by Leanne Davis
“It’s too embarrassing.”
I smile and hold his face. “That’s why you should tell your parents. Maybe someday, later on, you will want to tell me. But for now, it’s enough. However you had to survive after what happened to you is enough. Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to tell me the last few months?”
A soft smile touches his lips, and he bows his head as if conceding my starkly true point. “Yes. It is.”
“And now you realize why it’s so hard to believe. But both of us see clearly why the other should believe. Right? So, I think we both have to realize we didn’t do anything wrong. The violence we experienced is the perpetrators’ fault. Not ours. Whatever we do or don’t do about it or with it is on us, yes, but it neither diminishes the crime or condones it. Right?” He doesn’t answer. I add the clincher, “Unless you think I deserved to be strangled by my boyfriend.”
He sucks in breath. “Never.”
Of course, I expected that.
“Then…” Duh. He’s too sharp not to get my point. Even if he doesn’t want to.
“Then I have to believe the same.”
“Yeah. And if I had parents to tell what happened to me, everything would have been different for me years ago. They can help you get through it. I think you’re kind of insulting me if you don’t tell them.”
He shudders at my harsh words. But nods and pulls me back a few inches. His gaze roves over my face. “You aren’t that shocked by what happened to me.”
“I’m sorry it happened to you. I think it’s a huge deal and totally not your fault. But, yeah, I’ve witnessed things like that all my life.”
He suddenly pulls me and holds me. “You’ll never be part of it again.”
I pat his back. “Wyatt, violence can happen to anyone. Even you. You know that now. But it doesn’t mean you can’t deal with it. You don’t have to prosecute them, but you do have to find a way to live with it.”
“Like you’re doing.” His hand comes up gently and traces my jaw bone. His soft touch makes me smile, he’s so gentle.
“Yeah. Like I’m trying to do.”
I shift back and slide my feet onto the ground. I put a hand out to him as I stand there. He stares at me and takes my hand before letting me pull him back to his truck. We’re quiet now as we drive to his parents’ house.
Out of nowhere, he says, “Hans didn’t actually attack me. He was just there. I don’t know why he befriended you.”
Quietly I drive a few moments before I reply cautiously. I do not want to incite his anger or panic anymore. “I actually went up to him that first night and spoke to him. It took him a long while to warm up or start responding to me. From then on, he was always nice to me. He first expressed a desire to sleep with me but after I made it clear I wasn’t interested, he was content to be a friend.”
“You see why I freaked out when I knew?”
“Yes. Of course. I would have too if things were reversed. But still… I have to figure him out myself. Okay? I can’t let anyone control what I do or how I think or act. You know? I want to be stronger than that. Can you handle that?”
“I can’t handle seeing him. Or you with him. But I respect your choices. Just please make sure you’re careful. If he could stand there and watch his friends attack me, why not you? Only you—”
He doesn’t finish. But I know what he’s thinking.
I’m shaken to my core. No wonder Wyatt kept it to himself since last year. I had no idea he’d gone through anything like that. I see the guilt eating him up and I suppose he’s got a lot of work before he can overcome that. I know his parents could help him. He needs all of us, as I needed him.
Contrary to what he thinks, I still believe he’s brave and amazing to keep this to himself for so long. Despite those moments of anxiety attacks, on the whole, he kept functioning. Most people couldn’t. Without drugs or booze or negative life choices.
I pull into his parents’ house and stare at the place I’ve made my home. “I’m going to stay with Dani tonight. I think you guys need to figure this out. I’ll text Wesley and have him head over there, too, if he’s not already.”
He nods. His thoughts are far away. He gives me a weak smile, placing his hand on the door handle. “I—thank you.”
I lean over and kiss him. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you could talk to me.”
Chapter 15
JACEY
I pull into Dani’s apartment complex after taking a moment to text her before I show up. She’s waiting at the front door. She smiles and opens the door wider. “My dad’s gone, so it’s just us. Wesley said he’ll be here when he gets off work in an hour.” She catches my shoulder and hugs me as I approach her. I suddenly feel very glad for the comfort. It’s all new for me to have a girlfriend actually care what happens to me. A place to run to and call in times of need.
“What happened?”
“All those times you thought something was wrong with Wyatt last summer? There was. His extreme reaction to Wesley was caused by misplaced rage over what happened to him.”
Dani nods, her eyes rounding, but her tone is calm as she says, “I knew there was something. What?” She tugs my arm, and we sit on her couch together. I tell her the stilted version of Wyatt’s story. The part he said I could repeat.
“Oh, God. Oh, poor Wyatt.” She mutters, and immediately tears fill her eyes for him. “All this time…”
“He didn’t want you to know stuff like that could happen. Being from here, you never really saw it.”
“No. I didn’t. But I would have cared.”
She pulls me in for a hug, and we cling to each other. I muster the courage and ask, “Do you think if you’d known—”
“What? I would not have fallen in love with Wesley right in front of him? No. Jacey, that just happened. There was nothing I could do to change it. But Wyatt and I didn’t love each other that way. No, I would have been here. I would have cared and supported him and all that.”
“I’ve never done that for anyone before.”
“But you’re doing it now. I think you’ll continue to. Just be yourself. You’re the first person he told. Right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then take your courage from that fact, okay?”
I cling to her again. “I tried so hard today, but he freaked me out, and I wonder if I said the right things.”
“If you convinced him to go back home and tell his parents, then you did.”
She lets me go. “How about some ice cream?”
I feel a little guilty for my laugh, but I admit, “I was having ice cream with one of his attackers. That started all of this.”
Dani’s eyes widen with disbelief. “What?”
She gets up to serve us ice cream, and I start from the beginning about Hans. First I describe Wyatt’s odd reactions to him and how that was why I stayed quiet about my casual friendship with Hans. I make sure to highlight that part about my ordinary friendship with Hans Bleckley.
“Damn. That’s a lot to take in.”
“Try living it.” We both inappropriately start cracking up. We add some cookies to our ice cream and later, Dani brings out some wine. Which is not my thing, at least, never before now. But I discover I don’t hate it. What do I love? Laughing with Dani over something we shouldn’t be. It dissipates all the tension and uncertainty in me. Yet, I could not explain that to another man. I can’t believe the bond I have with a woman who slept with my current boyfriend. In years past, I’d be seeking snarky revenge on her just for being a rival. Instead, we are eating, drinking and cozy on the couch, bonding over Wyatt’s limited faults. Since there are so few, it’s kinda fun to harp on them. But only the small things, his funny quirks. Nothing regarding the anxiety that ruined his last year.
Wesley walks in and finds us both tipsy. He smiles in amusement as he sits beside Dani with his arm around her. His expression is pure love as he gazes down at her. She’s giggling and woozy, and he’s charmed by her drunkenness. He kisses her mo
uth a few times and laughs at her sillier statements. I love being with these two.
“So, what’s going on with Wyatt?” Wesley asks me. He keeps his gaze on me. I tell him the story again although it doesn’t get easier.
“Ah, fuck. I guess that all makes sense. Then I show up at his house when he just wanted to be left alone so he could try to forget it. No wonder the stress at home got to him and he viewed me as a vulture back then. Surprised he didn’t try to kick my ass, but he didn’t ever go that far.”
“He’s not really like that.” Dani and I reply at the same moment. We glance at each other and crack up in a peal of giggles. A few glasses of wine can do that, I learn.
Wesley rolls his eyes. “Glad you’re past the whole ex thing.”
There’s a knock on Dani’s door. Wesley worms his way out from under her and answers it. Wyatt is standing there. My heart leaps. Sure, the alcohol does that, but it’s only been a few hours, and I feel so relieved to see him. I jump to my feet and sway a bit as he enters. After Wesley taps his shoulder with an affectionate shove, Wyatt takes his coat off. He comes directly over to me, and I hug him tightly for a moment, as the rest of the world disappears. He leans back, and I touch his face. He glances around and doesn’t miss the sympathetic expressions on Dani and Wesley’s faces.
“How’d it go?”
“You were right. They were shocked and hurt but only for me and what I need. I told them I don’t think I can handle this becoming public knowledge. Even my dad struggled with it. He naturally wanted to fix it. Took a while but he realized he can’t. In telling him, it hammered home how important it is for me to figure it out. Not them. But telling them relieved me.”
Wesley knocks a fist into his opposite hand. “Or we could go find the skinny-assed pricks…” He flexes his arms. It’s inappropriate and unhelpful, but it manages to make Wyatt smile. His smile releases something uncomfortable inside me.
He nods at Wesley. “Thanks, man.” He glances at Dani. They exchange a look. It could intimidate me. I’m not as smart as Dani or as accomplished. Their connection goes back decades. But I appreciate Wyatt having a relationship with his ex like this. Plus, he told me his trauma, not Dani. I find renewed courage and faith in us from that, which is new for me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I just wasn’t ready last summer.”
She nods. “It’s okay, Wyatt. I’m glad you found the words to explain now.”
His smile is tight as he shakes his head. “Damn. You got any more of that wine to help me with this?”
Dani lets out a laugh and quickly gets him some. “And some ice cream, too. Can I sell you on that?”
“Yep.” We all sit there in her living room, drinking more wine and eating ice cream and snacks. We laugh until our stomachs hurt. It’s the opposite of how the evening started. We stay up long into the night.
With the lights turned low, and all of us pretty drunk at this point, Wyatt asks Wesley, “You’re really going to join up?”
“I already did. Last week.” Wesley answers. “I leave after the new year.”
Wyatt whistles through his teeth. “Damn. And Dani? You’re okay with that?”
She’s curled up beside Wesley, her arm tucked in his, her head on his shoulder. She glances up at him when Wesley gazes down at her with adoration in his eyes. “Yes.” She looks at Wyatt again. “You know me. I’m pretty patient. Got my own stuff to complete, so I can wait. I’m confident in us, and I know we’ll make it work.”
Wyatt lifts his glass. All three of us copy him, preparing to toast our glasses. “If anyone can make it a success, it’s Dani Dawson. Damn. Here’s to you then.”
We clink our glasses. Dani and Wesley share a long, slow kiss. We stare at each other and smile. Sometimes a smile is the most intimate thing in the world.
Thank you, Wyatt mouths to me. I feel the words and see his sincerity, his gratitude, and the warmth in his eyes, all for me, and I can feel it all the way down to my toes.
Somehow, now that the poison has been purged, I think we’ll be okay. Wyatt and I… Wesley and Dani… such an odd foursome of friends. But I feel closer to them than anyone has ever been to me. Tears fill my eyes. Wyatt notices, and he pulls me in. But Dani notices it, too, and she crawls across the space to hug me as Wesley also moves to hug her. It becomes a funny, odd sandwich of close friends and older friends, now lovers. We all lose our footing and fall apart, but everyone just starts laughing harder.
When Dani’s dad walks in after work, he rolls his eyes at our laughing, drunken asses. We are all still totally clothed of course, and he says, “Good night, kids.”
For the first time in my life, I feel like a goddamn, happy, wanted, normal “kid.”
Hans opens the door when I knock on it. His expression is contrite. He is sorry. Ashamed.
“What the fuck? You some racist prick? What were you doing with me?”
Hans Bleckley pulls the door shut behind him and steps closer to me. I take a step back and put my arm out as a warning. He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I won’t ever hurt you.”
“But you tried to hurt Wyatt. Right? You kicked and punched and pushed him down. You did that, right?”
He walks to the railing of the walkway. His apartment is on the second floor, the same as Wyatt’s. He shakes his head vigorously back and forth. “I didn’t. They did. They were… awful. I didn’t know they were planning to hurt him. We were going out for a freaking beer run. That was it. Then they saw him. Someone yelled that Corey lost his chance, and now Kincaid would get all the glory and it wasn’t right after all the years Corey put in. It meant nothing to me. Fuck. I swear.” He runs both hands through his blond strands. They stand up. “I’m sorry. From the moment they started it, I was sorry. I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I didn’t know they’d push him down and kick him and even though he tried to fight, the four of them ganged up on him. It was horrifying. I… oh, fuck. He should turn us in. I stood there, mute. I didn’t tell them to stop or call the police or do anything. I let them hurt him. Then I stumbled home and tried to pretend it never happened. I’m so ashamed. Horrified and sick.”
“Why the fuck would you befriend me? Just to hurt Wyatt some more?”
“No. I never planned anything like that. You started talking to me that night. I tried to ignore you, but you were so friendly. Then I wanted to try and make it up to him. But I didn’t know how. You were so nice. I really liked you.” His head shakes vigorously. “I’m not a racist.”
“So by befriending me you now think you’re not a racist? Am I your token black friend? Fuck you, Hans. You were part of a hate crime. If Wyatt decided to turn in your asses, you’d be in jail for years and guess what? You’d deserve it.”
He rubs his hands together. “I know. Sometimes I wish he would get it over with. I swear I’ll substantiate his story. Then it might be over. Then I wouldn’t be conspiring with them to keep it a secret.”
“You’d deserve that. But Wyatt doesn’t. So if he ever tells, you better back him up. If he stays quiet, you just have to live with your guilt. But no matter what, we are done.”
He nods. “I know. For what it’s worth, you’re a great person. I really do care about you.” He hangs his head, and his shoulders are slouched. I hesitate for a split second. He seems sincerely sorry. But he can’t receive my forgiveness or my blessing or my friendship. I can’t condone his silence. For me, his silence is just as bad as those who committed the crimes. He knew better. His gut told him it was wrong, and he was too cowardly to do anything. I think he will miss me as a friend. It’s both strange and confusing.
Like most people, he’s not all bad and not all good but somewhere in between. However, his mistake had grave consequences for someone I love, and I can’t let that go.
“Why don’t you try to be better, Hans? Learn from this. Never be silent again. Evil wins when good men are silent to wrongdoing and all that.”
He nods. Tears shimmer on his eyelids.
“Will you tell Wyatt that if he wants to turn us in, I’ll back him up?”
“I’ll tell him.”
I wonder if Hans really believes that or if he’s spouting off from his own pathetic guilt. I might never know, but I’ve decided what to do about him. Later, I tell Wyatt about our conversation. And that I was done seeing Hans. He nodded, taking in this information quietly and without comment. At least he had an apology. He didn’t have to accept it or believe it, but not many get remorse. And the comfort that I won’t see Hans anymore. But still, Wyatt doesn’t say either way if he’s ever going to do anything about what happened to him. In all honesty? I get either reaction and have no opinion what he should do.
I just support and care for him, as he does me. Not too long after we put the Hans issue to rest, my history comes back to bite us in the ass. I’m visiting him at school on this weekend of the playoffs. It’s a huge game today. He’s off at practice when I sit down and check my Facebook account. There’s a message. My heart clamps when I realize who it’s from. My mother.
She’s still alive. My heart lifts at this groundbreaking realization. Then it dips again because she’s still alive.
Why is she contacting me? With shaking fingers, I press on the message. I’m ready for anything at this point.
Chapter 16
WYATT
“What do you mean you let her go to her mom?” Wesley’s voice rises as I stare at him in confusion and wonder why he’s yelling at me.
“Let her? She was dead set on going. She told me about it. What should I have done? Tie her to the chair? Jacey’s been controlled by one too many boyfriends. I promised her I was different and I am. I refuse to control her. I won’t hurt her. I’ll just support her. And that includes when she tells me she has to find out what her mom wants.”
