“I really have to go.” Shutting off the light in my bedroom, I step past Olivia and rush down the staircase, grabbing my keys from the kitchen counter. “Call me tomorrow.”
“Right, yeah.” Sounding defeated, Olivia pulls my front door open and steps outside.
“How did you find me?” I ask, my voice softening.
“Your mom gave me your address.”
“Of course, she did.” I roll my eyes. “She always did have a soft spot for you.”
“And so did you at one time.” Turning her back on me, my ex-girlfriend disappears down the street, the cool chill in the air causing my eyes to water.
Olivia’s scent enveloping me as the cool breeze whirls around me, I release a deep sigh and steady myself against the iron railing outside the front of my home. The woman I’m watching walk away has been on my mind for what feels like a lifetime, but her showing up here has totally thrown me. I’ve wanted nothing more than for this moment to arrive, but now that it has, I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m angry with her. I’m angry with myself. I know it will subside, but right now…in this moment, I don’t feel the love I’ve felt for Olivia since I arrived here. I feel hurt. I feel agitated.
I may want that love we once shared, but the way in which she has flown to London after six months of silence…no, I don’t like it. I don’t like how she has expected me to just be here and ready to take her back. A relationship works both ways and Olivia made it clear that I was to come here and she was to stay in the US.
She made it so clear that the morning I was leaving, I waited in the departure lounge and prayed that she would show, but she didn’t. She didn’t and it killed me inside. It made me question whether anything we ever shared was real. How do you not say goodbye to the woman you love? How does anyone do that?
Whatever her reasons, they’re hers. Regardless of whether Olivia is here or not right now, I have a girlfriend and I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to do what she asked of me…and live my best life. I’m trying, but I can feel myself failing already.
Where the hell do I go from here?
Chapter Two
Olivia
Seeing Mati last night brought back every feeling I ever had for her. Feeling’s I tried hard to suppress. The feeling’s that have not lessened over time. Feeling’s I’ve wanted to act on since she boarded that plane and left for London. That moment when I knew she had gone, it broke my heart. The thought of never seeing her again. Never touching her again. It became too much and I knew I had to be with her. I knew that no matter how much I loved running my design company from the US, Mati would always come first. She would always be the one my heart ached for. Who my body craved.
Waking up without those greyish blue eyes beside me. That one dimple to the right of her gorgeous lips when she smiled. Knowing I wouldn’t have Mati beside me…it hurt more than I ever imagined. It hurt, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to just drop everything and be with her. In another country. Another world. Another lifetime. At least, that is how it felt to me.
Leaving my mom, I just couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t think about the possibility of uprooting everything I’d ever known for a place in London. I mean, what is so special about this city? It’s just a place. It’s nothing special. Before Mati came here, it was simply a place on the map. Now, though? Now, London means everything to me. Why? Because it’s where I should be. It’s where Mati is. Her smile. Her infectious laugh. Her soft hands and her distinct voice. Mati is here and that makes London the go-to destination for me.
Maybe I’m hoping for a miracle, but it’s all I have left to hold onto. I don’t have a life back in Los Angeles anymore. Yes, my home was with Mati in Chicago, but LA was the place I called home. My home…no longer exists. Nothing exists if I don’t have my girlfriend in my life.
She isn’t mine anymore. I would do well to remember that.
I received a message from Mati around midnight and waiting until this morning to see her has been hard. My body clock is working overtime right now, but I would stop everything for her if it means I can talk to her. If it means I can have her attention on me, then yes…I will agree to any plans she has.
I’m sitting outside a quirky coffee shop off the high street and the more I take in my surroundings, the more I could get used to living here. Maybe there is something appealing about London. Maybe I should’ve seen that before Mati left. I don’t know, but I’m desperately praying that our meeting this morning will come to something. What that something is, I don’t know…but she has asked me to meet with her before she begins work, so that’s something, right?
It must be. My being here must mean something to the one woman who doesn’t owe me anything at all. I don’t deserve her time, I get that. Mati isn’t that kind of person, though. She doesn’t hold grudges and she doesn’t cut people out of her life. No, that’s my kind of thing.
Sitting up a little better in my seat as I watch Mati approaching, I take in her absolute beauty and try to swallow the lump I can feel forming in my throat. She looks amazing, but she always did. Her blonde hair falling just below her shoulder, the perfect hint of wave evident, I train my eyes on her single dimple as she acknowledges someone she passes by.
“Hi.” Mati drops down into the seat facing me. “Sorry, I’m late.”
“You’re not.” I wave off her apology. “I’m early.”
“Right, yeah.” Mati glances at her watch. “So, did you find your way here okay?”
“Seems I did, yes.” A slight nod in agreement from me, Mati sits back in her seat and toys with the coffee cup in front of her. “I picked the Latte for you…”
“Thanks.” She gives me the slightest hint of a smile.
“You look good.” I smile. I don’t know what else to say to her. I may be sitting mere inches from her, but I’ve never felt so detached from another person as I do right now.
“Um, thanks.” She takes her coffee cup between her lips and trains her eyes on the park across the street from us. “You look good, too.”
“So, uh…have you been up to much?”
“Nope.” She sighs as she sets her cup down. “Nothing at all.”
“Oh.” My forehead crinkles. “You’re doing okay, though?”
“Now, yes.” Mati nods in agreement. “Keeping busy with assignments.”
“Seems like the ideal place for your awesome work.”
“Okay, enough.” Mati holds up her hand. “Is the unnecessary conversation really required here, Olivia?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you here?”
“I miss you.” My voice breaking, I clear my throat of any emotion and try again. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“You don’t miss me.” Mati disagrees. “You just miss having someone.” Attempting to stand, I grip her wrist.
“Please don’t leave.”
“You really need to give me something to work with here, Liv.” She sighs. “I’m not prepared to sit here and make meaningless conversation with you for the sake of it.”
“I-I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did.” Mati studies my face. “You know, I didn’t think it would hurt so much when you left. When you told me to go. I thought I would just wind up here and everything would work itself out. I thought you would show up and everything would be okay.”
“I wanted to.”
“Yeah, I don’t think you did.” Mati gives me a sympathetic smile. “I thought I had a future with you. I thought we couldn’t be broken. I was so in love with you, Olivia.”
“Mati, please…” I beg. “We do have a future.”
“No, we don’t.” She shakes her head, my heart breaking. “The only thing I’ve wanted since I left Chicago is you. You are all I’ve thought about. I realize now that it wasn’t the same for you. You clearly didn’t feel the same way.”
“I did…I do.” I say with certainty. “There are things you need to know but I really don’t want
to do it here.”
“Look, I’m happy to see you and you look great, but I’m involved.”
My heart sinking into the pit of my stomach, her words hit me like a freight train. She’s involved? Someone else has her. How? How the hell did we come to this?
“I need you in my life, Mati.” My emotions getting the better of me, I glance up and find a void in those eyes that once held a world of love for me.
“And I needed you, but you weren’t there.” Mati pushes her coffee cup away. “I needed you when I lay awake for nights…months on end. I needed you when I felt alone. You just, you never showed.” She stands. “You know, sometimes I wondered if you were even alive. When I called and got nothing, I wondered. When I texted, I wondered. Then I realized that you had moved on and you had removed me from your life. Just when I’m about to do the same, you show up here and demand I take you back.” Laughing, Mati shakes her head. “You know what hurts more than anything?”
“W-What?”
“The day I left Chicago…you didn’t even come to say goodbye.”
“God, I messed this up, didn’t I?” I bury my face in my hands.
“You did…but you were doing what was best for you.” Mati gives me one of her beautiful smiles. “You told me a long time ago that you would be wherever I was…but in that moment, it wasn’t what you wanted and that is okay Liv.” She stands. “It’s okay because people change…life changes. One thing I’ve learned from all of this is to never take someone’s promises or words to heart. It only leaves you disappointed.”
My heart stopping as Mati leans down and presses a kiss below my ear, my eyes close and her scent sends a shiver down my spine. Did I really expect to come here and just take Mati back? Was I really that stupid to ever think that she would be available six months on? I was a fool to ever come here. I ruined everything we had and as I watch her walk away, that confident sway causing me to smile, I know that it can never be repaired. No matter how much I need her.
***
I’ve been pacing Mati’s street for the last thirty minutes and I still cannot bring myself to knock on her front door. I was originally coming here this evening to try to talk to her once more but the longer I’ve sat with my thoughts throughout the day, the more I’ve come to realize that I have to let her go. I don’t want to, but my actions have hurt her more than I thought they would and I know she can never trust me again.
Everything she said to me at the coffee shop this morning was totally right. She did need me. She needed me here with here and honestly, there is no reason why I couldn’t have done that for her. I mean, six months is way too long. I always promised her that we would take life together and when things changed, I stood back and left her to go it alone. Who does that to the woman they love? Who makes promises only to back out when uncertainty sets in?
Yes, I was scared about the move. Yes, I don’t like change. Was that enough to lose her, though? No. No matter how much I try to make sense of my decision to stay, I still come up blank. I still feel as though I let her down. My reasons for waiting so long are valid, to an extent, but I was supposed to leave with her. Not come after her.
Wrapping my jacket around me tighter, I release a deep breath and approach my ex-girlfriend’s home. Mati is everything I’ve ever needed in my life, but she has gone it alone and she is doing it exactly how she wants to. I’m happy for her and her own happiness is the most important thing to me, but I wish I was here with her to watch her grow. I wish I was the one waking up beside her every morning. I had that opportunity and I messed it up…so, I’m here to explain everything and then I’m gone. From London and from her life.
Curling my hand into a fist, I knock loudly on the pale green door in front of me and wait patiently for a response. Mati may not even be home but I couldn’t sit around in my hotel room any longer. The desperate need to say what I have to say was slowly killing me and I fear I would’ve backed out and left had I not made my way here when I did.
The sound of shuffling behind the door alerting me to the fact that someone is home, I hold my breath and shove my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.
“Hey!” That signature smile fading from Mati’s lips, she furrows her brow. “You’re not-“
“Oh.” My eyes widen. “I’m sorry.” Taking a step back, I can see the disappointment in her dull blue eyes. “You were expecting your girlfriend…I’ll go.”
“I was expecting pizza, that’s all.” Mati shrugs as she leans against the frame of the door. “What can I do for you?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“We talked this morning.” Mati focuses her eyes on the space between us. “I thought we’d pretty much covered everything that needed to be said.”
“N-No, we didn’t.” I disagree. “Do you just have five minutes, please?”
Giving me a slight nod, Mati steps away from the door and motions for me to come inside. Knowing that this is my goodbye, I close my eyes and give myself a moment to compose myself.
“I wanted to come back…I-I was coming back.” I rush out my words before my ex-girlfriend has the opportunity to crush my heart any more than it already has been. “I was at the airport.”
“But you never came, Olivia.” She sighs. “You didn’t even call me. When you left, you didn’t call me, not once.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for that.” I move a little closer to Mati but she backs away. “Please don’t do that.” My voice breaks. “Please don’t back away from me.”
“We aren’t doing this, Liv.” Mati gives me a hard stare. “We aren’t anything anymore.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I cry, tears falling freely down my face. “Don’t you think I know I messed this all up when I left you alone?”
“Well, I thought you did but you are still standing here right now trying to get me back.”
“Because I need you. I need you in my life, Mati.” Reaching out my hand, I take a hold of her and she tries to resist. “If this…us, is never going to happen again, you have to know one thing. You have to know how much you mean to me.” My thumb trails her knuckles. “I’ll say it and then I’ll walk away.”
“Okay.” Mati agrees, her voice cold. “Say what it is you have to say.”
“Look, I know I messed up by ever allowing you to do this alone. I know I should’ve come with you but I didn’t. I cannot change that no matter how much I want to.” I squeeze her hand. “You, though…you are the only thing I have in my life right now. Whether you see that or not, and whether you care or not, you are.”
“But I’m not in your life, Liv.” Mati sighs. “You didn’t want me in your life.”
“Every day, I thought about you.” I close my eyes, fresh tears threatening to fall. “I thought about calling, texting, but what I wanted more than anything was to just show up here and hope that you would forgive me. I wanted to step on that plane, come to London, and never let you go.” My eyes opening, Mati is looking at me with confusion. “When I woke, you were on my mind. When I cried, you were on my mind. My world has been turned upside down and I know that I have to deal with that alone. I know it isn’t your problem and that is why I didn’t contact you…but I was wrong.” I sigh. “I was so wrong about everything. I needed you. I needed your presence. Your calm. Your smile. It was the only thing that kept me going. That smile.” Lifting her hand, I press a kiss to Mati’s skin. “I should’ve called and I will be forever sorry that I didn’t, but you have to know, Mati, that if I’ve learned anything these past six months…it is to never let the one person who means the world to you go. I know you don’t want this anymore and that is okay. I don’t deserve you after the way I’ve treated you.”
“Oliv-“
“No. Hear me out.” My eyes beg my ex-girlfriend and she simply nods. “I know how I feel about you, and I’ve been stupid to wait so long to come back, but you are the only person I thought about the entire time I was back home.” My heart is aching to be held by Mati but that isn’t our thing a
nymore. “The day I stood in that airport, three weeks after you had flown to London, I was happy. I knew we would work this out and I knew that I would have a future with you because I was coming to you. I was so coming to you, Mats.”
“I-I can’t do this.”
“The moment my cell rang, I thought about you. The moment I answered that call, I thought about you. As I watched them lowers my mother’s body into the ground, I thought about you…and I knew right then how stupid I’d been in ever leaving you.” I’m struggling to look at her right now. “You know how much I love you, Mati. You know that you are my world. My mom dying completely crushed me, though. It tore my world apart and I didn’t have you by my side. My biggest regret in life is not having you by my side.”
“I-I.”
“No, you don’t have to say anything.” I release her hand from my grip. “I’ve said what I needed to say and you finally know the truth. Now, I will walk away because that is what we agreed.” I move towards the door. “I know I took up a little longer than five minutes, but you had to know how I felt.”
“Wait.” Mati’s voice trembles, her eyes filled with sympathy. I don’t want sympathy, though. It isn’t why I’m here. I just needed her to know that it wasn’t as simple as showing up here months ago. I wish I could’ve, but it wasn’t possible.
“No, I really should go.” Giving her the best smile I possibly can, I lean in and press a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you for hearing me out, Mati.” My thumb trails her jawline. “I want so much happiness for you, and I know you will find that here. Y-You have found that here.”
“Olivia…” Her voice barely above a whisper, I shake my head and finalize our conversation.
“I never stopped loving you, okay?”
Unable to watch Mati any longer, I turn my back and head down the street. The light drizzle that is falling around me is comforting in some way but nothing could ever be as comforting as Mati’s arms around me. Her love for me filtering through my body. I may have just let her go for the final time, but it was the right thing to do. She may have been mine at one time, but she is involved and in love with someone else. I would never take that away from her.
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 2
