by Logan Jacobs
“We will be contacting the President of your homeland shortly, he will join us on that screen to my right,” she explained as she flipped through some screens on a small, clear device in her hand that resembled a see through ipad. “Then, we will begin.”
“Rock on,” I replied with a bit more confidence than I actually felt, but hell, fake it until you make it had worked out well so far. I glanced over to see Artemis in a chair off camera watching us. She had a huge grin on her impish face and this time gave me two huge thumbs up with her arms completely outstretched.
“Alright everyone,” Trillium said mostly to herself as she slid on some sexy reading glasses. The glasses were large, but they suited her high cheekbones and round eyes. The rims were black, and the lenses were shaped like 1950s style cat-eye shades. They made her look like a hot librarian. “The whole galaxy is watching so… let’s make some magic.”
The studio lights hummed and cast us in the most flattering light I’d ever seen as small ping pong ball sized cameras floated down from the ceiling in order to catch us from every possible angle. A low humming sound buzzed in the air for a few seconds before the President of the United States’ face filled the screen next to Trillium’s head.
“Can you hear us, Mr. President?” Trillium asked.
“Loud and clear,” he replied. “We have you on fiber, here. Top notch fiber. The best. Of course, I can hear you.”
“O-okay, great,” Trillium replied and turned to me. “Shall we begin?”
“Let’s do it,” I replied and hoped that this went well.
“Marc,” the POTUS began, “good to see you. You look good. Very good. Excellent lighting there. I know lighting and that is very, very good lighting.”
“Nice to see you too, sir,” I responded. “You look… good as well.”
“I know,” he said simply with utmost confidence. “Now, let’s treat this interview like the stock market of nineteen ninety four!”
“Hello, velkommen, and snort-berk-si-doodle galaxy! Trillium Vou coming to you from downtown Valiance City in the heart of the Ozusti system where it all happens! We have two very exciting guests today for your viewing enjoyment. I know I’ve been looking forward to this since he made a Leroy Jenkins splash in his qualifying trial. With me this afternoon is Earth’s champion, Marc Havak, and the President of Earth’s United States of America,” she said as she looked directly into the camera. “What a pleasure it is to have you both.”
“The pleasure is ours, Ms. Vou,” the President responded without missing a beat. He sure knew how to turn it on when the cameras were rolling.
“Um, uh, yeah, our pleasure,” I added.
“Oh, Mr. President, I see you are no stranger to these sorts of things?” Trillium asked with mock surprise.
“No. Not at all,” he replied. “I’m very comfortable, so ask us anything. Everything I say is entertaining.”
“I can tell,” Trillium smiled before she turned to me. “Marc, as the first ever champion from Earth to brave the rigorous and deadly challenges presented by the Crucible of Carnage, are you feeling at all intimidated?”
Trillium’s tone was far more direct and professional than it had been before the interview started. I sat up a bit straighter in my chair as I pondered the question for a beat. I had to admit I did feel a bit of pride at being Earth’s first champion.
“He’s not intimidated, no. Not at all,” The President answered in his very distinctive voice before I could open my mouth. His hand raised as if to emphasize his next words. “Marc here is the best. Very handsome. He is in the best shape, everyone agrees. Very tight body. Not always, but definitely now. And he is the smartest, not as smart as me but still a smart guy. Humans are very, very smart.”
I couldn’t help but cut the Pres a “say what?” glance. Sure, mankind had come across some pretty cool things; fire, nuclear fission, and double-cheese burgers jumped to mind. But we also did pretty boneheaded stuff; smooth jazz, timeshares, and Jagerbombs. I mean the label on the Red Bull can said ‘we do not recommend mixing with alcohol’ and humans were like, ‘hey, hold my beer.’ Oh, and right before I left Earth, kids were eating detergent.
“Um, great question, Trillium,” I started as I cleared my throat a bit. “I mean, yeah, I usually get nervous enough to puke. But who doesn’t, right? I mean it's not everyday you come face to face with horrific spider creatures and space zombies. But the nerves just seem to go away when you’re in the arena. Once there, I find I just kinda act and think later. Not much time for anything else.”
“So, you make a habit out of not thinking?” Trillium shot back as if her mouth was an automatic weapon. I glanced at Artemis whose smile was much smaller, and she was back to the tiny thumbs up that no one else could see. Oh, boy.
“I wouldn’t say that, Ms. Vou,” I answered. Nervous Marc had just gotten sent back to the bench. Cocky Marc was about to play. “More like the thinking is done so fast it feels like instinct. Slow thinking is a great way to get killed very fast.”
“Ha!” The President laughed. “Word play. We invented that.”
I thought I caught a brief glimmer of animal attraction in Trillium’s eyes as she watched me before she turned her attention back to her slick ipad thing. “Before coming here to compete, what was your life on Earth like? Were you a warrior there?”
I could tell she knew the answer by the way she asked and hoped I was going to lie, or pump up what I did.
“No.” I said very simply and locked eyes with her. “I was a truck driver.”
“Oh, materials transportation, very important,” she said with obvious sarcasm.
“No really,” I countered with a sly smile. “Pretty boring actually. I led a mediocre life on Earth. Nothing to write home about. Not a lot of opportunity there to lay waste to a moon full of demon beings, fight lure-arachnids and live, or defeat Dark Kings as it turns out. Had to come here to find out how awesome I was at those things.”
Other than the slight hum from the camera robots the room was completely silent. I’d gambled big with that one. It was pretty fucking arrogant, but hell, in for a penny in for a pound, and I figured it was better to go big than go home. Plus, I had no idea how to get home from here. Artemis’ jaw literally hung open. Even the President stared at me from a billion light years away with a bit of awe. Trillium opened her mouth to say something but then closed it just as fast with an audible click of her teeth. It seemed like the silence was going to stretch on into an obvious uncomfortable length, but then the President, ever the savvy media pro, cleared his throat and began to speak with authority, as if nothing had just happened.
“Marc is being modest about his past. Truck driving is an important occupation for our people. Our people need stuff, lots of important stuff, and Marc and the other noble men and women who drive trucks across our world were the ones to deliver that stuff. Marc is one of our best. I have an entire army at my command, and I still trust him. He’s going to bring all that space-force technology back to Earth for us in no time.”
“Such confidence from your leader, Marc,” Trillium said. She had clearly recovered and had a smile firmly planted on her very plump plum lips. “Mr. President, how has Earth changed now that you have been introduced to some of the technology from more advanced species?”
I was actually curious about that too. I had been so busy trying not to die that I never had time to stop and think about how my home was faring with all the new developments in technology.
“Oh, you wouldn’t even believe it,” he said quickly. “We have these machines that make endless amounts of food that taste like ice cream but is good for you and helps you actually lose weight. I tell you, in another three months diabetes and heart disease will have been almost entirely eradicated.”
“Oh wow,” I said with a bit of shock. “That’s fantastic, actually. I didn’t expect it to work so quickly.”
“Marc, you’re gonna love it,” he paused for a moment and laughed shortly. “Oh, it’s
tremendous. It’s amazing what you’ve done for the planet, very big. But I helped. A lot. I believed in you the most.”
“I’m just glad that diseases are being cured,” I beamed. My great Uncle Joe had struggled with heart disease due to a nineteen fifties diet rich in red meat and tobacco.
“Oh, there will be more to come, I’m sure of it,” the President added with a wide smile before looking pointedly at our host. “While Marc is the one risking his life and all, it’s really the other aliens I’m worried about.”
“Other aliens?” Trillium asked as she leaned forward.
“Pffft,” the president scoffed as he rolled his eyes. “Look, sweetheart, the other planets don’t have me as their amazing president. So they are at a huge disadvantage. I picked Marc, but who picked their champions? Probably some third rate very garbage leader who--”
“Hi Marc,” the president’s super-hot daughter interrupted in a sultry voice as she leaned on camera. “Yes, my father and I strongly believe that Marc is going to win unimaginable technologies for us here on Earth.”
“Hey there…” I replied to her. “How’d that marketing slogan work out for the perfume?”
“It killed the competition, Marc,” she crowed. “Just like you.”
“Yes, yes, that’s what I just finished saying,” the President said to his daughter as he subtly shooed her offscreen.
As the President was momentarily occupied with his daughter, Trillium tapped her device’s screen, and the President’s feed went dark “Unfortunately, the feed to earth seems to have been lost.” Trillium stared pointedly at me for a moment. “It is a great shame.”
“It is unfortunate,” I agreed. The President was definitely best in small doses.
“It seems you are good at dealing with the unexpected in and out of the arena, Marc.” Trillium smirked at me conspiratorially. “How much of that do you attribute to your trainer Grizz. He was heralded as a great Champion in his day, but until you, he hasn’t had very many successes in the arena.”
“Grizz is--” I started and had to stop for a moment as a sudden wave of emotion rose up from my gut. “Grizz is an amazing man. Tough as all get out, honorable to a fault, and strict as a nun. I’ve only known him for a short time, but he’s one of the most amazing beings I’ve had the pleasure to call my friend. If it weren’t for him, and Artemis, my ever lovely valet and jane-of-all-trades, I wouldn’t have made it.”
“How touching, Marc,” Trillium winked. “A champion with a soft side?”
“Hey, if that’s wrong then I don’t want to be right,” I drawled in an unexpected McCaughnehey. “In a perfect world, I’d get to fight alongside of him.”
“Why do you say that, Marc? Should you live long enough to qualify, you can fight beside him in the Death Games.” Trillium peered at me curiously, “Have you not heard of them?”
“No.” I was so intrigued by what she had said, I couldn’t focus on anything else. “What are the Death Games?”
“A special competition where elite fighters can fight alongside their resurrected trainers.” She waved a hand at me. “I would think Grizz would have brought it up since the winning team’s trainer gets to remain, well, alive.”
“I-I…” I stammered, stunned. “…Will have to ask him about it.”
It sounded too good to be true, and I was sure as shit going to ask Grizz about it.
“You should do so. I, for one, would definitely root for you in the Death Games.” As she finished speaking, a red light to our left flashed. “And that is our time for today, good viewers. I hope you enjoyed our exclusive interview with our favorite underdog champion, Marc Havak, and the President of Marc’s home world. I know, I sure did. Marc, do you have any last words to say to our audience?”
“Yeah, always remember to spay and neuter your pets,” I said and Trillium looked at me curiously.
“There you have it. Marc Havak of Earth. Unpredictable and unorthodox to the end,” she finished and removed her glasses.
“Did you hang up on the President during our interview?” I asked when the feed had gone dark.
“…technical difficulties,” she replied curtly and then immediately changed the subject. “What did you mean by spay and neuter your pets?”
“Oh, it’s just a thing we used to say on Earth. Have your assistant Google it.” I shrugged.
Trillium stood and offered her hand. We shook.
“Well done, Mr. Havak,” she said with a somewhat Cheshire grin. “I haven’t been speechless on the needle-waves in quite some time.”
“It’s a gift,” I replied quickly. “Right, Artemis?”
Artemis sidled up to me as if on cue and handed me my sunglass which I had all but forgotten that I’d given her earlier.
“You have no idea, Ms. Vou,” Artemis groused.
“Not yet, anyway,” Trillium finished. “The ratings should be through the roof on that one. Can’t wait for round two, Mr. Havak. My people will be in touch, Artemis.”
Vou smiled a farewell smile, turned on her sensible heels and strode out of the studio as personal assistant bots raced after her. Artemis turned and looked up at me. I couldn't quite read her expression. It was somewhere between “you kicked ass” and “that was a disaster.”
“Well, now what?” I asked as I wiped some of the annoying makeup off my face. The studio had gotten hot since Vou had left and I was ready to go.
“Back to the gym,” Artemis advised, back into her task master mode. “We have a full afternoon of exercises with Aurora and Nova planned.”
“Oh, yeah,” I hinted, “feels like we haven’t seen those two minxes in forever.”
“We saw them yesterday,” she responded quizzically.
“Sarcasm, Artemis,” I chuckled as we started to walk out of the studio and back into the building proper. “So, when was someone going to tell me about this Death Match thing? Sounds like a win win.”
“Not really, Marc,” Artemis responded seriously. “Trillium left out the part where if your resurrected trainer is killed once again in battle they stay dead for good. Their digital self is erased the second it is downloaded into a corporeal body.”
“Oh,” I said once again stunned.
Chapter Six
“…eighteen, nineteen, twenty!” I counted out loud as I did my pull-ups. The ladies were all somewhere nearby, and if I had half a chance to show off, I was certainly going to take it. Plus, this was the first time in my life that I’d ever been able to do a pullup, much less twenty, and with a twenty-five pound weight vest.
“Not too shabby, huh Grizz?” I asked as I dropped from the pull-up bar. My biceps and lats yelled at me with lactic acid ferocity.
“I’ve known champions to do fifty pull-ups while doing target practice, Havak,” Grizz stated bluntly.
“You and the Great Santini, masters of motivation, Grizz,” I chuckled. “Say, I’ve been meaning to ask you about something?”
“Is it about how you are still a weak specimen of dubious masculinity who can’t shoot while doing one-armed pull ups because if it is, I would love to go through it with you.” He snapped his hand outward, and a scroll materialized out of nowhere to fill it. Then he waved the scroll which caused the bottom to unfurl, hit the floor, and roll away a few feet. “I’ve made some notes.” Then he put on some reading glasses which, considering he was a hologram, was kind of hilarious. “Would you like to begin now, or would you like to stop your incessant jaw moving and get back to work because I assure you that there are many champions doing one armed pull ups and shooting targets right now?”
“That is a lot of notes.” I stared at the scroll for a moment. “Are those really all my flaws?”
“This is scroll one of sixteen. To be fair though, it’s a work that seems to grow by the day, like the epic poems that were written about me only in reverse. I soon fear that on your death day, reading it aloud over your corpse will take many more days.” He shrugged.
“Right… There’s a lot to unpack
there, so I’m just gonna put that on the back burner, but that’s not what I want to talk about.” I cleared my throat and tried to make myself stand up straighter. “Why haven’t you brought up the Death Games?”
“Because you cannot win, and I cannot carry both of us through to victory,” he said with a quickness and certainty that made me think that he’d actually thought quite a bit about it. “Therefore it is a pointless endeavor to speak of.”
“Right, but you could come back.” I said sheepishly. “You know, be alive again.”
“Marc, while that is enticing, most of my family and friends have moved from this existence to the next realm.” He said thoughtfully. “Plus, I would not trade your life for mine. Also, there are those who would see me crushed and humiliated for a second time who would interfere to ensure our demise in the Death Games so that it would be without honor and spectacularly painful. And I will speak no more of it.”
“But…”
“Speak no more of it, human,” Grizz growled, rolled up the holo-scroll and strode off toward the weapons rack.
“I think he’s saying he doesn’t want to get his hopes up,” Nova called from a martial-arts mat where there were various punching bags, training dummies, and even a wooden Wing Chun Mook Yan Jong apparatus that Nova punched and blocked against furiously. “But, have no doubt, we will participate as a team and bring him back. We just need to get strong enough to do it.” She smirked. “So if you’re serious about trying to enter the Death Games, you had best get back to those pullups.”
“Fair point,” I said as she turned back to the inanimate, multi-armed wooden opponent, glared at it and began to slam her forearms into the sturdy wooden appendages like she was in a Seventies chopsocky flick. She’d been practicing Wing Chun for a few weeks now to improve her speed and agility both armed and unarmed. When we first met, she was a pro with a waist mounted plasma cannon, but to have success long term, she would have to become skilled at every type of combat.
“I’d hate to be that guy,” I called over to her as I jumped back up onto the pull-up bar and started all over. Every day I was more and more thankful that we had her on our side.
