by Lisa Heidke
Everyone was tired. Worn out. Trying to make sense of the last four days. But still, Louisa was itching to have a go at Steve. How he could stand there like he’d done nothing wrong was incomprehensible to her. She glared at him but he took no notice.
‘Go and play on the swings with Ollie,’ he told Emily, ‘while I have a word with Nanna and Pop.’ She obeyed him and he turned to his in-laws. ‘The doctors say Jesse’s not doing as well as they’d expected.’
‘She has internal injuries,’ Dot said. ‘It was only the airbag that saved her. She drove so fast into that tree. Why?’ She banged her fist on the table.
‘Easy, love,’ said Tom, grabbing her hand and pulling it towards him.
‘She’s going to be fine, Mum. You’ll see,’ said Louisa, struggling to keep her voice calm. The last thing they needed was her mother’s theatrics taking centrestage.
‘I knew something was up with her, Louisa. I knew it. She hasn’t been herself.’
‘Leave it, Dot,’ Tom said, glancing over at Steve.
Louisa closed her eyes as her mother continued talking.
‘I could see it. Whenever she dropped a pen on the floor she had to tap her right foot three times before she bent down to pick it up. And what about her checking all the locks on the house before she went out? She was stressed. I should have stepped in and done something. I should have known it would end like this.’ Dot started crying. ‘Goodness knows how she got on at the library.’
‘Come on, Mum,’ Louisa said, putting her arm around her. ‘From what Jesse told me, she loves working at the library.’
Steve snorted. ‘How would you know? I told her the job was too stressful.’
‘It wasn’t the job causing her stress,’ Louisa said pointedly. ‘She wanted to be at the library. She looked forward to it.’
‘True,’ agreed Dot.
‘Whatever,’ said Steve.
Dot turned to him. ‘What about you? Did you notice her habits getting worse?’
Steve puffed out his chest. ‘Of course. Even Ollie’s picked up a few of them.’
‘And did you do anything to help her?’ Louisa asked, unable to stop herself. She’d had enough of her brother-in-law, and was more than ready to reveal some significant truths about him.
‘Of course I tried to help her,’ said Steve, indignant.
‘Did you really?’ Dot said. ‘Because I never saw it.’
‘Dot,’ Tom cautioned.
‘You must have seen she wasn’t herself—or were you too busy to notice?’ Dot’s tone had a sharp edge to it.
‘I noticed, Dot. I told her to get help. Just the other afternoon, actually, when she had the fall.’
‘And where were you then, Steve? I was the first to reach Jesse even though I called you straight after Louisa phoned me. I was at your house for a good thirty minutes before you turned up and your office is only fifteen minutes away.’
‘Thank you, Dot, but I can’t leave work mid-meeting. Our company is involved in some highly secretive and strategic movements right now. It’s non-stop. I can’t just up and leave every time there’s a crisis at home. My staff rely on me. And, yes, I did notice something was up with her. That’s why I told her to get help. I can’t watch over her twenty-four seven.’
‘Told her, yes. But did you actually help?’
‘What are you implying? And, by the way, what did you do to help?’ Steve was glaring at Dot. ‘Jesse always seems particularly stressed after talking to you.’
‘Let’s stop right there,’ said Tom. ‘This isn’t helping anyone.’
Steve looked towards the playground. The kids, oblivious to the adults’ conversation, were playing on the seesaw.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘But her behaviour was affecting the children, Ollie in particular.’
‘So you agree it’s gotten worse in recent months?’ Dot said.
Steve nodded.
‘There you go,’ Dot said. ‘There has to be a reason. Once we find the source of her worries, we’ll have the answer to why she’s been so stressed over the past few months.’
Tom nodded.
‘I don’t understand why she didn’t talk to me about it,’ Dot went on. ‘I’m her mother.’
‘Maybe she tried,’ Louisa said.
‘I know what you’re all thinking,’ said Steve. ‘It’s my fault. I’m the bastard responsible!’
Louisa couldn’t have put it better herself.
‘I can hear you lot from inside the chapel,’ said Milly, Louisa’s elderly grandmother, as she walked towards their table.
Louisa got out of her chair to hug her. ‘Grandma!’ She kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’m so happy to see you.’
Louisa loved Milly. Her fondest memories of growing up involved her grandma: Christmas drinks at which Milly got slaughtered after two tumblers of sherry; Jesse’s seventh birthday party where she’d given a pink piglet piñata such a ferocious beating all the other parents had looked alarmed.
‘Despite the metre in height I’ve lost?’ Milly said.
Louisa smiled. ‘You’re just as I remember you.’
‘Don’t give me that nonsense, Louisa. I wasn’t born yesterday. When did you fly in?’
‘A little while ago.’
‘Seen your poor sister then?’
Louisa nodded.
‘And your niece and nephew?’
She nodded again.
Milly looked around the table at everyone. ‘Couldn’t spare a few moments to pray to our Lord? Even short prayers find their way to heaven. You’re all too busy for that I see.’
Dot rolled her eyes. Tom squirmed in his seat. Steve half-smiled.
‘But you’ve got time for coffee and cake!’ Milly was on a roll. ‘Am I the only believer here? I’m in the chapel, praying, asking for guidance, and I walk out and what do I find? You lot huddled together, caterwauling and sipping cappuccinos. The Lord should be our caffeine at this time.’
‘Okay, Mum, that’s enough,’ said Dot, helping Milly into an uncomfortable plastic cafe chair. ‘I’m surprised you’d pray in a chapel anyway, given your newfangled ways. Would you like a tea?’
Milly nodded. ‘Yes, I think I would.’
‘Well,’ said Steve, getting up, ‘I’d better take the kids to school.’
‘But what about Jesse and the doctors?’ asked Dot.
‘I’ll go up now before I leave.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ Louisa said.
Steve glared at her but said nothing.
‘Steve,’ Doctor Thompson said as soon as he saw them, ‘I’m afraid I have bad news.’
Louisa covered her mouth with her hand. Please let her be okay, she thought. Everything appeared to be moving in slow motion. She wanted the doctor to get on with it and tell them the news, but when he started speaking again his words were fuzzy. Louisa stumbled and the doctor caught her.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
She closed her eyes in an effort to compose herself. ‘Of course. Go on.’ But she was still having trouble focusing. Jet lag. Her mouth tasted funny and the room was spinning. Maybe if she sat down …
‘Pregnant?’ Steve spat out the word.
That got Louisa’s attention. Jesse, pregnant? Man, that sister of hers was good at keeping secrets—rather like Louisa herself.
‘There must be some mistake,’ Steve went on. ‘Jesse can’t possibly be pregnant.’
‘I’m sorry, but whatever the case, unfortunately your wife has miscarried.’
Steve didn’t seem to hear. ‘We had this talk only last week. She’s not pregnant. It’s impossible.’ He sounded livid.
‘Calm down,’ Louisa said, regaining some strength. ‘Maybe she didn’t get the memo.’ She turned to the doctor, feeling light-headed but focused. ‘How pregnant?’
‘Approximately six weeks,’ he said.
‘Six weeks!’ Steve fumed. ‘This just keeps getting better. I don’t—’
‘Is she okay?’ Louisa asked. ‘How will t
his affect her recovery?’
‘The miscarriage won’t affect Jesse’s physical recovery. But any time a woman suffers a miscarriage there’s the inevitable emotional trauma.’ He looked at Steve. ‘I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me.’
‘She must have known she was pregnant all this time,’ Steve said after the doctor had left the room. ‘Did you know as well?’
‘Me?’ said Louisa. ‘I knew she wanted another baby, but no, I didn’t know she was pregnant. Maybe Jesse didn’t know either.’
‘Ha! She would have known! And just when the hell was she going to tell me? On the way to the delivery room? Despite everything we talked about, she went and got herself pregnant. Again.’
Louisa sat down beside Jesse. ‘Under the circumstances, it doesn’t really matter.’ Steve went to say something else, but Louisa pointedly ignored him and took Jesse’s hand. ‘Jesse, can you hear me? It’s Louisa. I’m here with you. Can you hear me, sweetheart?’
‘As if she can bloody well hear you,’ said Steve. ‘Look at her.’
‘We’re supposed to talk to her,’ Louisa started.
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Yes, actually. We need to let her know we’re here. Talk to her about what’s happening in our lives. Ask her questions, include her.’ She stroked Jesse’s hand. ‘We’re not going to leave until you get better, Jess.’
‘Great,’ said Steve. ‘When she starts talking back and tells you why she got pregnant, let me know.’
‘She’s not pregnant any more, Steve.’
‘No … Well, when she wakes up—’
‘What? You’re going to yell at her for not obeying your orders?’
Steve rolled his eyes. ‘Jesse knows she’s in the wrong. I just want her to admit it. Then we can put all of this nonsense behind us.’
Louisa glared at him, unable to speak.
‘It’s late,’ he said, glancing at his watch. ‘I’ve got to drop the children at school and get to work.’
‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ she said as he moved past her towards the door.
He stopped and turned around, looking puzzled. He checked his pockets for his wallet and keys. ‘No, I don’t—’
‘Don’t you want to kiss your wife before you leave?’
Steve did a for-fuck’s-sake eye roll and walked over to the bed. He bent and kissed Jesse’s bandaged forehead. ‘See you soon, darling.’ He straightened and glared at Louisa. ‘Happy? It’s not as if she knows I’m kissing her.’
‘I can see this is really tearing you up.’
‘Don’t you dare talk to me about compassion, Louisa. You waltz in here, holier than thou, after an absence of six years, expecting everyone to fall at your feet. Don’t you dare think you’re better than me. If Jesse wasn’t in this state, you’d still be on the other side of the world basking in your debauched lifestyle.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘You’ve never had any intention of coming back.’
‘What would you know? I love Jesse.’
‘Yeah, of course you do, Louisa. She’s got all of your letters to prove it.’ And he pushed past her and out into the corridor.
arly and I were about to enter the hospital cafeteria when Liz phoned. She sounded distraught. I turned and walked outside to our familiar bench in the sunshine. Carly followed me and sat down. I paced as Liz talked.
‘Skyla told me the news. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for days. I can’t believe it. How’s Jesse? Is it bad?’
I filled her in as best I could.
‘You don’t think I caused this, do you?’ she said.
What was I supposed to say? Yes, Jesse was so upset over losing her job, she got distracted by the rain and her tears and drove into a tree. I wasn’t that heartless. Liz was suffering enough.
‘No, Liz,’ I said after a pause. ‘I think it was probably a combination of bad weather and bad luck.’
‘I’ve sent flowers.’
‘She’ll appreciate that.’
‘Stella, you’re not really quitting, are you? We need you.’
‘Thanks, but I can’t really think about the library right now. My priority is Jesse. At the moment I can’t think beyond the next hour, let alone the next day or week.’
‘Of course. Take your time. We’ve got a couple of casuals filling in.’
‘How did that go?’ Carly asked after I’d ended the call.
I shrugged. ‘Liz feels responsible.’
‘We all do.’
‘Yeah. And I know Jesse wouldn’t want me quitting. But I’m still furious with Liz. Eventually, life will have to return to some kind of normalcy. I mean, we can’t wait at the hospital all day and night for weeks on end.’
Carly nodded. ‘But I feel so guilty getting on with the everyday while Jesse’s here. It all seems so pointless.’
‘I know. Every time I think about leaving the hospital, I panic. I don’t want to leave Jesse alone. She needs us, especially when she first opens her eyes.’
The last few days had passed in a blur. All the waiting … and then, when we were allowed to see her, the reality that this wasn’t some minor bump to the head. The woman lying in intensive care, all battered and bandaged, hooked up to tubes and machines, didn’t look like Jesse.
‘At least Louisa’s here now,’ Carly said. ‘That’ll make Jesse happy. Coffee?’
I nodded.
Inside the cafe, we walked over to where Dot and Tom were sitting.
‘Great news that Louisa’s arrived,’ I said.
Dot nodded.
‘Any other news?’ asked Carly.
‘There’s never any news,’ said Dot sadly.
‘She’s …’ Tom faltered. ‘She’s had another seizure, but they’ve given her medication.’
‘The doctors say that’s not out of the ordinary,’ I said, trying to sound encouraging.
Tom nodded. ‘You’re right. For now, there’s essentially nothing we can do except wait, but it’s so frustrating.’
That’s what we were all doing. Waiting. And I’d never been good at that.
Carly and I left Tom and Dot and went to the counter.
‘You know what? I don’t think I can face another coffee,’ Carly said.
‘Me either,’ I agreed. ‘So now what?’
‘I feel like I’m in the way. I might—’
‘Look,’ I whispered. Louisa and Steve were standing just outside the cafeteria, glaring at each other.
We went to join them. ‘How is she?’ I asked.
‘In a coma,’ replied Steve.
I stood there appalled, not knowing where to look, afraid of bursting into tears at any moment.
‘Hi,’ said Carly, extending her hand to Louisa. ‘You must be Jesse’s sister. I’m Carly.’
Steve rolled his eyes and pushed past us.
Louisa shook her head, then smiled at Carly as she blinked back tears. ‘Nice to finally meet you.’
I put my arm around her. ‘Jesse’ll be okay.’
‘I know,’ Louisa sniffed. ‘She has to be. Now, if you’ll excuse me … ’ She went to join her parents.
‘Stella, I think I’ll get going and come back later,’ Carly said, glancing at her watch.
I spotted Mike down the corridor. ‘I won’t be far behind you,’ I said. ‘I’ll just have a quick word with Mike.’
‘Okay,’ said Carly. ‘Let me know if there’s any news.’
‘Will do,’ I said, dashing away down the hall. ‘Mike!’
He turned and waited for me to catch up.
‘How is she?’
‘I wish I had better news,’ he said, giving my arm a gentle rub.
‘Have the seizures been bad?’
‘No. Still …’
‘Still, what?’ I pressed.
‘Our biggest concern is that she’s still unconscious; she hasn’t opened her eyes once since the accident.’ He paused and I could almost hear him deliberating over what to say next. ‘Stella, I’m afraid it’s up
to Jesse now whether or not she wakes up. The best thing you can do is talk to her—tell her what’s going on in your life, your friends’ lives. I know how hard this must be for you, but at the moment it’s a waiting game.’
‘And the odds?’
Mike grimaced. ‘I don’t give odds.’
‘Even? Sixty-forty? What?’ I hesitated for a moment. ‘What about her brain?’
He glanced down at his hands before answering. ‘We’re hoping for a one hundred per cent recovery, Stella, but there’s no way to tell what her brain is going to do. I’m sorry, but there’s no magic shot and no surgery option. Only time will tell.’
I shook my head. It was hard to take in.
‘Talk to her,’ he said again. ‘Tell her how you feel. And, Stella, whatever happens, don’t neglect your own family. It’s easy to get caught up with what’s happened to Jesse, but, as harsh as it sounds, life goes on, and your children need you as much as ever. Don’t forget that.’
I nodded.
‘Stella … ’ He hesitated.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. I need to check on other patients, but I promise I’ll let you know if there are any changes to Jesse’s condition.’
After Mike had disappeared into an elevator, I stood rigid for a few moments, deciding what to do. I wanted to see Jesse, but I didn’t want to intrude on Jesse’s family; I was starting to feel I’d outstayed my welcome. Maybe if I just peered in on her? I wouldn’t stay long. I just needed to check in and say hello.
Arriving at Jesse’s room, I peeked in and was relieved to see only Louisa there.
‘Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt,’ I started.
‘Not at all. Come in.’
I pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of Jesse’s bed. Together, we stared at her.
‘Any change?’ I asked.
Louisa shook her head. ‘Did you know she was pregnant?’
‘Pregnant? She’ll be so happy.’ Then I realised what Louisa had said. ‘Wait. Was pregnant?’
Louisa nodded. ‘She miscarried.’
‘No!’
‘Yeah. She was about six weeks along. You didn’t know?’
I shook my head. ‘Maybe Jesse didn’t know either.’
‘Maybe.’ Louisa gripped her sister’s hand tighter. ‘Are you in there, Jess? I’m sorry about the fight with Steve. Despite what that prick says, I do love you, darling.’
