by Jahquel J
“How did she feel about you moving back home?” He watched me as I took a sip of my drink. When I ordered, I was torn on the fig in the drink. Surprisingly, it was doing something for me.
“She knows it’s for business and agreed to make the trip with our daughter. Plus, I’m a plane ride back and forth when I need to be.” He reached over and showed me the picture of the blue-eyed mixed baby. She was beautiful and from her eyes, I could only assume his baby mama was white.
“She’s beautiful, Denim. What’s her name?”
“Tailor,’ he replied.
“Blue eyes, huh?”
“Her mother has the same blue eyes… Yes, she’s white, Hazel,” he busted out laughing, as did I.
He didn’t have a wife, but he did have a child. How was I supposed to feel about that? We spoke about children and he always told me he wanted them. Hell, I wanted them and told Yolani that I wanted a baby. Each time I told her we should go to a sperm bank, she would panic and tell me she wasn’t ready yet. How long was I supposed to wait? I wanted a baby and seeing how happy Denim’s baby girl made him, made me want the same. When he spoke of her, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree on Christmas morning.
“Why you telling me?” I continued to laugh.
“‘Cause I see your face. She’s not the milk man’s daughter,” he chuckled.
“She’s beautiful. You and her mother made a beautiful baby girl.”
“Thank you.”
There was a moment of silence and I didn’t know what to say. From his expression I could tell he had something to say, he just didn’t know how to say it.
“You know I came back for you, right?”
“Huh?” Really? Out of all things to say, I blurted huh like a child being scolded and asked a question. “What do you mean?” I tried to recover quickly.
“I respect your marriage and shit, but you know it should have been me sliding a ring on your finger.”
“Don’t say you respect my marriage and then follow it up with that statement. Denim, before you left, I liked the hell out of you. After you left, did I still think about you? Yes! Still, it doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m married.”
“Why keep in touch with me all these years? Yeah, I didn’t have your direct number, but you still kept me on your social media. Why like, comment and check in on me?”
“You did the same for me.”
“Why do you think I did, Haze? We were dating for months, but how long did I know you before we started dating?”
“We grew up on the same block. So, who knows?”
“Since we were in fifth grade, don’t act stupid. Your parents know and love me, why you fronting?”
“I’m not fronting,” I whined.
He wasn’t fronting, and as much as I lied to Yolani about how long we’ve dated, I started to believe my own lies. Denim wasn’t a fling over the course of a few months. My parents adored Denim and knew his mother too. Hell, I knew his mother and loved her down. She was a strong Jamaican woman who raised all her boys alone.
“You are. I’m not gonna push it. Just know I’m back and I’m ready to get what’s mine. You know what it is,” he reached across the table and touched my hand. Electric shocks coursed through my body. You would have thought they lost my pulse the way shocks flowed through my body.
“I’m married.”
“And?” he countered.
“You can’t… we can’t,” I whispered. I couldn’t do this to Yolani; it would break her. Here I was thinking of her when she clearly wasn’t thinking of me. Could I do this to her? The good Lord knew I wanted Denim more than I wanted this drink. Question was, could I?
8
Yolani
“Arghhh.” I sniffed up the white substance that I had become accustomed to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I leaned back and let the drug take effect on me.
Cherry sat on the right of me rubbing on my leg. She wanted some sex, and right now, I wasn’t in the mood. After my fight with Hazel, I came over and finished sleeping over Cherry’s crib. She welcomed me with open arms because she was content when me and Hazel got into a fight. Yeah, I could have come home after I left Yoshon at the trap, but that craving for that white powder had me killing my engine in the Bronx, instead of my home. Hazel didn’t know about my addiction and she would never find out. Cherry was the only one that knew, and if someone found out, I would put a hole in the middle of her head in broad daylight.
“Damn, move the fuck over.” I pushed her over. She was fucking with my high being all clingy and shit.
“Why you gotta be so fucking rude? Ever since your bitch got you upset, you been coming at me sideways,” she raised her voice and stood over me.
“Call her a bitch again and you’ll be picking your teeth up off the floor.”
“Yolani, you always coming for my neck. I’ve been the one here holding all these drugs in my house and letting you get high whenever you want. My apartment isn’t a fucking trap house!” she barked, knowing that the money I paid her monthly was too good to pass up.
“Bet. I got another shorty that will do it for me.”
“I’m not saying that you can’t… I’m just saying you could treat me fucking better,” she switched her tune real quick.
“Cherry, get the fuck out my face. You blowing my fucking high,” I complained. I was better off going back to my crib and dealing with Hazel’s mouth.
Cherry was once the place I went when I needed to get away from Hazel’s mouth. Now, she was becoming like Hazel, and the shit was irritating me. I came here to get high and chill with her fine ass. Lately, she been on my neck and the shit was pissing me the fuck off.
“All I’m saying is that you don’t come at your wife that way.”
“Get the fuck on!” I barked, and she caught the hint and left me alone. Bending down, I took another hit and then leaned back on the couch and stared at the basketball game playing on the TV.
A nigga wasn’t scared to admit that I did coke. I just hid it because I knew Hazel and my brother would overreact. The shit kept me focused and it was something I did when I was stressed. Nah, it wasn’t when I was stressed, I had to start my day off with some, and occasionally, I ended my nights with some. Hazel would flip the fuck out if she found out about my little habit. When I did stay home, I usually had to hide the shit and duck off in the bathroom to take a quick hit of it. She never suspected shit and I planned to keep it like that. Hazel knew what I did but she never complained unless it came to the late hours I kept. As her protector, I kept her away from this street shit. Not a lot of niggas knew I was even married and I kept it like that on purpose. In this game, niggas didn’t give a fuck who it was. Long as you were tied to the person they wanted to get at, they would kill you too.
I’ve heard too much about niggas losing their kids and women because they were out in the streets being reckless like they didn’t have a family. Hazel meant too much to me, and I could never look her parents in the eyes, if something ever happened to her. My baby was my world and I knew I was putting her through it with the shit I did. It was hard trying to be this dedicated wife when there was temptation everywhere around me. Women were tossing their panties at me like the niggas. Half the time, those bitches weren’t even gay, they just wanted to be down with a nigga that had money. Hazel deserved more from me, and I could acknowledge that, still I didn’t know how I could give her that. Mentally, I was fucked up and knew I shouldn’t have agreed to be in a committed relationship with her.
Part of me was selfish. I saw her getting cozy with that nigga she used to fuck with and I was jealous. She thought she kept their situation on the low, but I knew all about it. One night, when she was over my old apartment, she was on the phone with her best friend, Mo. She was going back and forth on if she should just up and move to the west coast. I couldn’t have that shit, especially when I knew I loved the shit out of Hazel. If she moved to the west coast, it was no doubt that her and dude would have made the shit work. I
t was then that I knew, if she moved, I would ruin any chance I had of ever being with her. Hazel had feelings for me and I knew it. Mo had been put me on and told me how she was scared. She didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and neither did I. Hearing her consider moving to the west coast put a battery in my back, and I made my move.
“I’m about to go over to my sister’s house. It seems like I’m not needed right now,” Cherry’s childish ass pouted. I knew for a fact that she couldn’t go over to her sister’s crib.
“Bring your crybaby ass on over here.” I leaned forward and took another sniff before I pushed the glass plate away from me.
Leaned back on the couch with my head leaned back, she crawled and cuddled up next to me. “I’m tired of you acting like this toward me, baby,” she whined.
“Yeah,” was all I said as the high took over my entire body. It felt like each part of my body was sensitive and numb. A nigga felt her eyelashes were about to float the fuck away.
“Babe, you really need to slow down on that shit. It starts as coke, and then it’ll go to crack real quick.” When this bitch opened her mouth and let those words spill out, I almost punched her in her gap-toothed mouth.
“With all the fucking money I got, I would never be caught wrapping my lips around a glass dick, you hear me?” I mushed her head and she leaned up from me.
“Damn, you always putting your hands on somebody. My mama did a little coke,” she did air quotes and continued. “Then, she fucked around and started doing crack and abandoned her daughters. All I’m saying is that you’re breaking one of Biggie’s rules; you’re getting high off your own supply.”
“Bitch, you over here acting all high and mighty when your mama down the block sucking one of my general’s dick for a rock right now. Let’s not mention how your sister is a fucking dusthead. You don’t do drugs, but your ass sure like to drink like a damn fish!” I hollered and stood up.
She grabbed at my pants and tried to make me sit down. “Baby, I’m sorry. I just worry about you.” She tried to recover and soothe out that judgment she had in her tone moments before.
“Nah, worry about yourself. Don’t be worried about me, I’m gone,” I replied over my shoulder as I grabbed my leather coat and car keys.
Here I was trying to spend some time with her because Hazel was on my nerves and her ass was now fucking up my high. The streets were quiet, and it wasn’t shit that I had to do, so I jumped in my whip and headed home. If I knew Hazel, I knew she would be cuddled up under her cashmere blanket watching re-runs of her favorite old school shows. Right now, I could use a cuddle session with my wife while smelling her scent that drove me wild.
Golden
As I sat in front of this man with a white cotton robe on, I felt so comfortable. It had been a full year since I had soaked in a tub with a bath bomb, dimmed lights and just my thoughts. Gyan was asleep and I didn’t have to worry about anything. I still had stuff to worry about, but in that moment, I cleared my mind and relaxed like Yoshon told me to do. When he realized that I wasn’t going to take a nap, he settled on a bath. I still put up a fight until he won. This man was a stranger. He could act nice and kill both me and Gyan seconds later. My radar wouldn’t allow me to look at him like a threat or like he was dangerous. In my heart, I knew this man was a good, hard-working man. The entire ride to Cindy’s apartment, he held an entire conversation with his grandmother. She fussed at him about forgetting to come pick her up to go grocery shopping. My mind couldn’t help but wonder why he wanted to help me? There was nothing I could offer him for all the help that he has done for us so far.
“You keep staring. Why don’t you get what you have to off your chest?” He broke our silence and caused me to look away.
He was consumed with fixing the Chinese food we had picked up on the way back to his condo. Never did I think he was paying attention to my stares. “Why do you want to help me?”
“Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone wants to help you?”
“Because people don’t help me. I’m the person that has to pick herself up and fight for everything she has.”
“Well, I’m a person that’s helping you. I don’t know about the other people in your life, but I’m not them. I was raised to always lend a helping hand and not expect anything back.”
“We’re not a charity.”
“I didn’t say you were. If you were a charity, I would have tossed a few hundred dollar bills in your car window and continued home. Stop pushing how you feel about yourself on me.” He handed me the plate and sat right in front of me on the armchair.
It was back snowing again, and he had the blinds open, and we watched the snow fall from the sky onto the busy Brooklyn streets. Staring down at my food, a tear slid down my cheek. Wiping it away quickly, another one fell right behind it.
“Don’t tell me I made you cry and shit?” He chewed the broccoli and pointed his fork at me. It was something about this man. His appearance intimated me.
“No,” I sniffled and wiped away the tears. “What you said just hit me.”
“Ma, like I said, I’m not passing judgment on how you ended up here, nor do you need to tell me.”
“I’m not giving my all to my son and I feel bad. I’m trying, and I’m trying hard to be a good mother that he deserves.”
“You are.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I’ve spent the entire day with you and you were on him like white on rice. Anything he needed, you provided. When he was nervous about the car sliding in the streets, shorty you climbed in the back of my whip and sat with him. You trying to be a perfect mother will let him down, more than you being an imperfect mother.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he finished his plate and brought it to the sink. After rinsing the plate, he sat it in the sink and then leaned on the counter and stared at me. “I’m gonna take my ass home because I miss my bed. Like I said, you’re free to do whatever and act like this is your crib. Don’t be scared if you see a small Spanish woman cleaning and shit. She comes every morning to make sure shit is straight. If you need anything, let her know.”
“Um, can you tell her not to come this week? I can help around and clean up; it’s the least I could do.”
He debated for a moment before he shook his head yes. “I’ll let her come make up her hours at my sister’s crib.”
“Okay. Drive safe,” was all I could say as I walked him to the door.
He pulled his hat over his eyes and exited out the condo. Closing the door behind him, I leaned on the door and sighed. Who would have thought that I would go from sleeping on my friend’s couch to sleeping in my car in the middle of a blizzard? Now, I’m staying at a complete stranger’s condo, and he wants nothing in return. My phone deterred me from my thoughts, and I rushed over to answer the phone.
“Hey, Teri!” I greeted. It had been a while since we had actually spoke over the phone. I would send her a message here and there and let her know that we were fine.
“Hey boo… how’s everything? You were on my mind heavy last night, is everything alright?” Her voice was laced with concern.
“We’re fine. Gyan is asleep, and I’m finally putting some food in my stomach.”
“Okay. How’s things been there? You still have work, how’s the car running?”
I could tell her that I’m sleeping in a stranger’s condo, the car was a piece of shit that needed more work done to it, and I haven’t slept in the past twenty-four hours. Instead, I forced a smile on my face and lied. Why did she need to worry about me? She had her own family to worry about and I was a grown woman. I didn’t want to say that I deserved what Grand did, but I did know about his cheating and his grimy ways. I still chose to be with him and then marry him, so I guess I could say I got what I asked for.
“Everything is amazing. My job has been great, and we just moved into a condo. I’m thanking God right now,” I continued to pour out this lie.
�
�I’m so happy for you, Golden. Grand is running around here and puffing his chest out that he’s free. He asked me about you and I acted like I didn’t know. He’s not looking for you, Golden.”
“I still don’t trust him. He loves his son and I know he wants to know where his son is at. I’m not putting me or Gyan’s safety at risk.”
“Honey, I understand that. You continue doing you and being an amazing mother to my nephew. I promise I will make it up your way to see you both. I better have a room at this condo,” she giggled.
“The guest room is all yours,” I lied some more. I’ve never been big on lying, and now I had become this master liar.
“Okay... let me go and get this dinner started. Mama ain’t been the best, so I’ve been over there helping her out. I’ll give you a call next week,” she promised, and we ended the call.
I wished I could say my heart went out to Grand’s mother. It didn’t, and I wasn’t going to pretend to send a prayer up for her. That bitch had never liked me, and she didn’t bother to hide it. Each time I was around her, she made sure to make me feel uncomfortable. When I had Gyan, she questioned him because he was lighter than me and Grand. My grandmother was light skin, so I never questioned it. She had to be the one to drag it out and make all his family question why he was so light. I didn’t wish death on her or anything, but I wasn’t going to fake concern when I didn’t care.
When I went to get my clothes from Cindy’s house, her bum ass man had the nerve to be there. He watched as I grabbed all my bags and left the apartment, struggling. I had to beg Yoshon to stay in the car while me and Gyan went to her house. I never told him why I was kicked out of my friend’s house, but I’m sure if he saw or heard the stuff Darian was saying, he would of probably killed him. Darian was so tickled that he managed to get me kick out of Cindy’s apartment and life. Little did he know that I didn’t give a damn. I’ve lost friends I’ve known longer than Cindy. I prayed she got some sense and cut his freeloading ass off, but I had to pray and keep it pushing for both me and Gyan. I cleaned up the kitchen and then went to climb into bed with my baby boy. He was so comfortable as he laid out nearly in the middle of the bed. Snuggling close, I laid down and let sleep find me.
