by Nisioisin
The man seemed to look straight through me, and even appeared to have a slight grin on his face. And together with that gigantic cross on his shoulder, he approached me.
He looked exactly as he’d been described to me.
That man─was Episode.
The man who took Kissshot’s left leg from her.
“Wh-What should I─”
Then, from behind─
I didn’t know since when, but a man wearing priestly robes who looked almost docile, at least compared to the two to my front, was following me. His hair brought to mind a hedgehog, but that was the only part of him that signaled danger, and his demeanor seemed downright peaceful. I couldn’t tell what lay hidden in his eyes, so narrow that I could barely tell whether they were open or shut, and at the very least, unlike the other two, he had nothing, be it greatsword or cross, that smacked of a weapon─but that seemed to be the most notable aspect of this priestly man of all. For despite his appearance, he’d taken twice as many parts from Kissshot as the other two.
The priestly man, with his unassuming face and empty hands, closed in on me at a natural pace.
He looked exactly as he’d been described to me.
That man─was Guillotine Cutter.
The man who took Kissshot’s right and left arms─both of them─from her.
“Heck, there isn’t anything I could do!”
Experts at slaying vampires.
Dramaturgy, Episode, Guillotine Cutter.
The three men were converging─on me.
It was as if the forked road had been placed there for this exact moment.
There was nowhere to run. I was a trapped rat.
“Whaa? For real? Gotta love it.”
The first to speak was the man shouldering the gigantic cross─Episode.
True to his appearance, his speech was a jumble.
“Ma-a-an, it isn’t Heartunderblade. Who is this guy?”
“■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■”
So replied the hulking man─Dramaturgy─to Episode, ignoring me though I was caught between the two. His tone seemed stern and wholly solemn, but I wasn’t able to make out his words.
While it surely wasn’t out of consideration for me, the priestly man to my back─Guillotine Cutter─said, “Now, now, Mister Dramaturgy.” His voice was gentle. “Speak the language of the land you’re in. That should go without saying.”
“…ck.”
I made to look behind me, then realized that would mean turning my back on Dramaturgy and Episode. I was unable to move.
Guillotine Cutter, like the other two, paid me little heed and continued, “But it does seem to be the case, Mister Dramaturgy. I dare say─no, I’m certain─that this young man must be Miss Heartunderblade’s thrall.”
“Seriously?” muttered Episode, his displeasure evident. “I thought that vampire had a notion about not creating thralls?”
“She did create just one in the past, I’ve been told.”
“■■■…, perhaps, we drove her to have no other choice…but to create an underling to act as her arms and legs,” Dramaturgy said, now in Japanese.
With his body that looked like a mound of muscle, I’d assumed he was a meathead…but he hit the mark when it came to what I was.
“Are you tellin’ me,” Episode said, the grin still on his face, the giant cross swaying on his shoulder, “the whereabouts of Heartunderblade, which we’ve had so much trouble ferreting out what with her faded presence, is something we can just beat out of this kid’s body?”
“That would seem to be the case,” Guillotine Cutter callously seconded Episode’s menacing words─and Dramaturgy joined them with hopeful ones of his own.
“We’d better receive a separate bounty for slaying this boy in addition to Heartunderblade.”
What had I been expecting?
Overlook me because I was a former human, after all? How could I ever think that? It went beyond wishful thinking.
From the outset, they were treating me like I was nothing. Ignoring me the whole while.
They didn’t recognize me as a living thing. My very existence seemed to count for nothing.
It was Guillotine Cutter who said, “Hmph. What to do? It will take a bit of work if we’re to take Episode’s suggestion and learn Miss Heartunderblade’s whereabouts from this boy.”
“I got this. Whoever smelt it dealt it,” Episode said, laughing. “I’ll kill him without doing any permanent damage.”
“No, let me,” Dramaturgy chimed in. “I’m the most suitable one for tasks like these. I get along best with vampires.”
“I don’t particularly mind doing it, either,” Guillotine Cutter put himself forward too, albeit in a modest manner. “The two of you must be tired.”
“D-Don’t be talking crap!”
Gathering up my courage─I yelled. Not to any one of the three in particular. Avoiding eye contact, I yelled.
“Y-You guys, try to talk things out with me or something─don’t be going straight into how you’ll put me down… I’m a human, okay?! Are you gonna murder a human?”
“……”
“……”
“……”
While it was only for a moment, they went silent. It made me think my words must have gotten across to them.
But─that was all.
While my words may have gotten across, their meaning didn’t. Not one of them attempted to respond to me.
“Why don’t we do this the usual way,” Dramaturgy said.
“’Kay. So first takes it?” Episode said.
“Very well. Fair competition provides a chance for all of us to hone our skills,” Guillotine Cutter said.
And then─nearly simultaneously─the three vampire hunters leapt toward me where I stood in the center of the forked road. It was probably only thanks to my vampire eyesight that I saw their movements. Not only could I see through darkness, my eyes had incredible dynamic vision─but.
What good was being able to see them?
What could I possibly do?
“A…Aaaaaaaahhh!!”
The course of action I took was, in most likelihood, the most idiotic one conceivable. That’s to say, holding my head in my hands, I curled my back and crouched down to the ground. I ditched offense, but nor was this defense─my stance was an attempt to escape reality.
It was impossible.
Of course it was.
What was I even thinking?
I wasn’t the protagonist of some manga or movie or game─I was a mere high school student, so why was I out trying to fight vampire hunters?
What was this, some superpowered school action series? Of course I couldn’t win.
So what if I’d been able to punch through a concrete wall? So what if I was able to jump high and move fast? What good would those powers do me?
Like I said, I’d never even been in a fight before─I had no one to fight with! I didn’t know any martial arts or anything!
God damn it.
I’d already thrown my life away. Given it to Kissshot.
So then─why was I clinging to it so dearly now?!
“──ck!”
………!
………, ……….
Yet…
No matter how much time went by─no matter how long I waited─none of the three began to rain down attacks on me.
What now─were they going to toy with me? Or was I so pathetic that they were stunned? Did I kill the mood by─no, of course not.
They weren’t going to toy with me. I barely registered as there in their eyes. Which is why I lifted my face, buried in my knees─and peeked up.
And then.
“…Ha hah!”
I heard an easygoing laugh.
“You’re in the dead center of a residential area…and yet you’d swing swords and hammer down with a cross and say menacing things? You three sure are spirited.”
Catching both of Dramaturgy’s wavy greatswords, one between the index and middle fingers, the other between the ring finger and pinky of his right hand─
Receiving Episode’s gigantic cross with the sole of his right foot like it was all in a day’s work─
Suppressing Guillotine Cutter’s nimble move with an outstretched left hand, without even touching─
Who was he?
Some older guy just passing by.
Still standing on one foot, he asked, “Something good happen to you three?”
006
Mèmè Oshino.
That was the name given by the dude passing by.
I thought it was a ridiculous name, but there was no way I could tell him that, what with him saving my life.
Even if he did seem sketchy.
Even if he was wearing a psychedelic Hawaiian shirt.
He had saved my life─so I shouldn’t say such things.
………
But whatta sleazy-looking dude.
“Umm… Oshino?”
I didn’t know whether to call him Mister Oshino, and if I should be more polite in general. I may have owed him my life, but I had no idea who or what he was, so I wasn’t stooping to stooping.
Friend or foe? Even if he’d saved me, I wasn’t sure yet.
Though I’m sure “stooping to stooping” is an odd turn of phrase.
Nonetheless─I did express my gratitude.
“Thanks, you saved me.”
“No need for thanks. You saved yourself, Araragi,” Oshino said nonchalantly.
He didn’t seem to be taking this very seriously.
In fact, neither did those three─as soon as Oshino got in the way of their initial attacks, all three quickly turned back the way they came, as though they’d decided to beforehand.
They had disappeared before I knew it. Without so much as a parting threat.
While I wasn’t able to fulfill my goal of recovering Kissshot’s limbs, my life did seem to be intact.
Just as long as this Hawaiian-shirted man─Mèmè Oshino─wasn’t my enemy…or Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade’s.
“Still, Koyomi Araragi─the name fits you. Nice and dramatic. Ha hah, but those three really don’t pause to think, do they? No one with ordinary nerves would get down to it right here without putting up a barrier first. They must really be going places.”
“……”
“Oh, don’t be so guarded, Araragi. Your eyes are glaring. So spirited. Something good happen to you today?”
As Oshino said this, he pulled a cigarette out from the chest pocket of his Hawaiian shirt and stuck it in his mouth─I was convinced that he’d come up with a lighter next, but he didn’t, simply leaving the cigarette there unlit.
“Anyway, Araragi, let’s go home for now.”
“Home?”
“That abandoned cram school.”
He said it like it was nothing, then began to walk. I reflexively called out to his back.
“H-Hold on a minute, how do you know?”
“Huh? Why wouldn’t I? I was the one who told that girl about the place.”
The guy let drop incredible stuff like it was normal.
Whaat?
True, I’d wondered how Kissshot had been able to find such a place, but…he was the one who told her?
“Well, I was merely doing the right thing. That girl─Heartunderblade─seemed to be in quite a bit of trouble dragging your body around, so I told her about a good spot.”
“Do you and Kissshot…know each other?”
“……?”
Rather than respond to my question, Oshino squinted at me as if my very choice of words was dubious.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing. So you call her Kissshot.”
“Huh? Yeah.”
“As you heard with those three, most call her Heartunderblade…but I guess you don’t, Araragi.”
“Yeah…it’s too long, isn’t it?” What was this about? It bugged me. “It’s not like there’s a correct way to refer to her, is there?”
“Well, you’re right. And if she made you her thrall, then I guess it’s not too strange. Regardless of what regular vampires may do, she─Heartunderblade─is a legendary vampire. The aberration slayer, the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, yet cold-blooded vampire─”
“Vampire… So you know.”
On further thought, it was awfully late of me to be saying this. It was clear from how he’d appeared out of nowhere and easily blocked the trio’s attacks.
“Who are you?”
“Me? At times a mysterious vagabond, at times a mysterious traveler, at times a mysterious wanderer, at times a mysterious troubadour, and at times a mysterious nomad of the high sort.”
Mysterious all the way through.
“A lot of times, a chorus of a woman’s lowest vocal range.”
“A lot… altogether, alto?”
“All too…”
“You didn’t think this out, did you?”
Oshino shrugged in a display of irresponsibility and said, coolly, “I’m just a dude passing by.”
Yep. He was sleazy.
“That’s how it was today─and the other day too. I was just passing by when I saw Heartunderblade in trouble. Don’t worry. I’m not a expert at slaying vampires or anything.”
“……”
Could I believe him?
No, that wasn’t it.
I could only believe him, I had no choice.
“Though I’m no amateur, my specialty is broader. People have me do a wide variety of things. But introductions can wait until later. Let’s go back for now, Araragi.”
In the end, I did as Oshino said. I went back to the abandoned cram school with him. There was still technically a possibility that he’d turn out to be a vampire-slaying expert who was after Kissshot. To say the least, however, he knew about the cram school Kissshot was hiding out in and could have gone straight there instead of wandering the streets.
That is, if he were an expert vampire slayer working separately from the three. Slaying her couldn’t be hard then, given Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade’s weakened state.
When I looked at it that way, Oshino was no simple enemy. Though he didn’t seem like a simple ally, either.
“Ah! Ye’re back!”
Oshino and I wasted time on pointless chat (truly pointless, like about old anime. The conversation made me certain that friend or foe, I didn’t need to use honorifics with him), and after about an hour’s walk, we arrived at the abandoned school. Once we reached its second floor, Kissshot was there to greet me with a big smile on her face as if she had been eagerly awaiting my return.
Ack. The woman hadn’t realized her strategic blunder yet… Awkward!
“Hm? Who is that behind thee? I do seem to recall his face.”
“I can’t believe you. Is that all I am to you?” Oshino chuckled. “I’m the one who told you about this secret base in the first place, Heartunderblade─my little aberration slayer.”
“Ah…right. From then,” Kissshot nodded.
Hmm.
It didn’t seem to be a lie after all─Oshino really had met her that night. So it could be true as well that she learned about this abandoned building from him.
“And?” she asked, cutting off the conversation with Oshino as if she was completely uninterested in him─and addressing me.
