by Amelia E. S.
“No. Sure. I’ll be right down.” I say.
I close the door, and lean against it, head in hands.
I think I had sex last night
I’m Crying
Before we leave, I run over to Hayes’s house to talk to Rochelle. Curiosity was going to eat me alive, if I didn’t know the truth.
I haven’t been inside Hayes’s house, in years. I’m too afraid my secrets and lies will consume me.
I’m afraid I’ll see Ms. Kristen, I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I almost backed down entirely.
Hayes waits in the car.
I look at the ground mostly, I avoid pictures, things from the past as I walk through the house. I didn’t want to interact with the sad memories of Timmy, Hayes, truthfully all of the Bartley’s.
Right next to Hayes’s room, is Timmy’s room. Timmy’s door is closed.
This hurt more than I’d expected. I want to turn back around and leave, right now. I can’t stop staring at Timmy’s door. My hands are shaking now, I’m trying to comfort myself.
Memories are coming back; a lot was coming back.
I hear Rochelle groaning in Hayes’s room, this is enough to wake me from my memories. I walk into his room and close the door behind me.
The same blue he had since he was a boy, paint his walls. The plain desk that sit in the corner of the room, and the astrology décor that decorates his desk.
They were all in the exact same spot.
Then there’s Rochelle. She’s stretched out on his bed, asleep. Now she’s half asleep.
“Alex is that you?” She mumbles.
I walk over to the bed and stand next to her.
“Hey Rochelle, how are you feeling?” I ask.
“Worse than you, that’s for sure.” She laughs, I smile to hide the fear I felt.
Everything in this house was starting to affect me.
“Rochelle, I need to ask you something.” I say.
I hug myself and squeeze my jacket sleeves. Rochelle’s face is still buried in the blankets.
“Is it about last night?” Rochelle yawns.
I felt very uncomfortable for many reasons. I needed to leave.
“I think I had sex, last night.” I say.
Rochelle laughs. I squeeze my jacket sleeve more.
“Great for you Al, how was it?” She asks.
My stomach drops. I sit down on the floor next to the bed.
“I can’t remember it, Rochelle.” I mumble. I’m embarrassed by my words.
“If you can’t remember it Alex, and you feel okay. Well, you didn’t have sex.” She turns to me.
“You’d know if you’d had sex for the first time.” She says.
Rochelle goes back to hugging Hayes’s covers. I hug my stomach, and bite down on my lip. It felt like, if I looked at anything in the room for too long, it would crumble.
“So, you don’t know what happened either?” I ask.
“Maybe you fooled around with Jeff, or the DJ.” She says. I look away.
“Look, I’m sure we all did stupid stuff last night. It’s totally fine Alex.” Rochelle’s says.
“It’s not “totally fine”, Rochelle. This stuff matters to me.” I say.
I look at the ground. I trace a T on the wood floor. I felt a secret coming out.
“Can we talk when I’m sober. I just don’t feel up for talking. I’m sorry if I’m being, a shitty friend right now.” She mumbles again.
“Yeah. Sure, we can talk about this another time.” I mumble. I move my hair from my face.
“Can you get my phone, from the nightstand.” She asks. I nod.
I’m moving silently, but the floor squeaks, it brings back memories. I wipe the tears the farther I’d get from Rochelle, so she can’t see.
I open the nightstand; Rochelle’s phone isn’t there.
Instead, I see a letter in Hayes’s nightstand. My letter. I pick it up.
Before I open it, Rochelle gets up.
“I’ll get it myself.” She whines.
She reaches for the nightstand closest to her.
My eyes follow her. I’m quickly putting my note back.
“I got to go Rochelle, Hayes and I are picking up some doughnuts. You want some?” I ask.
“Yeah, I know. I told him to go get them.” She says.
I’m too scared to ask her about my secrets I might’ve let loose last night. I feel stupid. I feel like a liar, and I’m burning up with anger. I have to get out of this room.
There’s silence, Rochelle’s nails tap on the phone.
“Alex. If you had sex last night. Well, there’s usually blood your first time.” She says.
The pit in my stomach goes deeper.
We don’t exchange anymore words. I leave his room, staring at the ground, until I’m outside.
I enter Hayes’s car, silently. I don’t bother to wipe the tears. The rain drenched me altogether.
“Ready to go?” He asks.
I nod, and we’re off to Rogers Bakery.
~~~~
We reach our local bakery store, where a lot of memories took place. All happy ones.
The memories weren’t going to lighten the mood today, though.
It was already a grey, and rainy day. The entire car ride was silent, and I avoided looking at Hayes altogether. I just felt numb all around.
I’m not sure if I did anything yesterday. But my lies, and secrets, made me feel dirty.
When Hayes parked, I decide to wait in the car.
I guess I didn’t want to ruin the happy memories of this place, with the sad ones I thought of right now.
Whatever the reason, I could just sit in the car, watch the rain, listen to Hayes’s music, and think of better days.
Yet, whenever I tried to, my past haunts me.
~~~~
I sit in the waiting room at Orca Manchester Care, it’s the next town over.
I was only 14. I was just a kid.
The doctor comes into the room. He’s was young, naïve, but honest.
“It’s a habit acquired by many, and you must understand the health risks. I’m sorry Alex.”
~~~~
Knocking on the window scares me, wakes me from the past. It’s Hayes.
“You okay?” Hayes shouts through the window.
I’m tensed, and nod with lies. He enters the car, hands full of doughnuts.
“Yeah. I’m just cold.” I say.
Hayes takes off his jacket and gives it to me.
“Thanks.” I say.
I turn back to the window. Silence pours in the car, again. Then Hayes offers to feed my habit.
“I’m not hungry.” I lie.
“Come on, it’s breakfast.” He says.
“I don’t eat cow stuff, or eggs.” I turn to him.
“What do you think I told the bakers? These three are for you. No cow stuff, or eggs.” He smiles.
I grab a piece from one and eat it. I could barely chew, I’m trying to prevent tears from coming down my face.
This was going to be my only meal today.
We stay silent, Hayes hasn’t started the car up yet.
“I think I did something stupid last night.” I mumble, still turned to the window.
The glazed doughnut’s icing glossed my lips, made them sweet when I licked them. It was comforting in a way.
“Like what?” He asks. I shake my head.
The rain is heavy.
“I was with you the entire night.” Hayes states.
“We both were. Rochelle too.” He says.
“That’s reassuring.” I mumble under my breath.
“Why were my clothes different?” I ask.
“You barfed.” He says.
“More than once?” I ask, and he nods.
“Who dressed me?” I scrunch my damp hair.
“You did.” He says.
“DJ guy?” I look at Hayes, he hands me the box of doughnuts.
“Yeah. He was bad news, your brother and I told him o
ff. You tried bringing him up to your room.” Hayes says.
He doesn’t look at me now. I start to draw on the box.
“You left me. You and Rochelle, went next door, how do you know?” I ask.
“We left when the party was over, after everyone went home.” He says.
“Then what?” I turn to him.
“Then I left, yes.” He says.
“With Rochelle.” I say. I scrunch my hair again.
I wanted him to say it. After the party was over, him and Rochelle had sex. Then again, knowing the truth would hurt me, more than I hurt now.
“Rochelle usually stays over, after a party. It was weird seeing her in your room.” I state.
I start to scribble on his window. The car was still in park, the rain is our radio.
“You won beer pong.” He says, but I stay silent.
“You didn’t do anything, okay? You didn’t want to do anything, did you?” He asks.
“I don’t know. No.” I turn to him.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I dreaded to know what happened last night, but now that I know. I feel even more guilty, because I still have secrets. Because, when I close my eyes, I can still see the mistakes.
“Do you remember what I said to you last night? In the bathroom?” I ask.
One of the only things I remember, from last night.
“Listen Alex. If I said anything or did anything. Just, clean slate, okay? Let’s just forget about last night.” He says.
No, I didn’t want that. The things from last night that I do remember, were great.
“I’d rather keep that stuff behind us.” He says.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure. Me too.” I lie.
“Thanks for staying.” I mumble. My throat pulsed, I was holding in so much.
I pick at my nails.
The car goes silent. There’s only the rain.
“Was that your first time in the house since.” He asks.
“No.” I lie.
I end the conversation, that was coming. I wasn’t going to bring up the past that far back. I couldn’t.
“Can we go?” I say.
Hayes silently starts the car, and we head home.
Please Don’t Go Hayes
“A double date?” I stand at her locker.
It was now the end of the week, school was over for seniors. Rochelle wanted to double date with Jeff and me.
I still wasn’t okay with them, together. It was awkward, it was bad for me. I don’t know why Rochelle couldn’t see that.
Probably because I acted like it was okay. I’d say things, do things to show I didn’t care. It was better than telling her the truth.
“Sure. I don’t care.” I lie.
The week gave me time to heal from the party, but I still wasn’t fully okay with what went down.
I know Jeff wasn’t, we haven’t talked since then. Rochelle doesn’t know this.
~~~~
The double date was originally supposed to be a movie date, and dinner. Plans changed. More specifically, Rochelle wanted everything at her house.
Rochelle’s place was “the house”. It was big, spacious had a pool, jacuzzi in the back. There were rooms beyond rooms, which were great for parties, it’s perfect.
Personally, I think Rochelle likes to play house. She likes to create a world, where she’s in charge. Where she’s comfortable, safe. It’s her giant dollhouse.
Yet, when the music stops, when the crowd leaves. It’s a mute, grey, and lonely dollhouse.
Rochelle parents are never home, ever. They make an appearance in the town no more than 24 times a year. She’s been alone for a while.
It’s been this way since she could legally be left alone. Before that, they’d hire babysitters, or she’d stay over our house.
Leaving someone so young all alone in a big mansion. I’m glad she has someone. Before she had me, now, it’s Hayes. I feel bad for envying Hayes.
“I still hate this idea, Rochelle.” I tell her. I’m tying up my hair.
We were getting ready in her room. Jeff and Hayes were on their way.
Well, Hayes was for sure coming. I texted Jeff the same day this date was orchestrated. I sent him a message, he never responded.
“It’ll be fun I promise, just drink a lot.” Rochelle says.
“So, did you bring yours?” She asks.
“Bring what?” I ask.
“Your swimsuit.” She says.
“I think I’m going to cancel.” I say to her.
“Fine, you can borrow one of mine.” She smirks. Seconds later she tosses a bathing suit at my head.
“You left it here.” She says.
I throw it back at her.
“Seriously Alex? It’s too late to cancel.” Rochelle says.
We go downstairs. The doorbell keeps ringing. I take a deep breath. Rochelle opens the door.
Hayes enters. Then Jeff.
~~~~~
Once Hayes and Jeff come inside, everything starts. Rochelle passes around the drinks and starts up the radio. Everyone was drinking, laughing, having fun. It was a nice scene, if you were in the moment.
For me, I turned down the drinks, even though I could use them tonight. I wasn’t ready for drinks yet.
Jeff makes his way over to me. It’s silence between the both of us for a while.
“Thanks for not standing me up.” I smile. Jeff moves his hair from his face.
“About last week.” He says.
There’s this awkward silence between him, and I again. Rochelle lightens the mood.
She takes me by the hand and pulls me to the pool.
When I go to take off my shirt it gets caught. Jeff helps. His hands touch my bare skin. They give me chills.
“You were going to war with that shirt. I thought I’d help.” He smiles at me.
My hair tie had fallen out, and my hair hangs over my face.
“Thanks. I had it though.” I mumble, Hayes heard me.
“Come on Little Richards.” Hayes laughs.
“Shut up Hayes!” Rochelle laughs, and pushes him in the pool. Seconds later, Rochelle jumps in.
I look at Jeff, he keeps stepping closer to me. I step in. He smiles at me, he won’t stop.
“Stop.” I say.
He grabs my hand, and I push him in. This is the first time tonight, that I smiled.
I wanted someone to just tell me to stop being so uncomfortable, but no one did. All of us were on this weird double date, and I’m forced to jump out of my comfort zone.
I stick a toe in, the water is warm.
I’m now sitting at the edge of the pool. I slide in.
I hold my breath for a while. Longer than a while, but it’s quiet and I can’t think. I’m holding my breath for too long.
“Alex!” Hayes pulls me above water.
“Ouch!” I grab at my arm Hayes pulled.
“What the fuck Little Richards.” He laughs, but he’s scared. I now feel bad for scaring Hayes.
I catch my breath, before swimming away from him.
“I’m a life guard. I can do whatever I want.” I whisper. He smiles.
“No Little Richards calling today, got it?” I say, making sure to splash him in the face.
I guess this was us apologizing to each other. I’m feeling better now.
I bump into Jeff.
“Sorry about the whole silent awkwardness.” I tell him.
“I’m not.” He says.
I submerge my entire face underwater for a moment. When I come back up, he’s still looking at me.
“See who holds their breath the longest?” I ask.
We both go under.
It feels like we are under water, for forever. I open my eyes underwater to watch Jeff. He was so focused with his eyes closed. Seconds later he floats back up to the surface.
“How?!” His laugh makes me warm. It makes me smile.
“Stay calm, focus on something, anything.” I say.
Before we go under again, I grab
his hands and interlace them with mine.
Once we are under, I open my eyes, and watch Jeff again. I see his bubbles float to the surface.
Suddenly, Jeff opens his eyes.
I don’t swim to the surface, I move into him.
30 SECONDS
We stare at each other, he makes a funny face.
50 SECONDS
It’s weird how when you jump out of your comfort zone, the more comfortable you feel with yourself. So much that I go to kiss Jeff on the cheek.
60 SECONDS
He smiles at me, but we don’t stop. Jeff swims closer, he swims so close to me that our bodies collide with the unrealistic tides.
He kisses me on the lips.
I swim to the surface, touching my buzzing lips.
HE KISSED ME
Come Back Please
About 10 seconds after Jeff kissed me on the lips he resurfaces.
Jeff wins
I go to say something, but water gets into my nose. To make things worse the coughing went on for more than 30 seconds, Jeff starts to worry.
He guides me to the rim of the pool, where I finally stop.
“I focused on you.” He smiles.
I swim closer to him and our wet lips collide. I lick the chlorinated water on my lips. He copies me.
“I’m sorry about last week.” I smile.
“That was last week. This is now.” Jeff says. He pecks my bottom lip. My face is beating.
I wrap my arms around his neck, I want more of him. He hugs my waist.
I haven’t kissed anyone in years.
We stare at each other, smiling. We get interrupted by Rochelle, and Hayes.
“What’s going on over here?” Rochelle laughs.
“Nothing.” I say.
She laughs and splashes us both. Jeff smiles at me when I look at him.
“Who’s ready for Fuck and You?” She asks.
This was Rochelle version of Marco Polo. Hayes and Rochelle start off as Fuck, Jeff and I are You. From there we start the game.
It’s slow paced at first. Rochelle and Hayes were taking their time, or they were buzzed. Some point in this round I make noise, Hayes is now hunting me. Hayes is right behind me.
I move from one corner of the pool, to another corner. Eyes still closed, Hayes starts swimming towards me.
Hayes is right in front of me. He shouts Marco, and Rochelle corrects him.
“Sorry, my mistake.” He smiles.
I hear his faint sigh turn to a laughter as he swims closer to me.
