by Soto, S. M.
“Luna’s…” I choke, looking at the ground. Pressure builds in my chest, making it hard to breathe. I can’t even look him in the eye and say it. “Endymion is Luna’s dad. I never told anyone. It’s a…a long story. And it’s one he doesn’t remember.”
When I look up, my dad is staring at me with shock. Something passes over his features, but it’s too brief to dissect it. “Did he…did he hurt you?”
The lines around his mouth are deep, and I realize then what my explanation probably sounded like to a father’s ears.
“No! God, no. It wasn’t like that. He was…drunk. He didn’t remember any of it the next day, and I never told anyone. Then when I was in Pasadena, I found out I was pregnant. I made the wrong decision back then. I decided to keep a father from his child, and I know that was wrong.” I sniff, trying to keep the pressure in my nose and eyes at bay. “We can talk more tomorrow, but right now, I think I just want to lie down with Luna and stop thinking just for a little while.”
Without waiting for a response, I head down the hall and fall into bed next to my sweet girl. Silent tears trek down my face well into the morning. Regret is heavy and unbearable when I do eventually fall asleep.
I wake to the normal sound of End’s crew working in the backyard. My heart does a sudden, traitorous jolt, and my stomach churns when my brain processes what happened last night. I spring up from the bed and run to the window, looking out toward the street, trying to see if I spot his truck.
Part of me wonders if he’ll show up today at all.
Will he demand to take Luna?
What will happen next?
Padding into the bathroom, I brush my teeth and wash my face, taking in my swollen eyes and everything else I hate about myself. I’m having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror today, more so than usual. The weight of my past decisions is suffocating. Coming face-to-face with my poor choices is a slap in the face. I thought I was doing the right thing all those years ago. Hell, that’s a lie. I always knew it was wrong, but I wasn’t strong enough to face my faults head-on.
Heading back into the bedroom, I notice Luna stirring, and I can’t help the smile that takes over my face. She’s the one good thing in all of this. The only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. As I stare at my sweet girl, her little cherubic face soft with sleep, my heart aches, worry burning in my gut.
I don’t want to hurt her.
The sound of something slamming shut outside has me edging toward the window. Ice floods my veins, and I freeze, watching as Endymion makes his way toward the house, gait stiff with barely restrained anger. Lurching into action, I snatch my cotton robe off the hanger and run out of the bedroom with my heart in my throat. In the narrow hallway, I pass my mom, who is eyeing me as if I’m insane.
“Stay with Luna. Keep her inside. Endymion just got here, and I’m not exactly sure what to expect.”
I’m already running toward the door when she shouts after me.
“But you’re still in your pajamas!”
I have bigger things to worry about.
I throw the front door open just in time, because Endymion is there, his hand raised like he was about to ring the doorbell. There’s a moment when we both stand there, saying nothing as we stare at one another. The air crackles with a tension that is so potent, it’s a live wire between us. Apprehension snakes its way through my veins, and my stomach turns uncomfortably.
That moment evaporates when I shut the door behind me, meeting him on the porch steps. Those lips that kissed me senselessly only hours prior now thin into a grim line and the muscle in his jaw fastens with frustration. His breathing turns heavy with whatever emotions he’s feeling.
“Hey,” I offer timidly, testing the waters. If possible, his face becomes more severe at the sound of my voice. “How are you?”
Endymion’s brows raise incredulously. “How am I? How am I?” The tenor of his voice ramps up in volume, and his thunderous expression has fear skipping down my spine. He takes a threatening step into me, and on instinct, I stumble back. My senses are on high alert. “How the fuck do you think I’m doing, Selene?”
Tightness spreads through my chest, making my throat tight. “I know. I’m sorry. That was dumb. I just…I just didn’t know where your head was after last night.”
“And where the fuck would you expect it to be?” he bellows, and I flinch at the ire in his voice. A sob builds in my throat. I’ve never had anyone talk to me the way he is right now. I’ve never done well being yelled at. Maybe it’s from years of living in a home with parents who fought the same way, but my stomach tightens, and I grow uneasy. I risk a glance back at the house, worried Luna will hear his raised voice. A few of his men have stopped working and are glancing our way, likely trying to figure out what’s happening between us.
“I’m so sorry, End,” I whisper.
“You’re sorry?” He scoffs. The sound is a finely crafted blade to the heart. “You stole my daughter from me, Selene, and you think your sorry makes it all fucking better?”
“Please, just calm down and let me explain.”
“Calm down?” He takes another step into me. This time, when I look into his eyes that are filled with anger, I finally see the other emotions. The sadness. His frustration. And the fear. He’s confused and angry with me, rightfully so, but he’s also scared. I just wish I knew about what.
I made a mistake, and chances are, I’ll never be able to make it right.
“There is nothing you can say that will justify this.” He clenches his jaw against the words, the veins in his jugular protruding against his tan skin. End rakes a frustrated hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. He looks like a feral, caged animal that is unable to handle his emotions. “What the fuck did you think my reaction was going to be? Did you think I wouldn’t find out? I’ve missed six fucking years of her life. Six years!”
My eyes slam shut as I work to keep the tears at bay, but it’s futile. “I’m sorry, Endymion. There’s so much you don’t understand…so much—”
“The only thing I don’t understand is what kind of cold-hearted person could do this,” he grits out coldly, taking another step forward. My back is flat against the front door. I sink into the wood, sagging against it to hold me upright. I wish it would swallow me whole. I feel the anger radiating off Endymion. He hovers just mere inches from me, his scent infiltrating my senses, making it hard for me to think clearly. “Just tell me why. Make me understand what was going through your head when you decided to run off to Pasadena and have my baby without telling me.”
His tone gets my back up. He knows he’s bullying me. He knows just how guilty I’m feeling, and he wants to tear me down. Fire burns through my veins, and I narrow my gaze, holding on to this sudden burst of anger.
“You were drunk, Endymion!” I snap. “You were so drunk you don’t remember taking my virginity. That next morning, I came to you so we could talk, and you ran off with Holly. I didn’t know, okay? I didn’t find out until much later, and by then, it’d been months since that night. I didn’t know how to explain what happened. I didn’t know how Holly would take the news. The idea of her boyfriend getting someone else pregnant while you two were together. I was confused and scared!”
“We weren’t even together!” he shouts back.
“How was I supposed to know that? I didn’t care about those facts. All I wanted was to get the hell away from you and this town after that night. When I found out I was pregnant, I was already four months along. I couldn’t even believe it. And I wanted to reach out and tell you, but the first time I called my dad to break the news, our relationship fell apart, and I no longer had any connections out here, except Julia, and when I asked about you, you were gone. I had no way to tell you.”
“You could’ve found out where I was if you’d asked my parents.”
“I didn’t think about any of that! I didn’t know how you’d take the news. I didn’t know if you knew about my crush, and I worried you’d think
I was insane. I worried about what everyone was going to say and think once they found out the truth.”
“So, all that was more important to you than telling me about that night? Telling me about the pregnancy?”
“At the time, yes. It made sense in my head. I rationalized it. But over the years, that changed. Especially now.”
“You know what you are?” he asks, looking down at me with a look of utter contempt. “You’re selfish. You’re exactly what I thought you were, a fucking child. You let your own pride get in the way of me meeting my daughter.”
Pain slices through my chest. My ears are full of static. I open my mouth, stuttering out words, trying to refute the claim, but it’s true. I was being selfish when I made those decisions. “I-I…”
“You what? Is this the part where you lie, and you tell me you tried to tell me?”
I never wanted it to come to this. I never wanted it to get to such an ugly place where he’s this angry with me. I place a trembling hand over my lips, trying to hold in the sob. I hate myself at this moment because he’s right. As much as I hate to admit it, I did act like a child. Luna has lost years with her father because of me. All those times she’s asked about him, I should’ve told her the truth. I should’ve tried to reach out to Endymion earlier, and maybe…maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as it is now.
“No,” I choke, swiping the tears under my eyes. “You’re right. I was childish. I was so hurt by…” I pause, keeping the words locked inside, not even going to bother repeating them out loud. He doesn’t need to know how deep my feelings went for him. That will only make me look more like a fool than I already do. “I shouldn’t have let that happen,” I say, pushing the words past my quivering lips. “I should’ve been the bigger person. I know I can’t make up for the years you lost, but she’s here now, and I promise you, I won’t get in the way of you being a father to her.”
“You’re right, you can’t. The only reason I came here today was to look you in the face when I tell you I’m hiring a lawyer. You’re not keeping her from me any longer.”
My blood runs cold at the admission, fear wrapping around my heart with a deadly grip.
“Wait. Endymion,” I choke, clutching onto his arm as he turns away. He shakes my hold off him, and the look he pins me with me chills me to the bone. I let go of him immediately. There’s no heat in his gaze. Not like there has been the last week or so that he’s been courting me. No, instead, it’s just ice. It feels like dry ice against my skin, burning in a different, more painful way. Almost as if the glare alone is abrading my skin.
My heart withers, and pain laces through my chest as I force the words past my lips. “I wasn’t going to keep her from you. Please, let’s talk about this.”
“We both know that’s a fucking lie, Selene. Just like everything else that comes out of your mouth.” The way he says my name, with so much venom lacing his tone, it slides its way inside my blood and burns. I can’t seem to catch my breath. It’s too painful. Everything hurts.
“Are you planning to fight for custody?” The question barely makes it past the panic restricting my throat.
End spears me with a deathly glare. “If I have to, I will.”
He storms away from the house, and the first tear slips down my cheek. It’s slow in its descent, making a mockery of me and my affliction. I cast a quick glance around the yard and pause on one of his friends, Bishop. He’s staring at me, frozen in his spot, shock written all over his face. He must think I’m a monster. I’m sure in no time at all, everyone will. For a split second, I almost think I see empathy in his eyes, but he turns before I can get a better look.
Trying to pull myself together as best as I can, I turn and walk back into the house. My dad is there, pacing the oak floors. He comes right to me when he sees me, worry lingering in his gaze.
“You okay?”
I inhale a deep, rattling breath that makes the ice filling my chest ache even more. “No. He’s getting a lawyer. I-I don’t know what to do. Lord knows I deserve this after not telling him, but…I don’t know. I’m going to talk to Luna. I don’t know how quickly all this is going to happen, and I don’t want her to be blindsided.”
My dad nods slowly as he processes with a concerned expression painted on his face. “What do you need from me?”
“Maybe keep Mom busy? I need to be alone with Luna for a while.”
Dad pulls me in for a hug that threatens to crumble the hold I have on my emotions. I’m hanging on by a thread, and I know the minute I see my little girl, I’m going to fall apart because my biggest regret in all this is failing her.
I’m not surprised that when I push through the bedroom door, I can already hear her playing with her toys, her imagination running wild.
“Hey, Mommy,” she says, glancing up quickly before focusing back on the task at hand.
“Hi, baby. What are you doing?”
“Playing with the dolls Papa bought me. Nana said they’re going to buy me McDonald’s breakfast this morning, so we don’t have to cook.”
I grin down at her, taking the open place next to her on the bed. I pat the spot right next to me.
“Can I talk to you about something for a second? It’s really important.”
She huffs out a breath, drops her Barbies, and tosses herself into the spot right next to me. Mirroring my position, she turns to face me, setting her hands in her lap just like I’m doing. She looks so much like Endymion at this moment that it’s hard to ignore the burn in my chest. Anxiety slams into me, eating away at my confidence as I wring my hands together, trying to figure out a way to tell her.
“I thought maybe we could talk about your dad.”
Her eyes widen, and for what feels like the first time ever, I think my daughter is actually listening to me. Her usual sass is nowhere to be found, and instead, she’s staring up at me like she can’t wait to hear more.
“Your dad and I…well, we don’t live close. But now that we’re here with Papa, we live closer and—”
If it’s possible for her eyes to grow bigger, they do. “You mean, my daddy is here?”
My heart squeezes. “Yes. Do you remember Endymion?”
“Of course, I remember End!” I can see her brimming with excitement already.
“Well, End is…your father. Since we lived far away, and he lived here, it was hard to see him.”
Her little face scrunches in an adorable frown. “Why didn’t he come to see us? Like Papa does?”
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to keep my tears at bay. “He didn’t come to see you because he didn’t know about you.”
“Why didn’t he know about me?” Her smile slowly slips off her precious little face, and I’m panicking internally. She’s too young to understand any of this. I can’t tell my child that one drunken night her father got me pregnant and didn’t remember it.
“Because I…” My voice trails off as I try to gather myself. Pain has taken residence in my chest. It’s a living, breathing entity that is all-consuming. The very last thing I want is my daughter hating me for the decisions I’ve made, but being honest about her father is what she deserves. It’s what they both deserved from the start. Swallowing my pride and my fear, I force the words past my lips. “I never told him. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. And I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t tell him sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
She’s quiet as she looks up at me, her little eyes searching my face, watching me. Her little mouth tugs down in a semblance of a frown.
Does she hate me, too?
“Does that mean I’m gonna live with End now?”
My throat closes. I blink away the tears that are building, tamping down the tightness that’s squeezing my throat. “Well, maybe. Yes. That’s a very good possibility. But first, I think we should focus on you getting to know him better.”
“But what about you?” she asks quietly, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. “Where will you go?”
I smile sadly, blinking past the fresh wave of emotion burning the backs of my eyes. “I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere.” I take her little hand in mine and squeeze. “This just means you get double the love.”
She looks pensive as she glances down at the bed. “What if he doesn’t like me?”
“Hey, none of that,” I chide, scooting closer to her and pulling her onto my lap. “Endymion thinks you’re the funniest little lady around already. He’s going to love you. He already does.”
“But what if he doesn’t?”
“He will.”
She pulls back, raising a single brow at me with attitude. “But what if he doesn’t?” She enunciates each word as though I’m deaf, and she’s having to spell it out for me. All I can do is laugh because my sassy little girl is back.
“Then I’ll love you enough for both of us.”
Her smile is blinding. It fills my heart with so much love that I can barely stand it. “I love you, Mommy,” she whispers, nuzzling into my chest.
“I love you always, Luna Bella.”
I clutch my daughter to my chest, finally letting my tears fall.
After putting my sweet girl to bed, I make a quick detour and decide to see my best friend. I rap my knuckles on the front door. I think I have most of my emotions in check until Julia opens the door, wearing a warm smile on her face. My expression must give it all away because her smile falls, and without me needing to ask, she pulls me into her arms, clutching me against her body.
“What did that son of a bitch do?”
A sob rips from my chest. “It wasn’t him. It’s me.”
Heaving a sigh, Julia guides me inside her house, leading us into the kitchen. I take the seat across from her at the table, unable to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
“Ready to talk now, or should I bust out the chocolates and wine?”
“Chocolates and wine. Definitely.”
Once I have a significant amount of wine and chocolate in front of me, I figure it’s now or never. I just hope she doesn’t hate me for keeping the truth from her, too.
