by D. M. Pruden
Not satisfied with having atomized one ship, he came up with the way to kill yet another one. The captain gave the order, but Hayden acted as the executioner.
All for what?
Was his life worth so much more than those just snuffed out?
He could try to mollify himself by arguing it was Malkovich who had wiped out the crew of the Iliad, but he was cognizant of his role in the atrocity.
Time and again, history showed that evil was rarely the product of a single person or act. Others had to cooperate to propagate it.
He was complicit in it all—a mass murderer.
It didn’t seem to bother Pavlovich, who continued to call into the dark in search of him. Concern touched his voice, like a man looking for his lost pet. An obedient dog who would kill on command.
He raised his hands to his temples and pressed, as if to crush his skull. Better to die by his own hand than take another life. Hayden Kaine was a proven danger to society.
Perhaps it was best that he was cut off from his one-time destiny. Had he achieved his family’s goals and risen to power, he could only imagine what the resulting body count would be like. Here, he was isolated, contained. He would do no more harm.
Coward, he thought, if you really wanted to keep everyone safe you’d put a mauler to your head and pull the trigger.
Sobs burst from him. He wept like a small child.
Tears fell for the dead; for all the lives he’d destroyed; for what he did to drive Stella away. He grieved for Katie and his father and all who’d been hurt or disappointed through being associated with him.
“Kaine! What the hell is going on?”
Pavlovich hovered over him, shining a light in Hayden’s eyes. He couldn’t see the captain’s face, but his tone was one of concern, not admonition.
Warm arms wrapped about him and pulled him close. A fatherly hand cradled the back of his head and guided his face into a sympathetic shoulder.
He guided Hayden back to the corridor.
“Come on, lad. We have something more important than this ship to fix.”
It was pitch black. Hayden floated.
Was he dead? Had he worked up the courage and done it?
He recalled being discovered but nothing after that.
Suddenly, an unseen force seized and aggressively threw his back against something.
Unhurt and heart racing, he looked up at a dark figure, barely discernible, looming over him.
“Sorry about that, son,” said Pavlovich, “the gravity came back on before I was ready. Luckily, I’d gotten you over your bunk.”
Hayden’s hand brushed against the coarse fabric of a blanket beneath him. “What’s happening? Where am I?”
The room was lit by the torch lying on the floor where it fell, and he could barely make out any details to identify where he was.
“Don’t lose your shit. You were exhausted and were asleep as I brought you to your quarters.”
“Sleep...?” Confused, he sat up. “I remember you finding me, but then....”
“You were pretty distraught when I found you. I called a medic, and he gave you something to calm you down.”
“You sedated me? Was I that far gone?” He felt his cheeks warming. Pavlovich graciously pretended to ignore Hayden’s growing embarrassment.
“Take it easy. It was a mild dosage, but you might be confused for a bit until it wears off.”
He dropped his head to his pillow and stared at the shadows on the ceiling. Slowly, the memory of the battle wormed itself back into his awareness. His breathing grew shallow, and his heart raced as if it wanted to burst from his chest. The dark room contracted, threatening to envelope him.
He rolled to face the wall and hide. Aching fingers clutched the pillow to his face, and he heard someone crying. It took him several seconds to realize it was him.
Pavlovich spoke, so quietly that Hayden was forced to stop weeping to hear him.
“I remember what I was like after my first battle. I went AWOL for three weeks. Spent most of that time getting hammered in a bar, just trying to forget. Luckily, my commanding officer understood and didn’t put anything on my record.”
“What happened?”
“You ever hear about Centauri 1061?”
“I remember reading about it at the academy. You were involved in that?”
“I was not much older than you were when I met you; a year after graduation and serving as a comms officer aboard the Kirchoff. We were sent to assist in a military action against a separatist faction that had seized control of the Ymir colonial government. Our intelligence was incomplete. The two fleet vessels we’d come to support had been commandeered by rebel forces. Our task force was woefully unprepared and took heavy damage as soon as we popped through the jump-gate.
“Half of our bridge crew was killed, including our XO and tactical officer. Captain Arno was a wily veteran, though. He managed to pull us out of the fire to regroup at a defensible position with the remnant of our ships. I was ordered to man the weapons as the rebels pursued to finish us off.”
Hayden nodded, recalling the history class that studied the battle. “The Arno Manoeuvre.”
“That’s what they ended up calling it. It is a pretty sterile description of a bloody devastating tactic.”
“Seventeen hundred casualties.”
“One thousand, seven hundred and thirty-one dead,” said Pavlovich, shaking his head. “Eleven hundred and sixty-eight were on the rebel ships. To this day I don’t know how many of those deaths I am personally responsible for.”
Hayden could barely make out the captain’s wan face in the gloom. “When does the pain go away?”
“It doesn’t, not really, but it does fade with time.” He put a gentle hand on Hayden’s shoulder. “But something inside of you needs to change, or the guilt will take its toll, and one more precious life will be added to the body count. Yours.”
“You’re saying I shouldn’t care? Maybe it is possible for you to get over your culpability. I have done far worse than you. I didn’t simply take all of those lives from those men and women today, or those Rangers I blew into space. That was just the crowning insult to the injury I visited on them and billions of others.”
“Stella told me about the burden you insist on piling upon yourself. That’s nuts, Kaine, carrying that magnitude of guilt, when the notion is complete bullshit.”
“She and you don’t understand. I was raised with the belief that I would one day become responsible for all of the lives in the Confederation. It never struck me, the magnitude of that delusion, until I destroyed the jump network. Nobody can possibly be ready for that kind of power. An isolated decision, and hundreds, thousands, maybe millions are affected. It is more than any person should be held accountable for.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear you’ve seen the truth of that...”
“Yes, but that belief in my destiny was a core to my upbringing. When I brought down the network, I truly thought I’d be capable of making just such a decision; that all the manipulation and brainwashing my family had perpetuated for generations had culminated in me. I was the one destined to assume that role, when all along, it was an impossible fantasy.”
“So, you change and learn to live within your capabilities and deal with the situations life puts in front of you. Everyone has to do the same thing, Kaine.”
Tears ran down Hayden’s cheeks. “What became apparent to me was that my entire life is a lie. My existence was scripted and controlled. My decisions were choreographed under the generational delusion that I was prepared for something that couldn’t possibly be prepared for. Being marooned in the Mu Arae system forced me to examine my own abilities and resources for the first time in my life.
“At first, it was liberating. But as time wore on, I noticed a pattern. No matter what decisions I made, they were never good ones. I learned that I do not have the capacity to make the right choices. Everything I touch seems to end up for the worse. I realized I needed
guidance; somebody to watch me and make sure I didn’t mess things up. I tried to rely on Stella that way but only drove her off. When you came along, I joined you out of hope you would provide that. All that ended up happening was that I became a mass murderer.”
Pavlovich studied him for a long interval. “I’m not a shrink, Kaine, so my assessment really isn’t worth much, but you’re bloody crazy. I’ve never heard anything so...so narcissistic in my entire life. Your family really did a number on you. I would feel sorry for you if it weren’t so pathetic, and if that self-delusion didn’t negatively impact so many people.
“Shitty things happen. Occasionally, that is all some people have. For all I know, you might be one of those unlucky bastards who nothing good happens to, but I don’t think so.
“Life is like poker, and you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Making calls in situations that you know are impossible can stink. You have to make the call anyway, because even a small chance of things working out is better than what will happen if you do nothing. You’re a grown man, Kaine. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but your daddy did you a disservice, and now the rest of us need to pull together to fix the damage he did.
“So here’s the lesson: get over yourself. People depend on you; I do, and Stella does. Right now, she’s in a situation that only we can get her out of. She’s there because of my poor decision, and I accept that. But that isn’t going to prevent me from trying to help her. It shouldn’t stop you.”
Hayden was empty. He’d never unburdened himself of everything like that to anyone. He wasn’t really thinking about what to expect from the captain. He didn’t believe it would be pointless reassurance, but neither did he anticipate a mirror pushed in his face to show the ugliness he always knew was inside of him. Pavlovich had disassembled him the way Cora used to take apart engines and laid all the pieces before him, challenging him to put himself back together.
He wished he had ended his life before Pavlovich discovered him. “Please leave,” he said.
The big man rose and stared down at Kaine. There wasn’t anger or disappointment in his eyes. There did not seem to be compassion. He had the appearance of a man who watched a sick pet, hoping it would pull through, but prepared to move on quickly regardless of what happened.
“You don’t want to hear this, but it has to be said. We need you, Kaine. Stella needs you. If you give up on yourself, then....”
He turned and left.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Who Are You Going to Become?
HAYDEN THOUGHT HE was going to die, and for the first time in days he wished he had followed through on his thoughts of suicide.
As he lay on his bunk, the pounding on the door of his quarters exacerbated the throbbing in his head. It felt like a mountain was pressed down on his skull.
“Go away!” he shouted. The effort sent a fresh stab of pain across the back of his eyes. Even in the darkness, it was painful to open them.
Everything hurt.
Pavlovich’s muffled voice called from the other side of the door. “C’mon, Kaine, answer the door.”
He reached around for his pillow. Unable to locate it, he pulled the top of the blanket over his ears.
Pavlovich remained undeterred and maintained his incessant pounding.
“I should have shot him when I had the chance,” Hayden muttered, sitting up and pausing on the edge of the bunk. All he could see in his mind’s eye were the drifting bodies of the Rangers he’d ejected into space; the hundreds of people who were incinerated at his pressing of a button; Stella and the crew under threat, if they weren’t already dead.
A wave of nausea surged. Locating his lost pillow on the floor, he pressed it to his mouth as he fought to keep from vomiting. When he’d brought his stomach under control, he rose and shuffled across the room to deal with Pavlovich.
Fumbling in the dark, he located the door and opened it.
The blast of light from the corridor hit him like a blow to the face. Covering his eyes with his forearm, he staggered back into the gloom and allowed the captain to enter.
“My God, Kaine. It smells like a frat-house in here.”
“What the hell do you want, Pavlovich?” Not waiting for an answer, he retreated to the bunk and collapsed on it.
“Well, among other things, you’ve been missing for the past two days. When Cora couldn’t raise you, I came to see if you’re still alive.”
“And what conclusion have you come to?”
“The jury is still out.”
He heard Pavlovich fumble for something before the cabin lights brightened.
“Oh, God! Are you trying to blind me?”
“Quit your whining. They’re only on at one-quarter brightness.”
Still shielding his eyes, Hayden felt Pavlovich’s bulk sit on the end of his cot.
“What’s going on, Kaine?”
He snorted. “It isn’t obvious?”
“Where’d you find the booze? I thought I ran a dry ship.”
With an annoyed sigh, he accepted that Pavlovich had no intention of leaving him alone. “I brought my own, okay?”
“Is there anything left? I could use a drink right now.”
Risking the pain of the light, he peeked out from under his arm and stared at his captain. He rummaged about under the blanket and produced an empty bottle. “Nope, sorry.”
Pavlovich studied him, shaking his big head in silent admonishment. It reminded him of his childhood, when his father expressed disappointment at something he’d done, or failed to do. Now, as then, he told himself he didn’t care what anyone thought of him.
He covered his face with the pillow and pressed his lips together.
“What would your woman think of you now?” said Pavlovich.
Hayden pulled it tightly to his face to hide the tears he couldn’t control. “We killed her—Malkovich did. He’s murdered them all.”
“I don’t believe that. Kovacs was only blustering.”
“You can’t know that for certain.”
“No, son, I can’t. But Stromm wouldn’t dare eliminate his only remaining bargaining chip. He wants this ship, and he isn’t foolish enough to squander any leverage in a fit of anger, despite what Kovacs claimed.”
Hayden removed the pillow from his face and pulled himself to a sitting position. He released a heavy sigh. “If I hadn’t destroyed the light gate network, none of this would be happening.”
“No, just something far worse, like a Malliac invasion of the Confederation. We, not you alone, took down the network. It wasn’t your sole decision. As I recall, I had significant input into the matter.”
“But you didn’t set the bomb, I did. I was the only one who could have stopped it and—”
“Shut the hell up, Kaine. My God, this martyr complex you have is tiresome. Despite what you want to believe, you are not the sole architect of the fall of the empire. Get over yourself. I’m confident that is what Stella would tell you if she was here.”
“But she’s not, is she? She is a prisoner of a megalomaniac, thanks to you.”
“I admit that things could have gone better.”
“The truth, Pavlovich. Why are we here in this system?”
The captain lowered his head to stare at the deck. “You aren’t the only delusional one, Kaine. Ten years ago, when I woke up to the realization that I’d passed through a black hole and emerged from the other side, unscathed...I don’t know...I guess I reassessed my significance.”
“What do you mean?”
He lifted his head and regarded Hayden with a sad look on his face. “I’d survived the unsurvivable: victory over insurmountable odds against the Malliac fleet; crossing a singularity; rescuing Cora when she was beyond saving and discovering a hidden FTL technology...it was as if the cosmos was trying to tell me something...that I’d lived for a reason.”
“I’d never thought of your situation like that.”
“Nobody is just handed that kind of luck. It couldn’t
have been random. Then I remembered the threat of Thomas and his cabal...how powerless I was to oppose him. Despite what you may believe of me, Kaine, I am a patriot. The idea of a den of vipers like that seizing control of the empire sickened me. But the possibility of them somehow gaining access to the cynosure...that was something I couldn’t allow; not if the universe chose to keep me alive and hand me the tools to prevent it.”
Hayden shook his head. “We are quite the pair. A false martyr and a delusional messiah.”
“I’m not sure I agree with you. I never used to believe myself destined for anything, but when I look at how everything has unfolded up to now, I am willing to consider it a possibility.”
A bark of hoarse laughter burst from Hayden. “Don’t talk to me about destiny. I was raised with the belief that Kaines are destined to rule the Confederation. My family worked for generations to make that happen, and I was intended to become the realization of their ambition. But I never bought in to it. I am no leader. I never wanted to be in politics, or enter the academy, for that matter.”
“And yet here we are. Despite our best efforts to run away, fate has found us. The two of us are in a position to reset the course of history. Maybe it’s time we stop deluding ourselves and accept the plan that appears to be unfolding before us.”
“You sound dangerously crazy, Pavlovich. You know that, right?”
The captain shrugged. “It gets me up in the morning. How about you, Kaine? Are you going to spend the rest of your life wallowing in self-pity, running away from who you are meant to be?”
Hayden’s eyes fell on the empty bottle on his mattress. “I don’t know if I buy in to your fantasy about fate, but you are right about one thing; circumstances have given us tools to make a difference, if we choose to use them wisely. Stella is a prisoner, and I have no intention of letting her die if I can prevent it. Let’s start with that and see where things take us.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Stella
