Me: Have you been drinking any wine lately?
My Wife: Do you feel all right? You look strange. Have some chocolate.
Me: Amelia? Have you opened any wine from the cellar lately?
My Wife: No, Benjamin. Not for months, remember, I’m in a no-alcohol phase. Are you sure you’re okay?
CONVERSATION WITH MY SON
12. I then proceeded up the stairs, passing my son, William (aged ten) on the way. William was carrying a chocolate aeroplane. I had a conversation with William, which was to the following effect:
Me: Hello there, William. Listen, how often do you drink my wine?
William: Huh?
CONVERSATION WITH MY DAUGHTER
13. I then knocked on Emily’s bedroom door. Emily was sitting on her bed eating a chocolate giraffe.
Me: Emily, there is no reason why you would drink my wine, is there?
Emily: No. I don’t even like wine. I like bourbon and vodka.
Me: Ah. That’s a relief. I just thought there was some missing from my collection.
Emily: You must have dislocated it. Try looking again.
Me: Okay. Good idea.
Emily: Oh, hang on. Wait a minute. We made a chicken casserole for dinner when you were away at the start of the holidays! Remember? At your conference?
Me: Did you? Lovely.
Emily: No. It wasn’t very good in the end. Anyway, but we thought some wine would make it better.
Me:
Emily: Lydia got a couple of bottles from the cellar but I told her to get the older dustier ones ’cause you probably wouldn’t miss them. That’s okay, isn’t it?
Me:
Emily: (suddenly sounding annoyed) Well, if it’s not okay, it’s your fault; if you want to go away with a bunch of nerdy lawyers instead of spending time with your children these kinds of things are just inimitable, aren’t they, Dad?
Me: (murmuring) Inevitable?
Emily: Exactly.
GERALD AT WORK
14. Yesterday, I had a chat with Gerald, one of the lawyers at work. Gerald told me he had been to a seminar on bringing up teenagers and that he found the seminar ‘super’
15. At the time of this chat with Gerald, I believed I had an excellent relationship with my teenage daughter, Emily. Therefore, I did not pay too much attention to Gerald.
16. However, I do recall that, in the course of our conversation, Gerald said words to the effect:
The thing with teenagers is, you have to remember to tell them how you feel. Most of us just react, you know? We act out our emotional response, without expressing it.
17. At the time, I thought this was stupid and I told Gerald to go review a contract.
18. However, since the episode relating to the Wine and Emily (see above), I have decided to express how I feel.
19. I have therefore prepared this Statutory Declaration to express how I feel.
HOW I FEEL
20. I believe that the use of the Wine in a chicken casserole has broken my heart.
And I make this solemn declaration conscientiously believing the same to be true and by virtue of the provisions of the Oaths Act (NSW) 1900.
Benjamin A. Thompson
PART 17
ASHBURY HIGH
YEAR 10
NOTICEBOARD
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When the school bells ring, our hearts do sing, Except when graffiti-artists do their thing.
Welcome Back to School Everybody!
The term starts off with a sorrowful story: a story that begins with ‘generosity’ and ends with ‘graffiti’. The Catamaran note below was posted by Bindy at 7 am today, and by 9 am the graffiti ‘artists’ among you had done their shameful work. Sadly, Bindy was so distressed by this graffiti, she has cancelled her mother’s offer of free places.
On a brighter note, the State Student Artist contest is coming up and one fine young artist from Ashbury MAY be selected to take their favourite work of art to Newcastle to represent the school district. Paintbrushes at the ready!
This has been a message from your Form Mistress
Ahoy there!
Who can
Catamaran?!!!!
Can YOU
Catamaran????!!!!
ARE YOU RETARDED?
Well—if NOT—would you like to LEARN
so that you CAN
Catamaran???!!!
[WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN SO THAT YOU CAN KISS MY ARSE?]
Cecily Mackenzie, mother of Bindy and Anthony Mackenzie, has GENEROUSLY offered to donate six FREE places at her new Club Catamaran Sailing School. Picture yourself on the sparkling harbour on Saturday afternoons! Picture yourself hoisting a brightly coloured spinnaker and sailing upwind!
SAILING UPWIND? IF THE SPINNAKER IS UP THEN YOU’RE GOING DOWNWIND, MORON?
Sign up below—HURRY! Only SIX places!
Ricky Adams Deanna Waites Barbara Allens Damien Arkell Darren Smith
Arcadia Johnston Tate Jones Adolf Hitler Frankenstein Mrs Frankenstein Grandma
Claire Fitz Ben Muldoon Rachael Haye Sarah Alston Jane Ongaro
Antonio Selhardy Carol Carvan Mario Sultana Sergio Irani Delia Wilkinson
Severino Arnett Lynette Bayney Santa Claus
Please don’t fill in any more than six names here, okay guys?
PART 18
LETTERS FROM
ASHBURY
Dear Charlie
Hello and welcome to the winter term. ☺I hope you had a happy holiday. Me too. Even though it was only two weeks. Mostly, Lyd, Cass and I hung out together and stayed at each others’ homes. Just talking, whiling through the rain and sometimes shopping or seeing a movie. Plus doing each other’s assignments. We sometimes exchange assignments, to add flavour.
Cass was kind of eerie and silent for the first few days, like she was keeping something secret. We tried to make her tell us by bribing her with Cherry Ripes; telling her she couldn’t use Lydia’s massaging-chair any more; and spiking her Coke with bourbon. None of it worked and anyway, she knew there was bourbon in her Coke.
You would know, wouldn’t you, because it tastes different.
It’s immortal, keeping a secret. I always tell everybody everything.
I have prepared an assessment report for your Date with a Girl, which, as you know, took place on the last day of term before the holidays. You made me promise to give you one, but I have a question, which is: are you kidding around? As you will see from the report, you are a fairly high standard to begin with.
ASSESSMENT REPORT
CHARLIE TAYLOR
It was a pleasure to go on a Date with Charlie Taylor. At first, I was a bit surprised to see that he had not obeyed my instructions about what he should wear but upon consternation it is good to see that he has some character of his own. And Charlie dressed very well and intriguingly.
Charlie should work on his humour. He was very funny when he told jokes, but he should tell them more often and they should be a bit funnier.
Overall, Charlie was a delight to have in the cinema. He seemed unconsciously nervous at first but that is a pleasure to see, as it makes him human, and he very quickly became cockled, which means he had a relaxed and funny way. He was kind-hearted with the popcorn etc and asked unexpected questions. He told some lively stories about his family but he also asked questions about my family. He did not seem dismayed about my extensive life.
Most importantly, Charlie was very expressive in the impression he got on his face when he first saw me. He was waiting outside the movies when I bore down on him.
This was important because it would have been shame if Charlie had got a disappointed impression, or a shocked and mollified expression. Instead, Charlie got a big, happy smile as if he was glad.
It might be that he was pretending but, if so, he is excellent at pretense.
Well done, Charlie.
A+
Assessment prepared by Emily Thompson
Hey Seb
Thanks for th
e sunflower. It lasted the whole holidays because I cut the stem at an angle and changed the water every day. This on the advice of Cass.
She’s full of surprises that Cass, eh?
Very smooth performance at the Blue Danish Café. How’d you do it?
Lydia
Hi Matthew
Hope you had a nice holiday. I did—mainly my friends and I took turns staying at each other’s places.
I just wanted to write and let you know that I still have the folder of material from my mother if you need it. I waited for you at the reserve but I guess you must have got held up somewhere or decided not to come. So it got fairly cold and dark, and in the end I had to leave.
Are you still interested in the information? I can just stick it in the Brookfield mail box at our school if you like and see if it gets to you. Or else I can mail it to you in the regular way if you give me your home address.
Take care
Cassie
PART 19
LETTERS FROM
BROOKFIELD
Dear Emily
Thanks for the report. It rocked. I had a great time with you that night and I thought about it a lot in the holidays, wondering what grade I got and how I could have improved.
I think you should have been more critical though, because how am I supposed to learn? Don’t forget that the goal is to steal Christina Kratovac away from her arsehole boyfriend. He stole her from her previous boyfriend, so he deserves to lose her. But I need to be pretty trained up for it.
If you want an assessment of your own behaviour on the Date with a Boy, you just say the word.
Love
Charlie
PS My smile when I saw you was real, not pretend.
To: LYDIA JAACKSON-OBERMAN
SPECIAL COVERT OPERATION REPORT
Agent: AKA (Seb Mantegna)
OPERATION: Operation Recognise Lydia First Assigned by Agent Lydia
RESULT: Successful (see sunflower with diagonally cut stems/fresh water in Lydia’s house)
FIELD NOTES: AKA confirms that Lydia is gorgeous (as AKA originally predicted).
AKA has been questioned about top-secret surveillance techniques/explanation for how he achieved success at Operation Recognise Lydia First.
AKA cannot believe anyone is asking this.
He will respond only with rank and serial number.
RANK: Number 1
SERIAL NO.: 01010101010101010101 (can’t remember but it was something like that)
QUESTION: What happens now?
Dear Cassie
Where was I?!?!?
You mean, where were you? I hung around at the reserve until, what, nine o’clock? I really wanted to meet you. I went home with blue balls and I don’t just mean from the cold.
One of us must have f**ked up and got the wrong place. Sorry to hear you were also on your own there. Bet ya didn’t wait as long as I did.
How was your holiday? Get some time in with your friends, Lydia and Emily? Been back to see Claire the Retarded Shrink?
My holiday kind of sucked the bag, cause I was pissed off with you. I was thinking I’d been stood up by another Ashbury princess. I guess I’m kind of bitter about it but I’m stoked now to see it was just mischance.
So, I’m going to give you a second chance to cock it up, I guess.
Kidding with you, Cass. I know it wasn’t your fault.
Then again, I’ve probably f**ked up my chances in respect of my trumpet playing because what hope have I got of your mother helping me now she thinks I left you hanging around the reserve like that? It’s not a safe place for nice little Ashbury girls.
You want to give it another shot? We should be more specific about exactly where in the reserve to meet this time.
Matthew Dunlop
PART 20
LETTERS FROM
ASHBURY
Dear Charlie
I am happy to be more critical of you, but I think you should ask yourself a question first: are you sure you want to go out with this Christina? Maybe you should just leave her where she is with this arsehole boyfriend of hers, where she is happy?
I had a nice conversation with Cass today. She is so secretive sometimes, like you wouldn’t believe, about personal things, but very chatty about impersonal things. Lydia and I always feel like a high five when we get her to tell us something personal. Today she told me that she is going to meet with her penfriend from Brookfield and he is a guy and she thinks he might be nice in an intriguing kind of way. His name is Matthew Dunlop, apparently, and he must be in your English class, as it is an exchange of letters between our classes that is going on here.
It is so amazing because that will mean all three of us have met with our penfriends from Brookfield.
Did I tell you that Lydia met her penfriend from Brookfield on the same night as I was seeing the movie with you? I can’t remember if I mentioned that on our Date, because we were mainly talking about us. Anyway, his name is Sebastian. Do you know him? What’s he like and is he good enough for my friend Lydia? I doubt it.
Best wishes
Emily
Hey Seb
You’re not in a prisoner-of-war camp.
It was me who gave you the assignment so you have to tell me how you did it.
What happens now? I’ll let you know as soon as Ms Yen shuts her mouth about parabolic equations.
See you
Lydia
PS Hey, what can you tell me about a guy in your English class called Matthew Dunlop? Cass got him as her Brookfield penfriend.
Hi Matthew
I’m sorry you were waiting there at the reserve. That’s pretty stupid that we were both there and didn’t see each other. It’s kind of weird.
You don’t need to worry about my mother quitting on you, because I didn’t tell her that you didn’t show up. Actually, I didn’t tell her where I was meeting you. I don’t think she’d have let me go there.
Plus, I was okay in the reserve—a girl from my school, Liz Clarry, turned up and hung out with me for a while. She was training there, only she couldn’t stay long because her mother was waiting to collect her.
She tried to make me leave the reserve with her, but I thought I should keep waiting in case you showed up.
Do you really want to try to meet at the reserve again? Em and Lyd would kill me if they knew I was meeting you there.
Cassie
PART 21
LETTERS FROM
BROOKFIELD
Dear Emily
Seb Mantegna is a buddy of mine and you should feel relaxed about him seeing your friend Lydia. He’s a good guy. I’d be happy if he went out with my sister or my daughter, for example, which is saying something.
But which is not saying I have a daughter. I know that’s exactly what you’re going to respond with: ‘Do you have a daughter?’ is how you’re going to respond. I know you, Em. So I’m getting in first here.
Matthew Dunlop, I couldn’t say. I’ve never heard of Matthew Dunlop. Are you sure he’s in my English class?
Charlie
Hey Lyd
Send me another assignment that involves meeting in person is my suggestion for what happens next. This time it might involve actual talking.
Seb
PS There’s no one in my English class called Matthew Dunlop. Actually, I asked around a bit and nobody’s heard of him. I don’t know who your friend Cassie has been writing to but he’s not at Brookfield High.
Dear Cassie,
Okay, new meeting place co-ordinates.
4.30 pm next Thursday—the third gate along from Pennant Hills Road—the fourth eucalyptus tree inside the reserve (there are only eucalyptus trees in the reserve).
All is forgiven from this end for messing up last time. I hope all is forgiven from that end too. And once again, I can’t wait to meet you.
Yours
Matthew Dunlop
PART 22
LETTERS FROM
ASHBURY
Dear Charli
e,
Well, there has been a strange and possibly catatonic development here. And I will cut to the chase which is: wethink Cassie has gone crazy.
Okay, so, you know I asked about a boy at your school called Matthew Dunlop? And you said you didn’t know him. At which point I thought:
It is clear that Charlie does not concentrate. Matthew Dunlop must be in his English class, and yet Charlie has not noticed this. That is an aspect of Charlie’s character to work on. Concentrating.
Only then Seb wrote to Lydia, and said he ALSO does not know Matthew Dunlop!
So then Lyd and I looked at each other in the following way: IF THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON AS MATTHEW DUNLOP, WHO IS CASSIE WRITING TO?
And we got a secret fear in each of our hearts that Cass was writing to NOBODY. Which would mean that either:
(a) she’s pretending she’s writing to somebody, just to trick Lyd and me, or
(b) she’s writing to an imaginary nobody and she thinks that he exists.
Lyd and I have grimly deduced that it is (b), because why would she do (a)? She has no reason to trick us, so far as we can see, and it would not be like her.
What do you think we should do? We are at a loss as our first inkling was to go straight to Cass and say words to the effect: ‘What the hell is going on?’
But then on the reverse hand, we are afraid that she might be in a fragile state and we could send her insane forever. Like when you wake up a person who is sleep walking.
So we are giving it time.
And in the meantime, we are going to ask you boys to check again, and make CERTAIN there is nobody at your school called Matthew Dunlop.
You could begin by breaking into the administration office and checking the school records.
Finding Cassie Crazy Page 11
