“Stop.”
Olivia’s body coming to rest even harder against my own, she captures my lips once more and I push her away with a little more force. I don’t want this to be how we reconnect.
“Stop!” I demand. “Just…stop.”
“W-What?” She gives me an incredulous look as she backs up further into the room. “I thought this was what you wanted?”
“No.” I sigh, my fingers tugging at the cuffs of my jacket. “This isn’t what I want.”
“Could’ve fooled me last night.” Olivia scoffs as she kicks off her shoes. Disappearing into the kitchen, I follow her and watch as she takes a bottle of white wine from the refrigerator. “You didn’t complain yesterday when you were on top of me…”
“That’s not fair.” I drop my gaze as I lean back against the kitchen counter. “Don’t turn this around on me.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Mati.” She laughs before taking a large sip from the bottle in her hand. It saddens me to see her this way but I’m too tired to fight with her tonight. If she wants to wake with a raging hangover, that is her choice. At least she is home and safe. “I mean, you want me when I don’t want it, but when I want you…you push me away.”
“It’s not the same thing and you know it.” I give her that knowing look but it’s totally lost on her right now. “I didn’t try it on yesterday because I wanted it. I just wanted you to feel something and help you forget for a while.” I push off the counter. “I recognized that you didn’t feel comfortable and I stopped, so don’t dare tell me that I wanted it when I was concerned for you and stopped whatever wasn’t starting. Just…don’t.”
Heading for the staircase, I turn back and shake my head in disappointment. I’m actually quite hurt by her words. I know she isn’t in a good place but it’s been a long day and I’m sure everything will be okay in the morning. At least, it has to be better than this.
“Um, where are you going?”
“To bed.” I give Olivia a sad smile. “I don’t want to fight with you so I’m taking myself out of the situation before this blows up between us.”
“Oh, so you’re just giving up?” I know she doesn’t mean any of this but it still cuts a little deeper than I’d like it to. “After everything you’ve said to me…you’re giving up?”
“No.” I smile. “I’m not giving up. I’m giving you space.”
“Space?” She rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, space.” I nod in agreement. “I don’t like any of this, Olivia. I don’t like seeing you like this but right now, there is no reasoning with you. I don’t want to stay here while you explode on me and come to regret it in the morning…so, I’m going to bed.”
Taking the stairs one by one, I can feel my heart breaking for the woman that I love. The woman I want to love me back. I know she does and I know she will find herself again, so I’m not giving up. Olivia may believe that I am but I’m not. I just cannot be around her toxic attitude tonight.
Tomorrow when she wakes, she will realize what she has done and she will see things a little more clearly. There is no use trying to speak to her now. My only hope is that she doesn’t finish that entire bottle of wine. I know that feeling the morning after all too well and honestly, it’s bad enough when you haven’t said hurtful things to the person you love. When you have…it’s crippling. The alcohol only heightens the remorse, and at times, it becomes too much to take.
***
Waking to the sound of complete silence, I glance at the clock and groan. It’s almost 9 am and I really don’t want to work today. I promised Rebecca, the designer I’m working with, that I would be at the office for 8:30 this morning but that is already a non-starter.
I don’t know where Olivia is but she isn’t beside me. I don’t like this feeling I’ve woken with but I should probably go and check that my girlfriend is still breathing, and still here. I need to know that she is okay.
Climbing from my bed, I give myself a moment or two to actually wake up before standing. Finding a robe nearby, I slip it on and pull my hair up out of my face. Reaching for my cell, I find a message from Rebecca waiting for me.
Ready to begin when you are. We did say 8:30, right? R.
We did. I’m sorry I’m running late. Give me thirty and I’ll be there. Mati.
Moving out onto the landing, I listen for any signs of life. Nothing. Complete silence. Usually, I’d appreciate a quiet morning but it doesn’t feel good to me today. Silence means that Olivia could be in any state.
Silence for me usually meant that I was either passed out cold, or I was destroyed from numerous rounds of sex with a woman whose name I didn’t know. I know the latter isn’t likely, thankfully, but I still don’t like the other option. I shouldn’t have left her alone last night.
Moving down the hallway, I find my spare guest room door cracked open and as I move closer, the smell of last night’s alcohol hits me square in the face. At least she is here. Quietly making my way inside, I find Olivia face down on top of the bed, still clothed from last night.
What the hell is she doing to herself? Checking for a pulse, I breathe a sigh of relief when I find one. I’m still a little angry with her this morning but I think the way she is going to feel will probably prevent me from giving her the cold shoulder. Her hangover will be enough punishment for my liking.
“Olivia?” I nudge my girlfriend and she groans into the pillow.
“Mati?” She mumbles. “S-Sorry.”
Shaking my head, I move away from her and step back out into the hallway. Heading downstairs, I put on a fresh pot of coffee and glance around the open space. An empty bottle of wine is sitting on the coffee table and a blanket is draped over the couch. Heading for the mess, I take the wine bottle and add it to the recycling that is piling up next to the back door.
I have sympathy for Olivia, I really do, but she cannot continue like this. She can’t be here and act this way. I can’t watch it. There are other ways and means of coping with bereavement and alcohol isn’t one of them. It only brings you further down. It only adds to that cycle of depression you find yourself in.
Unlocking the patio doors, I step out into the yard and take a seat on the top step of the decking area. Placing my head in my hands, I sigh. It’s all I can do right now. I don’t know where I go with Olivia from here. I want to believe that she isn’t going to drink her problems away, but I’m wary. I’m wary and it worries me.
I know she will get there eventually but I’m beginning to doubt myself. I’m beginning to wonder if I can truly be here for her and put up with that kind of behavior. I’d like to think that it’s my job as her girlfriend to put up with it, but the question is…how much can we take? How far can we go before I say enough is enough?
Glancing up at the sky, I say a silent prayer to anyone who may be listening to give me some kind of help. Just…anything. Feeling a presence behind me, I look over my shoulder and find Olivia standing, waiting for my permission to join me.
“Sit down.”
Coming to rest beside me, I can feel her eyes all over me but I cannot look at her right now. I just need a moment to think about what I’m going to say. I need a minute to compose myself and keep my emotions in check.
“Mati…”
“I need you to listen to me, Liv.” I sigh. “I need you to really listen.”
“Okay.” Her voice breaks a little.
“I want to help you. I want that more than anything.” Shaking my head, I try to stop my own tears from falling. “You are the most important person in my world and you always will be. I just…you cannot behave like that. The way you spoke to me last night and how you acted? If it hadn’t been you, I’d have walked away.”
“Why didn’t you?” Olivia’s voice is childlike.
“Because I love you.” I take my girlfriend's hand in my own. “I love you and I want to spend my life with you. I don’t want a life that involves this, though. I don’t want to wonder where you are or if you’re safe.
You should always be safe…here with me.” My grip tightens. “I want to be happy with you and I want to help you get back to a good place. That is why I didn’t walk away. That is why I’m still sitting here right now.”
“It won’t happen again,” Olivia states, a confidence in her voice. “I promise you, it will not happen again.”
“I hope not.” I study her face.
“I never meant to hurt you.” Olivia presses a kiss to the back of my hand. “If I could change how last night ended, I would…in a heartbeat.”
“I know.” I nod.
“Let me make it up to you?” Olivia suggests. “I don’t know how, but please, let me try?”
“I have to go to work, but we can talk later when I get home.” Standing, I back up towards the patio doors. “You staying here while I’m gone?”
“I can leave…”
“No, stay here.” I hold up my hand. “At least I know you’re safe.”
“Okay.”
“Just…relax.” I smile, half-heartedly. “Whatever you need, take it.”
“Thank you.”
Heading inside, I’m not overly confident that Olivia will still be here when I return. I’d like to believe that she will stick to her word but I always promised my mom the same thing, and then as night fell, I would fall apart.
The only positive I can take from this is that I know what Olivia is experiencing. Others would laugh and walk away but I know how hard it is to miss someone you will never see again. I know the pain of waking from a dream, your body covered by a cold sweat. I know what it is like to look at photographs, memories, and know that it is all you have left of that person. To sort through their belongings but not know what to do with them.
I know, but I also know how it feels to push the world and his wife away because you fear you will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. You fear you will crumble when you hear that song that reminds you of them or a movie you watched together. You remember special occasions and how quiet the place seems without them.
I’ve had nine birthdays without Scott. Nine Christmases without him. I’ve had seasons of TV shows come on the screen and had to turn them off because we would watch them together. I’ve had that, but I’m still here. Sometimes, I wonder how, but still…I survived.
Chapter Ten
Olivia
The sound of the radio playing around the kitchen, I’m lost in my plans for this evening with Mati. Sure, she may come home and ask me to leave, but right now…I’m preparing dinner and hoping for the best. I want to try. I know I was awful to her last night and if I’m being totally honest, I want to disappear, but I can’t. I have to show her that I want this.
In a perfect world, Mati and I would be relaxed in bed and holding each other. Her soft skin against my own. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt, and as this day has progressed, it’s all I can think about. I just need to feel something to keep me grounded, and Mati is my grounding. I know she is.
How do I feel about last night? Truly horrific. My intention was never to speak to Mati the way I did and I’m not sure if the fact I remember it all is a blessing or a curse. I guess knowing that she doesn’t have to relay it all back to me makes it a little easier to take, but it should never have happened.
When she walks through this door in the next fifteen minutes or so, I don’t know what I’m going to say to her. I don’t know how to even begin the conversation I know we need to have. I guess my being here is better than nothing, though. I’m here, I’m making an effort, and I’ve taken my head out of my ass and realized what I’ve got with my girlfriend before I lose her. Before I lose it all.
I cannot carry on like this. I cannot allow my mom’s death to come between us. Mati said it wouldn’t and I believe her, but the least I can do is help her out with that. You know, be here and present. Live my best life.
I’ll always miss my mom but I have a life to live. A life she has provided me with. I also have a girlfriend who means the absolute world to me. I cannot break us, because if I do, life will not be worth living. I know that. I know that I’m a shell of who I used to be but I’m going to try to be better. For my girlfriend. For Mati. I guess for myself in some way, too. Right now, though, Mati is the most important person in all of this. She always will be.
The sound of a key slipping in the lock, an anxiety settles in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what mood Mati is in, but if it’s bad, it’s my fault. We both know that. Checking everything around me, I’m satisfied that dinner is as it should be…now I just need to see my girlfriend. Her eyes. Her eyes will tell me exactly how she is feeling. She is looking as beautiful as ever. Her dark wash denim jeans hugging her slim hips.
God…
“Hey…” I breathe out as she slips her satchel from her shoulder, the thud as it hits the floor shocking me back into the room.
“Hi. Something smells good.”
Okay, she seems a little distant but what more can I expect? Firstly, I was a monster to her, and secondly, she is probably trying to figure out if I’m drunk or not.
“I, uh…I made dinner.” I clear my throat. “If you’d like some. It’s okay if you’ve already eaten.”
“No.” Mati shakes her head slightly. “Dinner sounds good.”
“Okay, good.” I give her a smile, my palms sweaty and my heart pounding hard in my chest. “Did you need to do anything first, or?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Right, sure.” I nod. “It will just be a few minutes, okay? I’m sorry, I planned to have it ready for when you arrived home but you’re a little early. Just, uh-“
“Olivia, stop.” Placing her hand on my wrist, it settles me a little but I still feel on edge. “Please, just stop and breathe…”
“I’m okay.”
“Sure, yeah.” Mati gives me a sad smile. “You’re not okay, but you’re doing better.”
“Same thing, no?” I furrow my brow.
“No, it’s not the same thing.” Pulling me in a little closer, Mati takes my hand in her own and places a soft kiss on my lips. “You’ll get there, okay?”
“Right, okay.” I nod, suddenly feeling deflated. “Yeah.”
“Wait!” Mati holds up her hand. “I’m sorry.” Cupping my face, it feels good to have her hands on my skin. “You are doing good and I want to spend the evening with you.”
“I know you’re mad at me.” I lean into Mati’s touch. “But if you can try to see past last night and this morning, I would really appreciate it.”
“I can.” She gives me a nod and leans in, her lips ghosting over my own. “I love you, Liv. You’ve got this.”
“I-I know.” My voice cracks. “I love you, too.”
***
“Dinner was amazing, thank you.”
Mati pushes her plate away and a genuine smile settles on her soft pink lips. She is right, though…dinner was amazing. Being able to sit with her, no pressure and in a comfortable silence, yeah it was pretty damn great in my book.
“Can I get you anything else?” I ask.
“No, all of this was perfect.” Mati settles back in her seat and studies my face. “How was your day?”
“Okay.” I shrug. “Just kept busy. Went to the store, prepared dinner. Oh, I did your laundry, too.”
“That’s sweet.”
Clearing my throat, I place my fork down and sit back. “I missed you today.”
“I’m sorry I had to work.” Mati sighs.
“No, don’t be.” I desperately want to apologize for my behavior last night but I don’t know if she wants to hear it. I’m forever apologizing, and Mati is right…soon it will lose its meaning. “I know I’m wasting my time asking, but do you think you could take a few days off?”
“Shouldn’t be a problem, why?” Her forehead creasing, Mati sits forward, her elbows resting on the table between us.
“I’d like to take you away for a few days.” Why is she staring at me? She doesn’t want to. Her silence is deafening right now.
“Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked. You have work and responsibilities. Sorry, I jus-“
“Olivia, I’d love to disappear from here for a while.”
“Yeah?” A smile creeps onto my mouth and widens, ridiculously. “Really?”
“Really.” Standing, Mati rounds the table and pulls me up to my feet. “Some alone time could be good for us.”
“I think we need it,” I say with certainty. “I’m trying, okay?”
“I know you are.” Switching her gaze to my lips, Mati leans in and smiles into a kiss. A kiss I’ve so desperately needed and a kiss I more than want. “I love you.” She whispers as she pulls back. “So much.”
“I feel so good when I’m with you…”
“And I’ll always make you feel that way.” Running her thumb along my cheek, Mati gives me one of her dimpled smiles and places another soft kiss on my lips. “Don’t ever feel like you cannot talk to me, okay?”
“I promise to do more talking…” I agree. “I think I have to.”
“You do.” Mati nods. “Don’t hold it in. You have to feel that emotion, Liv. It will eat you up if you don’t.” God, I love her honesty…and her support. “Be angry, be pissed, be sad. Be everything it makes you feel, but don’t hold it in.”
“Did anybody ever tell you how amazing you are?” I ask, my arms wrapping around Mati’s waist. “Because you are. To me, you are everything.”
“Just trying to do the right thing.” She smiles.
Deciding to be a little brave, my hands roam beneath her blouse and make contact with her skin. Just like it always did, it feels amazing. I’ve missed touching her and feeling that smoothness beneath my fingertips. I’ve missed everything about her. Even though she is standing right in front of me, I still miss her. I don’t know how to explain it, but she has something about her that I’ve never felt before.
Her lips capturing my own, Mati swallows a moan that rumbles in my throat, and as she is about to pull back, I take her bottom lip between my teeth. I don’t want her to stop what is starting. Right now, I feel like I’m right where I should be. In her arms. Her life. About to make love to her for the first time in what feels like forever.
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 9
