by Pavan Kaur
Leo unwraps his arms from me. "Come on." I turn around to see what he's doing, and he throws two pillows on the floor. "We can start small." He puts his hand out for me, my eyes move between his hand and the makeshift bed.
“There are two pillows.”
“I thought I could lay with you for a while.” I stand up, moving closer to him. “Only if you say yes.” He moves some of my hair out of my face. “I’m hoping you say yes.”
I turn and walk over to the drawers to put some of my lotion on. It's getting colder, and my skin is getting harder, but I miss my walks to and from work. I miss being able to just go out and walk. Leo isn't holding me here so why don't I just go?
“Would you like to go for a walk?” I ask, walking over to the chair to grab my jacket. As I turn around, Leo is standing there watching me.
“It’s one in the morning,” Leo starts.
“I know.”
“If you’re running because of the two pillows, I can—”
“No, just ten minutes, just ten. Then yes you… can—”
"I'll go change out of my PJs and get my clothes on." He walks over to me and smiles. "Please dress warmer, it's freezing outside."
I nod, and he leaves the room. I change into warmer pants.
A few minutes later, I meet Leo downstairs. "So, where we going?" he asks me, and I don't even know myself.
“No one around,” I tell him. Somewhere I can walk around without having to worry about anyone being there.
“Well, it’s past one in the morning so everyone will be home sleeping, so how about the street?”
Leo opens the door, and I put my head down, as I go to take a step forward Leo stops me. "Head held high." I lift my chin and he gives me a wink.
The cold breeze hits my skin. I’ve missed that feeling, missed the smell of winter. I stop by a huge tree and stare at the few leaves left. I kneel and take a leaf off the ground, twirling it around in between my fingers, feeling the dryness of it.
Walking along the road again, I look at all the fancy houses. This is a very posh neighborhood. Then again, I’ve not really seen that many to compare it to.
Leo points to one with a white door. “That’s Jackson’s house.” Looking back at Leo’s house, I count that they live four doors away from each other. “Now you know why he’s over so early and leaves so late.” He laughs. It all makes sense now. I always wondered how he got home after staying there until midnight sometimes.
We continue to walk along the road when a rush of cold wind hits us, and I smile. I know that the cold isn't good for me, but I do love the feeling of it.
Leo stops and stands in front to me with a smile. "You really are beautiful and if a one a.m. stroll is what I need to do to see you smile again, I'll do it every day."
I forgot for a moment he was here with me. I felt safe enough to let my guard down. “Shall we go back?” I ask.
“You getting cold?”
“Just a little.” We turn around to walk back up the road.
"Let's go, there's a floor waiting for me." Leo starts laughing, and I stop just to look at him for a moment.
Back at his house, we walk up the stairs, and Leo disappears to his room to get changed. He'll be back in a second. Standing in front of the two pillows, I say to myself small steps.
Leo returns and stands behind me. “I can sleep in my room if you’re more comfortable. I’m just going to lay with you for a while.”
Taking a few small breaths in, I lie on the floor. It feels strange to have my head on a pillow. I stare into Leo's eyes as he lies next to me.
“Will you kiss me?” I ask in a whisper.
He leans closer. “Yes.”
I close my eyes the moment I feel his lips touch mine, and I gasp as his hand touches my cheek. Opening my mouth for him, I feel his tongue sliding onto mine. I like him kissing me; I like the way he tastes.
He pulls away from me, his hand softly stroking my cheek. “Goodnight Hope.”
“Goodnight Leo.”
***
As I make breakfast for Leo and Jackson, I think about last night. Leo slept on the floor all night. I really thought he would leave the second I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes this morning, he was still there.
Jackson appears and stands next to me. "Morning beautiful, is Leo still sleeping?" I move away from him, and he pouts. "I thought we had become friends," he says.
I’m trying very hard with Jackson; I know how his relationship is with Leo and what they’ve been through together.
“He’s in the shower,” I tell him, as I get three plates out.
“Not had French toast in forever.” He puts his finger into the syrup. “I’ve found someone, be ready for tonight,” Jackson says and I realize Leo is in the room and Jackson wasn’t talking to me.
"I'll be free." I hear him but feel him stand behind me. "Morning," he whispers, and I can feel his stubble against my neck.
I step away from him. Things are changing between us. I like Leo. I just don’t know how to move on from here. What’s next?
“Morning, would you like coffee or juice?” I ask.
“Coffee,” they both say in sync.
I feel Leo’s eyes on me, but he’s staying quiet.
“So, what did you find?” I hear him asking Jackson as they both move to the bar stools.
"I found someone that uses the site, and I'll have things ready tonight." I pour coffee into their mugs as Jackson asks, "Beautiful, can I ask a question?"
I stop pouring the coffee, and my eyes move to Leo, who's looking at Jackson. Clearing my throat, I reply, "Sure."
“How do you survive on such little food?”
“Jackson.” Leo’s voice comes out harsh.
"I'm sorry, but she needs to eat more." Jackson takes the coffee pot from me and finishes filling the mugs.
“When you were with your buyer, what’s the worst that happened?” The question just leaves my mouth, why have I asked this question?
Jackson lifts his head, clearly surprised by my words. “Leo protected me from all of the really fucked up stuff. I got locked in a room for three days and got beat and burned a few times,” he tells me. I know how that feels; I lived in a dark room every night.
Leo protected him, he was his savior.
Leo doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. I’ve seen the scars, he might not have told me the stories about them, but I can work it out.
I take a deep breath as I decide to share something. “I was only allowed to go to the bathroom once a day, so less food and water, the better it was.” I walk away to the other counter and leave him with my confession. I remember the first few weeks were the hardest, but the beatings I got, sure made me learn faster on how to control everything.
“Hope—”
“Leo,” Jackson cuts him off.
Anxiety grips me, and my hands are shaking, but I need to try and make them understand. "I'm trying, trying to eat more. Because you hate it that I'm not eating. But I've been eating like this for over ten years. My stomach—"
"I get it, take your time," Leo says. I feel him standing behind me, his hands stroking my arms softly. "I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry I can't help you forget," he whispers, and I lean back on his chest.
“You do,” I whisper back to him. When he touches me, when he looks at me I don’t feel like I’m breaking into more pieces, I feel like he’s putting me back together.
Chapter 18
Leo
Jackson sent me a message to let me know where to meet him. It was a longer drive than usual, but I never question where he wants to meet; he always has a plan for after it's all finished.
I spent most of my day working on You Are Loved. I got the team to look through everything we want to talk about, what we want and what needs to be changed. I spoke to my dad about this plan; he didn't say anything to me about it. He's known for a while that I wanted to start a charity like this one day, but I never really knew what kind of charity
I wanted, or even how to go about starting it, so this proposal is probably the best thing for me. The group has come up with a plan, everything that I've always wanted to do, but never knew how I could go about it, but now I can be the man behind it with no questions asked.
I tried to call Hope a few times, but she never answered the phone, so today I bought her a cell phone. This way I can talk to her when I’m not with her or at least check in on how she’s doing.
The more time I spend with Hope, the more it’s getting complicated and not in a bad way either. All I want to do is spend more time with her. I know she doesn’t really talk much yet, but just sitting next to her I feel so much peace around me. She makes me feel alive again. So here’s the complicated part, how do I get her to trust me enough so I can make her feel alive again?
Later when I walk into the location, I hear Jackson whistling. I strut over to where he has tonight's guest. "You seem happy." I glare down at the sick fuck tied to the chair.
"I am, you kill to feel more relaxed. I fuck a woman to feel more relaxed." Jackson gives me a cigarette, and I look at it for a moment. Jackson laughs. "I showered before I came here, my lips are clean." Shaking my head at him, I take the cigarette from him.
I have to admit, I don’t really trust where his mouth has been. Never seen any of the girls he has been with.
"Has he said anything?" I inhale the smoke and let it settle in my lungs, but it feels good.
"Yeah, he said fuck off.” Jackson chuckles.
Walking over to him, I sit on the chair my partner in crime has prepared for me, and Jackson stands behind him. He's never been the one to do this part of what we do. He says his stomach can't take it, he can't kill anyone, but he can get rid of the body for me.
Me on the other hand, I enjoy it and find pleasure in it, knowing that I have got rid of yet another sick bastard.
“Do you know this man?” Jackson put the picture on the table beside our guest. I watch his eyes shift a little. "What’s his name?"
"I tell you I die, I don’t tell you I die, and something about you tells me both ways will be painful.” He really doesn’t sound like he’s afraid of what’s about to happen.
"No, I promise mine will be painful." I put my cigarette out on the table and pick up the pocketknife.
Leaning closer to him, I grab his hand and slit the skin just a small amount. I smile when I hear him laughing. He knows nothing about me.
"How do we find out about the owner of the site?” I slowly sit back down and look over at the table and the bottle which I plan on using next.
He looks at the picture, then back at me. "That’s the easiest question to answer. The owner is the man you can’t find." None of this is making any sense; I look at Jackson pacing behind him. The man I’m looking for is the man behind his whole site.
“How do I find him?"
"You might as well kill me, I’m dead either way.”
I look up at Jackson. He’s shaking his head. I nod back at him. This bastard’s not going to tell us anything.
He fears the man in question just as much as he fears me. We both hold the same amount of power and the same amount of fear towards others.
I wanted to enjoy tonight, wanted it to go slow, I wanted it to last.
He’s not going to talk to me, no matter what I say, so why waste my time with him when I could be home with Hope.
I lean back in the chair feeling frustrated. No matter what is happening, it just feels like I’m never going to find the bastard that ruined my life. Standing up, I button up my jacket and grabbing the gun from the table, I shoot him between the eyes.
"We’ll find him," Jackson tells me. He can see that it’s starting to piss me off.
"Just find someone,” I shout at him. This isn’t his fault. He’s working hard to find him, he’s doing his part. Turning to face him I say, "Get this all together. I plan on joining our heads together to find them." Maybe it’s time that I start helping him a lot more than I have been.
"I need to—”
"Is anyone going to know it was us?"
"No."
"Is there anyone around here?"
“No.”
"Burn the place down," I tell him as I leave the room.
I hear him say something behind me, but I ignore him. "Waiting for Jackson," I tell John as he closes the door behind me. "FUCK!" I shout, letting out some pent up anger. I've never gotten so angry about this stuff before, but this is getting worse.
Oh, the shit I have planned for him when I do get my hands on him. I'm going to make sure it lasts for days not hours.
"Nothing should be left of that place." Jackson shuts the door, looking at the building as it goes up in flames. "Here, you need to calm down a little before we get home.” He hands me a lit cigarette.
"I need something a lot stronger.”
"Here." He takes a flask out of his pocket. "You don’t even need a glass, I know you don’t." He brings the bottle to his lips and takes a good amount down. "Leo, question."
“What?”
"You and Hope-”
"None of your fucking business,” I cut him off. I mean, I don’t know the answer to that question myself, yet what the fuck do I tell him.
"I know, but I get the feeling this attitude is half because of him and half because of Hope."
Jackson passes the bottle over, and I keep it on my lips and drink until I need to stop for air. "Before I was getting revenge for us, but now I'm getting it for her too. That's all," I tell him, taking more from the bottle.
"Leo." He knows I’m lying, he always knows, he knew that Hope was different.
"She's opening up, but she's hiding something, and I'm not sure if it's her illness or her past." I take a long drag from my cigarette, not letting the smoke escape straight away. Instead, I let the smoke move around inside my lungs for a moment.
"You have to give her time, Leo."
"What if it’s too late?” That’s my worry. If it’s her health and I’m too late to help, then I’m not just losing this fight in finding him, I’m losing the fight to save her.
Jackson doesn’t say anything more to me; he’s started to see the change in me, even though I’m trying to hide it from everyone else. I can never hide things from him.
***
Jackson said he would be over after having a shower. As I step out of my shower, I grab a pair of PJ bottoms and a plain T-shirt. Hope wasn't downstairs when I got home, and I want to find her, but I needed to shower first, wash the day away.
Leaving my room, I go to walk over to Hope's room but stop when I smell food. It's eleven in the evening so why is she cooking? This is New York, you can order a pizza anytime, there's always something open.
Walking downstairs I hear Jackson talking to Hope about his day. When I join them, Jackson looks at me then over to Hope.
She has her back to me. "Smells nice," I say grabbing a beer for both of us.
"Can’t fully see her face but she doesn’t look too good," Jackson whispers as he pushes something over to me. "She went shopping, I haven’t opened it," he tells me.
I look back over to see if Hope has turned around, but no, she hasn't.
Opening the letter, I see she has explained the reason for spending the money with the receipts. One item, pads. It takes me a moment before it clicks in my head what they are.
"Jackson, give me a minute, please," I say as I throw the paper on the counter. Once I know that Jackson has left, I begin to shake my head. What the hell do I need to do for her to realize I don’t care what she spends the money on? “Hope can you come here please?” It takes a few moments before Hope finally looks over at me, my eyes break away from her for a split second. She looks weak, pale. I’m not going to ask the question I was going to. I’ll search the internet or ask my mom. I never thought that blood could affect her because of her Lupus, but I never thought about her period.
She stands in front of me, and I tell her, "Next time I leave money, you don’t need to t
ell me where you spent it or give me the receipts. Next time you do, it'll really upset me." I'm never going to question where she spends her money, I'm just happy that she leaves the fucking house. "I'm not hearing anything, Hope."
"I’m sorry, won’t happen again." Her voice is weak. Very weak.
"What's wrong? You're scaring me, Hope. You're bleeding." I grab a towel from the countertop and put it against her nose. "Jackson, call Mom!" I shout, and I hear him running into the kitchen.
"Shit, take her over to the sink," he says getting his phone out.
Hope tries to push me away from holding her. "It’s fine. “Please loosen your grip. I know what I’m doing." I loosen just a little as I walk with her. How have I not noticed this before?
"You want help?" I ask hearing Jackson on the phone to Mom. "Hope?"
She stops walking and looks at me. "I'm used to nosebleeds, just not had one in a long time," she tells me and walks into the laundry room. I leave her for a moment to give her some space. I don't want to piss her off anymore.
Too worried to stay away, I make my way back to the laundry room and stand behind her. She seems to be getting annoyed, and I don't want that. I just want to help her, but I don't know how. She just looks in pain but isn't saying anything to me about it.
"Mom’s on her way," Jackson says from behind me.
Hope lowers herself to the floor, and without taking my eyes off her, I do the same and kneel in front of her. "Hope?"
"Can you get the food out of the oven?" she says through the pain, and I shake my head with a smile. She's sitting here in pain, and she's worried about the food. Like, I give a shit about the food.
"Jackson’s getting it out. Something hurting?"
"Can you please just leave me alone?" She looks at the floor, and I don't move. I just look at her. "Please?"
That one word has so much pleading, so much pain that I do the one thing I know will make her feel comfortable. I leave.
