by Tina Saxon
Addie narrows her eyes at me and crosses her arms. “On stage? Have you been performing?” Her words come out slow, a hint of irritation laces them.
“I have,” I whisper, biting my inner cheek. I should’ve slowly eased into what I’ve been doing.
Her lips twist and she swallows. “You mean to tell me I’ve searched high and low for you, written letters every goddamn day because of the guilt I felt for not being there for you and you’ve been what” —she flails her arms out— “out chasing your dreams to become a singer!”
“Addison,” Max warns.
“You stay out of this!” she yells at Max and then shifts her fury to me. “I can’t believe you, Sydney. We all grieved for Damon. We were all here for each other, but you ran away!”
I can’t say anything as I choke on my emotions. She’s right. I left, but I can’t get the words out to explain. The disappointment in her voice tears at my heart.
“Addison, you need to back the fuck off. Right now!” Max roars. His voice echoes throughout the penthouse. He steps in between us, blocking my view of Addison.
“Whoa, brother.” Aiden steps forward, putting a hand on Max’s chest. Max shoves it off, taking a step closer to Aiden. His eyes shoot daggers.
I put my hand on Max’s arm. “It’s okay, Max.” I don’t need him to end up with a wall between him and his best friend too.
He turns to me, his face carved in stone. “You had your reasons. Don’t let her make you feel bad.” Nothing he says will help. I feel guilty and ashamed of everything.
Max storms out, slamming the door behind him. “We’ll be down at the bar,” Aiden grumbles, following him out.
Once he’s out of the room, Addie and I stare at each other. Tears flow between us.
“I’m sorry,” I whimper.
She rubs the tears off her cheek. “Why did you leave, Syd?”
The words I need to say stick in my throat. “The night of the funeral…” I pause, the lump making it hard to breathe. “I lost our baby, too.”
Chapter Five
Max
“Johnny Walker, neat,” I bark at the bartender before he has time to ask me what I want.
Aiden sits beside me. “Fink, just give us the whole bottle.”
I shake my head, furious at him for getting in my face, furious at myself for getting so enraged. I know when Addison hears everything, she’ll regret her words. I just couldn’t take any more of the pain in Sydney’s eyes.
Two glasses are placed in front of us with the bottle. He pours each of us a drink and walks off, leaving the bottle. We both take a much-needed swallow.
“I don’t think you’ve ever been that pissed at me,” Aiden says.
I turn my head to face him and grumble, “Sorry.”
“Maybe we should have told Addison before Sydney got there. She wouldn’t have been so blindsided,” he says right before taking another drink. I told him everything before I left to go find Syd and gave specific instructions that it wasn’t our story to tell. If Sydney wanted her to know, she’d have to tell her, herself.
I sigh and run my hands over my face. “You already know how I feel about that.”
“She’s hurt. You know how it affected her when Sydney left. She’s letting her emotions get the best of her.” He tries to justify Addison’s outburst.
“I get it.” I hold up my drink in a mock salute and he follows suit. The heat flows down my throat to the knots in my stomach. I thought watching Sydney and Damon together was the most trying time of my life. These past couple days have beat that tenfold. She’s not mine. I can’t have her, but my mind won’t let her go. It was easy to push those thoughts aside when she wasn’t around.
“You know it’s been over a year,” he says as if reading my mind. “Nobody would fault—”
“Don’t fucking say it. No.”
“I can still see it, Max. I can still see how you look at her and she’s the only person who would cause you to get up in Addison’s face. Shit, in my face.”
“We don’t need to have this conversation.” I glare at him, silently demanding he stops. He shakes his head, pouring two more drinks. “How are the kids?”
“You can deflect all you want. You’ll have to deal with that up there eventually.” He points up. I thought I was past the regret and torment of letting her go. But the second I laid eyes on her, the levee broke, but it brought back guilt with it.
I snicker, ignoring his comment and say, “She has a new name.”
“What?”
“Yeah, she goes by Sky. Her manager is an interesting character, but she kills it on stage.”
“Is she going back?”
“She’s only here a week.” Another reason there’s no need to deal with that up there.
I continue to tell him about my time in Los Angeles and the recording deal she got. I smile like a fool talking about her. As much as she’s been through, I’m excited for her. She just needs to find herself again.
“Did you already run her security?” He smirks.
“Hell yeah. Hired one.” I shrug one shoulder as he laughs out loud. “I needed to make sure she was safe.”
“Mm-hmm.” I flip him and his insinuating tone off.
“How’s the new guy?” I eye him wondering why he’s asking about Kase.
“He’s doing great. The guys seem to like him a lot. I think he’ll be a great addition.” He nods slowly with a stern expression and then takes a drink. “Do you know something I don’t know about him?”
“Nah. Addison seemed to like him, too.” His voice is clipped. “I overheard her tell Katie he was–in her words–scorchin’ hot.” I chuckle as his jaw tics. “It’s not fucking funny. I don’t need my wife drooling over one of your guys.”
“Honeymoon’s over already, huh?”
He jerks his head in my direction. “We are perfect. Just leave your scorchin’ hot SEAL at home next time you check on Addie and the kids.”
I slap him on the back, laughing. That is definitely not going to happen now. Seeing Aiden squirm is awesome and rare. I also know that he and Addison are rock solid, so I’m not concerned.
“Uncle Max!”
I spin in the bar seat and stand just in time to catch Lulu flying toward me. Her little arms wrap around my neck. If Addison and Aiden hadn’t adopted Lulu, I would have. I don’t know what the hell I would’ve done with a five-year-old, but I would move mountains to make this little girl happy. And she knows it.
“Hey, Lulu.”
“I missed you. Where’ve you been?”
“California, doing some work.” I know she’ll be over the moon when she sees Sydney. “How’s school going?”
A small male fake cough grabs our attention. I look over at their nanny and she’s standing with another kid about the same age as Lulu. She spins her little body in my arms and glares down at him.
“Snitches get stitches,” she sneers at the little boy. I do a double take, looking at Lulu. Whoa. Where did this devil child come from and where did my sweet Lulu go?
“Alexandra Roberts,” Aiden says sternly. The kid rolls his eyes like he’s used to Lulu’s threats. “We’ll talk about this later, but you need to apologize.”
Lulu’s apology is half-assed. I bite my lip so I don’t laugh. Aiden nods his head and walks over to take a sleeping Jett out of the nanny’s arms. Lulu looks back at me.
I whisper, “Snitches get stitches?”
She shrugs. “He shouldn’t tattle on people. If I tattled on half the things he’s done, he would be in so much trouble.” I’m not fond of this kid and his heathen ways already. I watch him and the nanny head to the elevator.
“Does he live in the building?” She dramatically nods her head. “So, what did you get in trouble for?”
A sly smile spreads across her cheeks. “Our teacher is mean. She said that she was sick and tired of kids not listening to her.” She giggles to herself. “So I told her she should go take a nap. Since she was tired. She didn’t like t
hat, so I got put on red today.”
Not gonna lie. I feel like giving her a high five for her wittiness, but I have a feeling Addison would kill me, so I shoot for the responsible uncle talk. “Well, unfortunately, we can’t always have teachers we love, but you still have to be good for them.” She nods, looking down. Addison tells me I need to be more firm with her when she does things wrong. Screw that. I’m the best uncle in the world, the last thing I want is to make her feel bad. “Hey, I have a surprise for you.”
I grab her attention and her eyes brighten. “You brought me something from California?”
I nod.
Yes, because I kick ass.
Chapter Six
Sydney
“Why didn’t you call me?” she cries into my arms.
“I did,” I whisper, choking on my words.
That night was the hardest night of my life. Not only was I burying my fiancé with the burden of guilt that he died because of me, but I went home alone. There was only one person I wanted around me. My person. My sister. My best friend. I’d never been so lost in my life.
That was just the beginning.
“Addie, please pick up.”
Something’s wrong.
Her voicemail answers. I hang up and regret sending Katie home earlier. I just didn’t want company.
I wince at the pain, the phone slips from my hand, crashing to the floor. My stomach twists in ways it shouldn’t. The heartbreak has overwhelmed me the last couple days, so I haven’t eaten. I must be hungry. I focus on swinging one leg at a time over the side of the bed. My feet contact the cool wood and I push off right before another sharp pain bites through me. Falling to my knees, my screams echo off the bedroom walls. Please God, make it stop.
The pain is so unbearable, my stomach twists. I turn and crawl on all fours to the trashcan, reaching it just in time to vomit. I haven’t eaten, so I dry heave most the time.
The pain settles a few minutes later and I lean against the wall, exhausted. Something’s wrong. I’ve never known of someone dying of heartbreak. Stretching my feet out, I moan at the slight wetness in my panties. That’s awesome. Nothing like peeing yourself when you vomit. I draw in a couple deep breaths, taking note that the pain has diminished. I cautiously stand, using the wall to stabilize myself.
Bright red lines my panties when I pull them down. I gasp in disbelief, tears pool in my eyes. This cannot be happening. The pain stabs through my abdomen again and I double over. I have to get to my phone. I breathe through the pain and crawl out of the bathroom. Eyeing the phone on the floor, I slide over to it and call the only person who will drop everything to help.
“Max. Help.”
Addie gasps. “I remember when you called. I thought Katie had gone home with you.” She clutches her chest, her eyes swell with apology. “I’m so sorry, Syd. Aiden was having a rough time that night. I wanted to answer. I told myself that I would call you back as soon as he fell asleep.” Her head drops between her shoulders and her voice breaks when she adds, “And I forgot.”
I should tell her it’s okay, but I can’t. The hurt still stings. My therapist tried to help me understand, forgive. But I couldn’t.
I lost everything that night. Laying in bed the day after a long night at the hospital, my emotional state was volatile. Ugly crying over my loss overcame me one minute and the next my body would shake from rage and jealousy that Addison had everything. A husband, a healthy unborn child… she didn’t even need me anymore. I became inconsequential to her. After all she’d been through and I was there by her side no matter what, this is what I received in return. Deep down, I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t dig myself out of that hole.
I was being buried alive, and I had to leave.
“I would have been there for you,” she cries, clutching my hand and squeezing it. “I was torn at that moment. You have to know how horrible I feel. Syd, I love you. It’s killing me you went through this by yourself.”
“I should have stayed. Max tried to change my mind, but I couldn’t get past the suffering.”
“Why California?”
I snicker. “My aunt Crystal lives there.”
“You despised your aunt Crystal.”
I still do.
“I thought she’d like to see her niece.” I shrug. “There was never a plan for staying in California. I needed time to heal, and I didn’t know where else to go. Max demanded that he meet my aunt when we arrived at her house. I guess it’s good he did because when my aunt opened the door, she pretended she didn’t know me. Claimed she didn’t have a niece.”
“She’s still a bitch, huh?”
“You could say that. She asked Max if he wanted to come in though.”
My mom and her sister are two peas in a pod. Grew up with silver spoons in their mouths and stones in their hearts. How my dad stayed married to her all those years, I’ll never know. I was a mistake. Whenever I was an inconvenience in her life, she would remind my dad I was his problem. The therapist told me that is why I clung to Addison’s friendship with a vise grip and why I took it so hard when she picked Aiden over me.
“After we left there, I had Max take me to a hotel.”
Another person pushing me away only deepened the hole.
My self-worth was at an all-time low.
“I’m staying,” he barks, dropping his keys and phone on the small kitchenette table.
“Max, I’ll be okay. I just need some time alone.” Sympathy weighs heavy in his eyes. He’s stuck here with me because nobody else wants me. But I don’t need him. I want to be alone. It seems to be what I’m destined for.
Having no more energy to fight, I drag my feet to the bedroom, strip off my shirt and pants, and crawl into the cold sheets. Wetness from my tears coats the pillow. I lost a child, and it’s all my fault. No matter what the doctors claim, I’m the one who didn’t take care of my body. I killed our child.
Minutes turn into hours. Hours of self-blame, self-loathing. Max checks on me frequently, but I ignore him. Maybe he’ll tire of me too and leave.
But he doesn’t.
“Tink, you need to eat something.”
The sound of him setting something down beside my bed causes me to open my eyes. He unwraps a sandwich and puts it on a plate, along with some chips. “I didn’t know what you preferred, so I guessed ham and Swiss cheese, and Doritos… because who doesn’t like Doritos?”
My lip twitches. “I like Doritos. But I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t remember asking if you were hungry.”
He sits on the bed beside me. I pull the covers to my neck remembering that I’m only in my bra and panties. He stands and snatches a shirt from the chair. Walking back over, he stares at me. “You putting this on or am I?”
I yank the shirt he’s waving around. “I can dress myself, thanks.” Like a gentleman, he twists around for me to slip it on. When I sit up, I wince from the ache in my lower stomach. Fresh tears graze my cheeks and I wish I could stop feeling. I pray for numbness.
Max sits down next to me again, wrapping his arms around my body and holds me tight while I cry.
“Max!” I scream, squeezing my eyes shut, as sunlight floods into the room. Not even the thick white comforter I throw over my head can keep out the intruding brightness. The numbness that I longed for, finally hit. This is the first time in three days I’ve seen the sun and it sucks.
“I made you a doctor’s appointment,” he says firmly. I’ve stopped bleeding and cramping so I don’t know why he’s making me go to the doctor. It’s done.
My baby is gone.
“I don’t need a doctor,” I grumble from under the covers.
“You need to talk to someone. You don’t want to talk to me, so I found you a doctor.”
That is the last thing I need right now. Sleep, that’s what I need. Closing my eyes, my listless body turns heavy, pulling me under. I yelp again when my protective comforter shell rips off me. The cold air bites my body, sending chills
all over it.
“Really, Max?” I sneer, wrapping the sheet around me.
“Sydney, this isn’t up for discussion. You’re going.” His eyes bore into me and I know I don’t have a choice. I throw my feet over the side of the bed and stomp to the chair holding my yoga pants. Stuffing each leg in, I yank them up and stare back.
“Let’s go,” I say between gritted teeth, holding my arms out wondering why he’s not moving. This was his idea.
His eyes widen as he gets a good view of me. “You… don’t want to take a shower first?”
I glance down my body. The same wrinkled shirt and black pants I showed up in days ago hang off me. Rubbing my eyeballs with my palms, I groan. “No, Max. I don’t. I don’t want to talk to anyone either, for the record. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to do anything except go back to sleep.”
“Well, that was productive.” My voice drips with sarcasm as we exit the medical building. The doctor asked questions, I didn’t answer them. She won’t understand the loss I’m experiencing, no matter what I say. I pull sunglasses down from the top of my head, walking down a street I don’t remember walking before. Conveniently, the doctor was close to our hotel. I sigh. What exhausting thing did he plan now? “Where are we going?”
Max looks down at me, his eyebrows pinched with concern. “We’re going back to the hotel.”
I study the street, glancing around at the different buildings trying to locate anything that looks familiar. Did we come this way? Great! I’m losing my mind too. Add it to the list of stuff I’ve lost.
As soon as we step into the hotel room, I head for the shower—not because the doctor told me to—but because I got a whiff of my funky body sitting on her couch. I catch a glimpse of my reflection that I was trying hard to avoid. I do a double take because the person looking back is a stranger. Her cheeks are hollow and the dark circles under her eyes look like smeared makeup. Her hair is stringy and greasy. She’s screaming inside of herself. She’s lost, but I can’t help her.
