by Holly Smale
Possibly Thursday. If I don’t have track.
Great! I can do Thursday! Come over when you’re done? Hxx
Jamie is typing Jamie is typing Jamie is—
Jamie is offline.
I stare at the empty screen for six or seven minutes.
Then I go to the bathroom.
Make myself a snack.
Finish writing the note to my dad.
Wander outside. Olivia, Sophia and Madison are lying by the pool again, headphones in, magazines strewn everywhere, and I try not to look too irritated.
Finally, there’s a beep.
Sure
Relief pulses through me. Kissing my phone, I run back into the bedroom and hit play so the video’s screening once more.
HOPE
So you like it, then? Is that what you’re saying?
JAMIE
(looking at her)
No. I’m saying I love it.
Because I suddenly remembered.
Right at the beginning, Jamie said that he’s an old-fashioned romantic. And that he wanted me to be myself, as much as I want to be: to live life at full volume.
So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
THURSDAY AFTERNOON: HOPE stands by the infinity pool, wearing a red silk dress. She stares wistfully over Los Angeles, sunshine in her hair, posture, etc. etc.
There’s a noise behind her.
HOPE
(turning)
You came.
JAMIE
How could I not?
HOPE
You should know that I am a modern girl from a family of strong women. There’s a question I want to ask you.
JAMIE
I already admire your sparkling spirit.
BEEP BEEP
I blink.
HOPE
(turning)
You came.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
JAMIE
How could I not?
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
‘One second!’
As fast as I can, I grab the big wicker basket I found in the laundry and run to the front door in Mum’s white shirt and Faith’s denim shorts.
HOPE
(opening door)
You came.
‘Are you coming or what?’ Jamie shouts out of the window of his Toyota. ‘I’ve been sitting here ages.’
‘Sor—’ I start, then bite my lip. What’s another word for sorry? ‘Umm, Jamie? Please can you get out of your car?’
‘What? Why?’
‘It’s just …’ I shift the weight of the basket. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’
‘Can’t you give it to me in here?’
‘Please?’
Scowling, Jamie switches off the engine, climbs out and frowns. ‘What is it? You look pretty today, by the way.’
Glowing, I close my eyes and lean up for a kiss.
Our lips touch gently.
But it feels kind of rigid – like making out with a rock or a wall – so I open one eye. Jamie’s staring over my shoulder with the glassy, blank expression fish have when they’re lying on a bed of ice.
A sudden chill runs across my shoulders.
‘Soooo …’ I pull away and focus on revealing my surprise. ‘I wanted to do something really special with you, a date that neither of us would ever forget. Something full volume. And I came up with something pretty awesome. Can you guess what it is?’
‘I dunno … Shopping? Trying on lipstick? Me carrying your bags?’
‘No, no!’ I flinch slightly. ‘You’re going to love it, Jamie, I promise!’ My hands are shaking. Nervously, I pull a set of car keys out of my shorts pocket. Then I stand on tiptoe, put my hands over his eyes, spin him round and pull them away again. ‘Ta-da!’
Jamie blinks at the yellow Lamborghini in front of us.
‘I borrowed it for you,’ I explain breathlessly. ‘It’s insured for the whole day. You s-said that you loved driving, that it was your favourite thing, so I th-thought we could take it down the Pacific Coast Highway. I’ve packed a picnic—’
Quickly, I hold out the laundry basket.
‘We’ve got all your favourite foods,’ I continue, searching through it and holding up items. ‘Grapes, avocados, quinoa, kale, coconut water. I thought maybe we could drive to a nice spot, eat a picnic dinner, do whatever you want to do – and—’
Jamie’s turquoise eyes haven’t moved from the car in front of him.
My stomach turns over.
Why are my hands shaking?
‘The car belongs to my dad’s friend and it was just sitting in the garage so—’
‘For me?’ Jamie says slowly. ‘To drive?’
I nod. ‘Uh-huh.’
‘For the whole afternoon?’
‘Mmm.’
‘Anywhere I want?’
‘Of course! I mean, ideally with me in the car too.’
Silence.
Please don’t be angry. Please don’t be—
‘Hope.’ Jamie’s entire face lights up. ‘This is incredible. What a sweet gesture. And of course I want you to come too.’
I let all my breath out at once. ‘You really like it?’
‘Absolutely!’ Jamie beams and puts a hand on either side of my face. ‘You’re just something else, you know that, Hope Valentine?’
It’s everything I can do not to punch the air. That line is back to its original, positive emphasis.
I did it!
Now I’ve just got to wait until the coconut water is cracked open, the grapes are out and then I’ll subtly pop the question—
‘Would you look at that?’ Jamie cries, clicking a button so the roof starts to open. ‘Isn’t that the coolest thing in the world? Whoa, listen to that engine! A six-point-five-litre V12, eight-hundred horsepower, zero to sixty miles per hour in two point nine seconds!’
I beam as the sunlight pours over our faces.
‘Awesome!’ I smile. ‘Although, quick question. How do they get eight hundred horses into a car?’
Jamie laughs loudly and it’s so surprising I suddenly realise it’s the first time I’ve heard him do it since I got to America. A wave of bliss washes over me.
‘Hey.’ Jamie turns to me. ‘Give me a kiss.’
Holding my breath, I lean slowly towards him, staring at the countless shades of blue in his eyes, the white-gold hairs across his forehead, the freckles across his nose and the delicate Cupid’s bow. As our lips touch, Jamie’s golden hand goes round the back of my head and his tongue briefly touches mine. My stomach abruptly clenches.
I kiss him back, eyes tightly shut.
Huh, Mercy says in my ear. Wonder what he’s staring at this time? Probably the handbrake.
Get out of my head, Mer! You are not invited.
Whatever, my sister snarks. As if I’d want to come on a date with you and your terrifying Ken doll. Get a grip, muppet.
Then she vanishes again.
‘Right.’ Jamie grins as we pull away out of the driveway. ‘Let’s get this show on the road.’
HOPE and JAMIE drive through HOLLYWOOD in an open-top sports car. Spiky palm trees and tropical flowers line the highway, soft wind tugs at their hair, sunshine pours across their skin, the engine of the yellow Lamborghini purrs.
HOPE leans back in her seat, staring at the cloudless sky: an unreal, dazzling blue. Then she rolls her head to the left and watches the sea glitter as the car races along the winding road. Hazy mountains slowly materialise as if they’re the painted backdrop of a movie.
HOPE VALENTINE is SO VERY HAPPY.
This is it.
I have found my movie trailer.
It’s me and Jamie, sunglasses on, wind in our hair, sunshine on our skin, speeding smoothly down the Pacific Coast Highway towards San Diego. The scenery is sublime, the weather is perfect and frankly my co-star has never looked more gorgeous.
The camera focuses on our glowing faces. We glance at each other and smile – no need to speak – and the sho
t pulls back to focus on the open road, stretching out in front of us. The road that subtly implies that we have no obstacles any more, that we’re facing our destiny together, that luck is on our side, the only way is forward, the—
Oooh, I should add a soundtrack!
Beaming, I grab my phone, click on ‘God Only Knows (What I’d Be Without You)’ by the Beach Boys and send it to the car stereo. I’ve grown very fond of these ancient hippy guys over the past week. Then I start warbling along under my breath.
‘Can you not?’ Jamie clicks it off again. ‘Such a cliché.’
‘Is it?’ I pull my bare feet up on to the seat and wrap my arms round my legs. ‘Sorry, I … didn’t realise. So …’ Swallowing, I smile brightly. ‘Did you have a nice week, Jamie? What have you been up to? Anything fun?’
‘Not much.’ A small shrug. ‘Some surfing, hung out with Abs quite a bit, went to that barbecue, did some work for that charity I told you about. You know, the guy whose life I saved? I had this great idea about how we could diversify our resources and totally—’
‘Abi?’ I clear my throat. ‘You saw a lot of Abi this week?’
‘… Yup.’
He didn’t have time to text you back, but he had time to see Abi ‘quite a bit’, Mer whispers in my ear. Hilarious.
‘Do you … spend a lot of time with Abi?’
Jamie’s jaw clenches so hard I’m worried his teeth are about to break. ‘She’s a very good friend. So, yes.’
‘And she surfs too? As well as that gymnastic thing tha—’
‘I told you it’s called Acroyoga.’ Jamie clicks the indicator and moves lanes. ‘You know, jealousy is a very unattractive quality, Hope.’ His voice is flat. ‘Do I think Abi is gorgeous? Yes. Is she hilarious and smart? Yes. Would I maybe date her in the future? Yes. Am I dating her right now? No. I am currently dating you, Hope. And I do not like where this conversation is heading.’
My eyes open wide.
Wait – what did he just say?
Did Jamie just say he’s dating me?
Has he just officially confirmed that We Are A Couple?
Oh my gosh, this is so unexpected. I’m completely unprepared. I don’t even have the coconut water ready! There should be glasses to clink, a pink and yellow sunset, a long, tender kiss—
Not right now, though. I don’t want to make him crash.
‘And you should know,’ Jamie continues, ‘that this was a problem I had with Ella, and with Kaylee, and with Andrea …’
He’s dating me! WE’RE DATING! We’re already a couple! Wow, have we been a couple this whole time?
I can’t believe I didn’t realise. It was obviously so clear it didn’t need saying. It transcended words! It was an unspoken agreement between hearts and souls and—
‘… and with Layla, and with Amelia …’
Should I confirm it anyway? Just for the sheer joy of hearing the words?
‘… and with Zoe and I do not like it.’
Maybe I should ask him to stop the car so we can hold hands.
I blink. ‘Umm, who are—’
‘My ex-girlfriends.’ Jamie abruptly changes lanes again. ‘Ella was a model, Kaylee was a DJ, Andrea was a yoga instructor, Layla was heir to a billionaire’s fortune, Amelia was an artist and Zoe … Well, Zoe is the first girl I was ever really in love with. And I didn’t tolerate this kind of crazy behaviour from any of them, either.’
Mercy snorts loudly. Then she points and I can suddenly see a line of girls’ heads stuck on a wall like hunting trophies with little bronze plaques underneath.
Thought he didn’t date? my big sister laughs, giving me a thumbs up. And ooh, look! You’ve made it up there too, Poodle!
I scowl at her.
‘I’m not c-crazy,’ I say uncertainly, but the hard muscle in his jaw has set again. I look out at the sea, then Mercy kicks me hard in the shin and forces me to turn back towards the driving seat again. Ow. ‘Jamie … did I say something wrong? Are you … angry with me?’
‘No.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Because …’ His jaw is still stiff and pulsing slightly. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just … curious.’
Silence.
‘It’s only that … sometimes …’
Silence. Mercy kicks me again.
‘It feels like it’s a little bit different between us to how it was in London.’
Silence.
‘So I suppose I was asking so I could understand why there’s—’
‘It’s not different. It’s exactly the same.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you … sure?’
‘Yes.’ He scowls. ‘Although if we’re being completely honest, Hope, you’re pretty different to how you were when I met you. I wasn’t going to say anything, but you’ve brought it up so there you go.’
I stare at him. ‘Am I?’
‘Yeah.’ Jamie shakes his head and narrows his eyes. ‘It’s always the same pattern – I just don’t get it. I meet a girl and she’s amazing. Chilled, sunny, happy, funny. We have a brilliant time together. I’m totally into it. And then she just … changes.’
He flashes turquoise eyes at me.
‘I’ve been tricked, because she’s not who she pretended to be. And I’m disappointed again. Don’t take it personally.’
I think I’m going to vomit.
‘Jamie.’ My voice is wobbling. ‘I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, but I’m trying really hard. If you explain what it is, I can do something about it. I can be a better girlfriend and—’
‘Whoa.’ Jamie holds his hand up. ‘Hope, you are not my girlfriend.’
And just like that the film stops, the cameras switch off and the curtains close.
‘B-but you said—’
‘I have never said we were in a relationship.’
‘But—’ I curl instinctively into my legs. ‘OK, not a relationship as such, not yet, but it’s …’
Mercy prods my arm gently this time.
‘You said in London that, if I was in California, you’d date me in a hot second. You said I’d be your girlfriend so fast my head would spin. So I thought, now I’m here … and if I visit regularly, that maybe—’
‘I didn’t say that.’
I stare at him.
Am I actually going crazy?
‘I am almost certain you did say that, Jamie. You said I was basically your perfect girl.’
Jamie’s face has turned to stone again.
‘Well, even if I did – which I didn’t – basically is not the same as literally, is it?’
A wave of intense pain pulses over me.
We’re here too, baby, Effie suddenly whispers, slipping her hand into mine.
The cavalry has arrived! Max announces from behind her. Oh, did you have to pick a two-seater, Poodle? Where are we going to sit? On the bonnet?
Quickly, I turn the other way while I attempt to control my face. I try to steady my breathing as the Californian mountains rise and fall and the sea sparkles and the sunshine pours down and the palm trees whizz by and a bird soars over the—
Ow, stop kicking me, Mercy.
‘Jamie, you said you were in love with me.’
‘I said I was falling in love,’ he says in a hard voice, shaking his head. ‘Fall-ing. ING. It’s a process. I didn’t say I was there yet. Or anywhere near it. Please don’t twist my words.’
There’s another pulse of pain.
Surprised, I put my hand up and touch my face. It’s wet. I haven’t cried in years.
We’ve got you, Effie whispers. All of us.
‘What’s going on?’ Jamie glances to the side in confusion, his lips very thin. ‘What are you doing? Are you … crying? What do you want me to do about it, Hope? Do you want me to lie to you, to make you feel better? I am not your emotional Band-Aid.’
A clean sob bursts out of me. And it doesn’t break Jamie to see me cry –
not even one little bit, not even a fraction, not even at all.
The car stops.
I guess at some point he must have turned the car round and driven back to Beverly Hills without me even noticing. Mercy has leapt across the boot before the engine’s off.
I am going to kick this stupid douche-baguette right in the—
Not yet, Effie says, holding her back. Po’s got this.
I’m not totally certain that I have.
‘Look,’ Jamie says as we sit in silence outside the house. He grabs my hand and suddenly smiles. ‘We have a nice time together, don’t we?’
I nod. ‘Of course.’
‘And who knows what will happen in the future? When we’re older, when you live here, when I’ve established my career trajectory, when we’re both more settled, maybe we can have a proper relationship then.’
My eyes widen. ‘Really?’
‘Sure.’ Jamie’s smile grows and he lifts my chin with his finger, blue eyes burning into mine. ‘You’re amazing, Hope. And I am going to miss you so much when you’re gone. I’m just not emotionally available right now, you know? But let’s see each other one more time before you go back to England, OK?’
I swallow. ‘Absolutely.’
Jamie leans over. I freeze and he kisses me. Then we climb out of the yellow Lamborghini. With a hug, Jamie gets back into his own car and I wave goodbye cheerfully until he’s disappeared out of sight.
I start stumbling up the driveway.
Hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it—
‘Hope!’ Roz says as the front door swings open. ‘My goodness, what’s happened?’
Somebody starts to cry.
It’s not me, I know that.
There’s no way this wild wailing is coming from my mouth.
I’ve practised crying in front of a mirror, and my tears are beautiful. They’re small, neat crystals; they trickle one at a time down my left cheek, shiny and devastating for my audience.
My eyes are eloquent and sparkling. Maybe my chin wobbles sweetly – the tragedy! – and a quiet but dignified sob catches in my throat as I turn with self-control towards a window just in time.
