I’ve barely worked at the shop and I’ve barely left my house other than to come to the track and sit here in the parking lot. Everyone has been saying I’m a mess, and they’re right. It doesn’t help that some girls Quinn knew from the past were whispering behind my back the last time I attempted to go to the pub to see my brother. It’s best if I just stay away from the public right now. I can’t deal with the looks and shit-talking. Not when I’m here, doing it alone. And who knows if or when Easton will come back.
It’s been over three weeks now, and he hasn’t bothered to call or text or given us any reason to believe he will. I’m beginning to think that he won’t, and that thought completely wrecks me. I can’t even imagine the rest of my life without Easton in it. I don’t want to.
I don’t know if he thought leaving me his truck would make up for the pain he knew he was going to cause by taking off again, but I can say without a doubt that it hasn’t. His truck being here only hurts more. It’s a constant reminder that I wasn’t enough for him to come back for.
Sitting back, I lean my head against Easton’s truck seat and close my eyes as I listen to Easton’s stupid playlist for the tenth time since parking here tonight. There’s one song in particular that I’ve listened to the most. It’s the first song on the playlist, which means it’s the one he wanted me to listen to the most.
Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi.
Words can’t explain how much it hurts, knowing that this is most likely how I made him feel by pushing him away and telling him I needed time. I never meant to make him feel that way. And I never meant for him to leave. I just needed a little time to think. I thought he’d understand that after everything we’ve been through.
Clearly, I was wrong.
I’m lost in the song, tears threatening to fall when the passenger side door of the truck opens to Stiles joining me. He takes one look at my quivering bottom lip and turns the music down. “Don’t do this to yourself again, pretty girl. You’ve been here sulking almost every night.” He reaches over and pulls me to him, wrapping me in a tight hug, before speaking against my ear. “He’s coming back. Trust me.”
“How do you know that?” I question into his shoulder. “You can’t.”
He kisses the top of my head, before bringing my face up so that I’ll look at him. “I can and I do. Easton loves you. He’s not staying away forever. And if he tries, I’ll track him down and kick his ass. Then he’ll have a crooked nose to match Ben’s.”
I laugh slightly as his threat to kick Easton’s ass. “We both know you can’t kick Easton’s ass.”
He shrugs. “No, but I’d damn well try… for you.”
I smile and wipe away the stray tear that fell. “Aren’t you getting tired of taking care of me yet, Stiles? You’ve got a life to live in case you’ve forgotten.”
“I haven’t forgotten. I’ve been doing that too, babe.” He smiles and leans back in his seat. “In fact, I have plans to take a little ride on my baby tonight. It’s been a while and I’m missing her. Besides, if you’re not going to ride her, someone has to, so she doesn’t get lonely.”
“Well, you’re the perfect one to make her feel less lonely, Stiles.” I turn to face him. “Same when it comes to me. Thank you for being here for me these last few weeks. I know it hasn’t been a great time for you, but I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know. You’re a good friend.”
“Just a good one?” He offers me a full-on grin and lifts his eyebrows to be goofy.
“A great one. But don’t push it, or I’ll take it back and pretend I never said it,” I tease. “Can’t have you bragging and all.”
He grabs the back of my head and kisses me hard on the forehead. “It’s getting dark. I’ve gotta head home and find my headlamp. I plan on having a late night on the trails.” He goes to reach for the door handle but stops to look back at me. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah,” I force out. “I’ll be fine. Like you said… I’m sure Easton will be back. If not then I have you, right?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely! Always, pretty girl.” He winks and then jumps out of the truck.
After Stiles is gone, I turn the music back up and sit here for hours, not ready to go back to my empty house yet. Hope will be at the diner late, since she’s taking over for her parents and getting adjusted, and I’m not ready to sit there alone just yet.
I hate how empty it feels without Easton there.
I’m not sure how much more of him being gone I can take, but the longer he is, the angrier I become at not only him, but myself for requesting time to begin with.
If I was able to ask for something now, I’d ask for him to come back and stay… where he belongs. Where he’s always belonged.
But I’m afraid I’ll never get that chance.
Easton
Trevor is running his mouth to me about something, but everything he says goes in one ear and out the other, holding no interest to me. It’s been this way since I returned a few weeks ago. I’ve been walking around numb and checked out from reality.
“…get your ass out of bed. Pull it together, man.” Trevor yanks the blanket off my legs and walks over to open the hotel curtain. “Have you heard one word I’ve spoken since you’ve been back?”
I shield my face from the light and turn away from the window, setting my feet on the ground to grab the half-empty bottle of whiskey at my bedside. “Not really, Trevor. No. I haven’t heard shit.”
I have the cap halfway unscrewed when Trevor grabs the bottle and walks over to the sink. “Hell no. This shit ends now.” Gulping sounds of liquid pouring from the narrow bottleneck and hitting the sink basin sounds louder than it probably is, spiking my anxiety, so I run my hands over my face and lay back. “I understand you’re hurting over this chick, but you need to take care of yourself. You’re a fucking mess.”
“She’s not just some fucking chick,” I say stiffly. “Watch it.”
“That’s not what I meant…” He slams the empty bottle down and begins kicking aside my piles of dirty laundry. “Go buy yourself a new phone then so you can stop being a goddamn pussy and talk to her. I know you didn’t close up shop and give up your apartment before you left for no reason. You didn’t plan on coming back, did you?”
I shake my head and stand up, grabbing a cigarette and lighting it. “No. This place… this town… has never been home to me. I was just faking it, barely getting by day by day. This is not where I want to be.” I take a long drag from my cigarette and slowly exhale, before continuing. “But if I don’t give Dakota and her family the time they need to come to terms with us, then I might fuck it up again, and I can’t fuck it up when it comes to Dakota over being impatient. I won’t. If I have to suffer in this shitty hotel room, drinking myself into oblivion every day until I think she might be ready, then so be it. I didn’t ask you to come here. You’re more than welcome to leave.”
He shakes his head. “Clearly, you need my ass here. It’s been three weeks. You’ve barely left this hotel room, and I can’t remember the last time you looked like you showered. You’re a fucking disaster. This place is a wreck. It’s time, Easton.” He holds his phone out to me. “Check your voicemails and make a damn call before it’s too late. You might be doing more damage than good right now. Ever think about that?”
Taking another long drag off my cigarette, I stare down at his phone. There’s a chance not a single voicemail will be there from Dakota, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle that shit.
“No. Take your phone and leave me with my liquor and cigarettes. I’ll survive another week or two.” I put my smoke out and sit back down on the bed. “Close the curtains on the way out too.”
He practically shoves his phone in my face this time, letting me know he’s not giving up so easily. I don’t know whether to hit him or thank him. “Do it, man. I’m done watching you waste away in this shithole. Buzzards will soon start circulating. I was happy you were back, but I’d rather you have stayed i
f this shitty version of you is what we get. I’ll drive you back my damn self. Hell, I might even visit from time to time.”
With my jaw clenched, I stand up and grab the phone, walking away to check my voicemail. It says I have six new messages. I skip past the first three and delete them from old customers looking for somewhere new to take their bikes. The fourth one is from Stiles telling he misses me and it’s time I come back. It’s good hearing his voice, but the one I really need to hear is Dakota’s.
My heart beats faster when her voice finally comes through the phone on the fifth message. I listen with my breath held, scared of what she’ll say.
“I listened to the playlist, Easton. I’ve listened to it too many times to count. I’m done listening to it, because I can’t do it anymore.” She exhales into the phone. “You know what… Fuck you. I was sad at first, but now… now I’m just pissed. Goodbye, Easton.”
Her message ends and I feel as if I’m suffocating. I need to hear more from her. Even if it is her anger. I don’t give a shit. I just need to hear her voice. Saving her message, I impatiently wait for the next and final one, hoping it’s her.
Except it’s not. It’s Roman, and after the word funeral is spoken, I stop breathing, the phone dropping from my hand.
I stand motionless for a few minutes, unable to process what I just heard, before I lose it, breaking everything in sight. I don’t stop until everything around me has been destroyed and Trevor is attempting to hold me in place, saying shit to me that I can’t understand.
A funeral is what drove me away. Nothing is more fucked up than one bringing me back. Except this time, I don’t plan on leaving again.
I’m going home. For good.
I walk in a zombie-like state, hardly able to breathe as I make my way to the casket at the front of the room. I’m afraid to look inside—of seeing one of my best friends this way. It feels like just yesterday we were all laughing and having fun around the pool.
This was not how I expected to come back to town. A funeral. A fucking funeral. It’s only been three years since we all lost someone, and now, we’ve all lost another piece of us. A good piece. A big piece. It’s mind-numbing to say the least.
Swallowing, I take another step forward and look inside, my eyes landing on Stiles, who’s lying there with his arms across his chest. The tears I’ve been fighting so hard to hold back slide down my cheek as I reach inside and touch his megaphone that is tucked in beside him.
“I’m so sorry, man. I should’ve been here and I wasn’t. I know you tried calling, and I’m an asshole for thinking I could hide from you all for a while.” I squeeze the edge of the casket and close my eyes. “I should’ve had my damn phone to take those calls before you…” I choke up, unable to say the rest.
A hand grips my shoulder and I turn beside me to see Roman standing with his eyes closed, his head down. His face is red and his cheeks are wet from tears. Seeing him this way only makes me want to breakdown more. “Hey, man. You made it.”
“I’m sorry.” I start. “I—”
He shakes his head and squeezes my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter. You’re back now, and it’s going to stay that way. We’ve lost too much already.” He turns to face me, not bothering to wipe away the tear that slides down his face. “You belong here with us, and if you need a place to stay for a while, you know who to call.”
“Thanks,” I whisper, bringing my eyes back to Stiles. I recognize the tuxedo he’s wearing. It’s the one from Prom. “He did say he wanted to be buried in that damn tux.” A slight smile tugs at my lips. “He was serious, huh?”
“Yeah, man.” Roman smiles now too. “He loved that damn thing. Thought it made him look fly.”
“I guess he looks pretty good in it.” I swallow, my throat thick with emotion. “How’s your sister?”
“She’ll be better once she talks to you. She’s been taking it pretty tough.” He nods toward the aisle, so I walk with him, giving Stiles’ family a chance to say goodbye since they’re last to get up here. “Her and Stiles have spent a lot of time together over the last few weeks. He knew how much she was hurting without you. He barely left her side for days. He said you’d want him to take care of her for you.”
The pain in my chest intensifies, and I turn away to face the wall, needing a minute. “Fuck,” I breathe out, wiping the tears away.
“My sister said she couldn’t sit through another funeral. She was here all morning, sitting by Stiles and talking to him. But she couldn’t handle the rest. She’s supposed to meet us at the gravesite.” He grips my shoulder again and gives it a squeeze. “Let’s go, man. I think we both need some air.”
The second we step outside, I walk away and pull out a cigarette, desperate for something to calm my nerves. I pace around while smoking it, as everyone else begins piling into their vehicles for the next stop. The hardest part.
“How about this. We could both take one for Stiles.” When I turn to face him, he’s lighting up a joint and taking a hit. “I found this by my pool a few days ago.”
He passes it to me, and I take a few quick hits, passing it back. “How did it happen?”
Roman shakes his head. “I don’t know. It was just a freak accident on his ATV. He was probably high and drunk and lost control.”
“Fuck! Damn you, Stiles.” I lick my fingers and put my cigarette out, before shoving it back into the pack and looking up at the sky. The thought of him crashing has my nerves shot. “Is it cool if I ride with you?” I nod at my bike. “That’s all I have now.”
“Did you give your fucking truck to my sister?” he asks, heading to his SUV.
I nod.
“Well, shit. You really are in love with her, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Always have been. That wasn’t a lie. It’s never a lie when it comes to Dakota. She’s it for me.”
“We’ll talk about that later.”
The ride to the gravesite is mostly spent in silence, both of us needing to prepare for what’s to come next. Seeing Stiles lowered into the ground makes him being gone that much more real, and that shit is going to be hard to handle.
Once we reach the graveyard, we sit in Roman’s SUV for a few moments, waiting for everyone else to walk first. “All right. Let’s do this. We’ve put it off long enough. You ready?”
I swallow and nod, climbing out of his vehicle and shutting the door behind me. My heart races in my chest when Dakota finally comes into view. She’s standing off to the side with her parents. Her dark hair is pulled into a tight ponytail and she’s wearing a plain back dress with her black Chucks.
If I thought I couldn’t breathe before, it’s close to impossible now, after seeing her for the first time in weeks. She glances our way when we get closer, her eyes widening for a split second when she sees me, before she quickly turns away to listen to the guy speaking.
I stand back, beside Roman, my heart aching to get to Dakota. I can’t even listen to what the guy is saying, because all I can think is that she needs me right now. But even if she does need me, I don’t know if she wants me. Not after her angry message. I left my phone behind and ignored everyone for weeks. There’s a good chance it pushed her farther away just like Trevor said, instead of it doing the good I hoped it would. That thought squeezes my fucking heart, making it hurt.
My eyes stay focused on Dakota the entire time, and the moment I notice her shoulders shake, I go to her, pulling her into my arms. Fuck it. I don’t care if she doesn’t want me.
My hands wrap into the back of her hair as I hold her against my chest, her tears soaking my dress shirt. She hesitates for a few moments, as if considering pushing me away, before wrapping her arms around me and crying even harder. She’s crying so hard it sounds like she can’t breathe, and I hate it.
“It’s okay,” I whisper against the top of her head, holding her as tightly as I can, my hands shaking. “I’m here, Kota. I’m sorry for leaving. I thought it’s what you wanted. I’m here now.”
I feel s
omeone grip my shoulder and turn beside me to see Kevin nod in greeting, before backing away to give us space. I haven’t seen or talked to the Brooks since the whole town found out about me and Dakota, and to be honest, the idea of them hating me has eaten me up inside since the day I took off. They’ve always been family to me. I’m not sure how they feel about me right now, but if they hate me, I’ll need to fix that too. Right now, it’s Dakota I’m worried about.
She may be letting me hold her for the moment, but once we walk away today and her emotions calm, who knows how she’ll react.
She allows me to hold her for a few minutes before she places her hands against my chest and puts some space between us. When her eyes meet mine, my whole world stops. It feels like ages since I’ve looked into them, even though it’s been less than a month. “I’m glad you made it. Stiles would be happy,” is all she says before walking over to loop her arm through Hope’s.
I stand here, keeping my eyes on her, unable to look anywhere else for the rest of the burial. She’s the only thing keeping me together right now. Dakota is the only thing that’s ever been capable of keeping me together when I feel like falling apart.
“Come on, man.” Roman’s hand grips my shoulder. “The crew is headed to the pub to have a shot in memory of one of Stiles’ favorite things.” When I stand here staring at Dakota, he slaps my back. “Don’t worry about Dakota. She’ll be there. It was her idea to begin with.”
I nod and pull my gaze away from Dakota long enough to follow Roman to his SUV, stopping to look at her one last time before hopping in and shutting the door.
The ride to the pub is silent, both of us too emotional for small talk. It’s hard to imagine a world without Stiles in it. Just thinking about how he won’t be around anymore to pop up out of nowhere with a trayful of shots to brighten up everyone’s night makes my chest feel tight.
Wreck My World Page 31
