And that was why she was almost certain she’d never go back east.
“I think it’s time you leave us. Ride on and finish the journey you’d planned.” Susanna squared her shoulders as she eyed each man in turn.
“We can’t do that, Miss Susanna.” Caleb wiped a sleeve across his brow, even though the day wasn’t hot. In fact, the morning was cold enough she’d donned the wool coat she’d purchased just before they left home. “No man in his right mind would leave you and your pa alone out here. Not with—” His words cut off as his gaze darted to where Pa lay, far enough away that he couldn’t hear their conversation.
His ears turned pink as he looked back at her. “Not with winter coming on and your pa’s health not so good.”
He’d been going to say something about Pa being on his deathbed, she was fairly certain. She was grateful he’d stopped himself, though. Finally, she was able to admit to herself that her father’s days were numbered. Maybe only a few weeks. She swallowed down the lump that tried to climb her throat. She simply wasn’t ready to speak of the subject aloud.
She spread her stance and raised her gaze to meet Caleb’s head-on. His eyes were gentle, but she couldn’t let her defenses slip. “We’ll manage. We’re holding you back, and there’s no reason the four of you should delay any longer.”
Inhaling a breath, she leveled her voice. “I can’t thank you enough for your help. All of you.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at Beaver Tail. There was too much chance the thought of losing him would break her down. She couldn’t allow it.
“Mademoiselle, please. It is not safe for you. Your papa.” French stepped forward and took her hand, then pressed his other hand over hers. “We cannot leave. We will wait for your papa to recover.” He shot a look at Joel. “It is the only thing to do.”
“He’s right.” Joel’s face had been impossible to read—and still was. “We don’t feel right about leaving you behind. We’ll wait a few more days for your pa to recover.”
The burn rose up in her throat again. These men were so kind. Truly, God had blessed her and Pa when He’d led Beaver Tail to them. She’d never imagined how important he’d become to her during that first chance sighting of him on the fateful day when they’d reached the falls of the Missouri.
But as much of a blessing as their help had been these past weeks, she couldn’t hold them back any longer. It wasn’t fair. She and Pa weren’t their kin, had only known them a short time. These men didn’t owe them anything. In fact, the situation was quite the opposite. The simple cooking she’d done wouldn’t come near paying for the horses, protection, and supplies these men had shared.
The time had come for it to end, and reasoning with them clearly wasn’t working. She straightened her shoulders, squared her stance, and raised her chin. “Leave. Please. I’m asking you.” She didn’t meet any of their gazes. She wouldn’t have been able to hold her determination if she saw pity, or even hurt, in their eyes.
No one responded, at least not right away.
“Susanna.” Beaver Tail stepped forward as he spoke, and the tenderness in his voice, the way he said her name, nearly cracked her armor.
She sucked in a breath, and may have closed her eyes, as she struggled to find her composure.
He took another step toward her, and she held out a hand to halt him. “No. This is best.” She still couldn’t bring herself to look at him. That would be the end.
“Tell ya what.” Caleb spoke up, drawing her attention to him. “How ’bout we fellas talk amongst ourselves for a while.”
She wasn’t sure how that would help. They’d probably just agree that they all agreed. Or maybe this would give Joel the chance to say what he really thought. Maybe he’d make the others see that she meant her words.
Turning to Joel, she gave him a pleading look. His face had that unreadable look again.
Finally, she nodded, then took a step back. “I’ll go check on Pa.”
Then she could go back to scraping hides. Most of them had been working at the task the day before and that morning. Both because Beaver Tail had a stack of furs that needed to be worked, and also to keep them from losing their sanity with nothing to occupy their time.
When she returned to camp, Pa was finally sleeping, only the occasional cough breaking through his heavy breathing. So she set to work on the hides.
She did her best not to look up at the men while they talked, and she managed the feat except for a couple glances. But she’d almost scraped a hole in an otter skin by the time Caleb separated from the group and headed her way. With a glance at Pa to make sure he still slept, she rose and strode to meet him.
“We’ve made a decision, Miss Susanna.” When he reached her, he turned, and the two of them walked together to rejoin the others.
For the first time, she let herself look at Beaver Tail. He had that emotionless expression he sometimes wore, but as she neared, she could see the glimmer of hurt in his eyes. Did he think she was sending him away—sending them all away—because she cared nothing about him?
In fact, her reason was so much the opposite. His presence made her think and feel things she couldn’t bear to think and feel right now. She may never be whole again—at least her heart felt that way right now—and he deserved so much better.
When they reached the men, she braced her hands across her chest and prepared for what they would say. She would reinforce her earlier request—demand they leave if she had to.
“Miss Susanna.” Apparently, Caleb had been elected as the spokesperson of the group. She turned to face his earnest expression. “We all talked and we decided Joel an’ French are gonna go on ahead. They’ll look for Adam again, and they’ll leave us markers along the way so we can follow as soon as you’re ready.”
His eyes held a sadness she didn’t want to interpret. And why hadn’t he said as soon as you and your pa are ready? She pushed the worry away.
“So you and Beaver would stay with us?” As she spoke, her gaze wandered to Beaver Tail of its own accord. His eyes glimmered with intensity, as though he held his breath waiting for her response. The relief that swept through her at the thought of him staying was a sensation she shouldn’t let herself feel.
But she couldn’t stop it. Dratted tears welled in her eyes, and even when she tried to swallow them down, they still clouded her vision. She tried for a smile. “If that’s what you all want to do.”
“It is what we want.” Beaver Tail stepped close and touched her upper arm. Then with a gentleness she’d never have thought he possessed, he pulled her to his chest.
She gripped his shirt, and there was no use trying to fight off the tears anymore. The emotions roiling inside her were too strong to hold back.
When she wiped her sleeve across her eyes, she no longer saw the other men around them. They’d wandered back to camp. Bless them. With no one else to see her meltdown, she let herself sink into Beaver’s strong arms.
Chapter 20
He was doing the right thing, there was no doubt in Beaver Tail’s mind. But watching Joel and French ride out that afternoon was harder than he’d expected.
When the horses had ridden only twenty or so strides, French turned to send them a white-toothed grin and a final wave.
From beside Beaver, Susanna returned the gesture, and he had to resist the urge to slip his hand around her waist. He was where he needed to be, by her side during her pa’s final days. Caleb would be encouragement to her as well, especially since they shared the same beliefs about their God.
Beaver glanced over Susanna’s head to where the big man stood on her other side. Caleb met his gaze with a nod. It was up to them now.
While they watched, French and Joel became only specks in the distance.
“Well.” Caleb clapped his hands together. “Reckon it might be best if we set up some kinda shelter. Just in case we get a gully washer. BT, think one of us could shimmy up that tree an’ cut a few branches?”
Beaver raised a brow at him.
Rains could strike with little warning on these plains, but that hadn’t happened out here in a very long time. As for climbing the tree, they both knew Caleb’s bulk would knock the thing over if he tried to climb it. Good thing Beaver had spent many hours climbing trees in his youth.
He touched Susanna’s arm as he turned to her. “Choose where you want the shelter built. Under the tree might be best, or closer to the water.”
She darted a quick glance at him as she sniffed. From the looks of her red-rimmed eyes, the task would be a welcome distraction.
With his hatchet tucked at his waist, Beaver Tail jumped to reach the bottom limb, then struggled to pull himself up. Not an easy feat, and for a moment, he wasn’t sure he would make it on the first try. Hopefully, Susanna wasn’t watching.
He finally climbed up to the branches that would make the best lodge poles, and, within a half hour, they had enough limbs cut. With only one tree in the area, the shelter would have to be small, but he would make certain it was large enough for two to sleep underneath, should a rainstorm strike at night. He and Caleb wouldn’t melt from a little rain, as unlikely as it was. And the tree would provide some shelter for them too, since Susanna had chosen to place their camp under the awning of its branches.
As Beaver climbed down, Caleb was already cutting the smaller branches from each limb, piling them in stacks according to how each would be used. Most were too green to burn but would help insulate the shelter.
Susanna stepped in to help, but Caleb shooed her off. “You just go do whatever else you need to, Miss Susanna. Or sit yourself down by the river and enjoy the view. I’ll bet that Pa of your’n would like to hear somethin’ from the Bible.”
She stepped back and wrapped her arms around herself, her gaze roaming from Caleb to Beaver. He dropped down from the tree and brushed the bark from his hands. He’d managed the job with only a few scratches on his wrists and the backs of his hands.
He sent her a reassuring look. “It won’t take us long.” He’d built many a shelter on his longer hunting trips, a few of them with Caleb.
She looked so forlorn standing there, still wrapped in her coat. The fabric of it was thick but wouldn’t keep her warm when winter hit in force. He had a couple wolf pelts that would make a proper coat for her. She needed moccasins too.
Eventually, maybe she’d let him make a full dress and leggings, like the women from his camp wore. That would be easier than trying to find a trader who carried clothes like she wore. But maybe she didn’t want to dress like the Blackfeet women. If she preferred white women’s clothes, he’d go whatever distance he needed to for whatever she wanted.
She was a beauty, no doubt, but it was the deeper part of who she was that drew him, that stirred him like no other woman ever had. Not even Ayadna.
Funny, he hadn’t thought of his former intended or the tumult she’d created for days now. He could almost be thankful for those events now, if they hadn’t so badly affected his family. That had been the final reason he’d left with these friends, and if he’d never ventured on this journey, he’d never have met Susanna.
She was looking at him with brows raised, her pretty face expectant. Had she asked him a question while he’d been lost in his thoughts? Surely not. He never lost himself.
But the sweet tipping of Susanna’s lips and the sparkle in her eye showed he’d clearly missed something. She was so pretty, he didn’t know English words enough to express how much she lit a fire inside him.
With deliberate steps, he strode toward her, locking her in his gaze so she wouldn’t be able to look away even if she wanted. Her sweet mouth was his aim, and a good kissing was the perfect thing to cover his lapse.
Her eyes widened, and, as he neared, she took a little step back, even as her gaze danced. If she’d looked at all like she didn’t want his kiss, he’d have stopped. But her pretty mouth tugged in a grin that beckoned him.
When he reached her, he slipped one hand behind her back and pulled her to him. Their gazes never parted as she tipped her face up to his.
Then her eyelids lowered, and he swooped in to claim his goal.
Sweet victory. And if the way she melted in his arms was any sign, she didn’t mind conceding. She melded her lips to his, and he took his time, relishing the feel of her.
Way too soon, she pulled back. Her eyes opened, and she blinked twice before the haze cleared from them. A pink flush appled her cheeks as she glanced at Caleb. She pressed her hands to Beaver’s chest and tried to push back, but he wasn’t about to let her go. He didn’t care if Caleb might be looking on.
“Beaver.” She glanced up at him, the red now spreading from her cheeks to her ears. He wanted to lean in and nibble on one of those ears, but he restrained himself.
He couldn’t help a chuckle, though, and he glanced over his shoulder. The man was chopping away at little branches on a limb, humming a tune as though he wasn’t at all aware of the pair of them. Of course, he was turned at an angle where he could easily lift his gaze and watch them without breaking his rhythm.
Beaver turned back to Susanna. He lowered his face near hers again. “He’s not watching.” He spoke in a whisper only she could hear. “And even if he were, he’s not worth worrying over.”
He rested his forehead on hers, then touched her nose with his own. Her mouth curved in another smile, and her warm breath fanned his face. When her hands on his chest gripped his shirt, he closed the last of the space between them.
He shifted so his back was to Caleb, Susanna hidden in front of him. Just for good measure.
Susanna rested her head on Beaver Tail’s shoulder as they sat on the edge of the cliff, legs dangling above the river far below. She soaked in his strength, the warmth of his arm wrapped around her, tucking her closer to him.
A week had passed since Joel and French rode away. Pa’s cough remained about the same—although, in truth, how much worse could it get? Each spell doubled him over, wracking his body with every cough, spraying blood with each shudder.
But the coughing episodes weren’t growing any closer together. For that she was thankful.
All the new symptoms that had cropped up could be due to other things. The pain in his back might be merely from lying on his bed pallet for so many days straight. And the same for the trouble he seemed to have in walking when he stood to relieve himself.
That morning, she’d caught a glimpse of his stockinged feet when he was airing his boots after a damp night. His ankles had swollen as large as her upper legs. Maybe that was from lying still so long, too. If only she knew what would help him.
Maybe a walk from camp to the river would be good for him. A distance of only about thirty strides. Surely he could manage the effort, even though just a few steps to the back of the tree seemed to exhaust him.
She would go help Pa in a few minutes. After a little longer in this peaceful setting, with this beacon of strength beside her.
“Beaver.” She wasn’t sure why she spoke his name. She didn’t have anything in particular to ask him. She just…needed him. Needed something that would make her world right again.
He pulled her closer, leaning in to brush a kiss on her hair. “Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.” Did he mean all four of them? Or that he’d be by her side through whatever came? Both probably.
Caleb, too, had been a good friend. Like now, he sat reading the Psalms to her father. She’d not known until a few days ago that Caleb had been ordained as a reverend back in Oklahoma. He’d served in a little church there for less than a year before heading west with Adam and Joel. Why he’d left so quickly, he hadn’t said.
But his presence had come to mean a lot to Pa. They spent hours together each day, with Caleb reading the Bible aloud or talking about something he’d learned in his Bible training that related to a passage. Pa couldn’t talk much without a coughing fit, but Caleb was kind enough to fill the void himself.
“I think I’ll see if my father can walk out here.” A breeze brushed her f
ace. Even though it brought a fresh gust of cold, the caress of the wind tasted like freedom. “What do you think Joel and French are doing right now?” Her mouth had a mind of its own today. She’d not even been thinking about those two until the thought slipped out in words.
“Riding, I imagine.” Was that a hint of longing in Beaver’s voice? She wasn’t sure without seeing his face.
She leaned back to see his expression. “Do you think they’ve found Adam?”
His brow lowered as a faint line creased his forehead. “I think not yet. Joel said the Mandan braves spoke of the horses with the Shoshone, but…I have only heard of them with the Pierced Noses. Nez Perce, I think the white men call them.”
“You think they’ll have to ride a long way to reach those people?”
“Into the mountains. The Pierced Noses live among the peaks and valleys where they hunt antelope and mountain sheep.”
Her heart lifted inside her. They may very well get to journey into the depths of the mountains after all, even with winter coming on. Surely Joel wouldn’t hold back in search of his brother.
But what was she thinking. Her chest twisted. Pa wouldn’t be able to travel that far. And she wouldn’t be leaving him. Not as long as he could draw a single breath, and she couldn’t imagine leaving him even after that.
In truth, the thought of beyond scared her so much she’d not allowed herself to think it. She was supposed to go back to the States. To her father’s cousin in Boston. A man she’d never met, but the only family she would have left. He’d offered to take her in, to help her in whatever endeavor she wished to pursue.
She’d always thought that would be nursing, but in truth, tending those who were ill had lost any glory it once held. The act of nursing came naturally to her, but it was the fear of losing her patient, fear of that heart-rending pain, that she hated. Never would she be able to willingly put herself in that position. Not even to relieve the suffering of others.
She simply wasn’t strong enough.
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