by Pavan Kaur
"Not there, next to me," Leo tells him, and I can feel his eyes on me. "Or you can stand."
"You know I own this place," I hear the manager say, and I let out a breath when he sits next to Leo, but his eyes are still on me. "So, why are you not eating here?"
“Need to get back home to do a few things.” They start to talk quieter so that I can’t hear them and I sit there thinking about what I should be doing.
I don't know what to do. There's something different about Leo. He hasn't once tried to touch me, but is that because he's been told not to touch me until he gets here? But it's been over a week, and he's not here, so how long is he keeping me here? Then I think about him telling me that I can leave whenever I want to. He's asking about my health, he helps me clean up after dinner when he gets home, that's when I feel like there's something different about him.
I don’t know what to do.
“Hope, are you ready to go?”
I stand up and follow Leo out of the restaurant, and we make our way down the street. I quickly jump close to Leo as a huge group of men walk out of a building, but the moment I grab Leo, I let go of him.
"Sorry," I whisper to him and move out of the way. But I feel surrounded, and I don't have a way out. I don't know this part of the city. I never came here. I only went from my apartment to work and to CVS. I never went anywhere else, and if I did, it was at night to give me the time to get used to the surroundings. So now I feel trapped and there's no way out for me.
I feel Leo grab my arm and pull me to the side with him, into a small alley.
“Breathe, I’m here and won’t let anything happen to you. You need to hold my arm until we get to a quieter place, you hold it, but don’t say sorry.”
I take a deep breath and follow him out, and with a shaking hand, I grab his arm as the sidewalks are getting busier. I can feel a panic attack coming; this is not me, this isn't part of the rules. I've lived with rules for over ten years. I know them, I live by them. This is new and I can't, I don’t know how to live like this.
“Taxi!” Leo shouts. The moment one pulls up, he opens the door for me. “I shouldn’t have taken you to the restaurant. I know how you feel about too many people.”
I sit next to him and start peeling the skin off my hands. My body tenses up when Leo takes my hand in his.
“Please, can I get my doctor to look at you? The doctor is my mother, someone I trust, someone I know that won’t hurt you and I’ll be in the room with you.” Leo rubs my hand with his thumb.
I pull my hand from his. “It’ll be fine,” I say and lean my head on the window and close my eyes for a moment.
Leo doesn't say anything to me for the rest of the way back to his house, and I’m happy about that too.
***
The moment we get back to Leo’s house we have our lunch. I have my usual forkful. Leo made me sit with him the whole time. I know what he was doing; he was thinking staring at my food would make me want to eat more, but it didn’t.
Lying on the floor, I stare at the blank wall in front of me. Thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about; things that still make my skin crawl, that still make me sick to the stomach.
I feel my eyes getting tired; not sleeping is getting to be too much. It’s not the nightmares keeping me awake, it’s the pain of my joints, the pain of my skin peeling and the cold is making it worse.
I sit up quickly, feeling Leo close. "I didn't even make a noise; how did you know I was here?" I move closer to the window to look at the lights outside. Leo sits down next to me. "Jackson is coming over for dinner, and then after, I have to go out…" I go to stand up to get started on dinner, but Leo stops me. "Hey, sit down, you're not making dinner. Jackson will be bringing something. I want you to have a shower and enjoy your dinner."
Giving him a nod, I take in a deep breath and look out the window again, as I get myself ready to have a very painful shower.
Where there is no vision, there is hope.
Chapter 12
Leo
“I don’t understand how the fuck someone can just go missing.” Jackson lets off steam; he’s been in a fucked-up mood all day. I know that it’s all because we can’t find him and it’s starting to really get to him now. But some of this anger has to do with work; it looks like he might lose his first court battle and that had him working a lot harder too.
“We will,” I say, exhaling the smoke from my cigarette. Jackson lets out a small laugh when I tell him, “You need to find yourself a girl.” Someone needs to let out some tension otherwise he won’t be able to focus on anything.
I’m a lot better than last night. I got a little information from the sick asshole. He told me that there’s a network, but he doesn’t know the name. If they have a website, all he said was that a person needs money to join.
So, today I spent my workday looking up this network but got nothing. I haven't even told Jackson about what I found out last night. He has enough on his plate right now, but I will tell him when this court mess is handled.
He says, “I’ll find one. Am I not invited to dinner?”
I've invited my parents over for dinner tonight. I asked them both to come over to the office at lunchtime as I wanted to talk to them about something and that's when I explained about Hope.
My dad didn't have anything to say to me, he will though once he sees Hope. My mom, on the other hand, she had a few things to say.
She’s not your responsibility.
Maybe she’s hiding for a reason.
What if those she’s hiding from, come to get her?
I asked my mom the same questions; when they found me I wasn't their responsibility, but they still took me in. I was twelve, and I was hiding for a reason, but they still took me, and they weren't scared of who I was hiding from. I told my mom that, and she started crying. I still remember the day they found me. I took one look in her eyes and I could see that she was hurting just looking at me.
I escaped my hell, six years I lived with him, six years I lived with the devil.
Jackson was there for about two years, and when I found a way to run, I took him with me. I told him to hide in this old warehouse and not to leave until I came to get him. Two days he waited there for me; two days with no food or water, all because I told him that I'd be back.
They might not be my blood, but every day I’m thankful that they are my parents. They took Jackson in too and since that day we’ve had each other’s back to the very end.
“Yeah, if Mom finds out I told you to fuck off, she’ll have my head.” We both start laughing.
“That’s because she likes me more.”
I look over at him, he has a stupid smirk on his face. Now, we both know that's a lie.
The car pulls up, and I tell John that I'll see him in the morning. I left Hope at the dining table after she had some cereal, no words or eye contact from her at all.
As soon as I open the door, I'm hit with the smell of food. I have no idea what Hope has made, but it smells amazing.
“Am I drooling? It feels like I am.” I turn to Jackson with a smile. “My mouth’s watering just from the smell. But the moment I see it—”
"Someone's hungry," I tell him, as I put my bag on the floor by the door and we make our way to the kitchen. I look around for Hope, but I can't see her anywhere.
Jackson taps my arm, and I look over as he shows me a piece of paper. I'm sorry that I left the house today. I was cleaning, but the bleach was really hurting my hands, so I went to get some gloves. While I was out, I saw some things for the dining table for tonight, and I also got a rail to put your suits on once I have ironed them.
I have put the receipt in the envelope of money that you left me.
Looking over at the table, I see that she got things to put on it to make it look more like a dinner party. As I walk around the island in the kitchen, I see the rail with a few of my suits there.
For the first time she has been in this house, I smile. She walks ou
t of the laundry room with her head up. She doesn’t know I’m back home.
She stops just as she gets to the rail, puts her head down and takes a step to the side. I look over at Jackson making a lot of noise.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I know I should wait, but my stomach needs to know what smells so good.” He opens the oven door and peeks inside. “Hope, this looks amazing.”
I turn to face her as she slowly puts my suit on the rail, then stands against the wall.
“My parents will be here in about an hour. Why don’t you go have a shower and get dressed?” I tell her and with the smallest nod she walks out of the kitchen.
“And you think she will show Mom her hands? Good luck with that,” Jackson says as he looks at the other things that Hope has made. “Oh my God Leo, she’s made cheesecake.” He takes it out of the fridge to show me.
“What type of cheesecake is it?” I ask walking over to him to have a look.
“Have no idea, do you think she’ll notice if I take a little?”
“She will notice, she just won't say anything, but I will so put it back. Be right back," I tell him as I grab the small bag that I brought today.
“Where you going?”
"Going to get her to take a warm shower," I shout back at him as I walk up the stairs. Today she's using hot water, and I'm not leaving until she does.
Walking into her room, I knock on the bathroom door and take a step back as she opens it for me. Hope moves to the side as I take a step in. I walk over to the shower, turning it to a warmer setting and I look over at her.
“I’m just going outside. I want you to put this on.” I hand her the bag. “I’ll be back in one minute.” I leave the bathroom and wait for a moment.
I know that she won’t have a warm shower even if I put it on for her. She’ll change it. So, I bought her a bikini so that I can be in the room with her.
I walk back into the bathroom where she's standing with her robe on. "Now you can have a shower, and I'll be right here." I lean on the counter, and she stands there for a moment. I see her hands begin to shake as she goes to take off her robe.
Am I pushing this with her?
As the robe hits the floor, my hands tighten around the counter as I look at the scars, and how all you can see is bones. When she walks to the shower, I see the scars on her back. My blood is boiling to the point that I'll find and kill the person that did this to her.
Hope takes a step into the shower but doesn’t walk under the water. I see her hand moving to and then away from the handle to change the temperature.
Pushing myself off the counter, I take my suit off; she’s not having the same cold fucking shower over and over again, not happening.
Standing behind her, I put my hand on her arm and move her forward so that she’s under the water and she gasps a few times. I keep my hand on her as she tries to move away a few times.
“You need to start taking warmer showers,” I whisper to her, turning her around toward me. Her face is focused on the floor. “I’m not going to ask you to look at me, but just look at my body, I have scars too, I have a history,” I tell her.
I hear her sobbing, and I don't know why, but she slowly lifts her gaze and looks at my chest. Hope's head rests on my chest, and she starts crying. Bringing my arms around her, I give her head a kiss. I choose not to say anything more to her. This is a good day for me; I don't want to ruin it by making her talk.
***
I didn't leave Hope in the shower for long. I saw her skin getting red. I think that was because it was the first time in a long time that she had a hot shower and her body couldn't handle it. Once she had got dressed, I told her that from now on she's to take a warm shower. If I find out that she had a cold shower, then I will just have to go in there with her again.
I sit outside in the yard as Hope gets the table ready; my mom wanted to help her, but I stopped her. In the short time I've spent with her, I know that she needs to do things by herself. She hasn't looked at my parents. The moment they walked into my house, she went straight into the kitchen and got them a drink.
I turn around as I hear a tap on the glass door leading to the yard and see Hope standing there in a large sweater so that no one can see her arms or hands.
“Food is ready.”
I look over at Jackson, as he moves quickly, he been waiting long enough and I have to admit even I’m looking forward to it myself.
“Hope, this looks amazing,” Jackson tells her and sits at the table. I watch Hope moving towards the kitchen and bringing over the plates of food.
I see my mom looking at Hope’s hands as she puts the plates down. She tries to get a closer look, but the sleeves to her sweater are too long.
My dad gives me a smile, as he looks at his food and Jackson? Well, he’s just acting like a kid waiting to take a bite of his Happy Meal.
I slam my cutlery on the table as I see what Hope has on her plate. “Go put some more fucking food on your plate,” I snap at her. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been patient. I’ve been giving her time to know that I’m not stopping her with anything, but she needs to eat.
Pushing my chair away from the table, I grab her plate and take it to the kitchen. I hear my mom following behind me. "Leo." She rubs my back. "She's broken. She's been taught to be a certain way and by the looks of it, for a very long time too. She needs to break out of whatever brainwashing she's been through."
I put more food on Hope’s plate and head back to the table and place it in front of her.
"More than a forkful," I say as I sit back down. I look over at everyone staring at me. "I'm sorry I snapped." I start eating but glance out of the corner of my left eye to see what Hope's doing.
“Hope, this is so good,” Jackson tells her with a mouthful of food. My dad starts laughing, as I shake my head at him.
“You can at least swallow before you talk.” I get up and fill everyone’s glass with wine. “Hope?” I ask.
“Water,” she whispers.
***
Dinner was amazing. I have to be honest I don’t think I’ve ever eaten lamb so tasty before.
"Hope, it's okay honey, the guys will take them," my mom tells her as she stands to take the dishes away. She stops, and her hands begin to shake.
Dad and Jackson stand up and begin to collect the dishes together. Hope goes to stand up again but stops herself; she’s trying very hard not to move. As they both walk away from the table, she falls on to the chair holding on to her plate with a tight grip.
I go to take her plate, but she won’t let go. “I followed the rules, please don’t,” she sobs in the quietest whisper.
"Don't what?" I ask as I turn her chair around and kneel in front of her. "I won't do anything that you don't want me to, and I don't have rules. I don't want you to live here with rules. I've told you before, and I'll tell you again, I'm not holding you here, Hope. You’re free to go whenever you wish.” Holding on to the arms of the chair I try to look at her face.
“I followed the rules; please don’t leave me with her.” Hope wipes her tears and then starts playing with the end of her sweater sleeve.
I look over at my mom, I'm not playing along with this, and I need to break her out of this.
“My mother won’t hurt you. I promise she won’t hurt you.” I take her hands in mine. “She wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
She pulls her hands from mine. "Scars, yours." She begins to scratch. She thinks my mom abused me, but she would think that as I haven't given her a reason to believe otherwise.
Shaking my head, I take a deep breath in. "Hope, my mom never did anything to me, she adopted me." I retake hold of her hands. "All she wants to do is look at your hands, to see if she can give you some stronger lotion to help with the pain, I just—"
“Okay,” she whispers.
“I’m going to be right in there,” I tell her, pointing to the kitchen. Giving my mom a nod, I get up and walk over to the kitchen.
&
nbsp; I lean on the counter as I watch my mom pulling a chair closer to Hope. I take the cigarette from Jackson.
“Leo, I know your heart is in the right place, but are you sure that you’re the right person to help her?” my dad asks as he stands next to me.
I look at Hope's hands shaking as she shows one of them to my mom. Blowing out the smoke, I shrug. "Maybe I'm not, but I'm going to try." I do agree with my dad about helping her. I mean I'm on a manhunt to kill the man who did this to me. I spend my evenings torturing evil men, and I enjoy watching them in pain. So, maybe I'm not the right person to help her, but I'm going to try to make her smile again.
I push myself off the counter as Hope walks over to the kitchen. She walks straight by me and to the fridge, taking out the cheesecake.
"Leo." I turn to my mom, she gives me a nod, and I follow her out to the yard. "I'm going to talk to my friend, explain the situation and hope that she'll be able to give me some medication lotion for her." She stops and fixes me with a concerned gaze for a moment.
“You think that I’m crazy to help her, don’t you?”
“No, I think you’re doing the right thing. Some advice, you want her to open up a little? Maybe you need to open up with her about your past.” Leaning closer, she gives me a kiss on the cheek. “There’s something different about her. Whatever her past is, it’s not going to be easy for her to break away from the barriers that are holding her.”
I look inside at Hope walking around the kitchen as she plates up the cheesecake. “Do you think—”
“Leo, give her time,” my mom says as she pats my arm.
I wrap my arm over her shoulder, and we make our way back to the house. "I will," I say quietly to her, but more to myself.
