by Aly Martinez
I wanted to blame them on the fact that I was angry, but those tears were so much more. They were five years of codependency, one thousand twenty-six days where I had known someone was waiting for me—and one night when the world felt right as I’d slept at his side.
He swallowed hard. Using the sleeve of his black hoodie pulled over the heel of his palm, he wiped my tears away. Then, after scooping me off my feet, he held me tight and sat us both down on the cushions on the floor.
“Don’t cry. It’s just gonna be weird not having you around all the time,” he murmured into my hair.
I tilted my head back, hoping that, in some way, I could convey my promise through the only simple words I had to offer. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Liar,” he whispered, looking down just as I glanced up.
With his lips just a whisper away from mine and closer than ever before, my eyes drifted to his mouth and his head immediately fell back against the wall.
“Don’t do that,” he groaned. “Not tonight.”
“Do what?” I asked innocently as I licked my lips. I lifted my chin so my nose grazed across his cheek. It could have been an innocent brush of skin. It absolutely wasn’t though.
“Seriously, when do you leave?” He changed the subject and turned his head out of my reach, but his arms still held me tight.
“I don’t have to leave.” I went back to eyeing his mouth. I wasn’t sure what was in the air that night. I’d wanted Till for a long time, but never once had I planned on actually acting on it.
“Yeah, you do. You have college and a way out of here. I’m happy for you, Doodle.” He voice was sincere and packed full of lies.
I didn’t doubt that he was happy for me; he just wanted to come with me. I wanted that too. So much that the words made their way to the surface before I could stop them.
Deep breath in.
Long exhale out.
Till.
And Doodle.
“I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I swear.” His eyes flew to mine.
“Oh, God,” he groaned.
“There is no way I could ever leave you, Till. I. Love. You,” I breathed, moving even closer. It could have been an innocent and friendly declaration of love.
But, once again, it absolutely wasn’t.
That was all it took; his mouth crashed against mine. Finally, those sculpted lips that had haunted my dreams—both day and night—moved against mine. It was needy and frantic.
It was overdue.
I pushed him down flat as I swung a leg over to straddle his lap, forcing my core against his.
“Doodle, please,” he pleaded for me to stop even as he lifted his hips to meet mine.
The contact made us both gasp. His hands roamed up my back and down over my ass while his head threatened to divide the pillow in an effort to escape me.
“I can’t have you without claiming you for forever.”
“Then claim me. I’ll claim you too.”
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of, Eliza.”
I sucked in a surprised breath. If Till had actually known my name before that moment, I couldn’t have been sure. But just the sound of it on his lips had ruined it for anyone who would ever utter it after him.
With one quick swoop, he sat up and tore my dress over my head. His mouth latched on to my bra-covered nipple, sending tidal waves of heat crashing through my body.
“Till,” I moaned, threading my fingering into his hair.
“Someone touch you like this before, Eliza?”
My breath caught as his hand made its way down to my panties.
“Huh?” he asked, demanding an answer.
“No,” I hissed, rising to my knees to allow him more room. Every nerve ending in my body was homed in on the gentle movement of his rough fingers.
“Good,” he purred then leaned up to cover my mouth with his own.
His tongue slid against mine, smooth and practiced—at least, on his part. Tilting my head, I greedily took his mouth deeper. I wasn’t experienced, but when he groaned down my throat, he made me powerful and brave.
His finger found my swollen clit, working me while his mouth stole the breath from my lungs. My hips glided with his rhythm. I was too lost in his movements to even care how wanton I looked.
I was in his arms.
“Say it again. Tell me you won’t leave,” he tried to order, but it came out as a plea. Then he moved his oral assault to my neck.
“I swear.”
“Why not?” he questioned further, and a smile pulled at the corner of my mouth.
“Because I love you.”
A deep rumble of approval vibrated in his chest. Suddenly, he removed his hand and rolled so I was on my back, and he settled on his knees between my legs. I was small and Till was huge. He all but manhandled me. Though it wasn’t rough, it was definitely rushed.
His chest heaved as his eyes flashed between mine, occasionally glancing down to my bra and more than once to my panties. He swallowed hard.
“I want it all,” he whispered, licking his lips before continuing. “Every single first you have to give, I want it.” As he spoke, his eyes melted, becoming far younger than his eighteen years and a stark comparison to his physical appearance. They were unsure and dire.
I pressed myself up. While holding his eyes, I reached back and unsnapped my bra, letting it fall down my arms. “Then they’re all yours,” I promised.
A strangled sigh escaped his throat, and his dark eyes heated in a way I had never seen before. Looping his fingers in the pink cotton, he dragged my panties down my legs, discarding them on the floor beside us.
Completely exposed, I lay in front of Till, awaiting his next move. His eyes traveled over my body, but his hands were frozen at his side.
“Till,” I whispered.
“Shhhh.” He continued to stare.
Never in my life had I been naked in front of a man. It was terrifying.
“You’re making me nervous.”
“I’ve waited a really long time for this,” he said with a shaky voice. “I’ve imagined you like this, every single moment, for years.” His eyes flashed to mine. “I never thought I would have you.”
“You’ve always had me. Touch me, Till.”
He sucked in a deep breath and then lifted a hesitant hand to my breast. His thumb brushed over my nipple, and I arched off the pillow from the contact.
“Fuck,” he hissed.
Starting at my belly button, he slowly trailed kisses up to my breast—sucking it into his mouth before making his way to the other. He was gentle and soft as he explored my body. From my breasts, he moved up to my neck and, finally, my mouth. It was lazy and calculated. But it didn’t matter where he touched me—it was exactly the right spot.
I released a moan into his mouth as his hand slid between my legs. His long finger pressed inside my opening, and whatever noise I made was overpowered by his loud growl.
As his finger found its rhythm inside me, I reached out and grabbed the back of his hoodie. “Take this off,” I boldly ordered. “I want to feel you too.”
His hand froze as he eyed me warily. “Why?” he asked.
At first, it confused me. I assumed “I want to feel you” was pretty self-explanatory, but as I looked up into his insecure eyes, I realized it was far more than just a surface-level inquiry.
So I repeated his words back to him. “Because I’ve waiting for a long time too. Every. Single. Moment. For years.”
The words had barely cleared my lips before Till went wild.
His mouth slammed over mine as he dragged the hoodie off—separating the kiss only long enough for the cotton to clear his head. I followed him as he sat up, and our hands fumbled together over the button of his jeans. He got the denim past his hips before pressing me back down. Using my feet, I hurriedly kicked them off the rest of the way.
Till’s naked body covered me completely. His hard-on glided against my stomach as his hips rolled aga
inst mine. I allowed my fingers to roam over the rippled muscles on his back, moaning when he flexed as he sat up.
Using both of his hands, he spread my legs wide. I watched as he descended down the cushions, his eyes holding mine until he settled on his elbows. Then his head dipped and he dragged his tongue over my clit.
“Oh, God!” I cried out.
“Have you ever come before?” He licked me again, and instinctually, I lifted my hips.
“Yes,” I breathed.
His head snapped up, leaving me utterly lost. “With a guy?” he questioned roughly.
“No.”
A one-sided smile tipped his lips. “Good. I want that too.”
He quickly sealed his mouth over my sensitive bud, and one of his hands made its way to my opening. He slowly pressed the tip of his finger inside before adding another. I cried out from the surprising and mildly painful intrusion, but as his tongue began a smooth rhythm, the cries morphed into ones of ecstasy.
I writhed under him as he relentlessly drew the impending orgasm to the surface. It wasn’t quick, nor was it perfect, but he was dedicated. I came against his tongue and around his fingers while calling out his name.
He continued his torturous strokes even as I came down from my high.
“Till, please,” I pleaded when the sensations became more than my tingling body could handle.
I grabbed at his shoulders, trying to pull him up. Releasing a breath as he sat up, he kneeled between my legs. He didn’t remove his fingers. Instead, he watched intently as he slowly glided them in and out of me. I wanted to be embarrassed and cover up. It was awkward at best, but the heated look on his face had me brazenly dropping my knees to the sides.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered.
“So are you.” I dragged my nails over his chest and down over the defined ridges of his abs.
I stilled as I caught my first sight of his straining hard-on. His hand came up and began to stroke it between us. I wanted to look away, but my eyes had other plans as they continuously flashed back to watch.
Till chuckled, and my gaze snapped to his.
“I’d rather it be your hand.” He smirked.
I’d rather that too.
I timidly reached out, taking his shaft, and began to mimic his movements. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, but I knew the gist. It didn’t take long before I found a rhythm that caused Till’s head to fall back and his eyes to stare at the ceiling.
“Jesus, Eliza.” His chest and abs flexed.
I had known that his body would be amazing, but Till naked and reacting to my touch was a sight I could never have prepared for.
I continued my strokes while I climbed to join him on my knees. Starting at his chest, I dragged openmouthed kisses over his pecs and down to his abs. He flinched every time my tongue snaked out for a taste.
Closing his hand over mine, he hissed, “Okay, no more.”
Gently pushing me back down, he took my mouth in a hard kiss. I opened my eyes to find him watching me. It was unnerving—and magnetic.
Suddenly, I felt his hand at my entrance as he guided himself inside me. My whole body tensed, and he must have felt it too. Turning his head, Till Page spoke words that solidified his claim on me for all of eternity.
“I love you, Eliza.”
I relaxed as he very gradually filled me.
There were fireworks.
Stars.
Every possible cliché I could conjure.
But that wasn’t the sex.
No. It was him.
We were young and reckless.
There was no condom.
Or discussion.
There were hands, mouths, and tongues.
Fingernails raking his skin and his hand in my hair.
Slow glides followed by deep thrusts.
Desperation.
Comfort.
There was Till.
And Eliza.
SEX ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT, but with every mind-blowing thrust, a jagged piece was torn from my soul.
This was not supposed to happen. The sex. The pain. Eliza. None of it.
But she loved me.
As I watched her naked body tense under me, I knew I had risked it all just to hear her say it again.
She’d said that she wouldn’t leave me, but it was a lie. She was finally moving on and starting a life—doing all the things we had dreamed of over the years. But I hadn’t even graduated from high school, so she would be doing it all without me. My life was at a complete standstill while hers was sprinting away from me. She’d meet a guy at college who would recognize how amazing she truly was. Then, soon enough, I would be sitting in that apartment alone, haunted by her memories—and reality.
I had to have her, take the pieces I could claim before they were gone forever. I needed her to remember me in her new life, hopefully, even when she was in the arms of someone else. I couldn’t make her stay, but I’d sure as hell make it so she couldn’t give herself to anyone else.
I’d never had anything I could call my own, but Eliza Reynolds would always be mine.
I ran my hands over her small body, memorizing every inch as I went. I made mental notes of the newly exposed freckles, including the one just under her right breast. I burned that one into my memory as I watched her breasts sway each time I pressed inside her.
I’d remember it all.
Because that was all I thought I’d ever have of her.
That one moment.
“Oh, God, Till,” she cried and her voice hitched.
“Say it again, Eliza. Tell me,” I demanded then roughly filled her. I needed to be gentle. This was her first time, but I was desperate. I had to hear her come again.
There was always the possibility that there would be a time in the future where I could find her and convince her to be with me again. Maybe I could get my life together and be deserving of her. Actually have something to offer her.
But even if that farfetched fantasy became reality, there was a very good chance I’d never hear her again.
“I love you,” she whispered, turning her head to take my mouth.
“You think you can come again for me?” I asked when I pulled away. I forced myself to switch to slow glides.
“I, uh . . . don’t know.”
“Come. Please.” I sat up and found her clit with my thumb.
“Shit.” Her whole body arched off the pillows as she dropped her legs open even wider.
“Please come,” I chanted, leaning forward to suck her nipple into my mouth.
I wasn’t wearing a condom, so I had to pull out. But I had to claim this last first before doing it. I wanted to be the last man she ever pulsed around, but I could settle for knowing that I was the first. I poured every resource I had into getting her off. But with every touch, I was forcing myself there as well.
“Damn it,” I cursed as I lost the battle with my own release.
Pulling out, I pumped hot cum onto her stomach. Crashing on top of her, I buried my face in her neck and repeated her name as though it would be the last time I ever said it. And it very well could have been.
“I’m sorry.” She began to rake her nails up my back.
“For what?” I responded, out of breath and with aftershocks still firing through my cock.
“That I didn’t come again.”
“Don’t apologize for that. I just covered you in cum.” I laughed, rolling to retrieve my boxers and using them to clean up her stomach while she giggled and squirmed under me.
With my boxers out of commission, I pull my jeans on and settled on my side, propping myself up on an elbow to face her. While she had put her panties back on, she remained topless. There was no way I could leave while she was naked. I nabbed my hoodie off the ground and handed it to her. With an eager smile, she tugged it on.
Apparently, she didn’t feel nearly as awkward as I did because as soon as she relaxed on the pillows, she curled into my chest. I dropped my arm under her head,
and she snuggled in tight. It was absolutely perfect. But I knew it was fleeting.
“You okay?” I asked, slightly concerned that I had been too rough.
“Mmmm, very,” she mumbled against my chest, punctuating it with a kiss.
“Eliza?”
“Yeah.”
“I meant what I said.”
“Me too.” she responded lazily, squeezing me.
I held her for several minutes before I heard her take a deep breath and release it on a sigh as she fell asleep. It was music to my failing ears. It was also gut wrenching because it signaled the end.
Our goodbye was bound to happen. People like us didn’t get handed happiness on a silver platter. We had to work for it. Her working for it meant going away to college, and mine would be hustling and busting my ass just to squeak by.
I didn’t want to let her go, but the end was near. She was leaving. I wasn’t about to be the one sitting around, watching her go. It might have been considered selfish to some, but to me, it was self-preservation. I’d remember that night. The highest of the highs.
I lay there for a while longer, grieving my loss. I didn’t regret having taken the risk for one second though. Even if she forgot me in time, I’d always have one night where, for a brief moment, my fantasy had merged with reality into a world where Eliza was mine in every way possible.
When I was able to slip out of her grasp, I walked to the window and pulled in the easel I had made her as a graduation present. It wasn’t anything fancy. Really, it was just the spare scraps of wood I had collected from my job at the construction site. I had one of the guys do me a favor and lend me a sander and some stain so it at least looked nice. It wasn’t much, but I knew she’d love it. So I left it there for her to find. I couldn’t be there in the morning to see her face when she saw it, but I wanted her to have it anyway.
I considered walking out of the door when I left that night—closing that fantasy world once and for all. Coming in the window might have been a silly superstition I’d started all those years earlier, but it felt real to me. I went so far as to grab the doorknob, but at the last second, I couldn’t follow through. So after one last glance over my shoulder at Eliza as she slept in my hoodie, I crawled back out of that magical window for the very last time.
