I frown. “But that’s what I was trying to do.”
“Well, you need to try again. When you’re ready. When you‘ve had a chance to get some distance from it. I know you didn’t go out there planning on meeting someone, and I know you, Cady girl… you don’t just fall for anyone. But you have been through a ton lately. So just cool your heels here for as long as you like, take some time away from it, and when you’re ready to go back and talk to him, do it. And if it turns out that he’s just some worthless, flakey dick, well then… fuck ‘em! Come out here and live with me!”
I chuckle and shake my head. “Sounds like a plan.”
Stacia cocks an eyebrow and sits up straight. “Oh, there’s one other thing you need to get clear right now…”
I pause at the seriousness of her tone.
She reaches over and takes my hand. “You have a family. I am your family. And you will always have a home here with me. Always.”
*****
I have to admit, New York, and especially Manhattan, is far better than I imagined it would be. Unlike Stacia, I’ve never been one for the crowds and the high-octane, fast-paced lifestyle. But the energy of the city is really something else… like constantly being plugged into a powerful, unseen force.
On Friday I’d called Sheldon again, and he’d assured me I could take as much time as I needed. In fact, he said he was thinking of taking a few days off himself to go fishing, as things were kind of slow.
But by Sunday, I’m beginning to feel like I’ll need a vacation from my vacation. I think Stacia is making it her mission to cram every second so full of activities and fun, I won’t have any time to think about Colton. It’s almost working. Almost. But I can’t ignore the painful feeling I get in my gut, knowing that he hasn’t called or even texted once since I’ve been out here. He either didn’t notice I was gone, or didn’t care. Probably both.
The only other blight on the weekend is passing by a huge billboard in Times Square of Christian promoting his latest movie. Stacia and I both just groan and walk the other way. I didn’t tell her what happened with him a few weeks ago. There’s nothing she can do about it, and I don’t want her to worry.
Monday morning comes, and she has to go back to work, leaving me by myself to do whatever. I wander around the local park, read, and just try and unwind some. I have to admit I’m glad for the respite from all the running around, and appreciate having some alone time to try and process everything.
Last night, after we got home from dinner, Stacia had again broached the idea of me coming to live with her. Only this time she wasn’t kidding around.
“I have the space, and you can find a job in the city no problem. This is practically the cultural center of the world. You want to do your art, there are galleries on nearly every corner!”
Now as I pace her spacious apartment and gaze out the window at the cars driving by and the children walking home from school, I must admit her offer is tempting. It gives me a certain sense of safety and comfort to imagine living with her again… always having her to talk to, and do things with. It would be like old times.
But on the other hand… this is her world, her life. Not mine. Maybe after some time, maybe it could be. Maybe I could make a go of things out here. She did. Why can’t I?
I’m lost in my thoughts when I’m startled by a buzzing noise. I wander over to the kitchen counter and pick up my phone just as it stops vibrating. The screen says I have a missed call. Colton.
I stare at it, waiting to see if he’s going to leave a message. He doesn’t.
What did he want? Well, obviously it wasn’t that important.
I go into Stacia’s fridge and get myself a yogurt, still mulling over my next steps. Maybe the reason why everything was so “muddy” in South Carolina was because I was never supposed to be there in the first place. Maybe that whole thing with Colton was just a big mistake, and he’s not the right guy for me anyways.
I let out a deep sigh, and sink back into the easy chair as I stare out the window. Problem is… it didn’t feel like a mistake. It felt right. It felt good. Especially when I was with Colton. It was the only time in my life that I felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Until he killed it. Until he completely shut me out and turned to another, reopening all my fresh wounds. Only his cut deeper.
My phone buzzes again, and now I can’t even bring myself to answer it. My hurt is transitioning to anger. I don’t trust myself to talk to him, and I don’t want to hear what he has to say. At least not right now, and not over the phone. Anything we have to say to each other will be done face-to-face. And when I’m ready, whenever that may be.
I look at the phone again after the buzzing stops, and once again there’s no message. Big surprise.
A few minutes later, a text comes through.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
My heart thumps dully in my chest, and my mouth goes dry. I know Stacia would shake me and tell me to snap out of it and talk to the man, but something is causing this horrible knot in the pit in my stomach to get bigger.
A moment later:
WHERE ARE YOU?
I’m staring at the phone, trying to summon the courage to call. How badly I want to hear his voice and clear the air. But I know deep down that’s not what will happen.
PLEASE CALL WHEN YOU GET THIS.
Okay. Might as well get this over with. I take a sip of water and sit back down on the couch. My fingers are trembling as I pull up his contact info.
The phone rings only once before he answers.
“Cady.”
My chest tightens at the sound of his voice— low… raw… serious.
“Hi, Colton,” I say quietly. “What’s up?”
He lets out a deep breath. “I’m sorry to disturb you.”
“You aren’t disturbing me.”
He lets out another troubled sigh. “I… I just thought you’d want to know.” He pauses.
“What?”
The silence is so long, but I know he’s still there.
“It’s Willie… he’s dead.”
Chapter 29.
“What?!”
“I found him this morning. I know you liked him. Just thought you’d want to know.”
I’m stunned… speechless. Sweet, kind, funny Willie is dead? “What happened? I just saw him a few days ago, and he seemed fine!” I finally say.
Colton’s voice is low, strained. “He seemed fine when I saw him last night too. But this morning he didn’t show for breakfast. I went out to check on him and found—” He breaks off and takes a deep breath. “At first I thought he was just sleeping.”
“Oh no,” I whisper. Tears fill my eyes as his words start to sink in. My chest tightens, and I feel a sense of guilt for not being there.
Colton clears his throat. “Anyways, I’m finishing up the arrangements now. We’re having the funeral here at the Manor on Wednesday if you want to come. Willie wanted something simple. He didn’t have any family, just a few friends. I know you’re out of town, and it’s short notice –”
“I’m coming home right now,” I immediately reply.
There’s a heavy silence. “Okay. See you soon.”
I make quick work of calling the airlines, arranging for a car, and packing my things, all the while trying to maintain my composure. But at one point I just have to sit down and have a good cry. I didn’t even realize how much I’d grown attached to Willie until this very moment. The pain of his loss is deep and profound. Such a sweet soul, who gave me more guidance and support and caring in our short time together than I can remember either of my parents ever doing. I know how lucky I am to have met him and had him in my life, even for such a brief time. But selfishly, I want more. And foolishly, I thought I’d have forever.
I catch Stacia in between her meetings and quickly fill her in on what’s going on. I had managed to get a flight, but unfortunately it departs before she’ll be able to get back home.
“I can’t beli
eve you’re leaving so soon, and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye,” she moans. “But I understand. I’m so sorry for your loss… I wish I could help you.”
“I’ll be okay,” I tell her. “He was an amazing man, and I’m blessed to have met him. And I’ll be back soon, I promise.”
Maybe even sooner than she thinks.
Later that evening, the taxi pulls around the bend to Magnolia Manor, and my heart suddenly floods with bittersweet feelings that catch me off-guard. I’m surprised at how seeing the stately mansion and its lush gardens fills me with such a familiar and welcoming comfort. But at the same time, I’m sad that this place will never quite be the same again. Not with Willie gone.
The lights are on at Colton’s place, but Willie’s is dark. Tears come to my eyes again, as I pass by the fountain and head toward my front porch. I set my bags down and unlock the door, pausing only to wipe my cheeks with my sleeve.
Despite the sad circumstances, it does feel good to be home again… to sit on my couch, to be able to sleep in my own bed.
I pause. Except this is not my home. And it’s not my couch, or my bed. This is just a place that I started to get used to, is all. I have to remember that.
I call Stacia to let her know I arrived safely. And then I debate going to see Colton. But maybe he already has someone comforting him. I want to push the thoughts of him from my mind, but I can’t. I’m haunted by the memory of the heartbreak I heard in his voice this morning.
How badly I want to console him, despite everything that’s happened with us. But he never asked for me. He just told me what happened. He never actually asked me to come back. He never told me he needed me, or wanted my support.
But after an hour of sitting on my bed in the dark, I decide I don’t care. It’s late, but his light is on. Obviously he’s still up. If nothing else, I can just offer my condolences and see if he needs anything. That’s the neighborly thing to do, at the very least.
It’s cold outside, so I quickly change into a thick sweater and some warmer boots. My eyes are bleary from crying, but I don’t care. I hurry down the porch steps and start making my way to Colton’s. I turn towards the fountain and freeze in my tracks.
He’s standing there, his shoulders slumped and his head held low, staring down at the water. I wait for a moment and just look at him. Even from several yards away I sense his profound grief.
I slowly walk towards him. As I come close to him he looks up, and I’m struck by the anguished expression on his face. Even in the darkness, with only the light of the moon, I can see the redness in his eyes.
I reach out and rest my hand on his arm. “I am so, so sorry.”
He nods, and his eyes slowly turn to meet mine. “Yeah… thanks. I know you cared about him too.”
“I did… he was amazing. I’ve never met anyone like him in my life. I’m grateful I had the chance to know him, if only for a little while.”
Colton clenches his jaw. “I always knew this day would come. I mean, he was up there in years, and of course, no one lives forever…” His voice drifts off as he looks away again. I reach for his hand and hold it.
“What happened?” I ask quietly.
He shakes his head. “Looks like he just passed in his sleep. It’ll be a while before they can be certain, but it just appears to be natural. He looked very… peaceful.” He lowers his head and takes another deep breath. “He was the only family I had left.”
“He loved you.”
He looks over at me. “He adored you, too.”
We look at each other for a moment, then he looks back silently toward the fountain. The chill in the air bites my cheeks, but I hardly notice. How badly I wish I could unburden the heaviness of his soul. He’s suffering so much, and seeing him in so much pain is almost more than I can bear.
“Do you believe in fate… that this is all predestined… that we have no say in the matter, or do you believe it’s all up to us?” he finally asks after several long moments.
I shake my head, as I look up at the entwined goddesses. “I honestly don’t know,” I finally reply. “I’ve thought about that same question over and over, especially when I was painting this picture. How much of what happens is decided already, and is totally out of our hands? How much is just coincidence or luck… Are we really in control of our lives, or is something else? Because sometimes, I really wonder.”
I bite my lip and glance down at the ground before looking back up at him.
“I was supposed to be getting married in three weeks, on the other side of the country, to a man at one point I thought was the love of my life. But now here I am, standing beside you, and with all my heart and soul, I feel that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be at this very moment. I could never have planned it, or even imagined the possibility. But something brought me here, whether it’s coincidence or fate or just the result of my choices, I don’t know. But it’s bigger than me, that much I know for certain.”
He lets out a low breath and stares at me, his eyes churning with a myriad of unreadable emotions.
“I struggle with it a lot too,” he finally says, his voice low and hoarse. “I’d like to think some things were out of my hands, that they aren’t my fault. That someone, something else was calling the shots.” He looks back up to the fountain. “That someone or something else is deciding who lives and dies and when... how. That something else is charting the course of our actions, and the actions of others. And that it’s not all my fault.”
A strong chill that has nothing to do with the cold night air shivers through my body.
“That what’s not all your fault?” I whisper.
Colton’s eyes take on a glassy, far-away look. His jaw clenches, and for a moment I don’t think he’s going to answer.
Then he turns and locks his icy blue gaze on me.
“That three people, including my parents, are dead because of me.”
I feel like the earth has stopped spinning, and the whole world has gone silent. What did he just say?
I don’t trust myself to speak, so I wait for him to continue. He turns back to the fountain.
“My parents met their junior year in college,” he says casually, staring at the trickling water. “My dad told me later how he knew right away my mom was the one for him… which was kind of funny, because she’d told me how she couldn’t stand him at first. Though he was a real cad.”
He flashes me a quick smirk. “After they graduated a few years later, they traveled around Italy for the summer. My mom fell in love with this fountain she saw in a Venice villa. Without her knowing, my father moved heaven and earth to buy it, giving the guy damn near a fortune for it, and arranged to have it shipped back here to the Manor.”
Colton’s voice lowers, as his mouth twists into a faint grimace. “My father had just taken over control of the estate by then, as both of my grandparents had passed away not long before.”
He casts a wary glance in my direction as if to gauge my reaction to this news. I just nod, encouraging him to continue. Now is not the time to tell him I already knew Magnolia Manor was his family’s home.
Colton turns back to the fountain. “My dad proposed to my mom right there on that bench. Told me he was bribing her, practically, hoping that she’d take him ‘cause she loved the fountain so much.” At this he lets out a low chuckle.
“I’m sure she loved him and didn’t need the bribe,” I say with a small smile.
He cocks an eyebrow and gives a slight grin. “Yeah, that’s what she said, too. But my dad was a funny guy sometimes.”
“They sound like a lovely couple,” I murmur.
He nods, and then the corners of his mouth turn down again. “I can’t imagine one having to live without the other… had things ended differently that night. Had one survived and the other not…”
I take a deep breath. “What happened?” I ask gently.
He’d said their deaths were his fault, but Sheldon told me they died in a car accident when C
olton was overseas. How could he possibly be to blame?
He lowers his head again and turns to me. “You’re shivering. Let’s go inside.”
Chapter 30.
We walk over to Colton’s, and much to my relief there’s already a fire roaring in the small brick fireplace. I hadn’t realized how cold I really was until we walked inside the warm room.
The lights are off inside, but the glow of the flames provides plenty of illumination. I take a seat on the floor next to the fire. Colton sits across from me and leans back against the side of a chair.
“So that’s why you like that painting so much,” I murmur, as I admire my canvas hanging proudly above the mantle. “Because of your parents.”
“It’s one of the reasons,” he says. His eyes flash, and then he seems lost in thought again. As much I want him to continue opening up to me, I feel I have to come clean first.
“I actually found out that you owned this place last week when I was going through some of Sheldon’s files,” I admit. “What made you decide to tell me now?”
Colton gives me a sheepish glance. “Well… a few reasons. One is because Willie is going to buried in the family cemetery out in the backfields. My parents are also buried there, so you probably would’ve seen their gravestones anyways.”
“Wait… time out.” I hold up my hands in a ‘T'. “Are you saying there’s a cemetery out there?” I point in the general direction, and he shrugs.
“Yup. It’s a good distance away, though. At least three hundred yards.”
That’s the length of three football fields. I feel a little better, but not much.
“And I was going to mention it to you anyways, someday. Just didn’t want to at first, ‘cause I could tell what you thought of me. Then the timing never seemed right. Then I just sorta forgot about it altogether.”
I frown. “What do you mean, ‘what I thought’ of you?”
He cocks an eyebrow. “That first night when you showed up here, that look you gave me, like you couldn’t believe a guy like me would be in a place like this.”
The Dirty South Page 21
