by L. T. Varner
I hoped they would hurry up so I could get to the bar to open it for the night. The doctor and nurse finally walked in with a few tools I had never seen before.
“Danni, how have you been feeling lately?” Dr. Arthur asked as he shook my hand.
Nervously I said, “A little tired, but otherwise okay I guess.”
As he listened to my lungs, he said, “You should be tired. You seem very busy at the bar these days.”
I lay back and put my feet in the awful stirrups with the nurse’s help. I hated this part the most. Next, he examined my breasts. I practically jumped off the table and groaned, “Ouch.”
He asked, “Is that tender?”
“What do you think?” I fired back as I rubbed my boob.
He asked me to sit up for a moment and then helped make me comfortable before he sat down on a stool.
“You’re making me nervous,” I said, looking between him and the nurse.
He quit writing something down, set my chart on the counter, looked at me and said, “Nothing to be nervous about. Just the opposite in fact.” I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face. “You’re pregnant. Congratulations.”
It was like someone had just told me the worst, most cruel joke I had ever heard. Everything stood still as I just stared at him dumbfounded. No, no, not me. This has to be a joke.
“I think you’re wrong,” I said as I felt like I was swaying back and forth when the nurse stepped to my side and held me still.
He said, “No, but if you want, we could do another test to confirm it for you.”
I gladly took another test, waiting for it to be wrong. He showed me the stick this time, and it was definitely positive. I burst into tears.
The doctor said, “I take it this was not expected.”
“Not in my lifetime,” I mumbled before blowing my nose.
I tried to wrap my head around this as he finished his exam and ultrasound and explained that I was seven weeks along. I did the math in my head and knew that was the weekend of the benefit and the birthday party in Seattle. God, what have I done?
The doctor asked, “Would you like a picture to give to Dad to surprise him?”
I sat up and grumbled, “No. I am pretty sure he will never know.”
The mood in the exam room changed from congratulatory to somber as the doctor explained that I had options. After I had got dressed, I left the brochures explaining those options on the chair. I knew that was something I could never do. I scheduled my next appointment in a month and wondered what the hell I was going to do now. If there was anybody who could royally fuck up any situation, it was me. I was the Master of fuckups!
Later that night I was probably the worst bartender ever. Everyone kept getting mad at me as I served the wrong things, mixed the wrong drinks, and dropped stuff. I felt like I was watching a movie with everyone around me moving fast as I was stuck in slow motion.
I finally got home and went to the studio, my place of solitude. I just sat there wrapping my head around the idea of a baby. None of the mommy things ever appealed to me, but now suddenly, they did.
I started writing about how love leaves you and comes back to you in other ways. All these lyrics just flowed out of me. I could even hear the music in my head as I wrote and wrote.
At dawn the next morning, after taking a break from the studio, I sat on the front steps of my schoolhouse drinking coffee. I watched the sun come up and I thought to myself, everything is going to change. Maybe this is what the plan for me was from the very beginning.
That afternoon in the studio, I had my headphones on, trying to get the words right with the music when someone shut the lights off briefly. That was Dad’s way of getting my attention, so he didn’t scare me. I looked up and smiled at him as he came in and sat down by me.
“What are you doing, baby girl?” he asked, picking up one of my notepads.
I launched into all of it. I explained song after song and why I thought it was important to express the different sides of it all. He flipped through my full notepads with a million different ideas and he said, “Okay, how about we do this together, and you and I get back to work? We have many artists requesting new music.”
“Dad, before we start, I have something to tell you. And for once you are the first to know,” I said, smiling at him and practically bouncing off my chair.
He turned toward me, and I finally saw the look of pride on his face that I hadn’t seen in a long time. “Spit it out then.”
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” I said and watched him completely melt from the inside.
It felt like forever as he just sat there and stared at me when I noticed his eyes watering. It was the first time in my life I saw him this thrilled with something I had done, in a good way. He stood up and pulled me into his chest as he hugged me.
“Really? I am going to be a grandpa?” he asked, pulling back and looking at me.
I laughed and nodded before burying my face in his chest, and he said, “Wow, you have made me the happiest person in the world.”
After a few moments and us wiping away tears, we got to work. I had never seen him that excited with emotions, and it made me smile, knowing he must be who gave me my ability to bury my feelings.
I decided to take a day off because Mike and Mark would be home that day. I couldn’t wait to tell Mike the big news.
As I sat in the gym with a pint of strawberry ice cream, I thought about Daniel. I missed him so much. I didn’t answer any of his calls, texts, or emails. I had to let go, but the look on his face when he had left reminded me that he would understand. Collin popped in my mind, how he had called me “someone else’s damages.” That still hurt tremendously. I didn’t have the strength to have my heart broken again, so I couldn’t bear the thought of telling him about the baby.
I heard Mike calling my name, and I had to smile thinking. Finally, he is home. I yelled back that I was in the gym, and he came running down the hall.
After hugging each other and grinning like kids, we sat back down.
“You okay, Danni? You seem different,” Mike asked as he noticed my ice cream.
“Mike, I have been dying to talk to you. So many things have changed, and I am scared,” I said, clasping his hand in mine.
He looked up and asked, “Where’s the scoreboard?”
I laughed, looking at the spot on the wall where it had been and said, “I burned it.”
He gave me a look of confusion and through my tears I told him everything that had happened.
“That is why I got home to dozens of messages from Daniel,” he said, putting his arm around me.
“I couldn’t take the heartache anymore, so I had to let both of them go.”
“Yes, I think that’s for the best. Billy caught me before I came over and pretty much said he would kill Collin if he sees him here ever again,” Mike said, trying not to laugh.
He grabbed my ice cream and asked, “Why are you eating this crap? You know it’s not good for you.” He threw it in the trash as I stood up.
“I have something else to tell you, Mike,” I said as he looked at me with complete confusion on his face.
“Okay . . . what?” he asked cautiously.
I grabbed his hand and placed it on my stomach. He looked at his hand as it all sank in. Then he looked into my eyes and gasped as a huge smile grew across his face. I nodded to confirm his suspicions.
“Are you serious?” he asked with tears forming in his eyes.
“Yes, Mike, we are having a baby,” I said, grinning like an idiot.
He grabbed me, and we both started jumping up and down when my dad said, “You told him.”
Next, Mike went and hugged him and called him “Grandpa.”
For being such a screwed up mess, it sure was a beautiful mess.
g books on Archive.
