Lay back, I stare at the ceiling above me and Olivia continues to nap beside me. She seems more relaxed in herself and that is exactly how I want her to be. I know she is still dealing with the death of her mom, but I want to be the one by her side during the sleepless nights. The tears. The pain she feels. I know this isn’t going to go away overnight, or at all for that matter, but I can help her through this. Olivia knows I had a sibling, but she doesn’t know how bad I had it when we lost him. She doesn’t know how much I struggled with his death.
Now thirty-one, I’ve come to terms with the armed robbery that took my brother's life almost ten years ago. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never see his sweet smile again. That I’ll never piss him off or make him blush around the ladies. I came to terms with that before I met Olivia, but I don’t talk about him. I don’t talk about the life I lost when we received that knock at the door to say that Scott had been shot, fatally.
The sleepless nights were the worst for me. I’d drink myself into oblivion on most occasions just so I could close my eyes and feel nothing at all. The days were okay, but the nights soon came around and once again, my world fell apart. The drink would hit my lips, it would burn my throat as it slipped down into my stomach, and after the first one…no matter how bad the hangover was from the previous day, I would feel better.
It was like sitting in front of a projector watching the same day repeat itself over and over again. All thoughts of Scott would leave my mind, and no problem in the world could bring me down from my alcoholic high. They say it brings you down, but it had the opposite effect on me. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the numerous girls I was bedding at the time, but it took my mind off my inner turmoil and that worked for me. It worked…until it didn’t anymore.
I know Scott would’ve hated me if he could see what I was doing to myself, but I was young. I was just twenty-one and I didn’t know how to deal. How to cope. I was forgotten about because my mom was too heartbroken and depressed to remember that she still had a daughter who was alive, and my dad…well, he was just dad. He didn’t cry. He was a real man, as he once told me. I never once saw a tear fall from those blue eyes that mirrored mine but that was okay. They had lost their son, and they were dealing. So, I dealt in my own way, too.
It was tough and it was painful, but I eventually came out of it on the other side. Drinking myself half to death wasn’t the way to go about things, but I realized that before it damaged me beyond repair. Do I miss Scott? More than anything in this world. Have I come to terms with his death? Yeah, yeah I have.
At least, I like to think that I have.
If I can just be there for Olivia while she deals with the death of her mom, then I will be happy. I know she will try to push me away and I know she will want to scream at times but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving if things get tough. I dealt alone and it was horrific. She doesn’t have to deal alone anymore, not now that she has me back.
Turning on my side, Olivia has somehow shifted and now has her back to me. We aren’t at that place yet where we never let each other go but that’s okay. In time, that will come back. Having her in my life like this is enough for me right now. It won’t always be enough, but for now, it is.
Running my eyes down her bare arms, only a racer back covering her upper body, I’m amazed at just how right this feels. How perfect it feels to be so close to her. Grazing my fingertips up and over her shoulder, Olivia shifts a little but doesn’t wake. Her head turning slightly as she moves onto her back, her profile comes into view and it takes my breath away. Her rich dark hair splayed across her pillow, I rest my head in the palm of my hand, my elbow propping me up, and smile.
She’s beautiful.
Shifting back and away from Olivia before the need to touch her becomes too much, I turn to climb from her hotel suite bed but her hand grips my wrist and she stops me.
“Stay.” Her voice filled with sleep, I glance back over my shoulder and find Olivia staring at me. “Please, just for a little while…”
Settling back down beside my girlfriend, my arm drapes over her stomach beneath the sheets and she releases a slight, barely audible sigh.
“You okay?” Olivia asks, her eyes fixed on the space above her.
“Yeah, I was hoping I could get a cuddle from you?”
Wrapping her arms around my back, Olivia pulls me in closer and I rest my head on her chest. When we’re like this, nothing else matters.
“This feels good.” I murmur.
“Are you happy that I’m here, Mati?” Olivia’s voice almost void of any emotion, I glance up at her to find her eyes on me. “Truthfully?”
“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “I’m so happy you’re here. Please believe me when I tell you that.”
“I just feel like I let you down way too much for you to ever truly forgive me.”
“I have forgiven you.” I smile. “And I hope to God you will accept that soon.”
“I’m pathetic, I know.” Placing her hand over her face, Olivia scoffs, a slight laugh falling from her mouth. Sitting up, I reposition myself so that I’m straddling her legs.
“If I have to show you how much I want you here…how much I love you, I will.” Running my hand up and under her racer back, Olivia shivers under my touch and removes her hand from her face. Her eyes fixed on mine, a small smile curls on the corners of her mouth and her eyes darken. “Just let me love you…”
“God, I want that so much.” Olivia’s body writhing as I run the palm of my hand over her nipple, it hardens under my touch and a wetness gathers between my own legs. Grazing my fingertips across the sensitive skin of her breast, I tug and pinch her nipple, Olivia’s breath catching in her throat.
“M-Mati…”
“Do you want me to stop?” I still my movements but she disagrees with a slight shake of her head.
“No, please don’t stop.” Her eyes beg for my touch and I want nothing more than to give her exactly that. I want to feel this with her. It’s been too long. “Please…” Olivia’s fingertips running beneath my own tee, she grips the hem and pulls it up and over my head. “Oh, God.” She whispers, her eyes drinking in the view before her. “You are so beautiful.”
Olivia’s eyes glistening, I lean down and capture her lips with my own. I don’t want her to think about anything other than feeling good right now. Giving her body what it craves. I just want her to forget for a little while.
Shifting back and off her hips, my fingers curl around the waistband of her yoga pants and I slip them over her thighs. Discovering that Olivia is wearing no underwear, I glance up at her and smile. Her body relaxing into the mattress beneath us, her eyes close and Olivia takes in every touch, every breath, every emotion that is radiating from my being.
Watching as her chest rises and falls, I smile to myself and our first time together comes flooding to the forefront of my mind. It was amazing. Her moans, her trust, her whimpers as she came undone beneath me. For me. Like I was the only woman in the world that mattered to her. I can remember it like it was yesterday and I want to feel that again. I want to experience her again.
“Olivia?” I catch her attention and she slowly opens her eyes. “You good?”
“Yeah.” She breathes out. “Make me yours, Mati.”
Our bodies becoming one, I run my thumb across her cheek and give her a genuine smile. Her vulnerability showing through that tough exterior, I want Olivia to feel safe with me. Safe and loved. She deserves to be loved unconditionally. By me, and only ever me.
Our lips meeting in a soft kiss, she pulls me impossibly close and I feel that connection. The connection I felt the first time I saw her. The first time I touched her. The first time I kissed her. It's intense, but it's like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I know she feels it, too. I can see it in her eyes.
My lips roaming the soft skin of her neck, I run my tongue along her jawline before taking her bottom lip between my teeth. Our eyes fixed, I release
her lip with a pop before moving down her body. Something is off. I can feel it.
Dipping my right hand between our bodies, I graze my fingertips along her stomach and the slightest hint of goosebumps follow my movements. Come back to me, Olivia. Please…
I know she is desperately trying to let herself go, and I know in time that will happen, but I can't do this with her if she isn’t all in right now. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Bracing myself on my hands either side of Olivia’s body, I study her face and try to gauge her mood.
“Liv…” I breathe out. “I want to be the one who makes you feel loved. I want to be the only one you see, but I know you’re hurting. I know and I understand, so if you don’t want this right now…just say the word and we can stop.” She’s giving me nothing right now and I don’t like it. I don’t like wondering if she even wants me here. “As much as I want you, we can wait. It’s no big deal. We can just relax, talk…or not. Maybe I came on too strong, I don’t know, but you aren’t comfortable with this, are you?”
“I-I…”
Climbing off my girlfriend, I settle back down beside her and pull the crisp white sheet up and over our bodies. She isn’t with me right now, I know that, but I can’t be intimate with her when she isn’t in the room with me. I just can’t. She may have said that she wanted this but I know that’s not true. I can see the void behind her eyes. I can hear the thoughts running through her mind. I want her to open up to me but I don’t think she is quite there yet. I don’t think she is ready to just…talk. Not yet, anyway.
“I’m here whenever you want to talk. You know that, right?”
“I’m sorry.” Olivia’s voice breaking, her sad brown eyes are tearing my heart in two.
Closing her eyes, a single tear slips down her face. Figuring that silence is the best approach at the moment, I lie back and give Olivia a little time to collect herself. To process. To center herself.
Furrowing my brow as my own mind begins to play tricks on me, I concentrate on the void above us. That empty space that feels huge right now. Did she want to get on that flight? No, I cannot think like this. She told me she loves me. She told me she wants to be here with me. Olivia wouldn’t say those things if she didn’t mean them. She’s here and I know this is where she wants to be. I think.
“L-Liv?” I bring her from her thoughts and she turns to face me. “Did you want to get on that flight?” I can't believe I’m asking her this but I need to know. Even if the answer breaks my heart, I need to know. “Did you want to leave…for good? You can be honest with me.”
“I don’t know.” She sighs.
My chest tightening, I want to get up and leave but I know I shouldn’t. I can feel my emotions about to tip me over the edge but I can't break down right now. I can't cry and demand answers…that wouldn’t be right.
“I, uh...I’ll fix us some coffee.” Giving Olivia my best fake smile, I rush from the bed and pick up my tee from the floor. Slipping it on, I fix my hair out of my face and sigh. “I’ll give you some space.”
***
Sitting at the window seat, I stare down at the late-night London traffic and think hard about the conversation we’ve just had. Our coffee prepared and ready, I didn’t even bother to pour it before I left the kitchen area in Olivia’s executive suite. I’m struggling at the moment. I’m struggling to understand what any of this evening has been.
Olivia is yet to appear and my fear is that if I turn around, I will find her packing her bags…ready to leave me one final time. She doesn’t know if she wanted to stay. I mean, I understand that she isn’t in a good place right now, and I admire her for her honesty, but I didn’t expect that response. I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that.
It's clear to see that her heart is torn in two, but I need her to let me in. I need her to give me a tiny insight into what is going on in her head. I just need something, anything.
“I’m not me.” A quiet voice behind me startles me and I turn to find Olivia leaning against the kitchen counter. “I just…I’m not.”
Wrapping my arms around myself a little tighter, I stand and turn to face Olivia fully. Her body language would suggest she has something to say, so I’ll listen.
“I don’t want to put you through this, Mati. I feel tired and I feel drained of everything. I don’t have any energy left in me and I don’t want you to sit around waiting for me to feel good again because I cannot give you a timescale.” Olivia steps closer to me. “I don’t want to promise you that it will be tomorrow or the next day or next month.” She takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I don’t want to feel like this and I don’t want you to see it.”
“I’ve been there.” I clear my throat. “I’ve been exactly where you are now.”
“Oh.” Olivia’s shoulders slump. I’m not telling her this for the sake of it. I’m telling her because I know exactly how she is feeling.
“You know about my brother…”
“Yeah.” She nods, her eyes finding mine. “You don’t talk about him.”
“Because for me, it’s easier.” I sigh. “I don’t talk about him because it’s easier for me.”
“You don’t have to do this.” Olivia squeezes my hand.
“I do.” I nod. “Because it’s important that you know I’m here for you. I’m here to go through this with you.” Our bodies connecting as I pull Olivia in close, my hand settles on the small of her back. “I pushed everyone away and I lost it. I won’t allow you to do the same. I’m sorry, but I won’t.”
“I just don’t know how to deal with any of this.”
“You take it day by day,” I say. “Day by day. Night by night. You talk about her. You tell everyone how much she meant to you and how awesome she was. You laugh about her and you cry about her.” My own voice trembles. “Even when you think I’m tired of hearing the repetitive stories, you tell me. You tell me because I’ll always want to hear them, okay?” Olivia nods in agreement. “But you do not push me away, Liv.”
“Thank you.”
“If you really want to leave, I won’t stop you. If you cannot do this, if we cannot be together, then I’ll let you go. Don’t ever think that I don’t want to be here for you, though.” My eyes plead with my girlfriend. “Don’t think that I don’t want to be here when you are crying or when you are awake at 3 am, thinking hard. I’ll be here no matter what but you have to tell me if you want me to be that person for you.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Mati.” A tear slips down Olivia’s face. “I just don’t want this to come between us.”
“How could your mom’s death ever come between us?” My forehead creases. “If anything, it should make us stronger.” I cup her face. “I need you to open up to me. I need you to tell me when you are having a bad day. Don’t do what I did.” I sigh. “Please, for the love of God, don’t do what I did.”
“What did you do?” Olivia asks, curiosity in her voice.
“Drank. Slept around. Pushed everyone away that mattered to me.” I shrug. “But this isn’t about me. This is about you.”
“Are you sure you want to be here for all of this?”
“I know I do.” A smile creeps onto my mouth. “I’ll help you pick up the pieces.”
Chapter Eight
Olivia
I feel like an asshole.
Mati left last night with the feeling that I didn’t want her in my life. Of course, I explained myself but admitting that I didn’t know what I wanted wasn’t fair to her. She asked, though. She asked and I promised I would be honest with her. Seems my honesty may have hurt her and now I feel terrible. I feel bad about how last night ended. Sure, I’m at her place right now and taking Mati up on her offer of a relaxing bath, but I don’t know if we’re truly okay.
I’m hoping to spend some uninterrupted time with her for a while this evening, but I’m not sure if I should wait for her to come to me. I know what I want and I know I have it. I’m just struggling to understand how my life ha
s ended up this way. I’m not coping well with how I feel and I’m worried that I’ll never be myself again.
It truly is a horrible and terrifying feeling, but I hope that one day, I can get back to my happy place. I may never really feel that way again, but even just a glimmer of who I was, who I should be…I’d take it. I need to focus on the future and look ahead.
If I don’t, I’m not sure I will have Mati by my side. I know she wants to help and I know I have to let her in, but this isn’t her fight. This isn’t anyone’s fight but my own. I want to wake up and take her into my arms. Feel her skin against my own. Allow her hands to heal my body, emotionally, and physically. I just want that relationship with her again.
Her opening up to me last night wasn’t something I expected. I knew she had lost her brother a long time ago, but I didn’t realize how badly it had affected her. She always seems so calm and collected. She always seems like she has her life planned out ahead of her. Maybe she does now, but at one time, she clearly didn’t.
Settled back against the warming porcelain, I sigh and close my eyes. Mati always did care about my feelings and emotions. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with her as hard as I did. Nothing was ever one-sided. Decisions were always made together. That was awesome…until we decided that we couldn’t work together in different countries. I guess everything is good until it isn’t, huh?
This, though? Relaxing in her home, Mati just outside…it’s all I want. She has that presence about her. That air. I don’t know how she does it, but I have to remember that Mati is here for me and she wants to be with me, regardless of the bad time I’m having lately. Sometimes I wonder how she ever took me back but I’m trying to let it go. I’m trying to focus on the here and now.
“Liv?” A light knock startles me.
“Come in,” I call out.
“Everything okay for you in here?” Mati pokes her head around the door. “Can I get you anything?”
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 7
