The whole thing threw a wrench in the plans she and Buck had sort of talked about. He’d asked her to go to Virginia with him. She’d told him she’d think about it, which she had. She’d fallen head over heels for him and wanted him in her life. She didn’t like the idea of leaving Jayla behind, though, and her job and Caroline and April and her work on a cure for Alzheimer’s. Putting each of those things behind felt like multiple stabs to the heart. Still, she could see a life together with Buck and she wanted to give it a chance.
In the end, her personal responsibility for Amaranthine had to win out. She couldn’t abandon it to unqualified, unfamiliar chemists to chase after her love life. Her conscience would never stand for it.
“Fine.” Melinda said. It felt like a death knell.
The rep stood and extended her hand. “Good. We’ll be in touch with details.”
Melinda shook her hand then flopped back in her seat as the woman left. She needed to talk to Buck, but dreaded that conversation.
She needed to talk to Jayla, who wasn’t back from her latest mission, yet. Damn her for being a ninja agent when Melinda needed her most.
Later that evening, Buck came over for dinner. The entire time—preparing and eating dinner, through dessert, and drinks—the need to talk to him hung over her head, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He didn’t broach the subject of their plans, either, instead relaxing into their time together.
After they’d cleaned up dinner and done the dishes together like a properly domestic couple, they settled onto the couch to snuggle, which felt enough out of character for her that it gave her an opening, whether she was ready or not.
“What’s with you this evening?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve turned into a cuddly homebody.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, it just doesn’t seem like you.”
“I guess we have a lot to learn about each other. To be fair, though, I’ve never had a long-term relationship with a woman so I have no idea how I’ll behave,” he said. “It’ll be a surprise for both of us.”
“About that…”
He sat back, his brows crunched together in worry. “What about it?”
“A representative from the CIA visited me at work today. They want me to stay at Triada and continue working on Amaranthine. They feel that, especially now that Russia also has the formula, it’s more important than ever to develop the drug.”
“What did you say?”
“She gave me the hard-sell, complete with guilt trip about wouldn’t I feel bad if I abandoned my responsibility and agents were injured in some way. It was like she could read my conscience.”
He snorted. “They’re trained to do that.”
“Well, she was good at it.”
“So you said yes.” His voice was flat, somewhere between angry and betrayed.
“She may have played me, but she was right. I can’t let just anyone work on it. It’s my fault it even exists, and that the Russians have it. I don’t like it, but I can’t walk away.”
“What about us?”
“Can you transfer to the base here? Join one of the teams at Coronado?”
He made a scoffing sound in his throat. “My team is in Virginia. It’s where I’ve made my career. I don’t want to transfer.”
She crossed her arms and gave him an angry glare. “But you expected me to drop my career and leave my friends behind to go to Virginia to be with you. How is this any different?”
“Because you’re a…” he paused as her glare deepened into a ‘don’t you dare say it’ scowl. “It just is.”
“You were going to say because I’m a woman,” she said.
“No.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“Okay, fine, I was going to. But I didn’t. It’s a knee-jerk expectation for a guy, but you’re right. You have a career that’s as important to you as mine is to me. I can’t demand you leave it just for me.”
She scooted over to be closer to him and take his hand in hers. “I wouldn’t consider dropping everything important to me to move all the way across the country ‘just for you.’ I’d do it because I’m in love with you and I want us to have a life together. Why can’t you do the same? Is your career really that much more important to you than we are?”
He pulled his hand out of hers and stood. “Is yours?”
“That’s not fair. If we’re ever going to have a relationship, we have to treat each other—and our careers—as equal. If you expect me to be willing to move, you should be too. Unless…” She broke off watching the closed-off expression on his face. “Unless you don’t feel the same about me as I do about you.”
Her heart seized at the thought. Not only would it be humiliating to have professed love for someone who didn’t feel it in return, but she didn’t think she could face the heartbreak of losing something—someone—she wanted so badly.
“I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like, or what to expect,” he said, his voice brusque. “I know I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about any woman, but…”
“But not enough.” She finished the sentence for him.
“I’m not good at commitment.”
Melinda couldn’t say she was any better at it, having never had the opportunity. Like Buck, she threw herself into her work and her social life suffered. However, she did it for far different reasons, and now that she’d actually experienced love, it might wreck her to lose it.
“That’s a copout,” she said. “You know what I think? I think after you left home you learned how to protect your heart by pushing people away. You told yourself you were dedicating your life to protecting others in your mother’s name, but really you were only protecting yourself from ever feeling that kind of loss again.”
He jerked back on the couch as if she’d slapped him. “That’s not true.”
But the alarm that lurked in his eyes said otherwise. “When was the last time you went home to see your family?”
His expression closed off and shifted to that charm she’d come to realize he used to deflect. But before he could change the subject, or beguile her into accepting whatever excuses or explanations he had to offer, she stood and headed for the door. “I think you’d better leave.”
Before she lost her shit and cried like a lovesick baby because he’d never love her back. Before she drank an entire bottle of wine, or six pack of beer, or fifth of something. And ate a dozen donuts. And a gallon of ice cream.
She had her hand on the door knob when he joined her there.
“Chill and I have seats on a Navy flight tomorrow. Maybe a little distance will give us perspective. I’m sorry, Mindy.”
He almost looked like he meant it, but at that point she’d lost her ability to be objective. She opened the door for him. “I hope your ego keeps you warm at night, and happy for the rest of your life.”
She managed to wait until she closed the door before bursting into tears.
The next morning, Melinda woke in a foggy alcohol-ice-cream-cocoa-crispies hangover haze. After Buck left she’d sobbed, consumed everything in her kitchen, and left a half dozen desperate messages for Jayla to get her ass over there.
Melinda lay face down in her pillow with Mr. Wiggles snuggled up against her ribs.
“At least there’s one man in my life I can depend on,” she mumbled into the pillow.
Mr. Wiggles made a little half-meow sound and started purring. If only Melinda could be a cat. Life would be so much simpler.
Just then, she heard a pounding on the door, but before she could even sit up, the door opened and Jayla’s voice echoed through the house. “Hey, Nerd, are you home?”
Melinda flopped onto her back and yelled, “In the bedroom, Punk.”
Jayla appeared in the bedroom doorway carrying a canvas grocery bag and looking as lovelorn as Melinda felt. “Life sucks,” she said, dropping the bag on the floor. It made a sound like liquid
in glass. More alcohol?
“Tell me about it,” Melinda said.
Jayla threw herself onto the bed next to Melinda, and Melinda scooped her up into a hug.
“What’s wrong?” Jayla asked.
“I called you a bunch of times,” Melinda said.
“Sorry. My phone is currently sleeping with the fishes at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Long story. Which is why I came over first thing after I got back from D.C. I’m a hot mess.” Jayla huffed.
“Spill it,” Melinda said.
Jayla shimmied out of Melinda’s arms and turned to face her. “I slept with a SEAL.”
“Whoa, wait, what? I thought you were on a mission?”
Jayla covered her face with her hands, peeking through her fingers at Melinda. “I was.”
Melinda shook her head and let out a snort. At least she was in good company. They could commiserate together. “Is this conversation going to require alcohol?”
“Quite possibly, right down to hard liquor, and by the end of it cirrhosis of the liver.” Jayla rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
“I drank all mine last night, so unless that bag is full of booze, I don’t have any liquid therapy for you.” Melinda yawned and wished for some mouthwash. “Did you fall for him?”
Jayla shot up from the bed and paced the room in silence, ignoring her question. Melinda sat up and jiggled her fingers through her hair, fluffing out her bedhead. She watched Jayla pace back and forth, gnawing on a fingernail while she walked. “Oh shit,” Melinda said. She’d hit the nail on the head when she’d kind of been joking. Jayla didn’t fall for guys. “You fell in love. How did that happen?”
Jayla threw her hands up. “I don’t know. I was just minding my own business, and he was just there, so I kissed him. And then we ended up locked in a bathroom, then there was more kissing. The next thing I know I’m in the middle of the Pacific, and he saves my life three fucking times, and then there was the almost drowning, and the hurricane, and lots of amazing sex, some seriously deep talking and then more sex …”
“Holy crap,” Melinda waved her hands in the air. “Slow down.”
“See, I need you, too!” Jayla collapsed on the bed again, curling her head into Melinda’s lap. “What am I gonna do?”
Melinda petted Jayla’s head, stroking her hair. Talk therapy with Jayla might help her get through her own issues, given their situations were eerily similar. “Do you think he’s in love with you, too?”
Jayla turned and looked up her in Melinda’s eyes. “He’s a fucking SEAL. Of course not. I mean…I dunno. There were these moments…these really intense things happened and we had a connection. At least I thought we did, and we didn’t just have sex. This was like…insane passion and all the feels. I’ve never had that before and it’s freaking my shit out, Melinda.”
Panic knotted Melinda’s stomach as she thought about Buck. What if she never saw him again? The idea tore her up inside. She’d been through this all the night before.
Maybe if she tried to remain clinical about it—Jayla’s issues and her own—it would make more sense. “So, dissect it. What does your heart say? What do you feel?”
Jayla closed her eyes. “I miss him. I’ve thought about him non-stop since the moment we left the island.” Jayla tucked her arms around her stomach.
“Why do you think that is? What do you miss?”
Wrong questions, because they made her think of all the things she missed about Buck. Tears burned the backs of her eyes, and her throat tightened.
“Sweet baby Jesus, Melinda, you’re going all shrink on me. Can’t you just feed me alcohol and ice cream, and call it a day?” Jayla rubbed tiny fierce circles along her temples.
“Sorry, drank it all and ate it all last night,” she said, clearing the tears from her throat.
Everything hurt, from her head to her toes. Mainly her heart. This was an excellent argument for not falling in love. It wasn’t worth the pain, and the second-guessing all the time. Falling victim to emotions was far too dangerous.
Jayla dropped her arms to her sides and stared up at Melinda. Her head was upside down in Melinda’s lap, so her frown looked like a silly smile. “I’m really glad I brought some over, then. Wait. Why would you drink all your alcohol and eat all your ice cream?”
“You’re not going to believe me.”
“Try me. It can’t be any crazier than my story.”
“It’s exactly as crazy as your story. Turns out, I slept with a SEAL, too.”
Jayla stared at her for a moment, then busted up laughing. “Oh my God. It was that Buck dude, wasn’t it? From the party?”
“Yes. After you abandoned me, he brought me home and we had sex in my kitchen.”
“Dude, not where I eat my cereal. Come on!” Jayla said. “That seems kind of quick, don’t you think?”
Melinda rolled her eyes. “Says the girl who slept with a SEAL after making out with him at a BBQ knowing him all of five minutes.”
Jayla folded her arms and smirked. “Hey, this isn’t about me. This is about you and your poor life choices.”
“Fine. Buck spent the night, we had more sex, and then I went to work early Monday and Russians invaded the lab looking for me and the Amaranthine.” At that point, Jayla shot up onto her knees, her mouth hanging open in surprise. But Melinda was on a roll and just kept spilling her story. “Buck rescued me and took me home and I was so scared he stayed with me, but then the Russians came again—right here in my house—and kidnapped us both and took us out in the middle of the fucking ocean on a cargo ship. And oh my God, they beat the crap out of him right in front of me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone that messed up. But he rescued me—us—again, and we came home.”
“Holy shit, Melinda. Wait. What do you mean we? I don’t see him anywhere. What happened?”
“He wanted me to move to Virginia but the CIA insisted on recruiting me now that the Russians stole my research. They want to keep the balance of power, so they guilted me into continuing to work on it.” Tears filled her eyes as she met Jayla’s gaze. “All I could think of was if someone else did the work and you ended up taking the drug. I’d never forgive myself.”
Jayla’s eyes got glassy and she reached out to squeeze Melinda’s hand.
“So I told Buck and asked him if he could transfer here because I thought that’s what people who were in love did, but he didn’t want to transfer. So he left and now my heart is broken.”
Jayla threw herself into Melinda’s arms, hugging her tight.
When Melinda broke the hug, she said, “So anyway, that’s why I drank all the alcohol and ate all the ice cream.”
“SEALs are such pigs,” Jayla said.
Mr. Wiggles sauntered in between them, and Melinda stroked the fur between his ears. “But what if they’re not all pigs?”
Jayla snorted. “You just said he left.”
Melinda sighed, pausing for dramatic effect. “I’m not talking about Buck. I mean, yeah, I know, your dad was bad. But what’s the problem with your seal in particular? Because you know he’s not your dad. You have every right to be pissed at your dad, but what did he do to you? You can’t punish him for something he hasn’t done yet.”
“I know,” Jayla whimpered. “I know.”
“So, what’s the issue with your SEAL? Maybe one of us can get something out of this mess.” Melinda folded her arms, leveling her gaze on Jayla. If she couldn’t fix her own problems, maybe she could fix Jayla’s.
Tears welled in Jayla’s eyes and she shook her head.
“Say it,” Melinda demanded.
Jayla shook her head once more as the tears spilled over her cheeks.
“Admitting it isn’t going to make you weak. Saying the words doesn’t devalue who you are, who you’ve made yourself to be, Jayla.” Melinda reached out and rubbed Jayla’s shoulder as sobs ripped from Jayla’s chest. Sympathy tears welled in Melinda’s eyes. Dammit, Buck. Why did he have to leave?
“He
… he made me feel safe.” Jayla brushed away the tears and wiped her nose on her sleeve. Sucking in a deep breath, she said. “Like he really wanted to protect me.”
“You really are in love. Well, write this day on the calendar,” Melinda said with a quiet laugh. She swiped at her own tears.
Jayla gave her a nudge. “Bitch.”
Melinda snort-laughed and pulled her into a hug. “So I’m guessing things were left unsettled between you?”
“Yeah. We just kind of went our separate ways. I mean, the CIA choppered me out, and his SEAL team picked him up. So it’s not like we got to discuss a relationship, ya know? I mean, what if he doesn’t feel the same? What if it was all just another one night stand for him? Gawd, these feelings suck. This is why I don’t do this shit.”
Melinda pulled a lock of hair climbing its way into Jayla’s mouth. “Is he worth it?”
Jayla nodded without thinking. “Yeah. He’s actually pretty amazing. Inside and out. Holy shit, he’s so hot, Melinda. You remember him from the barbecue?”
Melinda blinked. “Wait, I think I remember seeing you kiss some dude at Caroline’s barbecue. Was that him?”
Jayla winced. “Maybe?”
“The one you stormed out and stole my car for, leaving me there?” Melinda’s eyes narrowed.
“Okay, so maybe I didn’t leave a great first impression. It all worked out in the end.” Jayla held up a hand. “What are you going to do about Buck?”
“I don’t know that there’s anything I can do.”
“Do you love him?”
“He made me feel safe and protected, I thought he respected me as a person and as a woman with a career, and he didn’t make fun of me for fainting. Not seriously, anyway. He was sweet, and tough, and so incredibly hot. And holy crap, the sex was ah-mazing. But like you said, it wasn’t just the sex, it was the connection and the intensity.”
“Uh-huh. So, yes, you love him.”
Melinda sighed. “Yes.”
Jayla folded her arms with a smirk. “Good. We can stick this out together. Besides, now that you’re staying here we’ve averted a catastrophe. I mean, if you’d chased a SEAL to Virginia, who’d cook for me? You know I can’t make anything but grilled cheese. Speaking of which, what do you have to eat? All this emotional baggage has made me hungry.”
Special Forces: Operation Alpha: Bang for the Buck (Kindle Worlds Novella) (SWAK Series Book 1) Page 12
