“You know I want a life with you…but things are different now.”
“I get that.” She sips her wine, those incredible eyes watching me.
“I mean…” Sighing, I toy with the wine glass in my hand. “I’m in recovery for my depression. Some days it’s good, but others…not so much.”
“Okay.” Mati nods.
“What I’m saying is…if I become a little distant, it isn’t anything to worry about. I mean, it’s not you, okay?”
“Right.” She agrees with a slight nod of the head. “I want to be here for you, Olivia. You know that, right?”
“I do.” A small smile curling on my mouth, Mati takes my hand and squeezes it tight. “And thank you. For not kicking me out of your life.”
“I tried to,” Mati admits. “I tried to remove you…but you’re not one I could ever forget.”
I’m not sure she realizes how much I appreciate her honesty, but I do. It is important to me and essential in my recovery. I know none of this is on her, but knowing I have her support is paramount to getting my life back on track. I just hope she knows that when I’m having a bad day. A bad day which usually involves drinking and sleeping the evening away.
“God, I’ve missed you.” My eyes trailing Mati’s face, a slight blush creeps up her neck.
“I can’t say I imagined this being how I finished my week.”
“No.” I smile, my gaze dropping between us. “But I’m happy I’m here.”
“Me too.”
Chapter Five
Mati
Last night was incredible. Not only did I have Olivia over at my place, but it didn’t end in disaster. I thought it would. When I sat around waiting for her to show at my place, I knew there was every possibility that our evening would end abruptly. Not because either of us wanted that, but because I don’t know what to expect from Olivia or the relationship I hope will resume.
Are things going to return to normal? Are we just going to pick up where we left off? I don’t know and that is what I’m wary about. I’m wary about the fact that she is so fragile right now that I’ll do or say something I shouldn’t. Something I will come to regret. It isn’t my intention to say anything hurtful, but our relationship is very up and down right now. I think Olivia sees that too.
Of course, I want everything to return to normal. You know, kinda like it never happened. I know that isn’t possible, though. I know that a huge void was created between us and now it is time to try and bridge that gap. I don’t lay any blame on Olivia. Not after hearing her reasons for not calling. She was taking care of things at home and that is all there is to it. I’m not about to turn this into something more than it needs to be…it isn’t necessary. Not at all.
Climbing from my bed, my head doesn’t feel great but we consumed a little more wine than I expected us to last night. My only relief right now is that I’ve woken alone and without my clothes strewn across the bedroom. I won’t lie, I wanted to kiss Olivia, but I’m trying to take this at the right pace. I’m trying to do the right thing and not move this along too quickly.
It isn’t what Olivia needs right now, and I’m partial to a growing relationship, even if we’ve been here before. Nothing means more to me than to know a person before I climb into bed with them. If that connection isn’t there, I cut them loose.
Taking the staircase, a little slower than I usually would, I’m relieved to find a pot of fresh coffee waiting for me, courtesy of Beth. Pouring a healthy measure into the cup already waiting for me, I inhale the aroma and smile to myself. If I’m being honest, I wanted Olivia to stay over last night but she didn’t give me the impression that she wanted to. I’m not offended by that, not at all…I just wish I could be more flirtatious with her. You know, go back to our old behavior. When we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. Be more direct with what I want.
Lifting my cell from the spot on the counter where I left it last night, my heart beats that little bit harder in my chest and a smile settles on my mouth.
Good morning. Thank you for an awesome evening. Liv x
Anytime. Mati x
Rounding the kitchen island, I drop down onto the couch and wrap my hands around my cup. My cell safely away in the pocket of my pajama shorts, I give myself a moment to wake up before I even think about making plans for the day. A lazy day. I want a lazy day.
Maybe Olivia wants a lazy day, too. Maybe she wants to relax and spend a little more time with me. Taking my cell from my shorts, I pull up our recent conversation and hit the screen.
Are you busy today? Mati x
Setting my cell down beside me, I pray that my ex-girlfriend come potential girlfriend doesn’t blow me off. I really don’t need that to happen today. Despite the hangover I can feel approaching, I’ve woken in a pretty great mood. Olivia being here would make my day complete, though. There are no two ways about that.
No plans. Thinking of ordering in and lounging all day. Liv x
Smiling, I hit reply and relax back into the couch.
Crazy. I was thinking of doing the exact same thing. Mati X
It is the weekend after all. Indulge a little. Liv X
Maybe I could indulge with you? Mati x
I may be pushing it a little but if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Mom always raised me with that belief and I don’t feel like it is about to let me down.
That would be nice. What time? Liv x
Whatever time you choose to dress and head over here. Mati x
Give me an hour? Liv x
Sounds perfect to me. Mati x
Figuring I should probably make myself look a little more presentable, I climb from my couch and head for the staircase. My coffee firmly in my grasp, I finish off the remainder of it and set my cup down on the kitchen counter. I’d usually spend my entire morning drinking coffee, but I don’t have time right now.
Olivia will be here before too long and I need to remind her why she was ever attracted to me to begin with. Sure, she doesn’t care how I look, but I do. Half dead and smelling not too desirable isn’t on my agenda for the day so a shower is my first choice, followed by making myself look like something that resembles a human being.
My brow furrowed as my cell buzzes in my pocket, I take it in my hand and accept the call coming through.
“H-Hello?”
“Hey, it's only me.”
Yeah, it's her. It’s Olivia.
“You okay?” I ask. “Just…I wasn’t expecting a call from you.”
“I’m okay.” She reassures me. “I just needed to hear your voice.”
“That’s sweet…but why?”
“To remind myself why I’m here.” Olivia sighs. “To remind myself exactly what I have right now.”
“Are you okay?” Olivia’s voice is close to breaking and it saddens me. “We don’t have to hang out today if it’s too much for you.”
“N-No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I ask, confusion evident in my voice.
“Just…having a bad day, I guess.”
“I’ll be waiting for you, okay?”
“Could I maybe get a hug from you when I arrive?”
“I got all the hugs in the world ready and waiting for you…”
Our call ending, I glance down at the screen and sigh. I don’t want Olivia to feel this way. It’s one thing to feel shitty about your life, but to feel that way in another country…no. No, it doesn’t help.
I guess it’s time to step this up and show her I’m here. Completely.
***
I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one you feel when you don’t quite know what to expect. I should know what to expect, though. I know Olivia. I know her better than anyone. I know her routine and what she likes. I used to know her plans better than she did herself. It was a common occurrence to receive a call from her asking what the rest of her day involved, and that didn’t happen for the sake of it. It happened because I was interested in her life. Her routine. I knew i
t all…because I loved her and I had her back.
Now, though? Now I feel like I don’t know her at all. I feel like she is going to walk through my door and be a totally different person to who she was last night. I can deal with that but I hate seeing her so hurt. So down. So…not herself.
She’s bubbly. Perky, even. She doesn’t allow life to get her down or cry her days away. Olivia is the very essence of happiness. She always was. I guess life gets to everyone at some point in their lives, though. I guess it’s her time to need a shoulder. An ear. Someone who can hold her at the lowest times of her life. I should’ve been there long ago, but I wasn’t and I can't help the slight tinge of guilt I feel about that.
Shouldn’t I have known? Shouldn’t I have felt her loneliness? Her hurt? Shouldn’t I have stayed and tried to work things out back home with her before I upped and left…taking our life and our relationship with me? I feel like I should have but I cannot change that. I cannot change any of our past, but I can be here for her. I can be here, fully present, and supporting Olivia whenever she needs it.
Glancing out of the window, waiting for Olivia, I find her crossing my streets, her arms wrapped around her gorgeous body. The one I used to hold. The one I used to wake beside every morning. The one that once belonged to me. Approaching my front door, I pull it open and watch Olivia close the distance between us.
“Hey.” I give her a sympathetic smile. “You look tired.”
“I am.” She gives me the slightest of smiles. “I don’t think I’ll be much fun to be around today.”
“Good thing I wasn’t looking for fun then, huh?”
“I missed you last night…” Her words low, she stifles a yawn and steps inside my home. “Sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for?” I ask, my forehead creasing.
“Just…sometimes I feel like I’m going to say too much.” Shrugging, Olivia moves further inside, her entire body weary.
“You say whatever is on your mind.” I pull Olivia into a hug. “I’m not worried.”
“I don’t want you to run…”
“That isn’t going to happen, okay?”
“You say that.” Olivia sighs. “But when you see what I’ve become, you will run. I know you will.”
“Maybe we could just take it one step at a time…and you allow me to be here for you?” Arching my eyebrow, Olivia studies my face before nodding in agreement. “Good…now, sit.”
“Have I interrupted your day?”
“Not at all.” I follow her to the couch and drop down, pulling Olivia down by my side. “Didn’t have any plans, and even if I did…I would’ve changed them.”
“Y-You would?” Olivia furrows her brow. “I mean, you’d do that for me?”
“Without a doubt.”
“Wow…”
“Don’t sound so surprised.” I roll my eyes playfully. “We may have disappeared from each other's lives…but you’ve always been a huge part of mine.”
Tears forming in deep brown eyes, I wrap my arm around Olivia’s shoulder and she rests her head on mine. I know she’s having a really shitty time right now but I fear I don’t know how to fix it.
“You wanna take this upstairs?” I ask.
“I, uh…”
“No, I don’t mean like that…”
“Oh, right.” Clearing her throat, she sits up and forward. “Okay.”
“Just…Beth will be rising soon.” I reply. “And she can be a little full on at times.”
“Sure, whatever you wanna do.” Olivia smiles. “If you wouldn’t mind.”
“Come on.” Standing, I pull her up to her feet and our bodies collide unexpectedly. My heart pounding in my chest, I try to distance myself but I can’t. I’m struggling. “Hey…” I lift my hand, my thumb ghosting over Olivia’s bottom lip. “I’ve got you, okay?”
“T-That feels…” Her eyes closing, she swallows hard. “Wow.”
“Wow?” I smirk.
“Just like it always did.” Olivia breathes out. “Y-Your touch…it feels just like it always did.”
“Because it didn’t change.” I smile. “And for you…it never will.”
“I can’t believe I’m here with you.” Her voice trembles. “I can’t believe I have you again, Mati.”
“You know, a few months ago…I thought about coming home.” I say. “I thought about booking a flight and just showing up at your door.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Honestly, I was trying to hate you.” I sigh, my admission causing Olivia to take a step back. “Hey, I said I tried…that doesn’t mean I did, or do.”
“You should.”
Reaching the staircase, we head up. Arriving at my bedroom door, I push it open and step inside. I can see the hesitation in Olivia’s body language but I suspect I’m going to need to be a little bold with her right now. Pulling her inside, I kick the door shut with my foot and head for my bed.
None of this is sexual in any way, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want that with her. It just means that I need Olivia to know what she wants before we take this any further. I know I want her in my life, but when I told her that she had reasons for not coming to London with me, I meant it…and I still do.
“You still have your style.” Olivia smiles as she glances around my room. “That didn’t change.”
“I didn’t change.” I shrug, my body falling down onto the soft mattress. “I’m still me. Just in a different place.”
“What’s it like here?” Taking a framed picture from the shelving unit at the opposite side of my room, her thumb trails our faces, our smiles wider than they ever were.
“London?” I ask and receive a simple nod. “Busy. Interesting. Different…”
“But you feel good here?” Olivia turns to face me. “You feel like you belong here?”
“I do…now.” Smiling, I tilt my head a little and try to gauge how she is feeling. “You don’t?”
“I don’t really have any opinions or feelings about it just yet.”
“You’re going to leave, aren’t you?”
“I just…I feel like by being here, I’m forgetting mom.”
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for her. I’m close to my mom and the thought of losing her hurts enough to never want to go through that. I’m not afraid of death and I know it comes to us all at some point, but that doesn’t mean I openly discuss it or think about it. When it happens, it happens. Like most things in life, we cannot change or prevent it.
“I don’t know how to change your mind,” I admit, my eyes focusing on the ceiling above me. “I’ve never done this before.”
“You’re not here to change my mind, Mati.”
Feeling Olivia’s presence nearby, I sit up on my elbows and watch her gorgeous form as she approaches me. She isn’t giving me much to work with but that’s okay. Her being here is good enough for me right now.
“Lie with me?” I ask, my eyebrow arched.
The bed dipping beside me, my eyes close and I try with everything I have not to shift closer to her. She doesn’t need that right now. She doesn’t need my own selfish needs coming into play when she is trying to open up to me.
“I’m sorry this is all a mess…”
“Don’t be.” My hand brushes her own between us. “It is what it is.”
“But I don’t want to feel this way,” Olivia says, her voice cracking and her emotions beginning to get the better of her. “I came here to work things out with you but I don’t feel like I can.”
“You need to give it time.” I lace our fingers together. “If that is what you want.”
“I know I want you.” A hint of certainty creeping into her voice, my body relaxes a little and a smile curls on my mouth. “I’ve always known that.”
“So, you have to take it one step at a time.”
“You promise you won’t run?”
“I won’t run…”
“What do you want, Mati?” Olivia rests back and turns her body to her side.
“For us…what do you want?”
“Everything.” My own body turns and I study Olivia’s face. “I want everything I’ve always wanted with you.”
“That hasn’t changed?”
“I don’t think it could ever change.” Releasing the grip I have on her hand, I bring it up and cup her face. Her skin is as soft as it always was and in this moment, I desperately want to kiss her. Not because it’s how this is supposed to go, but because I need to feel that connection with her. That love we once shared. I need Olivia to feel it, too.
“I didn’t tell you how beautiful you are.” She whispers, her body inching closer to my own. “I always told you that.”
“And I want nothing more than to kiss you right now…”
Olivia’s breath catching as my words filter through the air, her hand comes to settle on my hip and her lips ghost over my own. I didn’t realize how close I needed to be to her and once she kisses me, I’m not sure I can stop. I’m not sure I can remove myself from the situation if we get in too deep.
“Kiss me, Mati.”
My lips press against hers. The oxygen in my body…stolen. No matter how things were back at home, when Olivia kissed me, I always knew everything would be okay. I always knew that we would take each day as it came. Sure, it all turned into one huge heartbreaking mess, but before then, we were so good. Everything about us.
I pull back. “Oh god.”
“I’m sorry.” Olivia’s hand grips my hip. “I needed that, but I’m sorry.”
“N-No.” I breathe out. “I needed that, too.”
“You don’t look overly pleased.” Olivia furrows her brow. “What’s up?”
“I just…I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not.” She moves painfully close. “I can’t.”
“I mean, here.” I smile a half smile. “I don’t want you to leave here.”
“O-Oh.”
“It feels good lying with you.”
“Yeah, it does.” Curling her body into my own, Olivia nuzzles her face in my chest and I hold her close. I know she’s hurting and I know everything in her life is slowly changing but I’m here. I’m totally here.
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 5
