by Cathy Glass
After a moment she raised her head and looked into my eyes, child-like and imploring. ‘What am I going to do, Cathy?’
I shook my head and held her close. I didn’t have any suggestions; I didn’t know how you prepared a mother for losing her baby.
We held each other for a while longer – in silent desperation – and then Jade moved away. Taking a tissue from the box, she blew her nose and wiped her eyes. ‘Ty will be here soon,’ she said. ‘He’s on the bus now.’
I smiled sadly. ‘Try to make the most of your time together,’ I said. ‘He’ll be feeling as bad as you, so don’t mention his mother’s decision unless he does. Just try and enjoy your time with Courtney. I’ll take more photographs and mount them in a special album for you.’ I stopped as a lump rose to my throat and my eyes filled.
Tyler arrived ten minutes later and Jade let him in. Having said a brief hello in the hall they came through to the sitting room, where the children and I were watching a DVD. Courtney was in her bouncing cradle, also ‘watching’ the television. Tyler said hi to us and then scooped up his daughter and sat with her on his lap, kissing and cuddling her, and telling her how beautiful she was, which he continued to do for most of the evening, while Jade sat next to him and watched. It was touching and upsetting to see, but it wasn’t until Adrian and Paula had gone to bed that Tyler spoke of the social services’ plans for his daughter.
‘Rachel visited me and Mum last night,’ he said. ‘She said we’ll be able to have contact with Courtney when she leaves here and goes to the “baby” foster carers. She said it will be supervised contact at a family centre, but we’ll be able to see Courtney right up until when she goes to her adoptive parents.’
I nodded. I realized Tyler was trying to be positive (just as Rachel must have been when she’d told him), but prolonging contact seemed to me an additional torture. What was the point in Tyler and Jade continuing to see their daughter and bond with her if in a few months she was going to be adopted, after which they would never see her again?
‘Mum says she’s sorry she can’t have Courtney,’ Tyler added, glancing at Jade. ‘She said to tell you she feels bad and she’s sorry things haven’t worked out, but she can’t bring up a baby and work full time.’
Jade didn’t say anything but I could see Tyler was hoping for her understanding. ‘Your mum mustn’t feel bad,’ I said. ‘Jade’s mum is in the same position.’ For everyone had assumed, correctly, that Jackie couldn’t look after Courtney, as she had enough to cope with bringing up her own family and working part time.
Tyler looked at me gratefully. ‘Rachel says there are hundreds of couples who will want to adopt Courtney,’ he said, trying to stay positive. ‘So Courtney will have a lovely home, and her new family will love her as much as we do.’
I felt so sorry for Tyler, who was making such a big effort to be positive and was clearly struggling to keep his emotions under control.
‘I don’t want to talk about it any more,’ Jade said quietly.
So we didn’t.
Tyler continued to cuddle Courtney and I changed the subject by asking him how his studying was going.
I thought we might see a lot of Tyler over the weekend, as it would be the last weekend the three of them would be together. But later, as Tyler stood to leave, he told Jade he planned to revise over the weekend, as his exams started the following week, but he’d phone her. I could see Jade was disappointed and was about to say something, but perhaps remembering my previous advice about supporting Tyler’s studies, she stopped. However, I did wonder how much of Tyler not seeing Jade and Courtney was studying and how much was Tyler’s way of coping; perhaps he was starting to distance himself from Courtney in preparation for their inevitable separation.
We had ignored Courtney’s usual routine that Friday evening and had kept her up so that Tyler could spend time with her, but once he’d gone – just before 10.00 p.m. – Jade said to me: ‘I’m so tired, Cathy, I have to go to bed. Can you see to Courtney?’
‘Yes, love,’ I agreed without hesitation. I doubted my helping Jade to parent Courtney now would make any difference to the outcome of Monday’s meeting.
So while Jade got ready for bed I changed Courtney, then waited up and gave her the late-night bottle. When I took her up to her cot Jade was in bed with her eyes closed, although I had the feeling she wasn’t asleep. I didn’t say anything to her, as I could understand why she didn’t want to talk, so having settled Courtney in her cot I crept out and closed the bedroom door.
The following morning I was woken by the sound of Courtney crying. I stayed in bed, expecting Jade to get up and give Courtney her bottle, which she had been doing straightaway recently. But when Courtney’s cries continued I threw on my dressing gown and went round to Jade’s room.
‘Jade, Courtney needs her bottle,’ I said, going to the cot and picking up Courtney to stop her from crying.’ It was 6.00 and a Saturday morning, and Adrian and Paula were still asleep.
There was no reply from Jade, so I went over to the bed and gently shook her shoulder. ‘Courtney needs feeding, love,’ I said.
‘You do it,’ she said groggily from beneath the duvet.
‘Why? Are you ill?’
‘No. I just don’t want to feed her.’
I hesitated, wondering if I should insist, but Courtney was fretting for her bottle, so I carried her downstairs to the kitchen, where I warmed the bottle, and then went through to the sitting room, where I fed her. She grinned and gurgled as she suckled, her clear blue eyes lighting up with pleasure. She was such a happy and contented baby and so easy to look after. I felt the emotion rise within me and knew I needed to start distancing myself too. She took the bottle of milk quickly and I returned upstairs to Jade’s room. Part of Courtney’s morning routine was that once Jade had fed and changed her she kept her amused until she gave her some solid food for breakfast at about 8.00 a.m.
Jade was still in bed when I went into her room, facing away and under the duvet. She made no attempt to get up as I entered. ‘I’ve fed her,’ I said. ‘Are you going to get up now and look after her?’
There was silence and I waited by the bed. Then Jade said: ‘I don’t want to look after her. I can’t bear it. She’s not my baby any more.’
I heard Jade’s rejection and understood what she meant. I sat on the bed, with Courtney on my lap, and placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder. I was thinking fast, trying to find the words to help.
‘Jade, love,’ I began gently, ‘Courtney will always be your daughter, even if she doesn’t live with you and is adopted. You and Tyler will always be her natural parents, and be part of her. No one can change that. She will grow up to look like both of you, and many of her characteristics will be yours and Tyler’s. I know it’s difficult now, love, I really do. I’ve fostered children before who’ve had to say goodbye to their parents. I’ve seen the pain and anguish of those parents, their suffering, when they have to say goodbye to their children. I know. But try to take some comfort, as they did, from knowing that Courtney will be loved and cherished. She will be well looked after and want for nothing.’ I stopped and swallowed hard. Jade didn’t move or say anything.
‘I don’t know what else to say,’ I said. ‘But I think you should get up now and look after Courtney. Lying here won’t help. You have the whole weekend with Courtney, so try and make the most of it.’ But my words sounded as flat to me as they must have done to Jade.
‘There’s no point,’ she said after a moment, from beneath the duvet. ‘I’m not going to see her grow up, she may as well go now.’
‘Courtney wants you to get up,’ I tried. She was reaching out and trying to grab hold of the top of the duvet and pull it from Jade’s head.
‘I don’t want her,’ Jade said, her voice breaking. ‘Take her away, please, and leave me alone. I’ve been up all night watching her sleep. I can’t take any more. Please do as I say, Cathy, please.’
Overwhelmed and fighting back my own tears,
I stood. ‘All right, love. I understand,’ I said quickly, and began towards the door. Courtney gave a little cry at leaving her mother. ‘Come down when you’re ready.’ I said. ‘Don’t stay up here all by yourself.’
Leaving Jade, I felt utterly wretched, upset and at a loss to know how to help her. I went into my bedroom, where I laid Courtney safely on my bed so that I could dress. I’d have a shower later when Courtney had her nap, but for now I needed to get the day started and continue as normal as far a possible for Adrian’s and Paula’s sakes.
Once I was dressed I gave Courtney her bath and then took her downstairs for her breakfast. Adrian and Paula joined me shortly before 9.00 and, expecting to see Jade, asked where she was. I said she wasn’t feeling well and that I was looking after Courtney until she felt better, which wasn’t so far from the truth.
Jade finally left her room when it was time for Courtney to go into her cot for her morning nap, not because she was feeling ‘better’ but because it was too painful for her to be in the same room as Courtney now that their days together were limited. Downstairs, Jade sat on the sofa and stared out of the open French windows to where Adrian and Paula were playing in the garden. I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling but she didn’t want to, so I tried to make light conversation just to break the silence – wasn’t it nice to see the sun, etc. – but she wasn’t interested in my chatter, and who could blame her?
Jade refused lunch, saying she wasn’t hungry, but made herself a sandwich in the afternoon while Courtney had her afternoon nap. Indeed the only time Jade was downstairs was when Courtney had her two naps; the rest of the time she was in her bedroom so that she didn’t have to see her daughter. I suggested to her we could all go to the park, as it was such a nice day, but she said: ‘You go if you want and take Courtney but I’ll stay here.’
I wasn’t going to leave Jade alone in the house when she was so clearly depressed, so Adrian and Paula continued to play in the garden while I looked after Courtney. I thought again it would have been better if Rachel had taken Courtney on Thursday rather than prolonging the agony until Tuesday. Jade didn’t want any dinner and when I took Courtney up to settle her for the night she asked me if I could put the cot in my room, as she couldn’t bear to spend another night watching her.
‘If it will help,’ I agreed sadly and very worried.
Jade nodded glumly. ‘Yes please.’
I called to Adrian and Paula to help me, explaining that Jade still wasn’t feeling very well so Courtney was sleeping in my room for now. Paula sat on the bed with Jade and looked after Courtney while Adrian helped upend the cot so that we could manoeuvre it through the doorway. We carried it round the landing and into my room, where we set it beside my bed, I made up the cot with the sheet and blanket and returned to Jade’s room to collect Courtney.
‘I hope Jade feels better tomorrow,’ Paula said to me as we settled Courtney in her cot.
‘So do I,’ I agreed, although I couldn’t see how she would.
That night Courtney was very restless, probably because she was in an unfamiliar room, and I had to resettle her every couple of hours. She had been sleeping through the night. The following morning she slept later, until 7.00, when I gave her a bottle and then returned her to her cot while I showered and dressed. I checked on Jade. She was awake but didn’t want to get up and help. When it was nearly time for Courtney’s breakfast I went into Jade’s room again and asked her if she wanted to give Courtney her breakfast, but she didn’t; so I began a second day of being totally responsible for Courtney’s care.
When Adrian and Paula came down to breakfast Paula asked: ‘Is Jade still ill?’
‘I’m afraid so,’ I said.
‘What’s the matter with her?’ Adrian asked.
I felt like saying a broken heart, but instead I said ‘upset stomach’, to which they could both relate, although I suspected Adrian knew there was more to it than that.
Sunday followed a similar pattern to Saturday, with Jade staying in her room for most of the day to avoid seeing Courtney, which she would have found too upsetting. I appreciated it was Jade’s way of coping and trying to loosen the bond between her and her daughter in preparation for her going on Tuesday, and part of me felt that was no bad thing. I had begun to imagine a dreadful, dreadful scene in which Rachel had to forcibly prise Courtney out of Jade’s arms, which I knew did happen sometimes when a baby was removed from its mother. I tried to imagine how I would cope in Jade’s situation but it was impossible – some things are just too awful to picture.
On Sunday afternoon I suggested to Jade, as I had done the day before, that we all go out for a while, but Jade didn’t want to, so as the weather was fine Adrian and Paula played in the garden again. Also, in the afternoon my neighbour’s two children, who were a similar age to Adrian and Paula, came in and they all played together and had fun, so I didn’t feel quite so bad that I hadn’t taken Adrian and Paula out during the weekend as I usually did.
That evening I telephoned my parents – we often spoke on a Sunday if we hadn’t seen each other during the weekend. As part of our conversation Mum naturally asked how Jade and Courtney were doing and I had to say: ‘Not very good.’
Mum knew that confidentiality forbade me from telling her the details, so she didn’t ask any questions. ‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. Give Jade our love, dear.’
‘I will.’
Adrian and Paula spoke to their nana and grandpa, after which I began their bath and bedtime routine, ready for school on Monday, and I was never so relieved that a weekend was finally drawing to a close.
Courtney was restless again on Sunday night and I repeatedly had to settle her. When she woke for her early-morning bottle I didn’t wake Jade, for I assumed she would still find it too painful to look after Courtney, so I took her straight downstairs to the kitchen, where I warmed a bottle, and then fed her in the sitting room. When she’d finished I returned upstairs and laid her in the cot while I showered; then I woke Adrian and Paula and our schoolday routine began.
When it was nearly time for me to leave the house to take Paula to school I knocked on Jade’s bedroom door and, going in, asked her if she could look after Courtney while I went to school.
‘Can you take her with you?’ she said from beneath the duvet.
‘Yes, I can. If you want me to.’
‘I do.’
‘I’ll see you in half an hour, then,’ I said. I came out and closed her bedroom door.
Paula was excited that we were taking Courtney to school with us. We walked and she helped me push the pram. When we arrived in the playground she proudly showed off ‘our baby’ to her friends. A few parents looked at me oddly, although most knew I fostered so were used to seeing me appear in the playground with a new addition to my family. I waited until the bell rang for the start of school and then I kissed Paula goodbye and pushed the pram home again. I was grateful for the exercise, having been at home all weekend.
Jade was still in bed when I arrived home and despite my encouraging her to get up she stayed there until mid-morning. Only when I’d put Courtney in her cot in my bedroom for her morning nap did Jade get up. She came downstairs in her nightwear, made herself some toast and then took it into the sitting room, where she switched on the television. I don’t normally watch daytime television but I didn’t say anything; I was relieved she was downstairs and not shut in her room. However, an hour later when Courtney woke from her morning nap Jade returned to her room, only coming down again (still in her nightwear) when Courtney had her afternoon nap. Later I asked Jade if she would like to come with me when I collected Paula from school, but predictably she didn’t want to. I could understand why Jade couldn’t bear to see her daughter and I was very worried.
‘Is Jade still unwell?’ Paula asked when I arrived in the playground pushing the pram.
‘Yes,’ I said.
Paula helped me push the pram home and then kept Courtney amused in he
r bouncing cradle while I made dinner. I took Jade’s dinner up to her room on a tray, as I knew she wouldn’t come down while Courtney was there. She thanked me but hardly ate anything and I took the tray away. Jade didn’t wash or dress at all that day and had managed to completely avoid seeing her daughter, although she must have heard her sometimes. Before I went to bed I went to Jade’s room and asked her if she wanted anything, but she didn’t. She looked dreadful, as though she had given up on life, and I tried again to talk to her about her feelings, but she shook her head and waved me away, close to tears. Very worried but aware there was nothing I could say or do to help Jade, I said goodnight and came out, dreading how she would cope with tomorrow.
The professionals meeting had taken place during the day – I didn’t know at what time – and I wasn’t surprised that neither Jill nor Rachel had telephoned us with news of the outcome. It is considered good practice (rightly so) that when an upsetting decision of this nature is made the parent should be told in person by the social worker and not over the phone or by a third party. In Jade’s case, therefore, no news was not good news – just the opposite, in fact.
Courtney was restless again during Monday night but I was awake anyway. I lay in the dark staring at the ceiling, worrying about the following day. I knew I had to be strong for Jade, who would probably be hysterical when Rachel carried Courtney from the house, but I doubted how strong I could be. I was grateful that Rachel was coming at 10.00 a.m. when Adrian and Paula were at school so that they wouldn’t have to witness Jade and Courtney’s agonizing parting.
I worried too how little Courtney would cope with all the changes, for by tomorrow night she would have lost everything that was familiar to her and be with new carers in a strange house. How can you explain that to a five-month-old baby?
