by H. Y. Hanna
Leah sighed and turned over. Her thoughts swirled like flakes in a snow globe, drifting to the last time she and Toran had said goodbye…
***
The weeks following that Valentine’s Day in Eighth Grade were the happiest in Leah’s life. She hugged the memory of that kiss with Toran like a precious secret to her chest. Despite the pestering from the other girls, and especially from Julia, she told no one about what had happened in the school gardens. It was between her and Toran and she loved the feeling of being in a special bubble, alone with him.
It became a game every day to try and find a way to be alone together. Teachers and supervisors watched the students like hawks and it seemed that there wasn’t a corner of the school that wasn’t monitored. But they found ways—a stolen moment here, a hurried kiss there—and it filled Leah’s days with sweet anticipation and her nights with heady dreams. On the weekends, she found a way to sneak into the spare bedroom and use the extension there to call Toran. They would talk for hours, sharing hopes and fears and dreams for the future.
It had been a complete shock to creep into the room one Sunday morning and find her father sitting on the bed next to the phone, waiting there for her.
“Dad!”
“You’re to stop seeing that boy.”
“What?” Leah took a step back. “No, I—”
“I don’t want you to have anything more to do with Toran James. You’re not to talk to him anymore—not here and not at school.”
Leah stared at her father disbelievingly. “You can’t be serious.”
He said nothing, just looked at her.
“That’s… that’s crazy!” said Leah. “Toran is—”
“A bad influence on you,” said her father. “I’m surprised you would still trust him after what happened in the cable car.”
“No, that was a mistake,” protested Leah. “That was all a misunderstanding. We weren’t doing anything. Toran just said all that stuff to the principal so that I wouldn’t get in trouble. He was trying to protect me. And—”
“I’m not interested.” Her father stood up. “I just want you to stay away from him.”
“Is this because he isn’t rich?” Leah demanded. “Just because his father’s not some hotshot businessman and his mother—”
Her father’s face turned ominous. “Enough. Stay away from Toran James. And his family.”
“No!” Leah cried. “I won’t!”
“Don’t push me, Leah,” her father said coldly.
“You don’t control me!” Leah said angrily. “You can’t make me!”
“You don’t want to see what I can do,” he said with a look that frightened her. “I’m giving you a chance to end this yourself—or I’ll end it for you.”
Biting back tears, Leah stormed from the room. But she hadn’t believed him. On Monday when she walked into class and saw Toran, she pushed the little scene out of her mind and responded to his smile.
They quickly fell into their old routine again of snatched moments together during the school week, and when the weekend arrived, Leah was relieved to see that her father seemed to have forgotten the whole thing. It wasn’t until she was having breakfast with him on Sunday morning that she realised how stupid she had been to be lulled into a false sense of security.
He glanced at the permission form she had shown him for a school trip the following week and said, “You won’t be needing that.”
“Why not?” Leah looked at him in surprise.
“You won’t be here.”
Leah felt her stomach drop. “What do you mean?”
Her father lowered his newspaper and regarded her calmly. “I’ve enrolled you in a boarding school in England.”
“You’ve what?” she gasped.
“You’ll be starting immediately. In fact, you’ve got a ticket booked on a flight tomorrow morning so you’d better go and start packing.”
Leah stood up slowly, staring at her father in disbelief. “You can’t—”
He met her eyes coldly. “I told you not to push me, Leah. In any case, I’d been thinking about this for a while. Integrating into the English system now will give you a better chance of getting into university there when the time comes. Lots of British expats send their children back to the U.K. for the last few years of high school to prepare them for university. You’d just be going a bit early.” He paused and added. “And don’t think about defying me and trying to contact Toran behind my back. I will find out. And I can make life very difficult for his parents here in Singapore.”
Leah backed away, still unable to believe what she was hearing, then turned and ran to her room. She wanted to fling herself on the bed and scream and sob. She had never felt so helpless, so filled with frustration and rage. She hated her father and the way he was able to control her life.
But she didn’t throw herself on her bed. Instead, she went to the window, her mind racing. Toran, she thought frantically. She had to see Toran, had to at least say goodbye to him. She stiffened as she saw the front door open below her and her father come out of the house. He was carrying his golf clubs. She watched as he loaded them into the boot of his Audi and then got into the driver seat. In a minute he had reversed out of the driveway and pulled away.
Leah whirled and ran downstairs. In the kitchen, she grabbed the phone and rapidly dialled Toran’s number. Please be home… please be home… she prayed in her head.
“Hello?”
“Toran!” Leah gulped, surprised to find tears suddenly starting to her eyes.
“Leah?” His voice sharpened. “What’s wrong?”
“C-can you meet me… at school?”
“What’s wrong, Leah? Are you all right?”
“Toran, please—there’s no time. I just… I really need to see you.”
“I’ll be there.” His calm voice steadied her.
“In the garden, by the tembusu tree,” said Leah and hung up.
Then she rang Ah Song. Ah Song was her father’s driver. He dropped her off and picked her up from school each day and also ran errands for her father. He was a quiet, gentle man who rarely asked questions. Leah apologised for bothering him on a Sunday and explained that she had left a very important textbook at school and needed to go back to get it.
“My father would have taken me, but he’s gone out to play golf already,” she said apologetically. “I’m sure he’d want me to get this textbook, though. I need it for a really important test.”
“Sure, Missy Leah—no problem.”
The school gates usually remained open, even on the weekends. Teachers and admin staff occasionally came in and many of the older students had extracurricular classes and tuition, especially in the mornings. Leah asked Ah Song to drop her outside the school gates and, saying that she wasn’t sure where she had left the textbook, suggested that he go to the café at the end of the road to wait, as she might be some time searching. Then she took a deep breath and slipped through the school gates.
Hoping that no one was watching from the school buildings, Leah skirted the outside of the garden until she found the path that led to the pond and the old tembusu tree. Toran was already there. For a moment, she could do nothing other than bury her face in his chest as he held her close.
“Leah… what’s wrong? What’s the matter?” He stroked her hair.
“Toran…” Leah took a deep shuddering breath and stood back, breaking the embrace. “My father… he’s making me…” She broke off, feeling the tears rise again. She took another deep breath and said in a rush, “He found out about us last week. He told me to stop seeing you, but I refused. I thought… I thought maybe he’d forgotten about it. Then this morning at breakfast… Oh Toran, he’s sending me to boarding school in England.”
Toran froze. “When?”
“My flight leaves tomorrow morning,” Leah said. She looked around. “I can’t stay long. My father’s driver is waiting outside the school. I told him I needed to get a textbook I’d left behind by mistake.�
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“Where’s your father?”
“Playing golf.”
Toran said a word viciously under his breath. Leah was a bit shocked. She had never heard him use language like that. She wanted him to just put his arms around her and hold her again, but she knew that time was running out.
“You… you won’t forget me, will you?” she whispered.
Toran looked at her, his green eyes glittering. “He’s not going to separate us. We can still keep in touch. It’s only a few years until university—and then we’ll be free.” He pulled her close. “Wherever you are, Leah, I’ll find you.”
She clung to him and when she raised her face, she found his lips waiting. It was a different kiss this time—fierce, desperate, full of longing—and she could feel his heart pounding against her. Her own heart felt like it might burst out of her chest and she realised suddenly that she was crying. Toran broke the kiss, then trailed his lips down her cheeks, tasting her salty tears.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered. “It’s going to be all right.”
“I’ve told Julia,” Leah said, gulping back tears. “She’s going to help. We can send messages to each other through her. We can’t risk trying to contact each other directly—my father will find out. He…he might even find a way to hurt your parents… I don’t want him to make trouble for you.”
“Okay,” said Toran with a sigh. “I’ll do it through Julia.”
Leah knew it was time to go—she had already stayed longer than she dared. She pulled away from Toran, feeling like she was pulling at her own skin, wrenching herself apart.
“This isn’t the end, Leah,” Toran said, grabbing her hand. “I promise.”
She nodded and, at that moment, she believed him—she really believed him. Even when she finally arrived at the boarding school, scared and lonely, she had believed Toran. And waited to hear from him.
But nothing came. No messages. Nothing. Leah invented reasons, thought of excuses, but as day after day went by with nothing from Toran, her heart began to shrivel inside her. She couldn’t believe that he had forgotten her. Finally, swallowing her pride, Leah emailed and asked Julia if her friend had received any messages for her from Toran. The reply came back quickly:
Hey Leah—sorry, no, Toran hasn’t given me anything. I was surprised ’coz I thought you said he’d be writing to you soon. I’ve been passing your messages on to him. Shall I ask him when I see him at school?
Leah felt like she had been punched in the stomach when she read the reply. There was only one thing to think: that Toran had forgotten her already. Or that he regretted the promises he’d made and didn’t want to keep in touch. Leah didn’t know which thought hurt her more. But it was clear that Toran wanted nothing more to do with her.
She replied to Julia, telling her friend to forget the whole thing. And she never asked about Toran again.
***
Leah sighed again and turned over. That’s what she had to remember—she told herself—that she had been fooled by Toran before. He had said wonderful things, things she wanted to hear, and he had meant nothing by them. Well, she wasn’t fourteen anymore and she wasn’t just going to hand him her heart on a plate anymore.
She remembered the Yeats poem he had written in the Valentine’s Card: “I’ve spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” Well, the joke was on her because she was the one who had laid her heart under his feet and Toran was the one who had stomped on it.
But not this time, she vowed. She thought of Julia’s words again: “You should just be getting ready to say goodbye to Toran as soon as this is over.” Her friend was right. That was exactly what she was going to do.
CHAPTER 26
Toran had spent a restless night. He told himself it was due to the stresses of the past few days, the uncertainty of their situation, the worry about the upcoming party—and not because of the fact that he had missed Leah’s soft body curled up next to him.
He got up and headed for the shower, relishing the familiar feel of his apartment. He had decided to return to his own place last night. With his cover blown, it seemed pointless continuing to trespass on Dieter’s hospitality. As Toran stood under the jets of hot water, he tried to remind himself of his thoughts in the food court a few days ago. His feelings for Leah were purely physical. His interest was simply sexual curiosity. Leah was unfinished business from his past. He just needed to exploit their mutual attraction and then once it was over, he would have her out of his system.
Toran turned and placed his hands against the wall on either side of the shower head, tilting his face upwards into the stream of water. The warm rivulets ran down his face and neck, over the muscles of his arms and shoulders, and streamed down his bare back. He thought of yesterday afternoon again and wondered what would have happened in Leah’s old bedroom if they hadn’t been interrupted. He shook his head, spraying water droplets everywhere, then turned off the shower. Stepping out of the cubicle, he grabbed his towel and began to rub himself dry. He realised with surprise that part of him was faintly relieved that they hadn’t had the chance to go further.
Why? Was he afraid of what it could mean? That instead of getting Leah out of his system, one taste of her would have him begging for more? That making love to her would not help him forget her, but instead change what had once been a schoolboy romance into something much deeper?
Toran gave an impatient sigh, irritated with himself. This was stupid. People met up with their old school crushes all the time. They had a laugh, remembered the “good ol’ days”, and then went their separate ways. They didn’t find that the seeds of teenage love had grown into a deeper passion.
Enough. He had to stop thinking about Leah. He needed to focus on Bentley Warne and how they were going to expose him. That was what was important now.
Getting back into Julia’s house was a risky process. There wasn’t the cover of darkness to help hide him this time. Toran did the best he could by buying a pair of baggy grey overalls from a discount store in Chinatown and putting them on over his clothes, as well as a matching grey cap. He added a cheap, plastic toolbox. From a distance, if no one was looking too carefully, he just might pass as a handyman or repairman. He was banking on the fact that Warne’s men wouldn’t dare post surveillance too close to Julia’s house.
It was late afternoon. He had purposefully delayed returning—partly because he had to find some necessary equipment for their plans that evening, but also partly because he wanted to avoid spending too much time with Leah. Toran didn’t trust himself. It was all too easy when he was with her to start forgetting about the way she had hurt him in the past and start imagining a different future together, a different ending to their story.
Leah herself opened the front door a crack, staying well behind it and out of sight, and quickly hustled him inside.
“Come in. There’s no one else here. Julia’s gone to her weekly facial and she’s given the maid a day off. Where have you been? I was so worried! I thought you said you were coming back this morning,” she said, leading him to the lounge at the back.
As soon as he saw her, Toran could feel his resolve weakening. His annoyance with himself made him say, harsher than he intended, “I wasn’t aware that I had to account to you for my every move.”
Leah flinched and Toran instantly felt terrible. But she raised her chin and said evenly, “You don’t. But since you did say last night that you intended to come back this morning, it was only natural that I would have expected you then. I guess saying things you don’t mean comes easily to you.”
Toran stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She met his gaze, her blue eyes dark and stormy. “You know perfectly well what I mean.”
Toran felt a surge of anger rip through him. “Are you referring to what happened twelve years ago? Because if so, then you’re a fine one to talk about false words and broken promises.”
Leah gasped. “How dare you! I’m not th
e one who promised so much when we said goodbye and then never lived up to them! And I’m not the one who’s been hiding things from the moment we met! I haven’t been faking my own death, lying about my contacts, hiding my engagem—” She broke off.
Toran gritted his teeth. “So Julia has been gossiping again, has she? My personal life is none of her business. Your friend needs to keep her mouth shut and her nose out of—”
“Julia is trying to protect me!” Leah shouted. “She doesn’t want you using me and then throwing me aside.”
“Is that what you think?” he asked furiously. “Is that what you really think?”
“I—”
The door behind them swung open and Julia walked into the room, two plastic garment bags over one arm, her diamanté sunglasses pushed up over her head. She stopped short as she saw the two of them and her eyes went from one to the other. The tension in the room was palpable.
“Um… should I go out and walk back in again?” Julia finally asked.
Toran glared at Leah, then turned away. He walked over to the windows and looked out at the pool, trying to calm his temper. Behind him, he heard Leah and Julia talking in low voices.
“You’ve got an hour before we have to leave,” Julia called out.
Toran turned back round to look at them. Leah was holding one of the garment bags and avoiding his eyes.
Julia tossed him the other garment bag. “Here—I hope it fits.”
Toran opened the bag. Inside was a doctor’s outfit, complete with a white coat, blue scrubs, and fake medical name badge.
“Oh, and I almost forgot these.” Julia dug into her handbag and pulled out a blue toy stethoscope.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got my own,” said Toran, opening his toolbox and taking out a professional-looking coil of black tubing with two ear tips and a silver chest piece.
