by Calia Read
My lips parted, but my tongue tripped over words and I said nothing. So I shook my head; I knew I’d always feel something for him.
Mathias knew it. I knew it.
My hand touched his chest, stopping him in place. Those steel eyes met mine, waiting to see what my next move would be. If I said no, he would listen. I knew that.
“The past five months have been fucking hell. I want to forget about you and let you lead your life, but how can I when you’ve stolen mine?” His voice turned into a rasp. “I see you wherever I go, no matter what I do.”
Voices from the dining room drifted down the hall, but it might as well have been miles away. This close to Mathias and everything around me shut down.
My fingers curled around his shirt and I pulled him to me. No matter how many times my mind screamed for me to pull away, I jerked him closer.
Mathias could burn the sun with his kisses.
I couldn’t stop.
He couldn’t stop.
We were each other’s favorite drug.
I flattened my body against the wall. My palms laid flat on the cold surface, reaching, seeking for stability; I felt myself slipping under. With Mathias it was all so effortless and easy. The chemistry was intense, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it wouldn’t go away. When I was away from him, it remained in me, idle and quiet. But when he was next to me, it flared up and everything got so out of control.
His tongue plunged into my mouth. I made a noise in the back of my mouth. My hands had a mind of their own and banded around his neck.
Our lips moved against each other’s with a familiarity that almost brought me to my knees. I felt more alive than I had in months. Standing on my tiptoes, I pressed closer. My head angled to the left, as my tongue glided against his.
We pulled apart, our arms still wrapped around each other. My lungs expanded and I greedily sucked in all the air I could. All too quickly reality slammed into me.
I pushed away from the wall and fixed my dress. I ran my hands through my hair. “What am I doing?”
Mathias stepped forward. “Katja-”
“This didn’t happen,” I muttered, my eyes on the floor.
“Unbelievable.” He wiped my lipstick that was smeared near his bottom lip. “So that’s it? You’re just going to settle for the first guy that comes your way?”
“He isn’t the first guy. Lukas has always been there for me.”
“Lukas has always been your safety net and you know it. You love the idea of him. But you love me.”
“I’m getting married. I deserve to have someone that can love me.”
“And you truly believe Lukas is that someone?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
Mathias shook his head in disbelief. “The Katja I know would never settle for second best.”
“He’s not second best!” I yelled.
Mathias snorted. “How long have you been telling yourself that?”
“When you refused to say I love you to me!” The instant the words slipped out, I wanted to take them back. I gasped and covered my mouth.
“Go.” I lifted my head and pointed down the hall. “Please. Just go.”
His lips went into a flat line. He looked like he wanted to say more but wordlessly, he walked away.
I waited until he turned the corner before I let my body sag against the wall. Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t fight them. They streamed down my cheeks, blurring my vision and fell onto my dress.
M A T H I A S
In my bones, I knew this was what defeat felt like. I was no closer to winning Katja. Maybe I’d never win her over. But I wasn’t done trying. Not yet. But I knew with every fucked-up bone in my body that I belonged to her. So if I had to keep trying I would. It would take a lot more to make me quit.
Taking a deep breath, I stared at the door in front of me and pounded on the door, putting all my strength behind my fists. I didn’t give a shit if I was waking up the entire block. This couldn’t wait.
The door jerked open. Antje answered. Her eyes widened at the sight of me. For a millisecond, I swore she looked genuinely happy to see me. But it came and went. Her expression stayed neutral. Manners and greetings flew out the window as we stood there staring at each other.
Someone coughed inside—no doubt, Tobias—and Antje sprang into action.
“You need to go,” she whispered, her words rushed. “Before Tobias sees you.”
I’d done enough to this family. But I was on their doorstep because I was desperate.
“I’ll go … but you have to tell me one thing … does she love Lukas?”
Antje’s mouth opened and shut. She twisted the dishrag tightly in her hands. “Nein. She doesn’t.”
“Why is she marrying him?”
Antje crossed her arms and gave me a disappointing look. “What else was she supposed to do? If you refused to recognize how incredible she was, then she deserved to move on.”
“I recognized it,” I returned.
“And yet you let her get away.” She said in German. She tilted her head to the side and smiled the saddest smile I’d ever seen. “The minute I met you at the young age, I knew you held all your family’s problems on your shoulders and tried to keep yourself protected.”
I swallowed loudly, wanting to deny it but knowing that she was completely right.
“You never had to hide yourself from Katja. Wir sind wir.” We are we. “She will love you at your worst. She’ll love you at your best.”
“I can’t let her marry him.”
I knew, with every bone in my body, that I belonged with Katja. It didn’t matter what everyone else tried to say; I felt what I felt and loved who I loved and that’s that.
“I wish I could help you, Mathias, but I can’t. You need to figure this out by yourself.”
Her smile was full of regret and her eyes were painted with sadness. It said it all: she didn’t believe that I would ever win Katja back.
When I turned to go, she reached out and grabbed my arm. I looked into her gentle eyes. “You’ll have dozens of loves in your life. But you only have one soul mate. That person can’t be replicated or replaced no matter how hard you try.”
Our eyes held for a second longer, her words sobering but true.
I went to tell her good-bye when Tobias stepped next to Antje. He looked furious. His eyes were heavy with sleep, and his hair was every which way. I waited for him to tell me to get the fuck off his property. Yet he never yelled. In fact he didn’t say a single word. Just rubbed a hand down his face, as though he knew the whole time that I would end up here.
“What do you need, Mathias?” From the sparks flaring in his eyes, I knew that time had done nothing to weaken his memory. He still looked like he wanted to tear me apart.
Antje turned to Tobias. “Talk to him,” she said in a voice that left no room for argument. She walked away and Tobias glared at me. “Out with it, Mathias.”
“I’ve made a mess of things.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
Ignoring his biting words, I continued. “She can’t marry Lukas.”
“You had your chance.”
“I did and I let it go to waste.”
“That’s not my problem. It’s not Katja’s either. And-”
“I love her,” I cut in. His eyes widened. “I love her and I’ve loved her for a long time.”
He didn’t look impressed, but he wasn’t screaming for me to get the hell off his property so I continued. “If you can tell me that right now, Katja is the happiest you’ve ever seen her then you’ll never see me again.”
The seconds went by. It was fucking agony. Tobias crossed his arms and stared out into the yard, looking like he’d rather swallow glass than answer me.
He nodded at me briefly. “I can’t.”
Relief slammed through me, making me sag against the doorframe.
“But that doesn’t mean that she won’t be happy. I think in time she will be. Wi
th Lukas.”
He didn’t want me with Katja. I got that. To admit to myself that I’d fucked up and done the wrong thing was bad enough. But to acknowledge it and apologize to Tobias was like holding out my hand and letting everyone see my scar—my worst nightmare.
“I’m sorry for how I’ve treated her,” I said slowly. “I love her and I want to be with her.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“Yes.”
“If you love her like you say you do, then let her go and find happiness.”
“I did let her go. Five months ago, to be exact. And every day I’ve had to stop myself from coming here and telling her how I feel.”
The harsh look in Tobias’ eyes dimmed slightly, but I knew I wasn’t completely off his shit-list. I thought he was going to slam the door.
Instead, he stepped aside. “Come inside.”
K A T J A
“This is a treat,” I said.
Lukas squeezed my hand as we walked down the street. “I’m not going to take the credit for this. It was Tobias who wanted to have dinner with us.”
“Either way, it’s great we’re doing this.” I smiled at him. He smiled back.
Tension had been lurking like an unwelcome guest around Lukas and me. Going out for a night, no matter where, seemed like a perfect idea.
Although, the second I saw Klammensteins in front of us, I hesitated. All I could think about was the kiss I shared with Mathias. A kiss that I couldn’t seem to forget. I tried to chalk it up to guilt for not telling Lukas, but I knew deep down that it was my heart’s way of reminding me of all that Mathias and I once had.
That kiss was a reminder that you could fall in and out of lust within seconds … but love? Well, love lasted a lifelong.
Only two days had passed since that kiss, but it felt like a lifetime. I hadn’t told Lukas about it. I knew I needed to. He deserved the truth. Keeping a secret this big from him made my heart physically ache, but to think that someone else might experience a kiss like that with Mathias hurt just as bad.
When I stepped into the restaurant, I looked around like a criminal who had just escaped prison. I kept waiting for someone to jump out of the shadows and scream: “I know what you did!”
That didn’t happen. Klammensteins was still the same as ever, in fact, there wasn’t a table to spare. We found Oma and Opa in the crowded restaurant, sitting in the middle of the room.
Opa stood up when he saw us weaving in and out of the tables. He hugged me tightly and looked at me very carefully. A small smile was playing at the corner of his lips.
I frowned at him; Opa was never this affectionate. “Is everything okay?”
He took a step back and pulled out my chair. “I’m happy to see you. That’s all.”
We ordered. We drank, we ate, we laughed. Soon, my worries faded away and I felt myself relaxing. During dinner, Opa usually had a fifty-minute time frame before he started to glance at his watch and gave Oma a few side glances. His not-so-subtle way of saying he was ready to leave. But tonight he sat back in his chair as if he had all the time in the world and nowhere else to go.
As we all sat and talked, I caught him staring at me a few times, an unreadable expression on his face. Apprehension spread through me, and I started to think that this entire meal was so Opa could tell us that he was dying, or something.
While Lukas and Oma talked quietly, I reached out and placed my hand on top of Opa’s. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Quit worrying about me, Katja. I’m fine.”
“You’re just acting strange tonight, that’s all.”
Before he could answer, a waiter got onto the stage. A screeching noise came from the mic, making everyone cringe. The waiter cleared his throat and loudly announced that tonight there would be a musical performance.
My ears perked up. Anything with music had my interest, but the waiter offered nothing else and quickly walked off the stage.
I turned to Opa. “Who’s performing?”
Opa shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know.”
Just staring at the piano placed in the middle of the stage, made my fingers twitch. I longed to rush forward and glide the tips of my fingers across the keys. To feel their power beneath me. I may not have the same passion to play like I used to, but a part of me would always live for the notes.
Just then, the lights dimmed, except for the ones around the stage. People around me talked quietly. I ignored them and craned my neck to the side to get a better look at the stage. A tall figure walked onto the stage. The shadows veiled its features, but when it stepped into the spotlight my entire body locked into place.
Mathias was dressed in a tux. His hair was trimmed. He was freshly shaven. The light slanted across his features, accentuating the slash of his cheekbones, his strong jaw. Mathias didn’t glance at the crowd. He walked directly to the piano and sat down behind it, like he was born to be there.
I didn’t know whether to get up and walk away, or stay put. For whatever reason, I stayed in my seat.
Lukas clinched his jaw. He snapped his head in my direction. “Did you know about this?”
I shook my head. Unable to look away from Mathias. Unwilling to miss a thing.
My heart beat like a drum in my chest. I tried to make eye contact with Opa but he wouldn’t look at me. Neither would Oma. None of this made sense to me. Playing in public topped the list of things Mathias would never do.
Mathias’ fingers hovered over the keys. The way he stared at them was identical to how I found him in my studio. When it was just me watching him all that time ago, it felt like my own private performance, but with everyone else around I wanted to rush forward and shield him away from their eyes.
Those first few notes rang across the room, making me shiver. They were flawless, instantly evoking emotion in me. But what got me the most was his song of choice. Carmen Fantasy. A piece that we spent countless hours working on, fighting over. A piece that you could say linked us together. He played it better than I ever could. Did I expect anything less, though?
I’d always envied his talent and passion. But seeing him play right now, just showed how truly gifted he still was.
But then there was a slip of his hand. The wrong key rang out. My heart sputtered and stopped at the sound. A lady behind me made a very small gasp. I wanted to turn around and tell her to save her judgment for someone else. I felt like a protective momma bear, wanting to shelter her loved ones.
They didn’t know.
Mathias’ eyes met mine and he continued to play. Not once did his eyes leave mine. My mind started to play out our memories. The good. The bad.
In his eyes I realized that he was playing for me. Each note was for me. Mathias spoke through music, not words. Even so, I thought this was the best love note I’d ever get.
The song ended.
There was a millisecond of silence before everyone started to clap. If I could have moved I would be joining right along, but I couldn’t. What I just experienced was too powerful to be ignored.
Most of the people around us stood up. I followed after them. My legs felt like jelly, threatening to collapse beneath me at any second.
Opa glanced at me. “It took guts for him to do that.” His eyes conveyed another message, one that I couldn’t read.
I nodded slowly.
“How do you think he did?”
“He was perfect,” I replied. “Absolutely perfect.”
Beside me, Lukas stiffened.
Mathias got up from the bench and stepped off of the stage. There was a determined look in his eyes as he made his way toward our table. A few people stopped him to shake his hand but that didn’t deter him.
You need to leave, my mind whispered. But walking away and never commenting on his playing was out of the question.
When Mathias stopped at our table, my hands curled into fists and I reminded myself over and over and over that I couldn’t reach out and touch him. No matter how much I wanted
to.
Oma and Opa complimented him on his playing. Lukas said nothing, just stared at him with murder in his eyes. Mathias completely skipped over him, and came straight to me.
“Mathias,” I said softly. “That was …” There were so many words I could use to describe what his performance was to me, but none of them seemed adequate. “That was … wonderful.”
I held my hand out between us. A handshake seemed stupid. Almost ridiculous. But it was all I felt safe giving him.
He ignored my hand and pulled me into a hug that consumed me. I heard the steady beat of his heart and this irrational part of me wanted to reach out and hold him back and never let go.
But I had to. I could feel multiple sets of eyes on us. Reluctantly, I pushed back, already missing the warmth of his body.
He pulled away. His lips brushed against my ear and he said, his voice raw, “I’ve loved you since the very beginning.”
There was no telling what emotions flashed across my face. I froze in place, thinking at first I heard him wrong.
My eyes widened. I don’t think I breathed or moved.
Mathias swallowed and moved back. His hands were shaking. He looked like a person that had been stripped down to the bare bones, purposely showing me the vulnerable side that no one in this entire world had ever seen.
If you wait for something long enough sometimes it seems like your mind starts to plays tricks on you. You start to hear things, see things. You start to feel like maybe you’re crazy. That’s how I felt right this second. My breath came out in heavy pants. I could barely think straight because I finally heard the words I’d wanted Mathias to say since I saw him standing at my front door.
People swarmed Mathias like a pack of bees. Anxious to talk and congratulate him. I let them and took a step back.
An arm wrapped around me and I jumped. Lukas’ lips were in a tight line. “Are you ready to go?”
There was no question that he saw my hug with Mathias. I pushed away the thought of the hundred questions he’d ask about that moment.
I swallowed and kept my eyes locked on his, when I really wanted to look at Mathias. “I’m ready.”
“Katja! Wait!” Mathias called out behind me.
