by Krane, Kasey
“Twenty three years ago, to be exact. I'm 22.”
It was in that moment that Butcher seemed to actually take Leia seriously. I could see it on his face - he’d let her in to the clubhouse simply for entertainment’s sake, or maybe because he wanted to see me. I wouldn’t put it beneath Butcher to invite me in just so all the guys could jump me at once. I had kept an eye on all of the other men in the room, waiting for them to make a move. I may have actually been stripped of all of my weapons, even my gun in my boot, but that didn’t mean I would go down without a fight.
Except, it was starting to look like Butcher was starting to believe Leia, who had believed her mother without a doubt in her mind. She was the only one who was sure in this fucked up mess. Butcher’s entertainment for the afternoon was starting to turn into something real.
“Mom wrote about you in her diary. Did you know she was keeping a diary? I found it after she died. Did I tell you that she died? Sorry, I’m just so nervous. I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.” She was twisting her hands behind her back, her fingers intertwined and rolling around and around. I had the absurd impulse to take her hand in mine, to tell her it was all going to be okay. But she wouldn’t want that from me.
In fact, now that she had met Butcher, she probably didn’t need me anymore, right? She had wanted to meet her dad, and she'd met her dad and now she didn't need me to protect her any longer. Granted, knowing Butcher like I did, I doubted he would even give a shit about keeping her safe.
I felt myself break out in a cold sweat at the thought. I couldn’t leave innocent Leia in the hands of Butcher, no matter how much she seemed to think that he was about to become a sweet and cuddly father figure. It was like watching a baby lamb cuddle up next to a lion. It just didn’t seem like a good plan, no matter how much the lamb thought it was.
“Can't say I’ve been waiting to meet you, since I didn’t know you existed.” Butcher kept staring at her, his eyes running up and down her body, but instead of being creeped out by this man eyeballing her; Leia seemed to be doing the same thing to Butcher. I, on the other hand, felt a damn strong desire to wedge myself between them and keep Butcher’s eyes off Leia’s curves. It just wasn’t right.
Keeping an eye and ear on the conversation, I wandered around the clubhouse a little, as far as I thought I could get away with without setting off any alarms. Butcher began asking questions as a test of Leia’s knowledge, and she seemed to be passing every one of them. I would admit, even if only to myself, that I had had my doubts that Butcher could possibly father someone like Leia, but I was starting to realize that just maybe it was true.
Goddamn, wasn’t that a mindblower.
I couldn’t see that the Outlaws had gotten much set up in the way of a clubhouse, but hell, they’d just formed a couple of weeks ago. I saw some crates over in the corner and wondered if they contained illegal guns or drugs or all of the above. Bishop had asked me to keep my eyes peeled for anything illegal that the police could use to break up the club, but I was pretty damn sure that Butcher had used the time while Leia and I had been patted down outside, to hide anything he didn’t want me to see. Butcher was no dumbass.
Jackass yes, dumbass no.
I wandered back as Leia and Butcher were saying their goodbyes, and she even leaned forward and gave him a quick hug. I felt the irrational desire to slug Butcher for daring to accept Leia’s hug, even if he’d been stiff as a board when it happened. I just really didn't like the idea of Butcher touching Leia, even if it was Leia’s idea. Didn’t she know any better? Didn’t her mama teach her any better?
Oh, that’s right; Janice had been in love with jackass Butcher. She wasn't exactly to be trusted on the male front.
We walked back out into the bright sunshine, Leia babbling happily.
“Did you hear him? He says I have my momma’s smile. I always thought I did. I wanted to ask him to take off his boots so we could compare toes, but then I decided to leave that until next time.”
I tried not to openly choke at the idea of Butcher stripping off his boots to compare toes with Leia. Somehow, the crusty old biker just didn't seem like the type to compare toe shapes with others. However, he seemed to be friendlier to Leia than I would’ve ever guessed he would be so hell, who the fuck knew. Maybe Leia would turn Butcher into a good guy. Stranger shit had happened, right…
I collected my knives and guns from Skinner and Dutch, glaring at them and making a show of looking over every square inch of the weapons before slipping them back into their holsters and pockets all over his body. I slipped my gun into my boot, feeling better about the world already.
Leia was staring at me a little wide-eyed, apparently trying to figure out if I regularly wore my very own arsenal while out and about. I wanted to tell her that I only saddled up like this when I went into a snake’s den but decided to bite my tongue. I didn’t want to destroy her delusions.
We hopped onto the Harley and took off towards Deming. I would be a gentleman and take her out to lunch, before I said goodbye. She had her Dad - she didn't need me anymore.
I ignored the twist of pain in my gut at the thought.
8
Leia
On the ride back to Deming, my mind was buzzing. I had hoped that Butcher would believe me and accept me, but I had still worried. But now…he had seemed excited about getting to know me more, and with the life insurance money I had received, I could afford to stay in Deming for a while.
I realized that my hands had started wandering again, up and down Knight’s washboard abs and guiltily, I stilled my hands, forcing myself to keep them from wandering. Knight had been nothing but kind and sweet and thoughtful and…
Didn’t like me one goddamn bit- at least, not in that way. He seemed to tolerate me okay, but I wanted more than that. But why should he be attracted to me? He was quite possibly the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on, up to and including movie stars. To be interested in me was…well, it just wasn't happening.
He’s not interested.
Now I just had to repeat that to myself in an endless loop.
The bike slowed down and began making twists and turns around corners and I knew, even without opening my eyes that we had hit the outskirts of Deming. Finally, we pulled to a stop and I opened my eyes and sat up. I squinted up at the building in front of us and realized we were at a Mexican restaurant.
“Figured you needed food,” Knight said in the sudden silence after he cut the engine. I grinned to myself. It was like he knew me or something.
We walked into the restaurant and the manager came bustling over to greet us.
“Hi, Knight,” said the man enthusiastically. The way that his eyes flicked up and down Knight’s body made me wonder if he was gay. I suddenly felt the strongest desire to shove myself between them and glare at the man.
Which was totally ridiculous and I knew it but couldn’t seem to make myself care.
“And who are you?” the larger man said, turning to me with big smile. He stuck out his hand to shake mine. “Any friend of the Dead Legion is a friend of mine.” I opened my mouth to introduce myself when the bubbly man turned back to Knight and gushed, “I saw that press conference that Carmen held and oh my God, that was just so cool. And you were standing behind her! World-famous now!” And before Knight could say anything to that, the owner turned and began surveying the restaurant.
“You two will want a place with a little more privacy to talk things over…” He was muttering as he walked away. Knight turned to me and whispered, “It’s better if we just go along with it.”
I couldn't stop giggling to myself at the absurdity of Knight whispering to me. We followed the hefty man to the back of the restaurant, where some ferns gave us the promised privacy.
“I'll be right back with the chips and salsa,” he promised and then disappeared. We sat down and stared at each other for a moment. Awkward.
“Did you chat with your dad about the Sangre at all?” Knight asked.
“Dammit! No, I totally forgot about it. I was so excited to finally be talking to my dad that everything else just went out the window.” I felt a pink, light blush creep up my cheeks. “But, I’m sure it’s okay. I mean, don’t you think they have other things to worry about? I’m a nobody. Only you, Butcher, and a couple of Outlaws even know I’m related to Butcher. I’m pretty sure no one’s going to run off and tell the Sangre about me.”
“Not the problem – being seen with me is.”
Oh, right. They may want to kidnap me and use me as bait to get to the Dead Legion.
I just didn't think like a criminal - the idea of someone wanting to kidnap me just seemed nuts. I was a waitress from Albuquerque, New Mexico. I could not be less interesting if I tried.
“Well, what should I do about it?” I asked, my eyebrows creasing. “You can’t keep babysitting me forever.”
“Why not?” He just stared at me and I realized, oh my God, he was being serious. His face gave nothing away – unyielding and blank as always. The lighter side had disappeared under the gravity of our topic, and I wondered what it would take to keep that side of him front and center all the time.
“Well, I’m pretty sure they need you at the clubhouse. Don’t you, like, do something there?”
“I'm the Sgt. at Arms for the Dead Legion, so it’s my job t-t-to protect. Gonna protect you.”
Did he just stutter?
Before I could contemplate that further, the owner showed up at my elbow, bearing chips and salsa. “So sorry, it’s just nuts back in the kitchen today. You guys ready to order?” We both ordered the special for the day and the man waddled away, shouting orders in Spanish to the kitchen employees as he went.
Before Knight could say anything, I jumped in and said, “I really appreciate you offering to help me like this. Are you sure that the club will be okay with it, though?” Be it far from me to turn down the prospect of spending more time with Knight. I wasn’t about to say no to the idea, even if he didn’t seem to look at me that way.
“The problem is because of the Dead Legion. No one will mind.”
As we enjoyed our sizzling seafood fajitas, we began chatting, and I saw a crack in his façade. He was actually smiling and a couple of times, he even laughed. It was rusty and harsh and I felt like every one of his laughs was a prize that I had won. I had chatted with more strangers than friends in my life because of working at restaurants and cafés and diners across Albuquerque. When the job is to make everyone feel at home, a natural friendliness is a prerequisite.
My mom used to tell me that I could talk a wolf out of its fur but as we talked, I thought maybe I could talk a Knight out of its shell. Was he maybe, just possibly, bizarrely actually flirting with me? My heart thumped faster in my chest and I tried to act as if this was normal, as if supermodels always flirted with me over lunch. Or any meal. Or any time, really.
“So tell me a talent you possess that no one realizes you have,” I challenged him with a grin. Two could flirt…
I had expected him to struggle, to hem and haw about it. Instead, he said simply, “Math.”
“Math?” I echoed, surprised. I had thought he would confess to a cool trick on his motorcycle or…well, something related to biking.
“Nothing special. Just simple math. It makes sense. I can do it in my head.”
“So…like, dinner. What’s the total?” As a waitress for what seemed like countless years, I had seen way too many people be surprised by the total on their ticket, and then somehow think it was my fault they’d ordered such expensive meals.
“$12.99 for each special plus $1.75 per soda plus $3.99 for the dessert I'm going to order for us to share comes to $33.47. New Mexico charges a 5.6% sales tax, which brings the total to $35.34.”
If Knight had stood in the middle of our table and started doing a jig, I didn't think I could be any more surprised than I was in that moment. Not only because he could calculate our tab in his head (including sales tax!) but because he had said all of those T’s without a single stutter.
Without thinking, I blurted out, “What happened to your stutter?”
The smile that had been on his face and the joy in his eyes disappeared instantly, and wham! his blank façade was back in place. I couldn’t believe that I had stuck my foot into my mouth so far and deep, my appendix was feeling my big toe wiggling around.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean –”
“Maybe we’ll just skip dessert.” He looked around the restaurant, intent on waving down the owner or a waiter or someone to come give us our ticket but I grabbed his hand in mine, yanking his attention back to me.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you,” I said, trying to convey sincerity with every cell of my body. “I just blurted it out without even thinking.” He had fucking been flirting with me – me! – and in return, I had talked about something that was painful, a pain I hadn’t even realized was there. “You see, I had a friend all through school who had a stutter and so many people made fun of her and it broke my heart - it was just so hard to see that happen and I tried to protect her but I couldn’t always and so when I listened to you talk, I could hear it. All the same tricks that Wendy used. But I’m sure that no one else can hear it, not like I can. It’s really not that bad and I’m…I’m so sorry.”
I felt my throat tighten and tears sting in my eyes as I stared at his proud face, knowing that I had caused him pain and wishing I could take it my words back - make them disappear down a deep, dark hole and never reappear again.
“No one really talks about it,” he said slowly, almost as if he was testing out these words on his tongue. This time, not because the consonants were hard to form, but because he was admitting to something hard and painful and rough. “Tough bikers don’t stutter, you know? It doesn’t happen all the time. Only sometimes when my words get jumbled together. I’ve never said anything to anyone in the Dead Legion. No one has ever figured it out.”
I realized that I was stroking my thumb across his knuckles, listening intently, as the whole world fell away and it was only the two of us and Knight was telling me something he had never told anyone before, and this time, when I felt my throat tighten with tears, it was from the emotion welling up inside of me from knowing that he trusted me enough to tell me.
“People believe you’re stupid if you can’t speak. I learned really early: Avoid talking for long periods of time. My stepdad made me believe I'd never do anything, be anyone, because I was t-t-too dumb. Couldn’t learn nothing. Math…it didn’t betray me like words did.”
“Did your parents put you into an advanced class for math? I mean, if you’re good at math, then surely your stepdad couldn’t think you were dumb in that subject area, right?”
Knight’s eyes widened and a smile spread over his face and then…
He began belly laughing. Deep, joyful sounds rang out of him as he clutched his belly. I watched him laugh, smiling in a vague way, unsure of what was so funny, but happy that Knight was happy.
“Sorry,” he finally said, doing a quick swipe at his eyes. “I’m just imagining…no. My stepdad didn’t believe I was smart because I could do math. He and my mom were always high or working on getting high. I was stupid because I stuttered, and nothing else mattered. I can only imagine, your childhood was something special, wasn’t it? Your mom loved you.” He said the words as if it was hard to fathom something like that — wistfully, thoughtfully, painfully.
“Yeah, my mom loved me a lot. Sometimes, I wonder if she didn’t love me too much,” I said with a grimace and then a light laugh. Compared to Knight’s childhood, I had nothing to complain about. “She tended to smother me - I was her only child, and she lived for me. She told me that all the time. I was still living at home when she died…she was my best friend, and I hers. I never moved out because, well, money was tight and moving out would’ve been hard to swing financially, but also because my mom didn’t want to lose me.”
“I moved out when I was 1
6,” Knight said simply. “Have never been back.”
“Are y’all interested in dessert tonight?” The owner was at my elbow again and I jumped when he spoke. Damn, he was a quiet guy, considering his bulky frame.
Knight looked at me, eyebrow cocked, and I nodded eagerly. I did love desserts of all kinds, but that wasn’t what I cared about at the moment. All that mattered was, Knight wanted to share a dessert with me. Somehow, I had convinced him that he could trust me with his secret and I was never going to cause him to regret that choice.
9
Knight
We rode over to a Redbox and rented a movie - some chick flick that Leia seemed to think would be awesome. I watched chick flicks about as often as I went to a salon and had a pedicure done, but dammit, if she wanted to watch a chick flick, I would watch a chick flick. I could only hope she wouldn’t feel this burning desire very often.
We headed back to the Cactus Motel, which is when I awkwardly realized that the motel room didn't have a couch in it, something I should’ve thought about before suggesting this activity, but just hadn’t. Oblivious to my dilemma, Leia popped in the DVD and then turned back to me.
I was standing between the two queen beds, shifting from foot to foot, unsure of what to choose or where to go. I couldn't exactly ask Leia to snuggle up with me in a bed, right? She barely knew me and despite the fact that I was almost sure she had been flirting with me earlier, that was a far cry from snuggling in a bed together.
“Huh,” Leia said, and I could tell she was pondering the same dilemma as me. I swallowed hard and decided to quit being whiny ass bitch. Do you want to do this or not? You need to saddle up on that horse and give it your best shot. The worst she can do is tell me no, right?
Cool, calm, and collected as always on the surface but my gut clenching in worry that she’d laugh at me, I said, “Wanna come sit on the bed next to me?” Much to my relief, she instead said brightly, “I'd love to!” She slipped her strappy sandals off her goddamn sexy feet and we cuddled up on the bed together as the opening credits of the movie began to roll.
