by Amelia E. S.
“Yes, it does!” laugh.
“We’re pretty fucked up, huh?” Hayes laughs. I nod, laughing with him.
More cars pass, I can hear crickets when the cars, get far enough away.
I slide off of the car, Hayes comes down after. We lean on the hood of his car, close to each other.
“Hayes. Why did you come back to Versa?” I ask. He doesn’t respond.
I nudge him, and he forces a smile. This makes me nervous.
“Come on, you stayed for me. Why did you come back in the first place?” I ask.
I want to smile, but I want to smile, but Hayes looks sad again.
“Hayes.” I nudge him.
He bites down hard, on his lip. He looks like he is about to cry.
I get butterflies in my stomach, because Hayes’s silent. He’s acting weird. Does he know a secret?
He clenches his jaw again. I reach my shaking hands and move his wild hair from his face.
“I’m sorry.” I say.
We’re close. Our bare skin is touching one another’s. I want to hug him, but I’m scared.
I’m so fucking scared right now.
“Can I give you a hug?” I’m crying.
Hayes hasn’t started crying yet, but knowing he wants to, makes me cry.
“Why are you crying?” He laughs. I laugh and cover my face.
“I’m sad, for both of us.” My voice is muffled by my sleeve.
He grabs my hands and pulls me into him. I hug his warm body.
I could feel his breath. I could feel his warm body against mine. We haven’t been this close, in years. We haven’t hugged, in years.
We sway back and forth, and Hayes rubs my back. I stop crying.
“Better?” He asks.
We’re both looking at each other, our faces are close. I should let go now. I should let go, but I don’t want to. I want to hold him forever.
“Hayes.” I lean in more as I call his name.
I can’t stop. Hayes won’t say anything, and I can’t stop.
My lips meet his, for a split second. All it took was a second.
In that split second, I fucked everything up.
I Kissed You In Your Sleep
“Hayes.” I get closer and closer.
Hayes isn’t saying anything. He’s just playing in my hair. So, I lean in and kiss him.
He immediately backs away and lets go of me. He’s upset.
“Alex what the fuck.” He grabs his hair and wipes his lips. His voice is soft, but raspy.
“I followed my heart.” I say. He’s still close to me.
“You just fucking ruined everything.” Hayes says.
“Like last time?” I ask.
I knew he’d keep this a secret, just like last time, right? He has to.
He doesn’t look at me. The pit in my stomach pulses.
“Hayes, I’m sorry!” cry.Water fills my eyes. I don’t fight them.
“No. This time Alex, you crossed the line.” He says, he wipes his face.
Seeing him cry, makes me cry.
“Hayes, talk to me.” I say, but he won’t
. I grab his hand, bubut he pulls away.
He goes back to cleaning up, and putting stuff in the car, passing me every time. Ignoring me, every time.
“You didn’t want this?” I ask.
“Grab your stuff, I’m taking you home.” I grab my stuff and throw it in the car.
“Why did you come back to Versa, huh? Not for Rochelle, I know that.” I say, but he still ignores me.
The pit in my stomach deepens, my heart aches.
“Fuck this, I tried. I didn’t even want to get in the car with you.” I say. He finally looks at me.
“You drive me all the way up here, and what? We have history, what’d you think would happen?”
“What about the party?” I say.I can’t look at Hayes for too long.
I see tears on his face.
“I’ll call a cab, it’s fine. I don’t want to be in the same fucking car with you, again!” I shout.
I take Hayes’s phone, slam the car door, and start walking farther away.
Hayes comes up from behind me, and snatches the phone from my hand, and hangs up.
“Get in the car Alex!” He shouts.
“I fucking hate you!” I say to him.
“Say that again? Tell me, that what you just did was okay? Come on, tell me one of those secrets,, Little Richards. I’ll drop it, I’ll drop it all. Just tell me the fucking truth, for once.” He says.
I stay silent.
I don’t stop the tears, they rush out. Hayes is close again, he’s so angry, this hurt me too much. I’ve never seen him this hurt, ever.
Everything happy tonight, was leaving my mind.
“No!” I yell at him.
“You’re such a fucking liar Alex!” His voice makes me jump.
Everything is ruined. He’s ruined me again. I hate myself now. I want Hayes to hate me. I want him to hate me, because I can never hate him. I love him too much.
“I had sex with Jeff. In your car!” I yell.
I cover my mouth with my sleeve seconds after I say it. I regret saying it.
“That day we got doughnuts, I fucked him. There’s the truth.” I say.
“Do you hate me, now?” I ask him.
Hayes turns away from me, grabbing at his hair. He goes to his car, and calls someone.
20 minutes have gone by. Hayes is still in his car, I’m standing in the same spot.
A car passes us, then stops. Then pulls onto the dirt road. I listen to the gritty noises the dirt made from the car’s tires.
It’s a cab. I walk towards it and open the door. Hayes gets out of his car and tosses me his keys. We don’t exchange looks or speak to each other. I knew this gesture meant he was taking a cab, and I was taking his car.
We were both out of words to say to each other.
He gets into the cab. The cab’s low hum didn’t cover up the conversation between Hayes and the driver. I heard it all.
“Where?” The driver asked.
“Shiloh Ridge.” Hayes says.
I tense. That was a few cities from here.
Hayes was leaving Versa.
I hold my stomach and break down as soon as they drive off.
I get in Hayes’s car, shut all the doors, and blast the radio. Then I yell and scream so loud, my throat was too numb to hurt.
~~~~~
I was 11, it was two months after Timmy had passed. Hayes just got back from wherever his parents sent him of to, while they settled their split.
Just too fucking sad, and stressful for a kid to experience, on top of losing his brother. It was too much, for anyone.
When Hayes did come back, he stayed with us. Since I was usually the only one home on a Friday night, and Hayes’s friends were too scared to accept him. It was just Hayes and me together, always.
We were young, and curious.
I was curious.
My mother was out, the house was empty, it was just the two of us.
We stayed in, made food, built a fort on the floor, and watched movies.
I was getting older. Hayes was getting older.
In the middle of the night, I had another nightmare. I get nightmares often. This time I had someone to comfort me. It used to be my mother, now it’s Hayes.
He was asleep. I was awake. He wakes up to comfort me. He rubs my back, holds my hand, then falls back asleep.
I was laying by his side, on the floor, in our fort. The lights were off. The movie was still going. The noise on the T.V was mute to me, all I felt was the static. I felt grey again.
I cry to myself at 11 years old. Blaming myself for the death of Hayes’s brother. For ruining what my mother, and Mr. Bartley had, even though it was wrong. For lying to Ms. Kristen. For not telling Hayes, my best friend, about any of it.
I blamed myself for keeping the secret that ruined everything, and everyone I loved.
I cry silently to myse
lf. When I could, I’d look at Hayes and feel better, calmer than before. He anchored me through the feeling of everything. I had no one else.
I loved Hayes for being my best friend. I loved Hayes. I was in love with Hayes, since the first day I met him.
So, when he’s asleep I lean into him. I’m so close I feel his warm body. I move his curly, long hair from his face, and I kiss him on the lips at 11 years old.
Another secret. The least harmful. I was a child.
At that time, I didn’t know it, but I was falling for my next-door neighbor. I loved him more, and more each day.
The love for him, carried my secrets, kept them safe. But, doing this, created more secrets. Secrets I still keep. Secrets between Hayes and me. Secrets that killed, more than twice.
Three lives.
I shouldn’t have kissed him that day. I shouldn’t have kissed him again.
I shouldn’t have read his letter.
I should’ve never written one.
~~~~~
Life is still beautiful though, I want to hate it.
I love life, and I love Hayes.
My hoodie is drenched in wet secrets now
I start the car and drive back to Versa. I’m too sad to go home though, instead I park at Versa Coast.
I was too scared to sleep. I was too scared to think about the past. Too scared to think of my true thoughts, my secrets. All I could do, was cry. Cry until I shut my eyes.
I Don’t Know Why
Life after I fucked up everything, again. I’m back to living more lies, back to memories from the past that make me sick to my stomach. Back to smiling, behind the tears. Back to, the red room to develop my secrets. Back to, avoiding food.
All because, of Hayes.
He wasn’t to blame, I choose to feel this way. Because I can’t hate him, I blame Hayes, for loving him too much.
Hayes knows I love him, or he should. I know kissing him was wrong, for more than one reason. I knew he was with Rochelle and did it anyways. It was the secret that I was keeping, that made what I did, even worse. It would make Hayes’s reaction small. It would make me, sick.
Our lips have met before, but that was a different time.
I feel gross again.
That night when Hayes went to Shiloh Ridge, I wanted to follow him. I wanted to drive around that town, in his car and find him. Make sure he was okay, even though I knew he wasn’t. I wanted to hold him, I wanted him to hold me like when we were younger. I wanted him to rub my back and make me feel better.
He’ll never do that again. I most-likely, won’t see him ever again.
It’s been weeks, and his car that I parked out front for him, hasn’t moved. Hayes hasn’t come back to Versa yet, he might never come back. It took him 3 years for me to see him again, to hear him again, to hold him again. If he ever comes back, I’ll be long gone.
These thoughts are what keep me up at night. These thoughts are what feed the butterflies in my stomach. I feared the worst, with a guilty conscious.
~~~~~
A teacher comes from out of nowhere and wakes me up.
“Alex. Alex, honey.” She says.
I was sleeping in the red room at school. I was waiting for my photos to develop.
“Honey, it’s time to go home.” The teacher says.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“Nine-o-clock at night, sweetie.” Her voice was soft.
I didn’t like her calm voice, it was too similar, to my mothers.
I leave school, and drive home.
~~~~~
A lot has changed in such short time. After I kissed Hayes, I talked to Rochelle.
I wasn’t going to tell her about the kiss, of course. I keep too many secrets, to even let one out. Even if it’s Rochelle.
So, after a week or so, I stopped going to her parties. I stopped talking to her in school, and out of school. I lied and told her I had to work on college stuff, when really, I felt too guilty to be around her.
There was Jeff. When he recovered, he texted me, but I never responded.
I feel so isolated, again.
It feels like Christmas again, but without the music, without the lights, just the muted laughs, and the freezing cold. I’m so cold, without Hayes.
I’m too blue. More sad memories come to me.
~~~~~
A week after she passed. It was green, red and gold all over. It felt blue, grey, and cold though. All of the siblings were together, but we were too sad to celebrate the holiday.
We tried drowning the mood with Christmas music, we tried opening presents. Nothing was working.
It was just cold, and minimal warmth from the fireplace.
Mostly cold casseroles by our older neighbors next door fill, our fridge. Even though our fridge was filled with food from others, from the funeral. Jack orders two pizzas for us.
We sit in the living room and eat in silence. I love pizza now, because Hayes loves pizza. He came to her funeral, and I saw him. I haven’t seen him in, 3 years.
Hearing his voice on the phone when he called me on Christmas, gave me warmth. He said he’d move back to Versa next month for me.
When the New Year rolled around, there was no Hayes.
All there was, was our neighbors’ cold casserole again.
He wasn’t coming back to Versa. Even when I needed him the most.
~~~~~
It felt like Christmas again. I needed to hear Hayes’s voice to keep me warm now. I needed to tell him the truth. I needed to tell him why I liked pizza so much back then.
But Hayes wasn’t coming back. This time I think, for good.
Please Don’t Be Mad At Me
I was finally going out this weekend. The house was quiet again, not empty though.
“So, we want a side of fries with that. Emma wants Italian dressing for her salad.” Jake says.
It was a Friday night, Jake and Emma were staying in. I offered to go get them food.
Jake, Emma, and me crowd the island table for no reason. Emma’s staring at me, while she eats from the bowl of popcorn on the table. Her crunches grow more intense, the longer we keep eye contact. She’s still silent. Her red bangs cover her eyes. She keeps fixing her cardigan.
“I got it Jake, thanks.” I say.
“What about you?” He asks me.
I look at Emma, then him. I knew why he asked me this. I wasn’t eating, and it was obvious. I was lying to everyone, and it was obvious.
“Why do you think I offered to go and get you food?” My voice is weak.
“For vitamin D?” He jokes.
Emma giggles. She’s picking through the popcorn bowl.
I was too sad to smile at his joke, I nod instead. I put on my hat, then my hood. I leave the kitchen and head to my car in the garage. I park it in the garage now, because I can’t look at Hayes’s car for too long.
I pull off, and head to the pizza place, even though I hate pizza.
There was a reason I offered. The pizza place is close to Shiloh Ridge, closer to Hayes. If he was still there, I could see him.
~~~~~
I wait in my car for a while, and watch people come in and out of the pizza place. I wanted Hayes to see him, I wanted him to like me again.
He wasn’t there. I don’t know, where he is.
I get out of my car and go inside. It’s warm, I can smell the sticky pasta sauce in the air. I can feel the warmth of the ovens; the sour bitter cheese was too yellow. The smell was overwhelming. This was bringing back memories, bad ones.
A little kid is waiting in line with his parent. He sticks his tongue out at me.
Someone comes from behind and gives me a hug. I bite down on my lip, and smile.
“Hayes?” I ask.
The person is quiet, I turn around.
“Hey Alex.” He says.
It’s Jeff. His smiled warmed me for a short time. I was hurt that it wasn’t Hayes. I was so hurt that I wanted to cry, but I hide it. I force a smile at Jeff.
<
br /> “How are you?” He asks. He’s smiling, he’s happy.
His foot was wrapped, he had a crutch in one hand.
“It’s a sprain. You should see the other guy.” His words are soft. He’s so calm.
“Lucky you.” I joke. He laughs.
We were in a conversation, things were going better then I’d hope. The cashier calls Jeff’s name.
Everything goes quiet again.
I watch as Jeff slowly makes his way over to the cashier. His wrapped foot is in a sandal. He drags the rubber sandal on the laminated floor. I hear it squeak.
He rests his crutch against the counter. He goes to pay, when it falls onto the ground. The wood from the crutch sounds like it split.
I go to pick it up, and get some wood stuck in my finger. The slinter is deep.
“Thanks. I don’t like taking this thing around. “He says.
Seeing him frustrated, made me want him. For a second, it made me forget about Hayes. Whenever I’m with Jeff, I don’t think about a lot of things.
“What are you doing in Orca?” He asks.
Orca Manchester, the town next to Versa. Also, the town next to Shiloh Ridge. I had history with Orca. I get nervous.
“Buying some food for Jake.” I say.
The way he’s looking at me, I can’t help but smile. He looks at his boxes of pizzas, there are more than three.
“Throwing a party?” I ask. I grab two boxes from him.
“The lacrosse team is, I’m paying.” He says.
A black truck parked out front honks at us. Jeff flips the driver off.
“Those jerks.” He laughs.
I help him carry the pizzas to the truck full of empty-handed boys.
The loud music lowers. I hear them whispering about me.
Everyone knew about the Richards, and the Bartley’s. All for the wrong reasons.
I stay silent and hand the boxes to a scared freshman in the back seat. He smiles at me.
The guy in the front seat says something stupid. Jeff slams the door. It’s just Jeff and I now, he’s smiling at me.
“I’m sorry for not texting you back.” I say. He nods.
“I’m just glad to see your face.” He interlaces our fingers, before stealing a hair tie on my wrist.
My hood falls down, he keeps looking at me. He won’t stop, until I smile. He goes to kiss me, I lean into him. We’re both slumped against this truck.
