Lars climbed out of bed, wrapped the sheet around his waist. ‘Then we’ll go somewhere else,’ he said, holding her shoulders and looking into her eyes. ‘Anywhere, as long as we’re together.’
‘We don’t deserve to be together,’ she said in a small voice.
Lars gave her a long, considered look.
‘Do you think Orla would want you to be unhappy, Emer?’
‘Stop,’ she said, pressing her fingers to her forehead as if she had a pain in her head.
‘You need to let it go. It’s not your fault.’
She pulled away from him. If she was too near to him, she’d want to make love, and then they would be back to the beginning of the end all over again.
‘I’m existing, Lars, but it feels as if I’m not alive. From the moment my phone rang in your place that morning, what we had was destroyed.’
‘You’ve got to stop thinking like that, Emer. It’s not true.’
He came over, squatted down next to her chair. The scent of him consumed her and it was all she could do not to disintegrate into his embrace again. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, ‘but you need to leave the island. It’s over.’ She looked away, unable to bear the desperate look in his eyes.
‘Emer, don’t do this. We belong together,’ he said, reaching out to touch her.
She stood up abruptly, brushing his hand away with her body. ‘I don’t know if that’s true any more,’ she said, her voice shaking with emotion.
Grabbing her purse, she legged it out of the room before he could say something else. This was how it felt to have your heart broken. As she ran down the stairs of the inn and out of the door, up the road towards Susannah’s, she was in agony.
Even so, she would choose to have her heart broken again and again, if she were allowed just five more minutes with Orla.
21
Susannah
February 15th, 1960
Harvard, Cambridge
Dearest Katie,
I have big news! It’s why you haven’t heard from me in over a month. Ava and I are renting our own apartment! It all happened pretty suddenly. Professor Whittard and his family are moving to Florida because he’s been asked to work with NASA, the National American Space Agency. Have you heard all about that? We’re racing against Russia to get the first man on the moon, and my Professor Whittard is part of it all! Imagine, maybe in the future we’ll be able to take holidays to the moon – although by all accounts it’s a dark, cold place with lots of rocks and craters. The Whittards told me I was welcome to go with them to Florida, but of course I’m still at Harvard so couldn’t accept. I was devastated at first. Having to start all over, looking for a new family to lodge with – but then Ava suggested we get a place together. Said there was a job going in the coffee house where she works in the evenings, so I could pay for my share of the rent.
Before I knew it we were going to look at places, and everything lined up so perfectly because we found the dearest apartment not far from Harvard Square. It’s small, but we love it. Up on the fifth floor, lots of stairs, but our view is wonderful: treetops and old historic university buildings. You must come visit. Oh do, please, Katie. I could show you where I go to my lectures, and all the best places. You would get to meet Ava and all our friends. We’d bring you to Club 47, and you could wear your flock organza!
It was sad saying goodbye to the Whittards. I have grown very fond of the family, especially the boys. But even sadder was saying goodbye to Gertrude. She was very upset, because where they will be in Florida is so much further away from Philadelphia, where her boys are. And she needs the work. She can’t just walk out because it would be so difficult for her to get a new position. Life just isn’t fair for some people, Katie. America is supposed to be a free country, but things are not equal. I feel quite stirred up about it sometimes.
I can’t believe Rachel is pregnant again! Please give her my regards when you speak to her. It’s so kind of you to help her out with her baby. I can’t think of anything I would less like to do. You mustn’t be jealous of her, Katie. My goodness, no. She must be so worn out and tired. Remember she didn’t even want to marry Silas? So don’t get carried away now. I know you’re frustrated Matthew hasn’t proposed yet, but you’re so young, and there’s plenty of time to think of settling down.
We have a pool table in one of the bars Ava and I go to, and it always makes me think of you and Mom at the lace stand, making the nets for the balls. Have you thought any more about dressmaking? I do believe you have inherited this talent from Mom. Can I suggest the fact Matthew hasn’t proposed yet is a sign to move on? I am sure there are plenty of gorgeous young men who would snap you up if you were available. Really think about it, Katie, before you push Matthew further. Do you really want to be a lobster fisherman’s wife in Vinalhaven for your whole life? Take a good look at Rachel’s situation. Do you really want what she has? There is a big world out here!
I’m due on shift now, so I shall post this letter on the way to the coffee shop. Write back soon.
Susannah brewed the coffee on top of their little stove. Early morning was the best time of day. The late winter sunlight cascaded through the window, dappling the wooden floorboards with shadows of new leaves and branches from the trees. Outside, the city was all fresh and new for another day. The sidewalks damp from night-time rain, the air busy with the sounds of people on their way to work or school or college. After the stillness of the dark, the motion of first light always infused Susannah with an appreciation of all she had. And she felt rich right now. Maybe not in dollars – they were both working every hour they could between studies to meet the rent. But Susannah had learnt a new lesson with Ava. Being wealthy wasn’t the only thing that could make you happy. Many times, she’d believed her mother’s misery was due to the fact they’d been so poor. Always struggling. She’d listened to her mother’s daily moans about how hard it was to be a widow. It was unkind of her to criticise her mom, but she saw now that if only her mother had chosen to see what they did have, then they might all have been happier. And perhaps Kate wouldn’t be imprisoned with her now.
Ava had been awake for a little while when Susannah brought in her coffee. She was sitting up in bed, writing a college paper, in her black silk pyjamas. The top button had undone and Susannah could see one of her breasts. She ached to get back into bed with Ava, but she knew her paper was due that afternoon and she mustn’t distract her. Besides, she had a lecture herself in an hour.
The two girls lived in blissful harmony. Their domestic chores were seamlessly shared. Ava did most of the cooking, and Susannah visited the laundromat once a week with their washing. They shared the cleaning between the two of them, which wasn’t much, as the place was so tiny. But it was theirs! They were living like Milly and Jocelyn back in Oxford, England, although of course none of their friends knew about the nature of their relationship. Twice, after sharing a bottle of wine, Susannah had been tempted to kiss Ava in public. Let the whole world know, because she didn’t care what they thought – but Ava had counselled her not to.
‘You have no idea how prejudiced people can be,’ she told her. ‘Believe me, I’ve experienced enough of it already.’
One night, not long after they’d moved in, Ava told Susannah she’d grown up on an American Indian reservation in the Puget Sound.
‘You’re a Red Indian?’ Susannah had declared in astonishment. She hadn’t even considered that might be why Ava had slightly darker skin than her. Her assumption had been that maybe there was some Hispanic blood in Ava’s family, going back some way. To be honest, she hadn’t really thought about it much. Ava was Ava, pure and simple. She didn’t need to label her. But clearly it was important to Ava.
‘Honey, calling me a Red Indian is not something I like.’
‘Sorry.’ Susannah instantly felt terrible. ‘But how did you get to be here at Harvard?’
‘With a lot of grit,’ Ava replied. ‘It was one of the reasons I was so attracted to you, you know. I could see you
were poor, too. That you’d had to fight to be here.’
‘My mom still won’t ask me about Harvard whenever I see her, although Katie keeps telling me she is proud really.’
‘No one leaves the reservation,’ Ava said. ‘That’s what we’re told, right from the start at school. Don’t even think about going to college. But all I could think was: no way will I believe that, I’m going!’
They shared childhood stories and discovered they had both felt they didn’t belong where they grew up.
‘I love my family,’ Ava said, ‘but it’s so broken. I can’t be there, else it makes me feel trapped.’
‘Never felt like I belonged on Vinalhaven,’ Susannah confided in her. ‘I was guilty all the time because I hated it. It was like a prison to me.’
‘We’ll we’re here now, together.’ Ava kissed her cheek.
‘So we are.’ Susannah kissed Ava back.
22
Susannah
March 1960
As Susannah saw Kate on the harbour waving to her as the boat pulled in, she decided she would convince her sister to come back with her to Cambridge for a couple of weeks. The semester was nearly over, and Katie’s only work was helping out their mother with her lacing and netting orders. Surely she could be spared? Her sister had never left Vinalhaven, apart from to take the boat to Rockland and back. She was nearly twenty. It was time.
The first hour at home was glorious. The two sisters lay on the new quilt Kate had made, sharing stories about their lives. Kate filled Susannah in on island gossip, while Susannah told her more about the coffee house and friends she and Ava had at Harvard.
‘Will you come back with me for a visit, Katie?’ she asked her sister.
‘Oh.’ Kate looked taken aback. ‘I don’t think we could afford it.’
‘I have some money saved from my job,’ Susannah said proudly. ‘I can buy you a ticket.’
‘Well, I don’t know about Mother…’ Kate began, looking uncomfortable.
‘Please come back with me, Katie. I want you to meet Ava.’
They were unable to continue their conversation, as their mother called from downstairs that Matthew had arrived for his dinner.
‘Why’s he eating here?’ Susannah said to Kate, as she followed her down the stairs.
‘He’s says it’s too full at home, what with Silas, Rachel and the baby.’
‘I thought Silas was building his own house,’ Susannah said, unable to conceal her sarcastic tone.
The tension between Susannah and Matthew was palpable at the dinner table. He had put on weight since she’d last seen him, and his skin was more weathered from the sea. The whole meal, Susannah bristled with indignation that he didn’t even thank their mother for the plate of stew, nor Kate for pouring him a glass of beer. Kate was all jittery, serving him like he was a king or something. Why couldn’t Kate see that Matthew Young wasn’t good for her?
‘The coffee’s cold, Kate,’ Matthew snapped at her sister, as he took a sip from the cup she’d handed him. He was sitting in their father’s old armchair. His tone of voice reminded Susannah of the way Mr Young had spoken to his wife two Christmases ago.
‘Don’t be so rude to my sister,’ Susannah told him off.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Katie,’ he said, his tone laced with insincerity as he looked at Susannah with loathing.
‘Matthew’s very good to us; how dare you criticise him?’ their mother berated Susannah.
‘But he was snapping at Katie for his coffee being cold!’ Susannah protested.
‘Quite right,’ their mom said to Susannah. ‘It was cold!’ She turned to Matthew. ‘I am so sorry for Susannah’s cheek.’ She turned to Kate. ‘Brew another pot, dear, for Matthew.’
Matthew gave Susannah a triumphant smile. Their mom was completely taken in by him.
Susannah couldn’t help but narrow her eyes at Matthew as the air sizzled with antagonism between them.
‘We’re so happy you’re home for once,’ Matthew said, his words not matching the hostility of his gaze. Kate came to sit on the arm of the chair, while Matthew put a proprietorial hand on her knee. ‘We’ve been waiting to tell you our good news,’ he continued.
Susannah felt her chest constrict with dread. She looked over at Kate, but her sister had a big smile on her face and truly looked delighted.
‘Judith,’ Matthew said, turning to their mother with mock deference. ‘I’ve asked Kate to be my wife and she’s accepted my proposal. I do hope you will give us your blessing.’
Their mother cried out in delight. ‘But of course, Matthew!’ she replied, a rare smile on her face. ‘I’ve been hoping for this day for a long time.’
Kate leapt up from the chair and hugged her mother. ‘I’m overjoyed, so excited!’ she said, turning to Susannah. ‘We’ve been waiting and waiting for you to come home so we could announce it. At last, my dream wedding!’
Susannah felt sick to her stomach. How could she not pretend to be happy for her sister’s sake? But there was a part of her that believed Matthew had stored up this moment as some sort of revenge for all the times she’d tried to convince her sister to break up with him.
‘Congratulations,’ she said to the happy couple, knowing her voice sounded flat.
Matthew got up and took Kate in his arms, planting a kiss on her cheek. ‘It’s about time we started a family,’ he said to her and her mother. ‘How do you feel about grandchildren, Judith?’
‘You must both live here,’ their mother insisted. ‘There’ll be no room for you and your children in your parents’ place.’
‘Hold your horses,’ Susannah tried to counsel her mother. ‘Katie’s not even expecting yet. They’re not even married.’
But her mother ignored her, as caught up as Kate in the excitement and romance of wedding plans.
Later that night, as the two sisters lay in bed, Kate chattered on about how she was going to make her wedding dress stunning, with intricate lacing on its cuffs and hems.
‘It will be the best dress I’ve ever made, Susie,’ she declared.
Susannah felt sick to her belly. How could she persuade her sister she was making the biggest mistake of her life? She felt it to the very core of her being.
‘We want to get married in May,’ Kate said. ‘That’s the best time of year on the island for a wedding.’
‘So soon?’ Susannah questioned her.
‘I’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?’ Kate replied hotly.
‘Are you really sure, Katie?’ Susannah pushed. ‘You’ve never left Vinalhaven, never seen anywhere off the island. Don’t you want to go places? Meet other people?’
‘I love him, Susie!’ Kate exclaimed. ‘And he loves me. I don’t need anything else. I want to live in this house all my life and I want to raise my children here.’
Susannah had to admit, she had never heard her sister so sure about anything before. Even so, the thought of seeing Kate marry that bully made her feel sick. She couldn’t stop thinking about it on her journey back to Cambridge. How could she get Kate to change her mind?
‘You have to let it go,’ Ava advised, as soon as Susannah confided in her back in Cambridge. They were on shift together in the coffee house.
‘She could do so much better, Ava,’ Susannah said, as she sliced up the cherry pie and placed it on display on the counter.
‘But you can’t control your little sister any more than she can control you,’ Ava said. ‘What would you do if she advised you not to live with me?’
‘That’s different!’
‘Not so much,’ Ava said, as she cleaned the tables. ‘All you can hope is he turns out nicer. They want kids, right? Being a dad can really change a man.’
Susannah appreciated Ava helping her see the best of it, but her gut was telling her Matthew Young wasn’t good for her sister. She dreaded the wedding.
‘Say, would you come with me?’
Ava stopped her cleaning. Looked at her in astonishment. ‘To your siste
r’s wedding?’
‘Yes. I want to show you where I grew up,’ Susannah said. ‘And I want you to meet Katie. My mom too, I guess.’
‘Are you sure it’s a good idea?’ Ava said, looking wary.
‘No one will know,’ Susannah said in a low voice. ‘They’ll never guess.’
‘Okay,’ Ava said slowly. ‘I’d like that.’
Relief washed over Susannah. If Ava was by her side, then maybe she could endure her sister’s wedding to a man unworthy of Kate’s love.
23
Emer
27th October 2011
Emer was woken by Susannah’s thin cry. She immediately leapt out of bed and raced down the corridor into Susannah’s bedroom. But the bed was empty. She found Susannah on the floor of the bathroom.
‘It’s okay,’ she said as she helped Susannah to her feet.
The older woman was trembling all over. ‘I don’t know what happened,’ she said in a weak voice. ‘I never fell just like that before.’
‘You’re all right,’ Emer said, checking her over. ‘Nothing broken. Want me to help you back to bed, or in the bathroom?’
‘I’m done,’ Susannah said. ‘Bed.’
‘Why didn’t you ring your bell?’ Emer gently cajoled Susannah as she tucked her back into bed. ‘I would have helped you get up.’
‘But I was fine yesterday.’ Susannah looked at her with a shocked face. ‘I was strong enough. I… must have slipped or something.’
Morning light was filtering through the drapes in Susannah’s bedroom. Emer glanced at her clock and saw to her surprise it was nearly nine o’clock. She’d completely overslept.
‘Shall I get your breakfast for you?’
Susannah’s face creased. ‘Not hungry.’
The Island Girls: A heartbreaking historical novel Page 17
