Colton gives me a quick glance. “Up for a nightcap? We still have a few minutes before the bar closes.”
After last night, the thought of drinking is definitely not that appealing. But no way can I resist his charming face. “Sure. I could maybe do one.”
Like the parking lot, the bar is practically empty, save for a few couples in the corners and some stragglers sitting at the bar itself. We take a seat at a table in the back, where it’s more secluded.
“What’re you having?” he asks.
“A white wine spritzer… and I mean it this time,” I laugh. “I need to work in the morning.”
“Comin’ right up.”
A moment later he returns with our drinks. He takes a sip of his beer and sets it down while I taste my wine.
“Would you tell me something?” I ask.
He gets a slightly wary look on his face. “Shoot.”
“Why do you like working with cars so much? What’s the great appeal in hunks of rust and metal?”
Colton smiles and takes another swig of his beer.
“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. They’re more than just metal parts. There’s a soul there, if you look hard enough.”
“A soul?” I frown. “They seem like just busted up old cars.”
“I like those the best. They remind me that no matter how old, ugly, neglected and broken something gets, with some time, and hard work, and a little care, anything can be brought back better than new.”
“Hmmm.” I smile to myself. It’s weird. I never thought I’d be into the blue-collar type of guy, but the passion I see in his eyes is so attractive. He does it because he loves it. He takes pride in his work, and he tries to create beauty from otherwise discarded junk.
“My turn,” he says.
I look at him.
“So what really brought you out here… really?”
I let out a deep sigh and look away. Back to this again, are we? But at least this time his eyes are gentle, questioning… not angry and accusatory.
“Have you ever just needed to run away from the reality of your life for a while?” I murmur.
When I glance back at him his blue eyes are focused squarely on me.
“Yes.”
I shrug and take a sip of my wine.
“Not good enough,” he says, shaking his head. “What happened?”
I take another deep breath and consider my words carefully. “I was in a relationship with someone for a very long time. Years. It ended badly, to put it mildly.”
He narrows his eyes. “So you moved all the way across the continent to get away from him?”
I bite my lip and look away again. I really hope he doesn’t press this because I won’t tell him details. I can’t.
“Yes… and no. It wasn’t just about him. Basically, I just really wanted to get away and to start over. A fresh page, a new life. My life. Honestly, I had no idea where to go. My best friend was leaving for a job in New York for the year, and my parents are always traveling. I just wanted to be in some place, a safe place, where no one knew me or my problems and I could just sort of…”
“Get lost?”
I shrug and smile. “Yeah… kind of. The life I had out in California… almost all of it was built around my ex. It wasn’t really my life. So I needed to find mine.”
Colton studies me. “So have you found it yet?”
I look at him for a moment, enjoying watching his face as it focuses on mine. I don’t recall Brandon ever giving me his genuine, undivided attention the way Colton seems to do.
“I think maybe I’m starting to… I want to,” I say with a small smile.
Colton takes a few more gulps of his beer. “I figured something had happened to you, something that hurt you bad.”
His words surprise me, and I stare at him.
“Sometimes… sometimes you get this look in your eyes. I don’t even think you know you do it, but your eyes, they get really sad and angry all at once. Like you’ve been through some shit.”
He looks at me, and I feel like I’m naked under a spotlight.
I just shrug. “Yeah, but who hasn’t? Everyone’s gone through crap in their life.”
He cocks an eyebrow and finishes his beer.
“Wanna get out of here?” he says softly.
I nod.
When we arrive back at the Manor I park the truck in the garage while Colton puts his Chevy away. He joins me, and together we slowly make our way toward the fountain. And just like last night, he doesn’t turn to go to his place, but follows me to mine. My heart jumps as he places his hand on my lower back, guiding me, and somehow I feel his strength flow through his hand and into me.
We reach the steps, and he waits for me to get the keys out of my purse.
“Thank you for today,” I say quietly, feeling the familiar heat return to my cheeks and belly, the way it always does when he looks at me this way.
He slides his arms around my waist pulling me close. Then he lowers his head as his lips find mine, and he kisses me, slowly and ever so softly. The gentleness stirs me to the core.
He pulls away and looks down at me through his thick lashes.
“You’re welcome,” he says, gently rubbing my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “But there’s really nothing to thank me for.”
How do I tell him he’s already done more for me than anyone else has in years?
I open the door, then look back at him. Biting my lip, I ask quietly, “Would you like to come in for a bit?” I give his hand a gentle squeeze.
He hesitates, as his gaze quickly flicks from my face to the open room behind me. Finally he clears his throat. “Probably shouldn’t. It’s getting sorta late.”
“Oh. Right. Okay…” I give him a small smile to hide the sting of his words. “Goodnight then.”
His lightly kisses the tip of my nose. “Good night, Cady.”
I go inside and gently close the door behind me. I lean against it for a moment, savoring the taste of his lips. So brief. And how badly I want more. But this is okay, I guess. It is late, and we had a long day.
A long, and very good day.
*****
“Happy BIRTH-DAY my dear best friend for life CA-DY. Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu!” I smile as I listen to Stacia serenade me at the top of her lungs over the phone.
“Thanks,” I laugh. I kick off my shoes and relax back on the couch.
“What do you have going on today?” she asks.
I grimace and roll my eyes. “Nothing. Just got off work.”
“You need to go celebrate!”
“It’s no big deal. No one even knows.”
“What? Why not? You only turn the big two-five once!”
I shrug. “No one really to tell, I guess. I just don’t want to make a big deal out of it. Have people feel obligated to do something for me, you know?”
Vivi was working, and Colton… well, I’m sure he couldn’t care less that it’s my birthday. I haven’t seen him much at all this past week except briefly in passing. He always seemed distracted, or in a hurry. I mean, it’s not like I expect him to be serenading me on the front porch every five minutes and professing his eternal, undying love for me, but it does seem that anytime we start to get a little closer, he has to pull himself even further away.
But at the same time, I have to admit it is kinda weird, us living in such close proximity and all. So I totally understand him needing his space. I’m even going so far as to avoid the kitchen again when I think he might be there.
I miss seeing him, though, and wish he would reach out to me. I thought things had changed between us after our day in Savanah. But now I wonder. I don’t know what to do. I can’t chase him… I wouldn’t. It’s just not at all in my nature. And besides, I feel like if I do anything, I’ll just push him further away.
But I’m starting to feel that he just comes around to get me interested in him, and then leaves again. Like I’m some game he’s playing. Like Brandon. And I’m getting tir
ed of it.
“I wish I could be there for you today.” Stacia’s voice brings me back. “You know I would if I could, right?”
“I know. I wish you were here too.” I get up and walking over to the window to look outside.
“How’s everything going… any new developments on the asshole situation?”
“Oh, other than the fact that he and Christian came up with a plan for us to still get married and they’d pay me two million plus dollars?”
Stacia gasps. “Shut up! Are you freakin’ kidding me?”
I let out a deep breath. “Nope.”
“Whoa… I mean, I’ve heard of these types of arrangements, but two million dollars? They must really be desperate!”
“Oh, that’s what they’ll give me up front just to do it. Then there’s an annual salary with a graduated pay scale that increases after ten years, and with a special bonus for every kid I allow to be artificially inseminated in me!”
“What?! I mean… what? You’re kidding.”
“Wish I was.”
She starts laughing. “I mean, it’s completely nuts!”
“Tell me about it.”
But after I go on to tell her everything my mom said to me, point-by-point, she sobers up.
“Are you even tempted at all?” she asks.
I lean against the wall, gazing out to the gardens. Stacia is the one person I can always be honest with, without fearing judgment. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. Who wouldn’t? Maybe it’s a logical, smart choice. If I remove emotion from the equation and look at it like a business arrangement, a job, well… people have done a whole lot worse for a whole lot less.”
“That’s very true,” Stacia murmurs.
“But the more I think about it,” I continue slowly. “I just don’t feel like it’s worth giving up my life, my identity… everything… just for some money. I want to fall in love, really in love. I want a family of my own, with a husband I adore with all my heart and soul, and who feels the same way about me. I’m not ready to sell that dream just yet, especially not to a coward and a psycho.”
“Good for you, girl!” Stacia says. “I’m proud. I don’t know too many people who could just walk away from that kind of money that easily.”
I shake my head even though she can’t see me. “Believe me, Stace, nothing about any of this has been easy at all.”
“I know,” she whispers. Then she perks up. “Well, so… started any new books yet?”
I walk back over to the chair and sit down. I can’t get into the Colton thing with her now. Not yet. Especially since I have no idea what’s even happening myself. If anything.
“There might be someone, maybe, but it’s really too soon to tell anything.”
“Hmmmm, sounds intriguing. Gonna keep me in suspense?”
“For now.” I smile. “What about you?”
“There might me someone… maybe… a guy that works in legal. He’s cute, and we’ve been talking.”
“Sparks?”
“Yeah… definitely.”
“Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.”
“Thanks.” I hear her hesitate and take a deep breath. “So, there’s actually something I need to tell you, and I’m not sure how you’ll feel. And with it being your birthday and all…”
“Oh my goodness, forget my birthday. Spill it!”
“Well, okay… There’s a really good possibility that I might be staying out here. Permanently.”
I suck in my breath. “Forever? Longer than just the year?”
“Well, no one knows the future forever, obviously. But my department is kicking ass and I love my job. They want to make it a permanent position, and maybe even expand to the London offices. I’d be going back and forth a lot, and it’s just not feasible to do that from LA.”
I take a moment for her words to sink in. Of course I knew we’d be living separate lives someday, but not like this. We always talked about how we’d get houses right next to each other and she’d find her dream guy and we’d do things as couples together. Our children would grow up together and be best friends just like us.
Another silly dream that will never happen.
“I’m so happy for you. And so proud.” I feel a light misting of tears. I am proud of her. But I don’t know how I’ll be able to adjust to the fact that I won’t have my best friend by me anymore. This temporary separation is now permanent. No more mani-pedi’s, sushi dates, wine-out-on-the-patio nights, or Netflix binge sessions. No more just having her here, nearby, to laugh with and talk with about anything and everything.
I feel like my heart is breaking.
“Obviously we’re going to get it set up to visit each other all the time,” she says softly. “Just as soon as things get settled down here. I’m already looking to get a bigger place real soon so that you have your very own room just waiting for you anytime you want to come out. And if you’re in South Carolina, that’s a whole lot closer than California. You’ll see. It’ll be just like old times.”
“Sounds amazing. That’ll be great.” My throat tightens. “Listen, I gotta go… I haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m practically ready to pass out.”
“Okay. Happy birthday again, Cady. Miss you. Love you.”
“Miss you, love you.”
I turn off the phone before the tears come in earnest.
Chapter 24.
After I eat, I need to get out for a bit to clear my head, so I decide to take a quick stroll through the gardens and then go over to Willie’s. I need someone to talk to, someone who won’t make me feel the things I’m trying not to.
He’s on his porch, rocking in his chair and whittling away, while soft music sounds from inside the house.
“Hi, Willie.” I take a seat next to him. “What’re you working on today?”
He holds it up for me to see. It’s a carving of an elephant, and once again I’m amazed at the intricate detail he’s able to create just by relying largely on his sense of touch.
“Wow, that’s really good.”
“Thank you, Miss Cady,” he says. “Now what’s troubling you this lovely evening?”
“What makes you think something’s wrong?”
“I may not be able to see the sadness in your pretty eyes, but I can hear it in your voice. Something is weighing heavy on your sweet soul. What is it?”
I let out a deep sigh. “Nothing. Just… life stuff, I guess.”
“What sorts?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I just feel… lost.”
Willie turns to me and frowns. “How so, Miss Cady?”
I shrug and pull my knees up to my chest. “I don’t really know. It just seems like everyone has their path all figured out in this world, but I can’t find mine. I don’t even feel like I have a real home anymore. I’m just wandering aimlessly.”
He leans back in his chair and sets his knife down on the small table beside him before turning back to me. “Well, now, that’s not always a bad thing. There’s a saying I like— ‘not all those who wander are lost’. Trying to find your place in this world doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lost in it.”
“Sure feels that way sometimes,” I mutter. He nods understandingly, and we’re both quiet for a moment. “It just seems like for so long, everything was clear. It was so easy to see my future, my path. Now it’s…” My voice drifts off, as I look over to the where the sun is fading behind the trees.
“As clear as mud?” Willie finishes and chuckles.
I give him a sad smile. “Something like that.”
He leans forward and readjusts his chair. “Let me tell you something, Miss Cady. Coming from someone who only sees mud these days, it’s not the only way to find your path in life.”
He reaches out and presses the carving in my hand, moving my fingers over the fine lines and indentations. “You feel… you touch… you know. All without seeing.”
My mouth twists into a grimace. “So you’re saying that ju
st because I can’t see my path anymore doesn’t mean I can’t find it?”
He chuckles under his breath. “I’m saying, you find your way by following what you feel in your soul. By listening to your heart. What you know to be true.”
I grasp the carving and shake my head. “But that’s the thing… I don’t even know what I know anymore! I don’t trust my feelings. I’ve been so wrong about so many things. I feel like I can’t rely on my own judgment anymore.”
“It can’t be as bad as all that, now,” he says gently.
I nod my head. “But it is. I used to think I knew what I wanted, and that the love I had, and life I had, was real. But it wasn’t. I was wrong, and now it’s all gone.”
Willie cocks his head. “And that’s a bad thing?”
I look over at him.
“Seems to me you’d be happy to leave behind a life that wasn’t real,” he continues. “Can’t find the right one if you’re busy living the wrong one.”
“But…” I can’t think of a reply to this.
“But, I know… It hurts. And it’s confusing. And it can be messy as hell. Like tearing down a big ol’ building that ain’t safe for livin’ in no more. There’s a big explosion, loud noises, lots o’ smoke and debris as it all comes crashin’ down. But then… the dust clears. The rubble gets cleared away. The ground becomes smooth again. And the rebuilding begins. And before too long a new, stronger building is in its place.”
I quickly wipe away the fresh tears that spring to my eyes.
“It don’t happen overnight,” he continues. “It don’t happen in a week or even a month. But it does happen. Just don’t spend your days lookin’ at that pile of rubble and wishin’ you could still live in it.”
I sit there and let his words sink in. How did he know the exact right thing to say to me right now? Finally I let out a huge breath… one I feel like I’ve been holding for years.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes and letting go of the past, but I am. And I know I can’t move forward until I do.”
The Dirty South Page 17
