by Lisa Heidke
Separated. The word rolled around inside her head. She’d be like Stella. Amazing how quickly a person’s life could change. Last week, Jesse couldn’t have imagined walking in Stella’s shoes. This week? Well, they were practically treading the same path. It was reassuring knowing Stella was on her side. Maybe she’d tell Stella about the Secret Women’s Business meetings, once she’d become comfortable with the women there and could hold her own. Stella might even attend meetings with her. A distinct possibility.
The recent hiccups at the library had been just that—hiccups. The worst had been a couple of weeks ago when Liz had pulled her off the loans desk because Jesse’s nervous habits had resulted in a line of borrowers that extended beyond the periodicals section. Jesse had been truly shocked to discover so many witnesses to her silly behaviour. She needed to check herself and make sure it didn’t happen again. She needed to concentrate, to focus on her career as a progressive, caring and efficient librarian. Positive thoughts. When the timing was right and Liz was in a charitable mood, she’d ask her about the full-time position. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have the qualifications. If Liz gave her a chance, Jesse was confident she could handle the responsibility.
Jesse pulled into the library car park twenty minutes late. She forced herself to breathe deeply several times before she entered the building. She was determined to have a successful day no matter what obstacles she faced.
I’d been at the library an hour when Jesse rushed in.
‘Sorry I’m late. Bad traffic, roadworks, wet weather, the lot,’ she said as she locked her handbag in the staff cupboard. ‘Where is she?’
‘Relax. At a meeting up the road with the other library heads.’
Jesse nodded and disappeared into the bathroom. When she came out, I handed her a coffee. ‘Tell me what’s been happening?’
She sipped her drink. ‘Where to start? But first tell me what I should be doing.’
‘There’s a bit of printing and filing to be done and a load of shelving. Are you up for it?’
I didn’t want to sound patronising but I also wanted to protect her. If she wasn’t up to shelving the books correctly, I’d prefer she didn’t do it at all. There were plenty of other tasks that needed doing.
‘No problem,’ she said. ‘Have you spoken to Liz about my idea for a monthly book club?’
I shook my head. I’d completely forgotten. ‘Not yet.’
‘Maybe we could talk to her later today?’
‘Sure.’
A monthly book club was a great idea, but the staff were already overstretched.
I left Jesse to get on with it while I continued organising author week, which was less than a month away. Liz had left me phone numbers for a dozen publishers’ publicists but I hadn’t made much of a dent in the list by the time she returned.
‘How’s it going?’ she asked, her eyes veering towards Jesse.
‘Great.’ But I didn’t have any idea. I’d been so busy I hadn’t checked on Jesse since she’d begun shelving.
‘I’ve got a pile of reports to fill out by this afternoon,’ Liz continued. She sighed. ‘I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s the same after every meeting.’
She disappeared into her office. A good sign. She was too busy to pull Jesse aside and ask her twenty questions.
Jesse and I crossed paths in the periodicals section later in the morning.
‘Fill me in,’ I whispered.
‘Steve didn’t come home last night. He knows I’m serious about him leaving.’
‘And?’
‘And I think it’s going to be really hard. I had no idea what he was up to … I mean, when I force myself to think about it, I can vaguely recall snippets that might have suggested …’ She shook her head. ‘And then all the stuff with Louisa.’
‘Like what?’ I said, keeping my voice low and pretending to tidy Marie Claire magazines.
Jesse shook her head again. ‘Louisa knew about Steve.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know the full story, but Louisa used to … she used to be professionally involved in those parties.’
‘No way!’ I knew Louisa had been a wild child, but still.
‘She was a dominatrix apparently. She knew Steve before I did.’
Liz’s voice interrupted us. ‘Are you two actually doing any work?’ She checked her watch. ‘Stella, you can go on your lunch break.’
I glanced up at one of the wall clocks. It was almost time to meet Mike. I felt uneasy about leaving Jesse with Liz but the way Liz was glaring at me, I had no choice.
‘Fine,’ I said, squeezing Jesse’s hand. ‘We’ll talk more later.’
was still processing the extraordinary information about Louisa as I walked to Cafe 42. A revelation like that would have knocked Jesse out. Louisa and Steve? I would never have guessed it. Had they ever …? I couldn’t even finish the thought. Bizarre. It just went to show what people were capable of hiding from their family and friends. Perhaps that had something to do with why Louisa had left Sydney.
Mike was already seated at a table when I arrived. He smiled, stood up and kissed me on the cheek. Part of me was disappointed he didn’t go straight for the lips. He smelled like freshly cut grass. Swoon.
‘Nice to see you,’ he said, stepping back self-consciously and taking his seat again.
I nodded shyly. ‘You too. Short shift today?’
‘Probably not. I’m on call. No doubt there’ll be an emergency. There usually is.’
It occurred to me how demanding Mike’s job would be, never being able to relax and completely switch off.
‘It must be incredible doing the work you do,’ I said. ‘Saving lives.’
He nodded, raking a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t always win.’
We ordered lunch and made small talk while we waited for it to arrive: kids, travel and, of course, the other night.
He had a way of looking me direct in the eyes when he spoke, and also when he listened to my replies, that made me nervous but was also very attractive. I wondered why on earth his wife had ever let him go. I could feel myself wanting to touch him and wondered if it was just physical attraction or if it went beyond that, perhaps hoping that this might be the start of something deeper.
Deeper? No! What was I thinking? I’d only just ended a marriage to a man I’d loved very much and who happened to be the father of my teenage children. I needed to take a huge step back.
Still, when Mike reached out and took hold of my hand across the table, I didn’t pull away.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.
I glanced at my watch. ‘That I should be getting back to work.’
‘How disappointing.’
‘No, I meant … this has been nice.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘Nice in that it was totally boring and awkward and you can’t wait to escape? Or nice in that you wish your lunch break wasn’t so short and perhaps if this was dinner …?’
I shifted in my chair. ‘The second option, I think.’
‘You think?’
‘Stop it, Mike.’ I grinned feeling heat rush through me, warming my face. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘I think we need to have dinner to find out what you really mean.’ He reached out, pushing the hair back from my face. It had been a long time since anyone made me feel like this.
I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face on the walk back to the library. Was this really happening? Mike and me? Maybe I was getting ahead of myself but I couldn’t deny the attraction between us. I felt like I was floating on air.
I was locking my bag away when Jesse appeared looking visibly upset.
‘Liz thinks I’m too slow stacking books and cataloguing DVDs,’ she said.
‘I’m sure it’s not that bad. You’re meticulous, organised and thorough. The customers love you. I’ll talk to Liz—’
‘That’s not the issue and you know it,’ Liz said behind me.
I wheeled around to face her.
‘What is it then?’ Jesse asked.
‘It’s about Stella covering for you when she should be doing her own job.’
‘I—’ I started, but Liz cut me off.
‘Here’s the thing, Jesse. I understand you like to have everything in order, and I’m not suggesting that you stack the books by height, colour and width. But you’re too slow most of the time and, well, we’re not running a charity.’
‘I’m not slow all the time.’
‘No, you’re not,’ I agreed.
‘But you are when you’re tired or having a bad day, like today,’ said Liz, gesturing to where Jesse had been stacking shelves. She’d barely made a dent in the trolleys.
‘Maybe you just need a break,’ I said calmly, knowing Jesse was about to have a full meltdown and that Liz was looking for any excuse to ask her to take unpaid leave for a month.
Jesse turned to me. ‘A break from the library is the last thing I need.’
‘Good thinking, Stella,’ said Liz at the same time. ‘A holiday is exactly what Jesse needs.’
‘No, I don’t.’ Jesse was practically screaming.
I felt ill. I’d totally put my foot in it. ‘I meant a break as in a walk outside,’ I back-pedalled. ‘To take you out of the situation so you can walk back inside feeling fresh.’
Liz rolled her eyes. ‘I think Jesse knows the job is getting too much for her. She also knows we’re trying to run a business.’ She looked at Jesse and attempted a smile. ‘Sometimes it’s like you’re living in a different world …’
Jesse twirled her hair, becoming more agitated.
‘That’s not fair,’ I said, but Liz stopped me.
‘Stella, Skyla needs relieving on the customer relations desk.’
‘But—’
‘Now.’
Not wanting to create a bigger scene, I did as I was instructed, but I felt I’d let Jesse down. God knows what Liz was about to say but I had a bad feeling and now I wasn’t there to support her.
Minutes later, Jesse rushed past me in floods of tears. I went after her.
‘Jesse?’
‘I’ve been made redundant. Effective immediately.’
‘No!’ This was much worse than I’d expected. I felt responsible. I’d never wanted this to happen. Yes, maybe Jesse needed a rest and to see a counsellor, but to lose her job? This would kill her. Jesse loved the library.
‘Why didn’t you back me up, Stella? I needed your support.’
‘I do support you—all the time. I’m so sorry this is such a mess. I’ll sort it out with Liz. We’ll work something out.’
‘The library’s the only thing I have that’s mine, that makes me feel good about myself,’ she said. ‘Now, I have nothing.’
‘Jesse,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. ‘We’ll get through this.’
I didn’t want her hurrying out upset and angry. And I meant what I’d said. I was going to talk to Liz and sort this out if I could. What did I mean ‘if’? I had to, for Jesse’s sake.
Her expression changed from despair to resignation. ‘You might, but …’ She shook her head. ‘It’s okay. I mean it’s not the end of the world. There are plenty more libraries, hey?’
I nodded, but didn’t trust myself to look at her. I should have had her back and I hadn’t.
‘I’ve got to get out of here,’ she continued, swinging her bag over her shoulder. ‘If I’ve forgotten anything, can you keep it for me?’
‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s all right,’ she said, drying her eyes. ‘Maybe a rest is exactly what I need. You never know, Liz might be doing me a huge favour.’
I started to walk with her to the door but she stopped me.
‘You have a job to do. Besides, it’s raining.’
‘I’ll call you tonight,’ I said, and watched her run to her car.
Jesse sped out of the car park and onto the main road. Her mind was racing, leapfrogging from one thought to the next as the rain lashed her car and the windscreen wipers whooshed furiously. With the tears that were streaming down her face, the visibility ahead was practically zero. Jesse kept her eyes on the road as she mulled over the day’s events. She’d been made redundant! The one thing that had been keeping her going, keeping her strong and focused, had been her job. Now Liz had ripped it from her. Perhaps if it was just a matter of losing her job alone, Jesse could have coped, but coming on top of Steve’s betrayal and infidelity …
What could she have done differently to hold her marriage together? To go back to how it used to be? To make Steve love her again? Where had that love gone? Had it simply vanished one day while he was drinking his morning latte and reading the Financial Review? Or had it slowly eroded over time, chipping away until there was nothing left?
The more she thought about his double life, the more furious and upset she became. She’d been patient and kind. She’d loved him … and for what? Reality felt like a sharp dagger slicing open her heart. What had made him go to those parties? Was it boredom? With her, with their marriage? When Steve was at those parties, did he consider Jesse at all? How she might feel about what he was doing?
Then there was Louisa. Her own sister had been lying to her for years. How could she have let Jesse marry Steve, knowing what she did? Why hadn’t Louisa warned her? Protected her from the hideous revelation that lay ahead?
Carly and her big mouth. If only she hadn’t blurted it all out, Jesse would be none the wiser. And Stella! Jesse had practically begged her to talk to Liz and convince her that she’d be a valuable full-time employee, but Stella had chosen not to support her.
She couldn’t control her thoughts or tears … jumping from Steve to Louisa to losing her job, the Secret Women’s Business meetings. Jesse wanted her old life back. Damn it! Why was this happening to her?
The rain was coming down in thick sheets. Yellow hazard lights flashed at the side of the road, warning of the ditches that were prone to flash flooding. Jesse’s foot tapped wildly on the accelerator and her hands clenched the steering wheel so hard they were a ghostly white. She needed to stop the car, calm down and get a grip. And she would, just as soon as she could see well enough to pull over.
marched straight into Liz’s office and slammed the door closed. ‘How could you?’
Liz looked up from her computer. ‘How could I what?’
‘Retrench her? She’s devastated.’
‘What choice did I have, Stella? If anything, I should have done it months ago.’
‘But you have no idea about her family situation. This couldn’t have come at a worse time.’
‘I’m sorry if Jesse’s personal life is problematic, but she’s a liability. It was only a matter of time before we had real problems.’
‘So you’re saying we don’t have real problems with her now? That this situation could have been avoided?’
‘Stella, you’re being deliberately difficult. We don’t have the funds or the resources to keep up with Jesse patrol.’
‘But on her good days, she positively beams and she’s always up-to-date with new releases. Jesse lives and breathes the library and the patrons love her for it.’
‘I’m sorry, Stella. My mind’s made up.’
We stared at each other a few moments before Liz said, ‘Anything else?’
‘You can’t do this.’
‘I can. It’s done. End of story.’ She shook her head and went back to reading her computer monitor. I stood my ground until she looked up again. ‘Seriously, Stella. I don’t have time for this.’
‘Neither do I,’ I said. ‘I quit.’
I grabbed my bag and marched out of the library.
I shook my head as I walked to my car. What had I just done? My job! Fuck. I couldn’t afford to quit. Besides, I loved the library. Yes, Liz was a pain, but she was a manageable pain most of the time. Nevertheless, I had to stick up for Jesse. Support her, go after her and talk her down, which was exactly what I intended to do.
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I swung out onto the road, still furious with Liz. The woman had no compassion. She was a cyborg, no doubt about it.
It was hard to hear my phone ringing over the downpour but eventually I did. I fumbled through my bag and reached for it. ‘Yes?’ I said distractedly.
‘Stella, it’s Toby. I’ve got June’s test results. She doesn’t—’
I was having trouble concentrating, not to mention that visibility was almost nil. ‘Sorry. Could you repeat that?’
‘June doesn’t appear to have Alzheimer’s,’ said Toby calmly. ‘Doctor Gordon’s only conducted preliminary memory tests, as you know, but it doesn’t look sinister.’
Relief washed over me. ‘Thank goodness.’
‘We’ll schedule her for further appointments so we can absolutely rule it out, but I’m confident …’
I could barely hear Toby over the rain, and the cars in front of me had come to a standstill. There was some sort of commotion up ahead. Looked like a car accident. Smoke was billowing everywhere.
‘Stella?’ Toby said. ‘Stella, are you there?’
‘There’s been an accident,’ I said, pulling up on the side of the road. ‘Oh my God. It’s Jesse,’ I screamed, as I saw her car mangled up against a huge gum tree. The front part was totally wrecked.
‘Stella?’
‘We … we need an ambulance,’ I cried, dropping my mobile and tripping over my feet in my frantic attempt to get out of my car.
Two men were trying to break open the front doors of Jesse’s car.
‘What happened?’ I shrieked to the few bystanders who were watching.
‘She drove into a tree,’ said one.
I walked closer to the wreckage.
‘Don’t,’ said a man, grabbing me by the arm. ‘Don’t go any closer.’
‘I have to. She’s my best friend.’ I was shaking, doing my best to remain upright.
The stranger continued holding me. ‘We’ve called an ambulance. Shouldn’t be too much longer.’
I could see Jesse slumped back against the driver’s seat, bloodied, unconscious. There were sirens in the distance, getting closer.
