The Endless Trials of Tabitha Baird

by Arabella Weir

  If you think about it ‘whatevs’ is just like the most brilliant word ever invented because no grown-up ever says it, but whenever kids use it, it always, always, always drives adults round the bend. Major result. Cos with ‘whatevs’ you’re really saying ‘I could not care less about what you’re saying’, but you’re not actually being openly rude – you’re just saying ‘whatever’. Oh man, I love ‘whatevs’ and I’m going to use it forever.

  Luke and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking the same thing – who does he think he is? And then there was a bit of a silence after that. I didn’t care. It wasn’t my fault Dumbledore Chops had made it all eggy by sticking up for Mum, as if she needs someone to do that. I’m not a monster. She’s not frightened of me or anything. It was just a prank. It’s not like I actually drank Luke’s wee or anything truly extra like that.

  And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Mum gave Dumbledore Chops a really big smile and said, ‘Thank you for coming to my defence.’

  Defence?! DEFENCE?! Oh please, like I’m an axe murderer or something. Or she’s a fairy princess and I’m a man-eating bear! Oh my god, why doesn’t she just marry him if she thinks he’s so amazing?!

  And then Dumbledore Chops, obviously all puffed up by Mum thanking him, sticks his nose in it again and replies, ‘Well, I aim to please …’ And then, smiling at Luke, says straight to him, ‘So, why don’t you aim too, please?’ Everyone except me, but including Luke, the traitor, immediately burst out laughing.

  Gran and Mum thought this was just brilliantly hilarious. I do not know why. It was totes lame and not that funny at all. Mum smiled at him and said it was ‘a great play on words’. It was completely crazy. Everyone was acting like he’d put out a fire or done something difficult. He’d only made a pathetic joke. He hadn’t saved us all from a hungry lion! ‘To’ and ‘too’ sound exactly the same always, so unless you say them in a stupid special ‘notice how different I’m making these words sound’ way, like Dumbledore Chops did, it’s not exactly a brilliant discovery. It’s not like it’s some major talent or something. God, everyone was acting like he’d told the best joke in the whole wide world ever. It was totes ridiculous. Actually they were all just embarrassing themselves behaving like that. I didn’t even care really.

  (I’m going to write LATER when it’s the same day but it’s later on. I saw it in a book, which was really someone’s diary made into a book. LATER is much cooler than putting the time or ‘The Same Day’ or something lame and obvious like that, isn’t it?)

  Right before I was about to go to sleep Luke knocked on my door (good that he now knocks, took him ages to learn to do that). ‘Just wanted to say that was quite funny with the pretend wee in the bottle and everything.’

  I didn’t think that was why he’d come in really, so I just replied, ‘No biggie.’

  And then he said, ‘Do you think that man likes Mum … you know, likes-likes her?’

  Oh god, that was exactly what I’d been worrying about before he’d come in. I sort of blurted out everything I’d been thinking. ‘Dunno, he’s a bit old for all that sort of thing. He’s so old he’s practically dead. Anyway, Mum couldn’t like him back.’

  Luke just stood there and nodded. Like he didn’t know what to think but that he wasn’t convinced.

  I felt confused. I didn’t want to be thinking about all this again. I’d just got all those horrible yucky thoughts out of my head. ‘Anyway, forget about it. Mum and Dad aren’t even divorced … so, you know …’

  And then neither of us said anything for a bit and then Luke said, ‘Yeah, well, cool wee. Hah, hah. Night,’ and then left. It was good he’d thought the wee prank was funny. If he’d freaked out for real then Mum would have completely lost it with me.

  I’ve never said the word ‘divorce’ about Mum and Dad before tonight. I’ve thought it but never actually said it out loud. I mean, I’m not a moron. Obvs I’ve wondered if they were going to get divorced, but, you know, I’ve also sort of wondered sometimes if they’ll get back together. They could, couldn’t they? If Dad stopped drinking and got a job and stopped living with his mum and getting her to do everything for him they could get back together, couldn’t they? Things like that do happen. Hmm, don’t want to think about this. It’s making me sad.

  Whatever happens I do not want Dumbledore Chops hanging around all the time. That is for definite.

  Listen to this – we’re going on a school trip to France for the day! How exciting is that!? The whole of Year Nine is going, Miss said. We’re going the week before the October half-term. That’s only three weeks away. I can’t wait! Actually it wasn’t a Miss, as in an actual teacher, it was that other Miss, the one who took me to A&E last term when I pretended to have had my finger amputated – her, the learning mentor, or as I called her back then an ‘unofficial-police-officer-but-with-no-real-powers’ and she’d laughed, which is how I knew she was all right. She is really nice, Ms Cantor, or Eva as she told me to call her. ‘Just not when the head’s around,’ she’d whispered, smiling and giving us a wink.

  Hah, that is so extra, isn’t it? A member of staff actually telling you to do something but to keep it secret from the head teacher!? Random and cool or what, eh?

  So, after school Emz, A’isha, Grace and I all decided we really needed to make lists of what we’d have to take to France. I know it’s only a day trip but still. Obvs we’re going to need loads of stuff, as well as the packed lunch Miss told us we’d need to bring. Me, Emz, A’isha and Grace were, like, all standing around outside school trying to decide where to go – no one had any money so we couldn’t go to a café or anywhere cool to hang out.

  Can’t wait until I’m older and I can afford to hang around all day in coffee bars tapping away on a laptop (I’m so totes always going to have the latest one, obvs), like practically all grown-ups do, apart from bus drivers. It’s like all coffee shops are filled with adults with no jobs who are in there all day long. Weird. I wonder what they all did before there were so many coffee shops. Must remember to put a really snazzy laptop on the top of my Christmas wish list this year. Got to have one.

  I was really worried one of my gang was going to suggest coming back to mine. I know I’m being a bit silly about that, because maybe, probably, we have been mates for long enough now for it not to matter how incredibly weird my family are, but I still can’t help being worried. Would they go off me if they suddenly heard Gran doing Basil’s voice, or saw Luke wearing that space creature’s outfit HE MADE HIMSELF OF HIS OWN FREE WILL (he’s always doing super-nerdy things like that), or Mum boasting about how her blog’s become a column, or Dumbledore Chops popping round and trying to get ‘down with the kids’? Oh god, see what I mean?

  The dangers are sooooo endless. I know they’ve all been to my house before but they didn’t actually witness any of the massive amount of horrors my bonkers family are capable of when they’re full-on. So it was a big relief when Grace suggested we all go to hers.

  We all said yes immediately, even though hers is the furthest away, partly because Grace’s mum always makes really nice biscuits – like every week. I have never seen a supermarket biscuit in that house. Grace’s mum is such a Proper Mum, even though she’s a lesbian, which obviously most mums aren’t, I don’t think. Still, what with the home-made biscuits and reading the same books as Grace, she is a totes Storybook-Proper-Mum.

  So, for our lists, we decided we each had to take a disposable camera to take hilarious pics on the coach there and back, and a packed lunch and snacks, but more than usual so we could all share (this is very good for me because everyone else’s food is always nicer than mine, even when Gran has sneaked in a treat for me without Mum seeing), a new notebook for making notes (durr) about France. (That last one wasn’t my idea, obvs. Everyone laughed when I said that although I would take one I probably wouldn’t be taking any notes and would just copy theirs later!) And then we couldn’t think of any more vital things to take, apart from wet wipes, but, you
know, there’s bound to be much more we’ll need. You can’t have a day trip abroad without taking loads of stuff, can you?!

  Grace’s mum came in just as we were all about to leave and when Grace told her about France and everything she looked at A’isha and said, ‘Oooh, you’d better make sure your teacher checks you can wear your hijab on the trip. France has banned all religious symbols and clothing. It’s been a few years now. You’ll probably be fine but I’d get them to check.

  We were all really surprised. That is so extra of the French, isn’t it? I don’t know how they think they can just say, ‘You can’t wear this and you can’t wear that.’ Random or what?

  After we’d left and were walking back, before we all went our different ways, A’isha suddenly said, ‘I couldn’t care less about my hijab. I don’t think it says anything about how religious I am or not, but I don’t like the idea of someone saying I can’t wear it if I actually want to.’

  Emz nodded and said, ‘Yeah, that’s not really fair, is it?’

  ‘And anyway,’ I joined in, ‘there are loads of girls in Year Nine who wear them and it’s not like they can say every single one of them can’t come into France.’

  But when I said that A’isha stopped dead and turned to me with a really serious look on her face. ‘There are eight of us max in the whole year who wear them, Tab, so not exactly loads out of what? about two hundred and ten kids.’

  I could tell immediately that she was in a bit of a strop with me. A’isha continued, ‘It might seem like loads to you but to me it’s like there are actually loads of kids not wearing them!’

  I didn’t know what to say. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I’d said anything. I suddenly felt like I’d insulted A’isha. I really, really hadn’t meant to. I was just trying to point out that if more than one or two girls wore them then whoever it is that is at the gate of France can’t exactly point them all out and say, ‘Oh, everybody wearing them isn’t allowed to come in!’

  I wanted to cry. But then sensible Emz who is, thank god, always the best at making things all right when things go weird, piped up: ‘If you didn’t grow up in a big city, like we did, A’isha, then you do probably notice things like that a bit more. We’re used to them, but I’ll bet no one wore them at your old school, Tab!’

  I laughed, a bit too much, I quickly realised, to make everything seem all right. I was so relieved she’d smoothed things over.

  But A’isha just said, ‘Hmm,’ and shrugged her shoulders in that way that we all know means ‘whatevs’. Oh man, ‘whatevs’ isn’t so great when one of your bezzies says it to you. And then when we all said goodbye, I could just tell A’isha was still in a mood with me. I didn’t want to leave it like that but she just walked off like she didn’t care.

  Oh god, I must make it up to her. I don’t care what she wears. I don’t care what anyone wears. I must make her realise that. I must, must, must make it up to her. I hate feeling like things are wobbly between us. It feels like it did when I first started at this school. A’isha was the first person to talk to me when I got to HAC and she was so friendly and nice. I’ll never forget that. And now she’s one of my absolute bezzies in the whole wide world and I’ve said something really stupid and upset her and I didn’t even know I was doing it. I’ve got to find a way to make sure she knows I don’t care about hijabs or anything like that.

  During first period, Ms Cantor came in to give us some more deets about the France trip. (Eva, really, but we obvs didn’t call her that in front of that class’s teacher, Mr Proctor, aka Mr Proper. He is SO strict.) Just before she left Emz put her hand up and asked if it was true about France and hijabs.

  And get this, Miss replied, ‘Oh yes, I meant to tell you, I’m afraid they don’t allow anyone in, pupils or teachers, if they are wearing any form of religious jewellery, headscarves, skull caps, etc. So that’s no crosses, including earring studs,’ (she was looking right at Dark Aly when she said that!) ‘no Star of David, no hijabs, etc. etc. Sorry about that but blame the French. C’est la vie! Hah, hah!’

  She said it like it was no big deal at all, like she was announcing we couldn’t bring gloves or something. And probably for most people it maybe isn’t that major a thing but at break it was obvious A’isha was really het up.

  She said, ‘My dad’s going to go berserk and actually even I think it’s way out of order, them telling me, or anyone, what we can and can’t wear on a day visit!’

  No one knew what to say and then I had a brilliant idea, and the best thing about it was that I realised that it was the perfect way of showing A’isha that I really, really don’t mind about her headscarf or notice it much on anyone and that I was definitely her best pal.

  ‘I’ve got a brilliant idea!’ I practically shouted out. Grace, Emz and A’isha all turned to look at me. ‘What about we all wear the hijab? Not just you, A’isha, us three too – me, Emz and Grace as well!?’

  They were all looking at me like I was round the bend. ‘We all wear them on the trip as an act of … of … erm …’ I was wracking my brain but I could not remember the word. ‘What’s the word that means everyone does the same thing to show the world that they’re all in it together?’

  ‘Solidarity?’ Grace said. (Of course she’d know the word.)

  ‘Yes! That’s it, solidarity! We ALL wear it to show that we’re behind A’isha and anyone else who wears a hijab and that even though we don’t wear them all the time we all disagree with the French ban,’ I carried on.

  I was talking a bit fast, I admit, but I was so excited. Everyone thought about it for a minute. At first I was worried they were all going to say it was a stupid idea. But then A’isha starting jumping about and said, ‘And then that way it’s not like a Muslim thing. It’s like a statement thing. Like we’re all saying we don’t agree with their rules!’

  ‘Like when there’s a strike, everyone does it, not just the people who’ve been sacked or had their hours cut or whatever they’re cross about,’ Emz said, obviously thinking about it properly.

  ‘Exactly!’ Grace piped up. ‘Like when the sixth-formers went on the teachers’ strike. But it’s the opposite of a strike, so instead of all refusing to do something, we’re all doing it – we all wear the hijab!’

  And then A’isha threw her arms round me and said, ‘That is a brilliant idea, Tab. You are a genius!’

  I wanted to cry I was so happy. I was so pleased and relieved I’d managed to think of something to make it all okay again with A’isha. And so pleased too that no one thought it was a ridiculous idea. I don’t know if A’isha really had gone off me or anything major like that, but I was thrilled I’d come up with the idea … and anyway, it actually is a great idea. Now, we just have to work out how to make it happen …

  Later on I told Gran about it and she was really impressed. ‘Tab, that is fantastic of you. How clever. That’s feminism at work in everyday action, right there. I am so proud of you.’

  I wasn’t sure she was exactly right about that. I thought feminism was more about getting the same pay as men and answering back when stupid builders shout out rude things at you from scaffolding and all that, but still, it was nice that Gran was so pleased with me.

  Of course, when he heard about it, pathetic Luke had something annoying to say. ‘It might be an act of feminine solidarity but the whole headscarf ban thing is widely considered to be all about male domination and anti-Islam, so, you know –’

  I cut him off right then and there, and told him to shut up and mind his own stupid business, which I decided was a perfect example of everyday female domination. Hah, hah!

  Hmm, so not sure about this new girl, Alexandra. (Do you know what? I am sooooo right to call her Dark Aly. That is the perfect nickname for her.) I think I might actually have a major problem on my hands with her. I don’t like it at all. I am really worried she’s going to try to take over from me with the whole being-cheeky-to-teachers-and-making-everyone-laugh thing I’ve had going on. It’ll be so unfair if
she does. I’ve only been at HAC for, like, a term and a half. I’ve worked really, really, really hard at being naughty and funny. God, I nearly got myself excluded I was so out there with my cheekiness last term and thanks to all of that I am now actually popular for the first time in my life. Okay, not popular in a gorgeous-and-everyone-wants-to-look-like-me-or-be-me-or-be-my-mate way, not like in an American TV show, but, you know, in my way, a sort of everyone-now-knows-who-I-am-and-they-don’t-hate-me-I-make-them-laugh way.

  And that’s definitely true with Emz, A’isha and Grace. I know it sounds a bit weird to be saying you’re popular because teachers don’t like you, but you know what I mean. I don’t want to lose my reputation as The Naughtiest Girl in Year Nine. I want that respect. I earned it. Anyway, whatever happens, I am not going to give it up without a fight, that is for sure.

  It’s not as if Dark Aly is even funny. She’s so not. She’s just really moody and speaks in that low growly I’m-so-goth way all the time. So, thinking about it, if Dark Aly carries on like this and doesn’t actually manage to make the class laugh then she’s not really going to beat me, is she?

  We had maths today with boring old Ms Drippy-Dry. God, she manages to make an already super-dull subject even more extra-especially-dull-with-extra-foam-on-top, as in DULLER.