Mother, Mother

by Koren Zailckas

  “Let me smell you,” Josephine said, backing Violet against the door. “Have you been smoking cigarettes? You’re eating tonight. You’re eating something. Do you understand me? I hope you’re hungry, little girl.”

  Now, in the hospital, Violet really did feel like a little girl. She felt as utterly aimless as she did during summer vacations when her mother used to confiscate her books as punishment for fighting with Rose. Since she was no good at sitting still to begin with, Violet decided to walk every inch of the resident area. She perused a cart of books donated by a ladies’ auxiliary (it was mostly graphic horror and super-inappropriate “throbbing manhood” smut). She scanned the patient art that had been stuck to the bulletin boards with packing tape (presumably tacks could be swallowed or used to self-harm). A handprint collage returned her thoughts, for the billionth time, to Will. For all the times people had questioned her about him, no one had told her how he was doing. She wondered whether he was home from the hospital. She hoped he wasn’t in pain.

  After she’d done the full tour, Violet headed down the long hallway toward her room. She was nearly there when a nurse headed her off.

  “Violet, right?” the woman asked. “Your mom dropped this at reception when she came in for paperwork.”

  Violet felt a rush of blood as she reached out for the envelope. Any letter her mother left was sure to enumerate all of Violet’s faults. Or else, allude to the punishment she should expect when she got home. Violet’s anxiety turned to utter disbelief when she saw the perfectionistic print and the return address. When she noticed the sealing wax, she knew without a shadow of a doubt it was from Rose. Pyro Rose, who would melt down anything from crayons to Babybel cheese cases and stamp it with a peacoat button.

  Violet shivered as she recalled the image of Rose standing in the foyer on the night of her intake. Her throat felt tight as she slit the envelope with one blue fingernail. Inside was Rose’s stick-man handwriting, all perfectly round circles and precision-straight lines, the pressure slightly too hard. Their mother was always appalled that no one of their generation used cursive.

  Dear Vivi,

  Greetings from corporate hell. I’m in acting class most nights, so I only have time to write when I’m at my day job. From what I can see, office life is like this big theater exercise where everybody just shuffles papers and acts really busy. I’m playing along, pretending like I’m taking the minutes for a meeting and really taking the opportunity to write you with a year’s worth of questions like …

  How is Stone Ridge High these days?

  Do you have your license?

  Do you have a boyfriend?

  Are you still thinking about art school? I hope so. I know I didn’t always “get” your art in the past, but you’re good. You should go for it. Whatever you do, don’t end up an office slave like me. Every second of the day is soo boring. Half the people I work for don’t even bother to ask my name, and the rest are too filthy rich to remember what it’s like to be young and broke. “How broke?” you might ask. This morning I bought coffee filters on credit!

  Does it sound too stupid and optimistic to say I think I might catch a break soon? I’m auditioning again and I have a callback I’m crossing my fingers about.

  My new acting teacher is the best I’ve ever had. The other day, he was like, “Rose, you’re a young twenty-something and the pool is pretty full of your type. You need to think about who responds to you best in real life. What kind of strangers smile at you before they even get to know you? Figure it out, and then audition for commercials for products that those people buy.” For me, it’s old people and little kids. According to this teacher, I’m the good girl, but not the leading lady. I’m more of the cute office clerk or the supportive older sister type. So ironic, isn’t it? I’m only typecast at parts I suck at in real life!

  Which brings me to why I’m writing … I’m sorry I lumped you in with the rest of the family. I know we’ve both always done our own things, but I see now I should have let you in on my plan. I just didn’t want to be criticized, and I really didn’t want anyone to talk me into staying. Damien asked me to move in with him, and there’s no way Mom and Dad would have let that happen. You know how it would have gone … Dad inviting him over for dinner, Mom ribbing him about “living in sin.” I thought hopping on a train was the best way to spare everyone!

  I’m really hoping you’ll play pen pal with me, and also that you’ll keep my address secret? That is, if Mom hasn’t already seen this and put two and two together! I’m just not ready to have the whole family banging down my door. I’m sure you understand why I’d rather visit them on my own terms.

  I miss you!

  Rose

  It came as no surprise to Violet that her sister was alive and well, nor that she was living in the city. The police had said as much when they closed her short-lived missing-person investigation last year. It all ended with relief and embarrassment when Rose’s car was towed away from the Poughkeepsie MetroNorth station. Its metered parking ticket had expired, and the police found her Dear John letter to the Hursts placed prominently on the front seat. CCTV at the station had shown Rose buying a one-way ticket to Grand Central—a charge that matched the credit card the company confirmed she still used. It all proved what Violet had secretly suspected: the whole “case” was really just a five-alarm overreaction on her mother’s part, not to mention a waste of public sympathy and taxpayer money.

  After her disappearance was deemed voluntary, other emotions whooshed in to fill the family vacuum Rose’s absence had created. Violet’s parents had been able to deal (just barely) with their panic over Rose’s so-called abduction, but they were totally unequipped to handle the fact that their golden child hated them enough to cut them out of her life. Douglas, even in his self-contained way, had seemed dejected for months. Josephine was rip-shit at being ignored. Will was angry too, in allegiance to their mom. And Violet … Once Violet was a hundred percent sure Rose was safe, she was overcome by sickening envy. She wanted the freedom her sister had. Of course she did. But Violet was most jealous of the subversive means by which Rose had broken free. Rose had escaped by doing exactly what Josephine asked of her, waiting until just the right moment to rebel. By comparison, Violet’s small, daily rebellions put her mother on guard around her. The harder Violet fought back, the more controlling Josephine became; she was in a choke chain of her own making.

  Violet’s parents hadn’t been exaggerating to the police; it really was unlike Rose to take off for days without telling anyone. But they’d also failed to mention all the ways Rose had been acting out of character and causing tension for months—dropping her theater major and taking long walks alone, supposedly, on the town rail trail.

  Only Violet and her mom had known the reason for Rose’s sudden bitchy pensiveness. Rose had come down with the kind of sickness that gets cured by either (a) a two-hour appointment at Planned Parenthood or (b) eighteen to twenty years of servitude. Rose had picked the former: A for abortion. If Violet had figured it all out sooner, she would have applauded Rose for not just going ahead and having Damien’s kid, simply for the ego trip (genes, lineage, legacy). She would have told Rose that she had lots of time to push around a mini-person who shared her last name. Violet knew in her gut that Josephine was the major reason Rose had done what she’d done. With a mom like theirs, it was impossible not to equate becoming a mother with becoming a monster.

  WILLIAM HURST

  “CAN WE ASK what this is in reference to?”

  Will stood up straight and crossed his arms, mimicking his mother’s offense.

  “I need to ask you a few questions about your daughter Viola. Your family was entered into our system when your older daughter”—Trina Williams’s gaze fell to her notes—“Rosette ran away. It’s a formality. Going forward, anytime you have a domestic disturbance, Child Protective Services is required to investigate. It won’t take very long.”

  “Fine,” Josephine said. “Just let me get
Will into bed and I’ll be happy to discuss the matter with you.”

  “I’m afraid I need to speak to your son as well.”

  “In that case, you’ll have to come back another time,” Josephine said. “I don’t know if this is in your files, but in the year since Rose ran away, my son was diagnosed with epilepsy. He’s had a difficult week. I need to let him rest, have his fluids, and give him more Keppra.” Again, she lifted Will’s arm, pulled back his sleeve, and rattled the sterling bracelet. It was Will’s good hand. He instinctively turtled his other hand—the one with the brace—up into the sleeve of his orange down coat.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Trina’s tone didn’t exactly ooze sympathy. “I’ll make a note in your file. Here’s my card. Do you think I could come by tomorrow?”

  Josephine leaned Will’s head against her hip and stroked his forehead as if checking for a fever.

  “Possibly. It really depends on William.”

  “I understand.” Trina nodded. “Well, we’ll be in touch.”

  Will watched from the front steps as her neon car reversed out past the gaping mailbox.

  When they returned to the kitchen, Josephine gave him a bowl of Stewart’s ice cream—the flavor, Death by Chocolate, seemed grave and momentous—and sat opposite him in the breakfast nook, while he ate it in slow, measured spoonfuls.

  “We need to talk about the night Violet went away,” she said. “I need to make sure you can synthesize your thoughts about what happened. That woman who came by is going to make you explain it to her. If she can’t keep up with you, or if you don’t explain yourself well, there could be big consequences. You don’t want to confuse her, or give her the impression you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Okay.” They did this sometimes. She helped him role-play scenarios when she worried his Asperger’s was going to get in the way.

  “So go on … Tell me what you remember.”

  “You and Dad and Violet were fighting.”

  She nodded. “That’s right. Only we were arguing, not fighting. ‘Fighting’ can sometimes mean hitting. And we weren’t hitting. We were just having an argument.”

  “You were arguing,” Will corrected himself. “Because Violet had made a mess in the dishwasher.”

  There was her approving nod again. She was proud that he’d remembered that detail.

  “I’d made a special vegetarian dinner for her, hadn’t I?”

  Will hesitated. “Yes.”

  “And Violet wouldn’t eat it.”

  “No.”

  “So then what happened? What happened in the kitchen?”

  “Violet started pointing the knife at you.”

  “And what was that like?”

  “Scary.”

  “You were really frightened, weren’t you?”

  “Yes.” Will had been frightened. The thought of someone, anyone, hurting his mother was more than he could bear.

  “Remember to tell the woman that. That’s the kind of thing she’ll want to hear.”

  “I was scared. I’ll tell her.”

  “What happened next?”

  Will stared into the skid marks his spoon made in the ice cream bowl. “Violet said she saw Rose in the foyer.”

  When he looked up, a shadow had fallen across his mother’s cheek, and the whites showed in the bottommost part of her eyes.

  “No,” she said. “You’re confusing things. Do you have any idea what would happen if you said that to this Trina person?”

  He knew. Of course, he knew. Will’s chin did a Jell-O-mold quiver.

  “Stop it. Will you? You’re overreacting.”

  Will wiped his teary face on his sleeve.

  “Use a tissue!”

  She asked him to start the story from the beginning.

  “You and Dad and Violet were arguing in the kitchen. And I was really frightened.”

  His mother nodded. “Yes, but probably not as frightened as you were when Violet turned the knife on you.”

  “When she turned the knife on me …” Will’s voice went soft the way it always did when he was anxious. It was one of those Aspie language quirks that made him hate himself.

  “You could have cowered when Violet came at you with that knife, but you didn’t, did you? You aimed your hand right for that blade and tried to snatch it away.”

  Will paused and tried to absorb the heroism she was ascribing to him. Then he asked the only question that really mattered to him: “Were you proud of me?”

  “Are you kidding? I was so proud of you. You saved me. You saved us all.”

  Will touched the splint on his hand. He remembered the bloody dishrag that she’d wound around his hand before they drove to the hospital.

  “How did it feel?” his mom asked now.

  “When I took the knife away from Violet?”

  She nodded.

  He knew this was another detail she wanted him to tell Trina. But emotions were not his forte. He could only guess.

  “I felt brave,” he said.

  “Yes, it was a very heroic and brave thing to do. But you know, even heroes feel scared in the heat of the moment. Don’t you think you were a little bit frightened?”

  “Yes,” Will said. “I was frightened.”

  “And how did it feel when the knife pierced your skin?”

  Will winced. When the knife pierced his skin. It was too horrible to remember. “It hurt,” he said.

  She had a finger in her mouth. There was a dreamy, unfocused look in her eyes. “Yes,” she said, her cuticle in her teeth. “Your sister really hurt you.”

  Even after his father came home from work, Will’s stomach remained knotted.

  Douglas, for his part, went straight for the kitchen cupboard and removed what Will knew was his favorite cup. It was a cheap, blue plastic tumbler—tall and opaque, so a person could only guess what he was sipping.

  On this particular night, Will watched his father fill it with hissing cherry-flavored seltzer. Douglas drank about a case of twelve liter-sized bottles of sparkling water per week. Lately, every time he opened one, it exploded as though someone had been shaking them.

  After they’d rehearsed their version of events, Will’s mother had called Trina and arranged a meeting. Now, watching his father, Will couldn’t stop thinking about the reminder his mother had scrawled on the family calendar. Trina visit, 2 p.m., it read. Would his mother mention it over dinner? Would Douglas, in his postcoital daze, even pretend to care?

  As they silently chewed their dinner, Will followed his father’s gaze to the roman numerals on the dining room clock. The little hand was on the VII. Another few minutes, and his father would vanish to his home office, sports highlights blaring behind the locked door.

  Will remembered his father’s pocket call. You’re a remarkable woman. He remembered the daring he’d heard in Douglas’s voice; it was so unlike the feeble, measured tones his dad used at home.

  “Does anyone mind if I excuse myself?” Douglas said, pushing back his chair right on cue.

  Josephine looked at Will with a pinched mouth and hurt eyes.

  “We don’t mind,” Will answered. “Where are you going?”

  “Where?” Douglas echoed. In his hand, his plate of food was only half-finished.

  Josephine raised her eyebrows.

  “I’m just going down the hall, to answer some e-mails.” Before Douglas retreated to his office, he sponged down the granite countertops with aggressive, excessive force. He scrubbed the sauté pans with a martyred expression that rivaled Christ on the cross.

  Will was serious about investigating his dad’s double life. His father couldn’t just betray his mother like that. He just couldn’t take Will and the rest of the Hursts for fools. Had Douglas really thought the rest of them wouldn’t notice the way the past few months had changed him, looks- and attitude-wise? Had he really thought no one would notice the twinkle in his eye? Or the way he had been hitting the gym like he was competing for gold in the ne
xt summer Olympics? Will was determined to get to the bottom of things. He felt certain he had most of the qualities that made for a good PI. No, he couldn’t drink straight scotch or fire a gun, but he was mature for his age and alert to details. He believed in the importance of law and order and protecting the innocent. It was just going to be a matter of opportunity. His challenge, as he saw it, was twofold: it was going to be hard enough to slip away from his eagle-eyed mother, but latching onto his antisocial father would require real skill.

  Watching TV with Josephine later, Will sensed an opportunity. The show was a workplace comedy, and the episode revolved around Take Your Kid to Work Day.

  “Mom?” Will asked. “When is Take Your Child to Work Day?”

  “I don’t remember. Maybe sometime in spring.”

  Dang, thought Will. It was October.

  He knew he shouldn’t push his luck, but this might be his only chance, and time was of the essence. “It just feels like another thing I’m missing out on since I’m not in a regular school anymore.”

  His mother’s blue eyes narrowed. Will tried a different approach. “It’s just—I remember Tyler McCastle saying how cool it was going to his dad’s office in the city. His dad has two secretaries and an office with a sofa in it. His office looked right out over Radio City.” Tyler McCastle was an old friend from Stone Ridge Elementary. Will hadn’t seen or talked to him since June.

  “Tyler McCastle’s father sells print ads,” Josephine sneered. “And magazines are dying. I wonder if he’ll be able to see Radio City from the unemployment line.”

  “Tyler says his dad is a genius.”

  Josephine’s eyes rolled. “Your dad is a genius. Your dad holds five patents. Your dad knows everything there is to know about computer science, engineering, programming. Tyler McCastle’s dad is a salesman. He doesn’t make anything. He doesn’t contribute to society in any way. He just profits off other people’s contributions.”