Dear Lyd
Okay, I will sniff out the scoundrel for you. But I don’t know what freesias smell like.
You’ll have to spray the perfume onto yourself then swing by the Blue Danish some time and find me sitting at a corner table, where I will lean forward and breathe deeply of your neck and your wrists.
That way I’ll recognise the smell.
When?
Seb
Hey Seb
I’m enclosing a sachet of the perfume that Cass is going to spill all over her letter to Matthew Dunlop today. I was hoping writing the letter would make her feel better. But she doesn’t look better to me.
Whoever he is, he should get the letter in the next couple of days, depending on how often he checks his mail.
See ya
Lyd
Dear Matthew Dunlop
Did the words of my letters really hurt your eyes that much?
I’m just writing to let you know that your plan didn’t work. If you were trying to make me fall for you or something? I didn’t. Matthew Dunlop wasn’t all that attractive.
Anyway, I won’t write again, and I’m guessing I won’t hear from you. Now that you’ve gone ahead and carried out your ingenious plan. It makes me wonder why you would bother but, I guess, whatever turns you on.
Bye then
Cassie
Thursday
Dear Emily
Well, it was nice chatting with you near the school gate yesterday afternoon. It’s a shame you couldn’t come have coffee with me, as per my suggestion because, bugger me, it was cold. But you were cute as ever, and I hope I did well at Saying Hello to a Girl I Met by Chance.
I’m enclosing the year photo from last year. Sorry it took me a couple of days to track it down. I don’t have the type of family who put photos in frames on the mantelpiece. We have a coffee table made out of hub caps and on the coffee table there’s a humorous picture of Jess being chased by a rooster. That’s it.
Anyhow, I hope the photo helps. As I said to you yesterday, I’d like to meet your friends Lyd and Cass some time, and maybe let Cass know that there are good guys at Brookfield as well.
You will see that there are names underneath the photo so if Cass figures out which face is his, she can match him up with a name.
I notice that there are a few guys in my year with the initials ‘MD’ and maybe that’s a clue. This guy might have been using his own initials. See Mario D’Angelo and Malcolm Dong, for example.
Love
Charlie
Friday
Dear Lyd
Here’s an update.
Matthew Dunlop: 1
Seb Mantegna: 0
As of today, I can see no letter addressed to Matthew Dunlop in the Ashbury letterbox here.
I’m guessing Cass sent it on Wednesday as you said, and I’m guessing Dunlop’s taken it. And I’ve been sniffing out the guys in my English class (to the extent that this is possible without getting my throat cut), but they smell the same way they always do: like feet and testicles. As opposed to freesias.
I don’t want to keep sniffing them, Lyd.
I did think I could be a kind of goalkeeper for you and just guard the letterbox until ‘Matthew’ showed up. But I had to go to classes. Also, goalkeepers tend to be stupid people.
It could be he chucked the letter away without reading it, before the smell got a chance to infiltrate. Or it could be that he ingeniously took a shower while he read it.
Whatever he’s done, it was a nice manoeuvre and you’ve got to admire his footwork. Me? I hope you have a good weekend and I am very sorry I have failed you.
Seb
Dear Charlie
I would like to begin by giving you full marks for Saying Hello to a Girl You Met by Chance. When I saw you standing there at the gate, you got such a genuine surprised look, but on the other hand, it was restrained. In particular, you stayed very still, leaning against the fence, and allowed your eyes and your little smile to provide the look.
Now, furthermore, I liked your conversation, which was relaxed and I only wish I had thought of things to talk about in advance as I suddenly got tongue-tied, as you may have noticed. And this would have surprised you perhaps as I am not normally tongue-tied, am I? No. And I’m sorry we didn’t have coffee as you suggested. It would have been jumping the gun. And I was a bit scared of continuing tongue-tied, to speak the truth.
I would like to continue this letter by expressing my gratitude to you for tracking down the photo and sending it over. That is real thoughtfulness, and Cass also says you must be a nice guy to do that. Although she wishes I hadn’t told you about ‘Matthew Dunlop’ (MD) as she is embarrassed about it, and poor Cass, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. But she is.
Now, the sad thing is that Cass looked at the photo and she didn’t recognise MD.
(You know, that makes me think: ‘MD’ means doctor, I believe. So maybe it is a clue in that way? Is there a hopeful young doctor in your English class? Someone who likes blood, for instance, or sewing? Do you know such a person?) I was a bit amazed that she didn’t recognise him, but then I looked at the photo closely and I couldn’t even see YOU. Not for AGES. I had to find your name in the list of names and match it up with the face, and your face looked so teeny and your mouth was curious. It did not do you justice, I am sorry.
The next thing to do might be to create an IDENTIKIT photo. I will find somebody artistic in my year and Cass can describe MD, and the person will sketch him and I can send it over to you.
Cass is a bit dubious, but I am sure you agree it is just the idea.
Best regards
Em
Cassie
You’re a psychopath. I ask myself: why would anybody write another letter to me (a perfumed letter)? Is she retarded? And then I realise: she must have the hots for me so bad it’s sick.
You must have one of those diseases where you get obsessed with a guy and you can’t stop liking him even if he tells you you’re a stupid slag.
You’re so deranged in the head, I feel sorry for you.
Get over me, Cassie.
Yours faithfully
Matthew Dunlop
Monday
Dear Seb
Thanks for the update. Don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault if the plan didn’t work.
It’s the fault of the plan.
I thought about it over the weekend and I realised it was stupid. This is why: the perfume from a letter wouldn’t hang around in a noticeable way for longer than thirty seconds.
This is also why: you could find a guy who had that perfume smell and it wouldn’t prove a thing, because maybe it’s an innocent guy who’s been getting it on with his girlfriend and the girlfriend wears the perfume.
So don’t lose sleep over it. I’ll come up with another plan soon. There’s no way this guy’s getting away with what he’s done, and if he thinks he’s got away with it, he’s as stupid as a goalkeeper.
Why exactly are goalkeepers stupid?
Hello, it’s me again. I had to stop writing to play a game of squash. Now the pen is slippery because of my sweaty hands.
Cass has just finished her game and is leaning back in the chair beside me with her feet on the table, not sweating at all. She’s an athlete. I’ll ask if she wants to say hi to you.
She said no thanks.
Then, you know what she said? (She’s gone to buy a drink so she can’t see me telling you this.) She said that she’s planning to write to Matthew Dunlop again. She says he replied to her letter (but she didn’t want to show me what he wrote), so now he has the last word again.
I gave her a lecture about last words. Specifically, about how they are fine in the short term, but if you keep on hitting last words back and forth, the words get out of control and spill all over the squash court.
She said I made no sense and went to get us drinks.
Anyway, if she’s writing to him again, I’m going to fill the envelope with crushed glass and all
you have to do is look out for the guy in your English class with bleeding hands.
No, in fact, I’ve decided to put a lot of colourful glitter in the envelope. I’ll pick some up at the newsagent. If you’ve had any experience with colourful glitter you’ll know that at least one or two bits of it stick to your hands or your face and stay there for days, even if you have a shower. Also, that it glints when the sun hits it.
See you
Lydia
Tuesday
Dear Lydia
I will now watch with hawk-like vision for a guy in my English class with specks of glitter on his cheeks.
Lydia, are you interested in meeting me for a game of squash this weekend?
Seb
Dear Em
My good buddy Seb Mantegna is an artist. He’s like Van Goff or someone, he’s that good. He just got chosen to be the one person from the whole school district to take some of his art along to a contest in Newcastle. Plus, as we know, he is friendly with your buddy Lyd.
So maybe we should get HIM to draw up the identikit photo for Cass? All five of us could meet someplace and watch him sketch while Cass describes, and it would be a hoot and a blast as my mother would say.
Think about it.
Another thing, maybe the so-called Matthew Dunlop said something useful in his letters to Cass? Maybe he told her some identifying details/clues etc, which you could pass on to me? Then I could track him down?
I just realised it’s Wednesday tomorrow. Do you want to make Wednesday a regular Meeting-a-Girl-by-Chance kind of day?
Charlie
Hey Charlie
Yes! I know. It was a good idea asking Cass about clues in the letters. But what she has disclosed to me is that she thinks EVERYTHING that this ‘Matthew Dunlop’ said in his letters to her was a LIE. He is a real piece of work, as my mother would say.
Respectfully
Emily
PS It is clear that we need to work on Meeting a Girl by Chance, as you do not understand it. You don’t ARRANGE a REGULAR meeting by chance. It must happen by chance. Certainly, I will be leaving school around 4.30 tomorrow afternoon, but what of it?
PPS I am pretty sure it is not ‘Van Goff ’ but ‘Van Go’. But there is no need to be embarrassed.
Wednesday
Matthew
I wish I knew your real name. I sometimes think that if I just wrote out that name, in a slow, careful way, I might be able to reach the person inside your head.
Here’s what I think: that you decided to use a fake name in your first letter, trying to make me go away and the fake name became a whole character. And then you couldn’t get out of character.
Don’t worry—this is going to be my last letter. I won’t write again—and please don’t write to me. I don’t want your pen writing my name.
I’m not a lunatic, it’s just that my dad died around this time last year. I never told you that. I’ve been trying to get better because I think it’s been long enough, but sometimes I think it was easier last year, just crying on Lyd’s and Em’s shoulders. Whereas this year, I’m trying to stand up on my own.
The counsellor told me the way to do that was to find a perfect stranger and tell them about myself, and guess what, I chose you. It’s funny, because you’re such a perfect stranger, Matthew Dunlop, that you don’t even exist.
Anyway, I’m writing now, to let you know that you don’t know me. You think you got into my head—you think all that gabbling in my letters was the real me. But it wasn’t, it was only words.
You only saw a crazy me. Or you only saw lots of tiny pieces of me, like an envelope full of glitter.
Yours truly
Cassie
Thursday
Dear Charlie
Well, you have improved even more on Meeting a Girl by Chance. In particular, I liked your addition to the small smile, which was when you raised one finger in the air to say hello.
I don’t know what to do about tracking down Matthew Dunlop. The identikit idea seems to be of no enthusiasm to Lyd or Cass, which, go figure.
I do think that the solution is for you to walk around to every guy in your English class and whisper ‘Matthew Dunlop’ into each guy’s ear.
Now, I know you laughed heartily at me when I suggested this yesterday afternoon. I know you kept pretending to take it seriously and trying to rehearse by whispering in my ear. I know it was very humorous as I get ticklish when someone whispers in my ear, especially when they whisper nonsense such as ‘Toblerone’.
Yes, hahdy ha, Charlie, very hahdy ha.
But I don’t know what to do. I am at a loss and so is Lyd, and Cass seems sadder than ever.
Love
Emily
Dear Seb
So, listen, Cass just told me she sent the letter yesterday afternoon. I was starting to think she wouldn’t send it and I didn’t know what to do. I hope you’re watching out for a glittering boy.
I guess we should be careful to make sure it’s him. Glitter gets around.
Cass also told me she’s had enough of letters, which is a good thing, because even though I wanted her to send this one, I was going to put her in a straitjacket if she tried to write again.
I hope we find him soon.
Lydia
Friday
To: LYDIA JAACKSON-OBERMAN
SPECIAL COVERT OPERATION REPORT
Agent: AKA (aka Seb Mantegna)
OPERATION: Operation Track Down Matthew Dunlop Assigned by Agent Lydia
RESULT: Successful (see below)
FIELD NOTES: Suspect was spotted by Agent AKA in the school admin block. Suspect was requesting new bus pass from school receptionist and reaching out to sign form. Suspect had one pink glitter speck on knuckle of right hand.
Suspect is in AKA’s English class, so AKA’s heart began to beat quickly.
AKA proceeded to skip next class in order to break in to Suspect’s locker and search contents of locker. Contents of locker included approximately 500 glitter specks (scattered over books, rotting fruit etc) and the remains of one envelope addressed to Matthew Dunlop.
The envelope seemed to have been ripped into five pieces, probably while standing at locker (it looked like he hadn’t even opened the envelope, just gone ahead and ripped it up). Suspect must have got a shock when glitter specks went all over the shop. That’ll teach him to not open his letters.
DISCOVERY: Matthew Dunlop is PAUL WILSON.
REACTION: Discovery is a shock and a half to me and Charlie, for reasons which I should tell you in person.
QUERY 1: What do you want me to do to him?
QUERY 2: Charlie tells me he’s meeting your friend Em after school every Wednesday. You and I should give that a shot.
Hey Em
Seb just told me he’s tracked down Matthew Dunlop. It’s a guy called Paul Wilson, which has hit us for a six.
I’ve mentioned him to you before, is the thing. He’s the Year 10 captain, star of the school drama and boyfriend of the beautiful Christina.
See you
Charlie
PART 27
WINTER TERM
EMILY AND
CHARLIE
Dear Charlie
THERE ARE SO MANY SURPRISES!
Friday was astonishing. I was just taking a little break from History in the library, downloading some mobile ringtones at the computer there, and Lyd came skidding in, breathless and shiny-eyed. She had just got the letter from Seb, disclosing Matthew’s identity, and she also handed me your letter, which she’d found in the mail box.
There was so much to talk about! Lyd and I had to leave the school grounds. They were too small to contain our many thoughts.
We did not rush straight to Cass with the news; Lyd thought she was too fragile. So Cass still doesn’t know. However, Lyd herself is all of one response: she is on fire with revenge. She wants to figure out the PERFECT REVENGE. It might take her a couple of weeks, as she wants to think it through, and then I will participate.
> In the meantime, I will just philologise on the surprises.
One surprise is that the evil Matthew Dunlop has a name like Paul Wilson. It is so forgetful! It is such a plain, ordinary, non d’ scrip name! Strange.
Another surprise is that Paul Wilson is the boyfriend of your Christina. And it makes me think: are you sure this Christina is a nice person, choosing such a horrible boy as that? Christina may not be that great.
You may like to set her aside.
Anyway, I’m glad the search is complete, as I am now free to do homework etc and, most important, continue with your training program. Would you like to continue?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP WITH FINDING MATTHEW DUNLOP.
Love
Emily
Dear Em
It was a pleasure.
And yes, please continue with the training.
Great.
You’re right about the surprises, but maybe some are not so surprising as they seemed. As I said before, I was bowled over when I heard it was Paul Wilson but now I’ve thought about it, it kind of makes sense. He’s one of those charming types who all the girls giggle about, like girls do, and even teachers attempt to flirt with him. Being form captain, actor etc is where he gets his magnetism from, I’d say. (And it’s not actually Christina’s fault that she got pulled in by it, eh?)
But I’ve always thought he might have an evil marrow. Seb agrees. He thinks maybe Paul used the penfriend thing to release his evil self in an anonymous way.
Love
Charlie
PS I don’t think you meant non d’ scrip when you said that Paul Wilson is a non d’ scrip name. I don’t think that’s a French expression but the English word: nondescript. That’s just a feeling I have.
Dear Charlie
Okay, I have thought about this training program and it’s going to have to take several weeks, even years. It may be that you will not even know Christina any more by the time it’s finished! Who knows? The point is: there are so many aspects of being a boy that we have to cover! There are things like: the hair, the shoes, the talking, the walking, the dancing, the getting hold of alcohol without difficulty etc, etc.
Finding Cassie Crazy Page 14
