I turn my gaze to the side, half expecting to see my Aunt Carol. Only it’s not her I see. My pulse quickens instantly as I take in the faded lines and colors of Kamden’s old Dodgers baseball cap before meeting the dark eyes that rest beneath it.
Kane doesn’t say a word. Instead he pulls his knees up to his chest and directs his gaze out to the water. I open my mouth to say something at least ten times before finally deciding not to say anything at all.
I have no idea why he’s here. I don’t know if he came looking for me or if he simply stumbled here by accident the same way I did. All I know is that saying to him what I need to say seems like an impossible task and so, I choose to say nothing at all.
Waves roll in one after the other and his focus never breaks. I can’t stop staring at him from the corner of my eye. Completely transfixed by how much he looks like Kamden right now and how much comfort that brings me – even though it shouldn’t.
“This was my brother’s favorite place,” he finally says after several long minutes of silence. His voice is deep and hoarse, giving away the emotion in it.
“I know,” I say, a slight shake to my words. My focus still on the water as it finally reaches my feet, covering my toes before it’s sucked back again.
“Did he ever tell you why?” he asks, his gaze meeting mine for the briefest moment before turning forward again, continuing without waiting for my reply. “He almost drowned here. In that very spot.” He points to somewhere off in the distance. “He was thirteen at the time and had only been surfing a couple of months. He was trying to show off for some girls that were at least three or four years older than him. He got too cocky and tried to tackle a wave he had no business being on. Ended up wiping out and got stuck in the current. He was under for a good minute or two before he finally resurfaced.”
“And that’s why this was his favorite place?” I question.
“Said it was the one place that reminded him of how quickly everything can be taken away. That even though we think we’re in control, we never truly are.”
His words hit like a hammer to my heart. It’s something Kam said to me on more than one occasion – knowing how badly I crave control. Hearing it repeated by Kane only intensifies the ache in my chest.
“It was two solid years before he got on a board again after that,” he continues when I make no attempt to comment.
“He never told me that story,” I say, managing to push past the lump in my throat.
“Not surprising. He hated telling that story.” He shakes his head, kicking at the sand below his feet.
“What made him get back on it?” I ask, wanting to keep him talking.
If I close my eyes and listen, I can almost hear Kam’s voice instead of Kane’s. The two are so very similar in that way. Selfishly, that’s all I really want—for him to be his brother. For Kamden to still be here with me.
“You did.” He picks up a handful of sand, watching it slide through his fingers.
“Me?” I question.
“The summer he met you was the summer he started surfing again. He never said it outright but I know it was because of you. You challenged him. You made it impossible for him to be afraid. He really loved you. I hope you know that.”
“I really loved him.” I swipe at the tear that falls down my cheek.
Twenty minutes ago I didn’t think I was capable of crying more tears, yet here I am, welling up again like a still open wound that won’t scab over.
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” He says it like he still hasn’t fully processed the truth neither of us wants to accept.
“Neither can I.” It’s all I can manage to say. There are no words, nothing that will offer him or myself even one ounce of comfort. So instead I sit in silence. I sit next to a man I do not know and selfishly take comfort in knowing that for just this one moment, I’m not alone.
He was his brother after all – someone who knew Kam his entire life, someone who grew up right alongside him. If anyone understands the loss and grief I feel it’s Kane. And even though I’m responsible for that loss, I don’t have it in me to deny myself the smallest sense of comfort by having him next to me.
He’s not Kamden. He will never be Kamden. I know that. But for just a moment I let myself pretend he is. I look out over the horizon and envision that it’s Kam next to me. I pretend that it’s just another dreary summer day like ones we’ve seen so many times before. That nothing has changed.
I live in that moment – embracing it – because I know once it’s over I’ll never get it back. I’ll never get Kamden back. I’ll never get to see his smile or hear his laugh. I’ll never get to feel the warmth of his embrace or smell the salty scent of the ocean that always clung to his skin. I’ll never get to look into those hazel eyes again, the blue and green speckles I used to make a habit of trying to count are lost from me forever.
A second tear trickles down my cheek, followed by another, but I refuse to look at Kane. I refuse to acknowledge that he’s not who I want him to be, who I need him to be. I keep my focus locked on the setting sun, wishing I could disappear over the horizon along with it.
Four years ago
“So, she finally did it, huh?” I ask, leaning back in my chair as my gaze goes to my brother. “I have to admit, I didn’t think there was a chance in hell you’d get her to move here,” I say, referring to my brother’s best friend Elara. AKA: the girl he’s been secretly in love with for nearly three years now.
“I wish I could take the credit.” Kam leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, his favorite Dodgers hat pulled low over his eyes. “With everything that’s gone down with her this year I think she needs to get away. Start fresh somewhere.”
“You’re kidding yourself if you think her coming here has nothing to do with you.” I smirk, not quite sure how my younger brother can be so dense sometimes.
“She needs a friend right now, so yeah, maybe it has a little to do with me. But her Aunt Carol is here. And she’s her mom’s only sibling. I have no doubt she needs that connection to her mom right now. Shit, man, can you imagine if something like that happened to our mom? Having to stand by and watch her die a little bit more every single day. Makes me sick even thinking about it.”
“Yeah, I’d rather not think about it,” I admit, shaking off the thought. “Regardless, I think it’s good that she’s coming here. I’m sick of you moping around like a lost puppy every time she leaves.”
“You’re never here. How do you know if I mope?”
He leans back in the rocking chair, the porch boards creaking as he does.
“Mom,” we both say in unison.
“So when do I finally get to meet this girl?”
“Elara,” Kam interjects.
“Elara,” I repeat the name I’ve heard more times than I care to admit. Elara is all Kam talks about. Ever.
“She’s supposed to get here the day before my graduation party. You’ll probably meet her there. And you better be nice to her.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I quirk a brow at him.
“Exactly what it sounds like. Don’t be an asshole.”
“I’m never an asshole,” I object.
“Dude, you’re always an asshole.” He chuckles, shaking his head at me.
“I’m trying really hard to not get offended right now but you’re making that kind of difficult.”
“I’m just saying to go easy on her, okay? She’s important.” He stands, crossing to the railing that wraps around the large front porch of our parents’ house.
“You think I don’t know that?” I push to a stand, stepping up next him. “So is this the year you’re finally gonna make your move on her?” I nudge him with my elbow.
“It’s not like that,” he objects.
“You sure about that?” I question, turning to rest my lower back against the porch railing so that I’m facing the house while he’s facing the yard.
“She’s my best friend.”
“I love her. I’m not in love with her. There’s a difference.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Kam?”
“What the hell do you know anyway? You’ve been living in Illinois the past three years. You come home for a quick visit and you already think you’ve got me all figured out?”
“Whoa, calm down.” I hold my hands up in front of myself in surrender.
“Sorry.” He lets out a slow breath, adjusting his hat. “I’m nervous about having her here full time,” he admits after a long moment.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s just, I don’t know.” He seems to lose himself in thought for a long moment.
“You’re worried that if she’s here all the time you won’t be able to maintain the line you two have drawn in the sand for reasons I’ll never understand.”
“That’s not it,” he objects, quickly correcting himself. “Okay, maybe it is.” He sighs.
“You clearly have feelings for this girl. Why not do both of you a favor and tell her. If I had to guess I’d say she probably feels the same way.”
“You don’t even know her. You can’t make that assumption before you’ve even met someone.”
“Fair enough.” I nod slowly. “But I know you, kid. I know that look. This girl has got you hook, line, and sinker. Might as well make your move now rather than spending the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”
“What do you suggest I do? Walk up to her the minute she gets here and pronounce my love for her.”
“So you are in love with her.” I smirk.
“And you wonder why I called you an asshole.” He pushes away from the railing, pulling open the front door just moments later.
“Kam.” I chuckle when he throws me a glare over his shoulder before disappearing inside.
Man, that girl must have him even tighter than I realized. That only makes me even more curious about her. Kam has the attention span of a toddler. If she’s that under his skin then she must be something special. I just hope for his sake he doesn’t get hurt.
****
Present day
I don’t want to look at her. Looking at her makes me think of Kam and thinking about Kam hurts too fucking much right now. And yet I can’t stop myself from stealing glances at her out of the corner of my eye.
It’s easy to see what Kam saw in her. She’s beautiful.
Her long blonde waves are drenched, sticking to the back of her dress. Her mascara is smeared and her eyes are bloodshot, and still I think she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen up close.
I remember the first time I met her. Kam was so nervous. A semblance of a smile plays on my lips as I recall how quickly he swept her away moments after making the introduction. I had barely recovered from the shock of laying eyes on her for the first time before he was pulling her away to meet other family members and friends, clearly worried I would be an asshole to her, as he had so bluntly put it.
Of course that didn’t stop me from watching her all night. I knew she belonged to Kam. There was no question in my mind there. I could tell by the way she leaned into him every time she got the chance. By the way she looked up at him like he was the only person she could see. If Kam was worried she didn’t feel the same way his worry was definitely misplaced. It was clear to anyone who cared to look; those two were crazy about each other.
I still don’t fully understand why they never got together. It’s something I tried talking to Kam about a few times over the years but he was adamant that pursuing anything would ruin their friendship. Honestly I think he was just scared for what he felt for her. And now she’ll never know.
The thought brings everything back to the forefront of my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that Kam is gone. My brother is dead. And here I am, sitting next to the girl he secretly loved for years, wishing it was me laying in that grave and not him.
Elara shifts next to me, discreetly trying to wipe a tear away without drawing attention to herself. I catch sight of the brace on her arm, remembering that not only did she lose Kam but she was there when he died.
Fuck this was a bad idea.
My chest tightens and I feel my own emotion threatening to spill to the surface. I shake my head trying to pull myself together.
“Do you want to go somewhere?” I ask without actually meaning to.
“What?” She looks at me, her brows pulling together in confusion.
“Let’s get out of here.”
“And do what?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. Anything but this.” I gesture around us. “Why don’t we get a bite to eat?”
“I’m not hungry,” she quickly replies, turning her gaze back out to the water.
“Look, I get that we aren’t friends and that you probably don’t like me and that’s okay. But right now can we just pretend that we are? Because I don’t know about you but I could really use a friend right now.”
Her gaze slowly comes back to me as she thinks over my statement.
“Who said I didn’t like you?” I can’t help the small smile that hits my lips at the innocent way she asks the question.
“Considering you haven’t spoken to me despite seeing me multiple times over the last few days, I think you’ve made that pretty clear.”
“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I’ve just got some stuff going on in my head. Don’t take it personally.”
“So should I also not take it personally that you think I’m an asshole?” This time she pulls back a little, surprise evident on her pretty face.
“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”
“That’s not what my brother said.” I poke fun at her, needing to distract myself for a minute. To feel something other than sadness that’s been blanketing me like a second skin. “After he introduced us at the graduation party you told him he was right, that I did seem like an asshole.”
“I can’t believe he told you that.” She blinks, clearly not sure how to react.
“I think he was trying to discourage me.”
“From what?”
I almost tell her the truth. That I’d threatened Kam that if he didn’t make a move on her I would. Not that I really would have, even if Kam didn’t tell me exactly what the stunning Elara had thought of me after the party. I never would have done that to my brother. Of course I decide against telling her any of this.
“Nothing,” I finally answer, pushing up to my feet before turning to look down at her. “So what do you say?” She looks from my face to my hands that are stretched out toward her, back to my face. “Let me buy you dinner. It will make me feel a little better,” I add.
“I should try to eat something. I guess,” she finally says, reaching her uninjured hand up to take mine, allowing me to pull her to her feet.
“Anything you’re in the mood for?”
“Can we go to Zachary’s?” she asks, as she attempts to wipe the caked sand from the back of her dress before leaning over to retrieve her heels.
“The old place over on Charles Street?” I ask, waiting until she steps up next to me before turning.
“It was kind of me and Kam’s place. He would always take me there for pancakes.” She gives me a sad smile as she walks next to me.
“Zachary’s it is.” I nod. “Though I think we should probably change first.”
“Yeah.” She agrees, looking down at herself. “That’s probably a good idea.”
“I can drive you over to your place,” I offer, gesturing to my black Audi parked right to our left. “My stuff is at my parents’ anyway,” I say, knowing she lives in the apartment over her aunt’s garage next door.
“I don’t know if I should be riding in your car.” She gestures down to her wet, sand covered dress.
“It’ll be fine,” I promise, laying my hand on the small of her back as I guide her toward the car. I don’t miss the way sh
e tenses the instant the contact is made.
I get her settled into the passenger seat before crossing around the car and climbing into the driver’s side. It’s eerily quiet as we make our way down the near vacant coastline. Elara sits completely still next to me, her eyes fixed out the window.
By the time we pull into my parents’ driveway just a few short miles from the beach, I’m fully expecting her to back out. So when she exits the car, telling me she’ll be right back, I’m honestly a little surprised.
I watch her as she crosses the yard, disappearing inside the detached garage that sits to the right of the main house just moments later.
Slipping inside the front door of my parents’ house, I quietly make my way up to my old bedroom where I’ve been crashing the last few days, hoping to not draw attention to the fact that I’m here.
The last thing I want to do right now is deal with my parents. I know that sounds bad but I’m having a hard enough time dealing with this shit as it is. Having to watch my mom’s tears stream down her face on constant repeat is more than I can handle right now.
Luckily the house is quiet and I’m able to sneak into my room undetected, reminding me of all the times I’ve tiptoed into my room before, hoping mom and dad wouldn’t catch me coming home from a late night party. God that seems like a life time ago.
Quickly stripping out of my damp suit and into a pair of jeans and long sleeve shirt, I stop when I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror that hangs on the back of the door. I stand there for a long moment, realizing for the first time how much I really do look like Kam – especially wearing his hat.
“What the fuck are you doing, Thaler?” I ask out loud, pulling the Dodgers cap off my head to look at the frayed material.
This hat was Kam’s favorite. He wore it almost everywhere. I thought about putting it inside his casket but at the last minute changed my mind, deciding I wanted to hang on to it.
I’m still studying the hat, wondering how Kam would react if he knew what I was doing right now, when I catch a glimpse of Elara crossing the yard through the bedroom window. Quickly sliding the cap back on my head, I make my way downstairs, taking the steps two at a time before pushing my way outside.
The Road to You Page 3
