“I can’t send her there, Merc. I’d love for her to have Lily to lean on too, especially now, but that’s Jay’s home. She won’t go there.” I choked back a sob remembering the latest story Toby had told me about why he’d been suspended for fighting. He had been defending Ever’s honor, but as she’d told him when she asked him to stop fighting over her – the damage was already done and no one stood up to tell the truth in the beginning so anything said now in her defense wouldn’t matter.
I knew Lily was taking it hard. After the conversation I had with Merc, there had been several more with him pleading for me to reconsider possibly forcing Ever’s hand in seeing Lily. Ever had become a surrogate daughter for Lily. Ever was the unwanted daughter of a club member and Lily was the old lady whose body couldn’t produce the daughter she’d so desperately wanted. They had bonded immediately after I’d gotten over myself and had a few days to settle in with Ever in the beginning. They’d been thick as thieves ever since. Hell, Lily and Ever both thought that one day Lily would become Ever’s mother-in-law. I knew she was hurting that Ever didn’t want to see her, and even though I’d made certain Ever knew that Lily didn’t believe any of it, the fact that she was Jay’s mom made her uneasy. She wanted nothing to do with their family, the club, or even her father and brother and when she could avoid them.
Our family was broken, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Toby’s stance had changed somewhat. He said he wasn’t sure what to believe and that there were too many people who claimed to have heard what went down in the bathroom for him to not have doubts, but at the same time he saw what his sister was going through and how she never spoke up – not even once – against what people were saying about her. She just let them talk and kept her head high until she came home and passed out from the strain of having to bear the weight of everything all day long.
Graduation Day for the boys was finally here though, and I was hoping that would alleviate the strain on Ever. The boys would no longer be at the school with her, and the next year would be like a fresh start. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I refused to let Ever stay home when we went to watch the boys walk. “You’ll regret it down the road if you aren’t there for Toby today.”
She had just looked at me for so long that I wasn’t sure if I should say something else. Finally, she nodded her head and went to get ready. We sat together with the Donovan family and some of the other club brothers who came to support the boys. Ever sat on the fringes away from as many of them as she could. Still, I saw her smile as Toby crossed the stage. The emptiness she showed when Jay did was telling. That boy had destroyed even any semblance of a friendship they’d once had.
“What the hell? Someone muttered. It was clear something had happened in between the boys receiving their diplomas and when they finally made their ways to where we standing in front the bleachers. “What the hell’s wrong with the two of you?” Merc asked them. Both boys were looking as though they might be sick at any moment and a brief worry that maybe someone had slipped them something to ‘celebrate’ with and they were having a bad reaction. I didn’t think Toby would take drugs like that, but hell, what did I know these days?
“Ever,” Jay called out, his voice raspy and full of emotion. Tears were pooled in his eyes as he tried once more to get her to listen to him. “Fuck, Ever, I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I didn’t know. I thought she had been telling the truth. I thought…” He stopped talking and everyone grew quiet for a moment taking in his words, his actions, and what it all meant.
“What in the fuck did you just say, son?” CJ angrily snapped at the boy.
Jay ignored my husband, which was a huge mistake. “I’m so sorry, Ever! I’m so, so fucking sorry. Please, you have to believe me.”
That was when Ever snapped. Her body bristled at my side and she glared in his direction, looking at him for what was probably the first real time since the day she’d come home crying to me about what he’d said in that assembly.
“Just like you believed me?” She huffed indignantly as her chest rose and fell with the pent up emotion she’d been choking back since her one and only meltdown. “You destroyed me with your words, you allowed everyone around us to continue where you left off, and it was all based on the lies of one of your whores. A whore over a friend. A whore over a sister. You believed a whore’s words over someone who never gave you one damn reason to believe they would ever do a fucking thing in this life, or beyond, to hurt you. Now, you beg for me to believe you?”
Oh God! I knew it was bad. I knew she’d been going through hell and back every day she showed up at school, and even knowing that. When her birthday rolled around and we had to cancel the sweet sixteen we planned to have, things had gotten worse. She had nearly swallowed a bottle of pills a couple of weeks ago, and I had put her in therapy, and kept a secret from everyone else, per her wishes. Her therapist thought that was for the best too so long as I was certain I could keep a close eye on her. Even having gone through all of that with her, nothing prepared me for hearing the absolute devastation in her broken voice. “You deserve nothing from me but my back. You will get nothing from me but these final words. You get nothing from me ever again except this goodbye. You get the same amount of respect from me that you’ve shown. You get the same loyalty you reaped, and nothing more. You are dead to me Jason Donovan. I don’t have to believe a dead man’s words. Maybe that will help you sort your priorities in future, but it won’t matter even a tiny bit to me either way anymore.” Lily let out a startled cry from the other side of Merc, and I felt for her, because I knew what this meant for their relationship. Jason had just cost Lily the daughter she had wished so hard for.
There was supposed to be a graduation party afterward at the clubhouse where the boys, well Toby, was intended to receive his kutte. Jason had already been informed his kutte would wait a few more months after the way he had chosen to confront Ever in the school. It showed he wasn’t mature enough to handle wearing the club’s name on his back just yet.
I made sure Ever was safe, tucked away, and Lily actually came to the house to be there so that I could go to the clubhouse. “I won’t disturb her,” she had promised me. “If she comes to me, then fine. I will honor whatever she wants. I’m sorry, Luce.” I wasn’t sure if I could handle my heart breaking for any more of my family over this situation. How had everything gone so far out of control?
When I got to the clubhouse the party that was supposed to be happening wasn’t. Everyone sat around somber-faced, and pensive while the boys stood front and center. I watched from the back of the room as Merc moved in front of my son holding a kutte. “I have half a mind to tell you that you haven’t earned this damned thing yet,” he grit out. Toby actually nodded his head in agreement. “If I were to do that, I’d have to take the kuttes off the backs of most of the members of this club though, myself included.” He shook his head back and forth and said something in a low voice to Toby that had my son’s shoulders shaking. I would never know what those words were, but to get my boy to lose his shit in front of all the men he’d looked up to for damn near his whole life, they had to be pretty powerful. Merc placed the kutte over my son’s shoulders and then punched the place where his road name was embroidered into the leather just over his heart. T-Bone was what they’d gone with for reasons a mother doesn’t even want to ponder.
Once Merc pounded his name into his chest, the men formed a line and followed suit. Each one of them took their turn welcoming Toby into the brotherhood and stamping his new name into his chest so it would never be forgotten. Jay looked on miserably, swiping at his face periodically, knowing his chance at this had passed him by for now, and that his actions were diminishing what should have been an amazing party for his best friend.
“Lucy,” CJ’s voice rumbled from beside me. I’d seen him come up beside me after doing his duty and pounding our son’s new name into his chest. “I…” He ended what he’d been trying to say there. His miserable countenance
said more than any words ever could. He knew he’d been wrong. He knew I had been right all along when I had once suggested that maybe the little girl who slept with damn near the whole school before Jason had been the one to make shit up. He knew he had mistreated, and ignored his daughter even more than he already had been doing over the years, and that it was for no good goddamn reason. What could he say?
“I warned you months ago, that you needed to fix what you broke. We were on a really long pause when Ever came to be, CJ. There’s no shame in how she came into this world. Not for her, anyway. There never should have been. She couldn’t help her circumstances, any more than we could help that someone’s lies kept us apart during that time. That girl has done everything, but bend over backwards and let you beat her mom’s DNA out of her in order to make you see that she was worthy of you.” Tears brimmed over as I spoke, but I would get every word out, because he needed to understand.
“I love you so much, I love the father you are to Toby and Anna, but CJ, I am so disappointed in the father you’ve been to Ever. That girl was born without a dad, and to this day, she’s never know the love of one.” I could see his lip wobbling even as his downturned mouth pulled his usually plump lower lip tight. “I told you that you had to fix this. Why haven’t you even tried?”
“I don’t know how to fix it. Every time I think about how I’ve screwed up, I just end up digging in deeper because if I was wrong to feel the way I did in the beginning, then I…”
I knew where he was going with that. He was having a hard time admitting that he’d been wrong all along and it had cost him, but more importantly, it had cost his daughter.
“You’re at the end now, CJ. She won’t be around much longer. She’s already asked about the money left behind from her mother’s estate. She asked if that would be enough to get her emancipated so that she wouldn’t have to hurt everyone by remaining in the house.”
“No,” he whispered.
“Yeah, when I told her that wouldn’t work, she went to the mall and got the job at that emo-kid store. She’s saving up to move out as soon as possible, CJ. I don’t want to lose my daughter,” I told him, unable to avoid the break in my voice. You’re going to lose her completely and the regrets you think you have now are going to be nothing compared to that.” It hurt me to even utter the next words, but he needed to hear them too. “I’ve put up with a lot, I’ve given extra to her to make up for what she wasn’t getting from you, but CJ if I lose my daughter because of this - because of your pride - things will not be okay between us. I need you to do whatever you need to do in order to step up and start being the dad to that girl that you have been to Toby and Anna.”
It was a bit ironic that she told me I would lose her too if I pushed my daughter away, because I’d been pushing that girl away all this time out of fear of Lucy not being able to accept her in our lives. I don’t know why I never realized that Lucy was never the problem. She had a minute to sort through her shit and figure out that Ever was more important than anything. She was more important to Lucy than even I was at this point. It just illustrated my fuckups all the more.
Chapter 23
(Lucy – age 42, Double-D – age 45)
Three years flew by in a heartbeat, and while Lucy and I were back on track with one another I hadn’t been able to fix things with Ever. I tried talking to her once in a while, which was a step up from the almost nothing I had offered before. She would generally just stare at me as if I had two heads though, and eventually I’d just walk away. If she wasn’t capable of letting me in now, then what more could I do? It occurred to me that all the warnings Lucy had given me were coming to pass. I’d waited too long, and the whole Jay thing had done more irreparable damage on top of what I’d already done on my own over the years.
Lucy was laughing at something Ever said to her. They were sitting at the kitchen table talking about Declan Donovan, my best friend’s oldest son. I couldn’t hear everything to know exactly what they were saying because their voices were too low. It hurt to think that I’d done this. My own daughter was afraid to speak above much more than a whisper in our home, because she didn’t want to be heard by anyone else in the house. Hell, she didn’t even live here anymore. She had moved into an apartment above a tattoo studio across town. That was another reason it was damn near impossible to fix anything. I was constantly riding the razor’s edge of frustration. I wasn’t allowed to go near Ever’s place. That was a direct order from my woman. Until Ever felt the need to invite me herself it was off limits. How the hell was I supposed to be able to fix shit like that? It was completely out of my hands. Every time I came full circle with that thought I got angry and started wondering why I should even bother, and old feelings about the girl filtered back in. It didn’t matter if I now knew the thoughts I’d had about her in the beginning were all kinds of warped and wrong. She wasn’t a demon spawn of her whore of a mother. She was just a little girl. Now, she was just a little girl who had grown up without a father, because I was an idiot who had spent so long stuck in a certain mindset that it was my default setting every time my frustration levels hit critical mass.
I tried to shake off the thoughts as I noticed how much Lucy’s inner light still shone from her, even all these years later. Watching her with my daughter just brought it out all that much more. I knew she was a special woman all those years ago – even before she was officially a woman.
“Whatcha doing, dad?” The sweet voice of my younger daughter asked as she tapped me on my shoulder. I turned from where I’d been voyeuristically watching her mom and sister’s interactions and smiled at her.
“Nothing, Princess. What are you up to?” She glanced around my shoulder, since she was too short to see over it, and saw her mom and Ever sitting there continuing their conversation. I watched as her brow furrowed inward. It was rare to see Anna appearing to be anything other than happy or bubbly. “Anna?” I asked when she failed to answer.
“They’re always together,” she mentioned with no emotion as she continued watching them.
“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you joining them,” I offered.
“Nah, I actually came to find you.” Her attention turned to me then. “It’s a beautiful day.”
“It is,” I agreed, knowing where she was about to go with comments about the weather, but making her ask anyway.
“I think it looks like the perfect kind of day for a bike ride, but I don’t have one of my own.” She threw her arms out to her side as if to highlight the fact that a bike hadn’t magically appeared. I laughed at her dramatic antics.
“So, what you’re saying is you need someone to take you for a ride?” Her head bobbled up and down comically fast. She added to by the effect by bouncing on the balls of her feet while clapping her hands together quietly. She reminded me of an overeager puppy getting to go outside to play.
“Ok, baby girl, go get your leather on and meet me out front.”
“Come on,” she grabbed at my hand and tried to pull me toward the front door. I didn’t budge. “My jacket is by the door already.”
“Okay, well go get it on while I tell your mom what’s up so she doesn’t worry.”
A look I couldn’t place crossed my daughter’s face then. “Can’t you just text her that we’re out. No need to disturb them.”
“What’s up with that?” I asked. It was weird that she didn’t seem to want me telling her mom face-to-face.
“Ever’s in there,” she nearly whined, still attempting to pull me away.
“And? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Dad!” She whined again. I finally gave in and allowed her to pull me to the door where she grinned widely at my defeat.
“We’re not stepping foot out that door until you answer my question, Anna. Why don’t you want me to tell your mom, and what does Ever have to do with it?” Her straight white teeth bit into her bottom lip, a nervous gesture she shared with her mother. “Spit it out, Anna.”
Sh
e huffed out an exaggerated sigh and then hung her head. “I don’t want to lose out on being able to ride today,” she admitted while looking slightly guilty as she did.
“Why would you lose out on being able to ride?”
“Because if I have to see Ever’s face when you tell momma that we’re going, I’ll feel bad and won’t go.”
“Why would you feel bad? What the hell, Anna? Explain yourself now or you really won’t be going.”
“Never mind,” she pouted and then started to walk off toward the stairs.
“Anna!” She turned and I noticed her eyes were tearing up which made me take a minute to get my shit together since I knew my temper was starting to rise. I had zero patience for girly games. So, Anna not telling me what was going on was hitting all of my nerves in the wrong spots.
“God, dad! Everyone says I’m clueless and I hear them ask where I get it from, but seriously, I get it from you! I don’t want Ever to be sitting there when you tell mom, because every time you do she looks so damn shattered.” Anna’s brows pulled in tight on her face again a mixture of sadness and anger. Then her soft voice broke through the quiet that had settled in with her words. “Have you really never taken her for a ride?” I wasn’t sure how I stayed upright on my feet when the weight of her question hit me. I hadn’t. I had never offered, and of course she would never ask me. She didn’t want to push my buttons, step on my toes, or whatever the hell she felt any interaction with me would do over the years. Jesus.
“You haven’t?” My daughter asked. “I thought maybe I just hadn’t been around when you did it. Dad,” she drew out that last word before asking the one question I didn’t know the answer to. “Why?”
How could I answer when it was something I couldn’t wrap my own head around? I turned to leave because I needed the road underneath me and the wind in my face to help me sort through everything. “You coming?” I asked the question without turning back to look at Anna.
A Love So Hard (Aces High MC - Charleston Book 2) Page 23
