by Soto, S. M.
“What did you want?”
Slowly, he turns to look down at me. Like a spotlight shining down on him, the moon highlights his features, making it hard to do anything but beam at him in awe. For a moment, we just sit here in the long blades of grass with the rolling sounds of the creek as the moon stares down at us, studying our interaction as we watch each other. A long moment passes between us, and a startling vibration travels down my spine at the way he stares so deeply into my eyes. It’s an awareness of sorts. His heated gaze roams my face, and it’s like the first time he’s seeing me.
He shakes his head ever so slightly, breaking contact, and glances down at the small sliver of space between us. “It doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing I can tell you is to get out. Get as far away from here as you can.”
Summoning the brazen courage I didn’t realize I had, I look down at his larger than life hand resting in the blades of grass between us and tentatively place mine over his. It prompts him to swing his troubled gaze to mine. “For what it’s worth, I think you have the potential to do anything you want, End.”
A crease forms between his brows as he stares down at me. His bright, beautiful gaze travels over my features. His stare is a texture I can feel as it traces the lines of my face, down my neck and its slow descent back up. Gooseflesh suddenly covers every inch of my skin at the way he’s looking at me. Endymion has seen me around town many times, but he’s never truly seen me until now. He’s never stopped to stare. And his stare has never looked as heated or as sexual as it does now.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says quietly, almost to himself, as if he’s in a daze. He slides his hand behind my neck, slowly dragging me toward him. The instant his hand is on me, I’m putty in his hold. I fall into his touch, my eyes fluttering shut at the myriad of sensations swirling through my body.
Then after what feels like a lifetime of waiting, we’re kissing. His warm, soft lips are on mine, working in tandem, coaxing me to open for him. A swarm of warmth explodes in my belly, and something else tugs low, much deeper. It flutters and pulls just behind my navel. I moan into his mouth, tentatively threading my fingers through the soft hair at the nape of his neck.
The first time I’ve been kissed, and it’s by the boy I’ve been in love with for years. The boy I’ve wished endlessly on every star would finally notice me—would finally want me. As our kiss grows heavy, his tongue tangling with mine, my teeth nipping at his plump lips, and my hands traveling across his overheated skin, I realize he’s not that boy anymore. He’s all man now.
Endymion rolls over on top of me, and I gasp into his mouth when I feel his erection digging into my hip. My core throbs painfully, causing an ache to bloom between my legs. My body is on fire. With every stroke of his tongue and firm glide of his hand, I lose myself in him, falling deeper and deeper into this man until I can’t possibly find my way out.
This is what I always wanted. This is all I’ve ever wanted.
He suddenly pulls his mouth away from mine, both of us gasping for much-needed air, our chests heaving, working to accommodate the heavy breathing. End stares down at me with such fire and wonder in his eyes that I want to bottle this memory up and keep it forever. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not leaving here with my virginity intact tonight. He’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to have any part of me, and I’m certain that I’ll never have an opportunity like this with him again.
A bright smile lights my face, surprising him. He opens his mouth, more than likely to ask why I’m grinning like a loon, but I beat him to it. Sliding my arms around his neck, I jerk him down to meet me halfway before I dive in for another kiss. He groans into my mouth, and my sex clenches at the sound. Heat swirls in my belly, and unable to stop myself, my hips thrust up toward his, seeking some type of friction as my hands roam his muscled back.
Knowing exactly what I need, End aligns his hips with mine and thrusts his erection over the seam of my jeans, rubbing against the bundle of nerves. I let out a breathy moan that gets lost in the cool night breeze.
“More,” I pant out between heated kisses.
Endymion trails his mouth from my lips down to my neck, swirling his tongue there, making me moan louder. My hips swivel harder now, and I let out a whimper when I feel him work his hand between our bodies and pop the button on my jeans. The sound of the zipper gliding down the metal teeth gets lost in my moans as he kisses my neck. He traces his mouth down, lower, his lips toying with the top of my tank top. My nipples strain painfully against the material of my bra, begging for attention.
At the same time Endymion slips his hand inside my pants and underwear, he pulls the tank top down with the shell of my bra to expose my erect nipple. He makes a hungry sound in the back of his throat as he takes my nipple into his mouth, his warm tongue swirling around the peak. I gasp, my back arching off the grass, when I feel his fingers glide through my wetness. There are too many delicious sensations happening at once for me to focus on. He grazes his teeth over my nipples, alternating from one nipple to the next, driving me insane.
I dig my nails into his back, enjoying his sharp hiss, and the way he slides his fingers inside me, curling them, pumping them in and out, just like I do when I think of him at night. I blink my bleary, lust-hazed eyes open and stare at him hovering on top of me. Thick strands of his rebel curls fall along his forehead, but it’s his face, his expression that has me enraptured. He looks like sex. Like the hottest man on the planet. With his plump bottom lip trapped between his teeth, he’s enjoying my reaction to him—enjoying the way my body responds to his touch.
“I need more, End, please,” I breathe into the night air, arching my back again when his fingers continue pumping in and out of me while he swirls his thumb around the bundle of nerves. With a new brand of impatience, I reach down and start working my jeans down my legs. End follows suit, working down his jeans and freeing his cock. I try not to balk at the sight of his penis, but seeing as this is the first time I’ve ever seen one in real life, it’s hard not to. Especially when his just looks so…long and thick. My core clenches again, this time with anticipation, as he lines himself at my center. We stare at each other, suspended in this moment, and then he’s kissing me again. Or I’m kissing him again.
I can no longer tell where he starts and I end.
A groan tears from my chest when he dips the head of his cock in and out of my entrance, lubing himself up. He then brings the tip up to my clit and swirls it there, sending my brain into a tailspin. I can already feel my orgasm looming, and he hasn’t even slid inside me yet.
“So beautiful,” he whispers near my ear as he trails kisses down the side of my neck, heading back to my chest. My nails dig into his back when I feel him enter me. My body tries to fight the intrusion, instead of welcoming it, and I coach myself through it, trying to focus on his mouth. His tongue swirls around my nipple as I arch my body into his, breathing through the pain, moaning in his ear.
“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he grits out, as he pushes past the barrier of my virginity. I clutch him and lose myself in the way his hips pump into mine. The way his cock feels sliding in and out of me. My body feels so full, there’s an unbearable stinging pang, but behind it is a delicious tug of something deep in my gut. That something has me bringing him closer to me, begging for more.
Endymion lifts my leg over his shoulder, changing the angle of his thrusts, and I lose myself in him. My eyes roll back, and sounds I hadn’t even known I could make leave my lips. He’s everywhere. His mouth is on mine, stealing the breath from my lungs, and the only sounds are our bodies meeting, coming together as one, and the distant lapping of the creek.
“God, you’re fucking perfect,” he pants out between kisses as he slides his hand between our bodies. My moans grow in volume when he rubs my clit. It all becomes too much—his thrusts and the way he’s working my clit—and I fall apart beneath him, my walls clenching around him, making the sting between my legs more pronounced. E
ndymion pumps quicker and deeper now, and when a sensual groan spills from his lips and I feel him come inside me, I moan, tugging his lips down to mine, and kiss him, losing myself in him.
We stay like that for a while, our lips and bodies connected, but each of us no longer moving. Slowly, he slides out, and I hiss in pain. I feel sore between my legs. It suddenly feels oddly barren and empty down there without him inside me. Such an odd sensation.
He hovers over me, each hand planted on either side of my head, effectively caging me in. Endymion stares down at me with such heat and a lingering softness in his eyes, it’s a complete contradiction, but regardless, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into him. Both of our chests are still heaving, and I take this time to commit every part of this moment to memory. The way his hungry eyes rake across my face, taking my features in. The way the light of the moon catches on the perspiration dotted along his forehead. The way the entire night suddenly seems as if it belongs to just the two of us.
Unable to contain it, a bright smile spreads across my face, and my heart skips a beat when his does the same. He’s always had the most handsome smile. Dipping his head down, he kisses me gently, his tongue parting my lips and softly stroking my tongue. He’s hypnotizing. He’s all-consuming. He’s everything I knew he would be, yet somehow, he’s so much better. So much bigger. So much more.
With a final peck, he drops down beside me, pulling me onto him. I go willingly, relishing in the feel of his warm chest beneath my head. After sometime, we both dress, and much to my surprise, he falls back onto the grass, taking me with him. My eyes flutter closed, and I listen to the sound of his pounding heart and his heavy breathing slowly returning to normal. I don’t know how long we spend lying there, staring up at the sky, stargazing.
At some point, while his fingers are running through my hair, I must’ve fallen asleep because I come to when I realize I’m being lifted into someone’s arms. Slowly, I rouse, blinking up at End through sleep-bleary eyes as he carries me from the creek. The trees and the sky hang above him like a beautiful backdrop, and the moon follows him as though she, too, is chasing him, trying to get a glimpse of what comes next.
“What’s happening?” I ask, my voice groggy with sleep.
His answering chuckle is raspy. It hits me in places that take my breath away. “It’s getting cold out. I should probably get you home.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, and I nuzzle back into the warmth of his chest, never wanting him to let go.
“I live on Sunflower Lane.” I yawn.
“I know, beautiful girl.”
I don’t even remember my head hitting the pillow after he carried me home. One second, I was walking inside the house, wearing a huge smile on my face, and the next, I was crawling into bed feeling like a brand-new person.
I lost my virginity to the man I’ve been in love with for what feels like all my life. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and see what comes next—where the future takes us. Sure, he doesn’t have a lot in his life figured out, but I am sure that what happened tonight has changed everything.
The next morning, after showering and eating breakfast, I make my way toward End’s house. There is an extra unsuspecting pep in my step, not to mention, a sting between my legs. With each throb, I think of last night. I swear I can still feel him inside me. The moment was magical; it was what I had waited years for. A constant heat swirls in my chest, billowing and spreading with each breath. A lasting impression from last night, I suppose.
I pause on his doorstep, flattening my hair to make sure I look okay before summoning the courage to ring his doorbell. I spent a little extra time getting ready this morning. I don’t usually bother with makeup, mainly because I tend to look like I have a perpetual blush and red lip going, but today, I took extra time with my hair and put on mascara. I didn’t put too much thought into my outfit and just settled on a pair of shorts and a loose V-neck. With my heart pounding violently and butterflies roaring in my belly at the thought of seeing him again, I raise my hand to ring the doorbell. My eyes widen when the door suddenly swings open, and there, in all his handsome glory, is Endymion. His brows pull down when he sees me.
“Hey?” He walks out, shutting and locking the door behind him. I tuck loose strands of hair behind my ear, shifting on my feet. I can already feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I think about last night. My stomach clenches at the memory.
“Hey, you. I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing after last night.”
If possible, the crease between his brows deepens, and he comes up short, his footsteps faltering.
“Riiight.” He nods, rubbing at the back of his neck. It’s such a boyish mannerism that it makes my stomach flip. “You’re, uh…it’s Selene, right?”
The smile that was on my face slowly tapers off. A sinking feeling enters my stomach, leaving the hairs at the back of my nape standing at attention. “Yeah,” I reply cautiously, a frown now marring my features. “I’m sorry. Am I missing something here—”
“Endy!” Holly singsongs, grabbing our attention. “Are you ready to go? I start my shift in thirty.”
That sinking feeling turns into a pit that I feel taking over, swallowing me from the inside out.
“Hey, kid, look, I gotta give Holly a ride, then head to work, but, um, I guess I’ll see you around? Talk to you later?”
Pain slices through my chest, creeping into the center, making it hard to breathe. I nod jerkily, fighting back tears as I watch him head toward his truck. My chin quivers, and I bite my bottom lip until all I feel is burning pain. Anything to hold back the tears that are so close to falling. Holly tugs on the back of his shirt as he passes her, bringing him closer, and plants a kiss on his lips. That crater in my chest grows when he pulls back, chuckling down at her like she’s his whole world.
“What happened to you last night? I thought we were going to hang out.”
End shakes his head as he makes his way around his truck. “I got so fucking drunk that I blacked out. I don’t remember a damn thing.”
My heart shatters at his words.
Right there on his porch, I feel the walls close in on me. White noise fills my ears. A cold slicing ache spears into my chest. It shoots down the center, making everything tight and hard to breathe. A dark tunnel swims and ebbs, threatening to pull me under just as my lungs squeeze as though in duress.
End glances back at me one final time as they climb into the truck, that crease between his brows ever-present.
They drive off, and I finally let the floodgates free. I stumble off Endymion’s porch with tears streaming down my cheeks. My vision is so blurred by tears that I end up tripping on the sidewalk and scraping my knees, but my heart is in so much pain that my body doesn’t process the burning from the ripped flesh. There’s a gaping hole in my chest where the organ should be.
So I lost my virginity to the man I’ve loved through my adolescent years, and he was so drunk that he doesn’t remember any of it. He doesn’t remember the moment we shared. He doesn’t remember taking my virginity. Hell, he doesn’t remember me at all.
He doesn’t remember.
I place a trembling hand over my stomach to settle the sudden bout of nausea I feel. How could I be so stupid? How could I not notice? I internally berate myself for my stupidity.
Was I so blinded by my own lust for him that I didn’t realize he’d been drinking? He tasted like mint, not alcohol. How could I be so foolish?
I’m not even surprised that when I walk into my house with tears streaming down my face, my parents are too busy arguing about money and my college funds to notice. I slink into my room and crawl into bed, my body wracking with sobs. All for the brokenhearted, foolish girl who gave herself to a man who doesn’t even remember. A man who doesn’t even know she exists. I gave Endymion my heart when I was eleven years old, and all he’s done in the seven years since then is break it.
I tell myself it’s a good thing I’m leaving.
I won’t have
to see him anymore.
I won’t have to see him and Holly anymore.
I make a vow to myself as I sob into my sheets. I won’t backtrack this time. While I’m in Pasadena, I’ll put my feelings for Endymion in the rearview, and I won’t look back. He had his chance, but I will never, ever let him have any more power over me than he’s had these past seven years.
Endymion means nothing to me.
I just wish I knew then that forgetting about him would be easier said than done.
Present—Six Years Later
“Luna, baby girl, shoes now!” I yell from the front door for the third time. I finally hear the pitter-patter of her feet, and when she rounds the corner, I see the attitude written all over her face. She slips her tiny feet into her unicorn Vans, whipping her long chestnut hair over her shoulder.
“I heard you the first time, Mommy.”
I prop my hands on my hips. “Then why didn’t you come the first time?”
She sighs as she walks past me, almost as though I should know better. And honestly, at this point, maybe I should. If there was ever a poster child for a kid with attitude, it would be my daughter. At just five, almost six years old, Luna is probably the sassiest child I’ve ever met. If I hadn’t birthed her, I wouldn’t even be sure she’s mine. She sure in the hell doesn’t have my features. She’s a clone of her father. I think that’s what makes looking at her every day so hard. It reminds me of that young, doe-eyed girl who harbored a crush on a boy who never returned said crush. Instead, he just unknowingly broke her heart at every turn.
My sweet Luna is my blessing and my painful reminder all wrapped in a beautiful, sassy package.
After that night at the creek, I thought for sure that was it for us. After all the years of trying to get him to notice me, I thought Endymion had finally seen me. In the heat of the moment, I’d given in to him, giving him everything I had to offer by losing my virginity to him. I was so stuck in the moment that I didn’t realize we didn’t use a condom. I was a virgin, so it’s not like I was worried about spreading anything, and I thought I could trust him. But I was wrong. The next day was a nightmare. The way he treated me as if I was a stranger, just a “kid,” and the way he could so easily forget about the night we shared together was a stab to the heart. How was I so infatuated with him that I missed his slurred words or unfocused stare? For someone drunk, he seemed so…normal.
