by Alice Moore
“You’re better off getting something small…” Pointing at a small, plain bouquet of only three flowers I couldn’t name, I turned back to Hannah with a smile of my own. “Do you want a ride? It’s pretty cold out with the wind.”
“Uh-h… yeah. Okay. Thank you.”
Maybe it was a little underhanded, but I wanted a chance to talk to Hannah without risking her going on the defensive. If Nick or James were around, she’d be careful with what she said.
But I don’t care about what she says, just how she acts. And she didn’t act like she was nearly as into my brother as he was into her.
Closing Hannah into my car, I rounded the front to slip into the driver’s side seat with a huff. The engine sputtered to life, and I shuffled in the worn, well-used leather to grip the wheel and shift the gear.
“So, when are you going to tell James that you don’t want to date him, and you don’t think what you’re doing right now is dating him?” Posing my question once we reached the mildly congested streets, I glanced over at Hannah only to frown. She stared at her lap, stroking her flowers like she’d just bought a puppy. I almost opened my mouth again to repeat myself, but she spoke up before I had the chance.
“Why do you think that?” The question resonated in me, and I grunted as Hannah confirmed a theory Nick already had. She was superficial; she cared about people until they started digging too deep. Taking a slow turn, I shrugged carelessly even as my mind churned.
“You and I are the same. I go from girl to girl before they start asking the questions I don’t want to answer. What’s my favorite food? Movie? Do I like cats or dogs? No one gives a crap about any of that. But when they start asking about why I’d rather mooch off my brother than try to make something of myself- that’s when I drop them. You’re not different just because you haven’t dated much. I bet that’s even why you haven’t dated much. You can’t fool me with that smile, Hannah.” My little speech came to a close, and silence reigned until Hannah sighed heavily. When she spoke up her voice was deeper, rougher, and I didn’t need to look over to know her eyes were moist.
“I… I can’t even fool myself anymore.” A small, humorless laugh filled my car, and I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I knew exactly what Hannah meant; she didn’t have to explain even as her coarse voice followed. “After I fell the other day, I went home and thought ‘Maybe my dad doesn’t want to see me, and that’s why he won’t pick up my calls…’ and the more time passes, the more I think about it. The more I realize- why would he want anything to do with me after all this time? He doesn’t even feel guilty for what he did enough to talk to me…”
“He kicked you out for being a stripper, right?” The wrapping around the flowers crinkled loudly, and my gaze flickered from the road to watch Hannah’s face twist in disgust. My heart pounded hard in my chest at the sight; she looked like an angel ready to bring the wrath of God down on everyone and everything in her path. Small tears slipped from her eyelashes to drip down onto her hands while her knuckles turned white.
“He kicked me out for wanting to go to college in the first place. I’m no good with people- I never have been. I thought college would help, but he wanted me to stay at home like my mom. She does whatever he wants for any reason he wants it, and she never complains… but I can’t turn into that. I won’t let it happen. I’m going to be someone…” The hurt, the betrayal, the pain- it was all laid bare for me on the center console. My chest ached in sympathy, and I reached over to grab Hannah’s hand. Salty, warm tears smudged against my palm, and she squeezed back.
For the first time I realized she never even told me where I was supposed to be going. I was just driving around aimlessly.
“You need to accept it, not fight against it. You’re going to break sooner or later, Hannah. James can help you- you just have to let him. You’ll feel better afterwards, I can promise you.” Letting my head fall back against the rest, I let out a breath going through a yellow light. “My parents hate me, too. They’ve got the prodigal son making more money than any one person should. They got the man decorated from the military. And then there’s me- the drop out- the loser. They don’t understand why I can’t do anything. I’ve been compared to Nick and James my entire life. First, I was the accident, and then I was the dumbass. I went from being the baby that always got what he wanted to being a disappointment that can’t do anything but ask Nick for money.”
“How are you okay with that?” Hannah’s eyes bored holes into the side of my face, and I frowned deeply as I pondered her question. None of this bothered me anymore, but I couldn’t say when that’d happened. It just was, and I was content with life.
More or less.
“There are just some things you can’t change. I can’t change the fact that I’ll always live in Nick’s and James’ shadows. So, I guess… you just have to figure out what you can change. For me, it’s not a matter of forgiving. Nick and James always back me up, but I don’t ask or do anything that wouldn’t make sense. I’ve driven this car for six years. I got really good at figuring out if a woman wants me, or just wants to be around my brothers. In the end, you can either accept that your family ostracized you, or you can chase their ghosts until it kills you. Either way, the only person’s life you’re affecting is your own. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. James really likes you, and I know Nick does, too. He told me that seeing you like that at the studio made you seem more real- that he was more assured about hiring you. So, the question is- are you going to take the job for you, or to try to teach your dad a lesson he won’t understand?”
For the first time in my life I was the one that felt like a big brother, and Hannah was quiet as I slowly wound through the streets. The snowmelt made the roads wet, but the piles were smaller even than they had been last night. Focusing on that change, I released Hannah’s hand to take a sharp turn onto a side street leading to the south end of town.
“I think… I will talk to James. Erh… do you think he’ll understand I don’t want to date right now?” Nodding firmly, I took in a deep breath at Hannah’s acceptance. Across the cabin she sniffled hard, and I reached into the door compartment to grab some take out napkins.
“He’s 36 years old, Hannah. If you say you want something more casual, he can handle it. Besides, it’s totally understandable that you don’t want to add to your plate with this new job fresh out of college. Nick is going to work you ragged, and he knows that.” Tossing the napkins at her, I reached to turn up the heat a bit as Hannah righted her tear stricken face. “Do you want me to bring you home or to our building, or what?”
“I’ll go with you, if that’s okay.” Rolling my eyes, I eased off the gas to do a U-turn in a parking lot entrance.
“Of course, it’s okay. I offered. Just so you know, Nick hates that consideration crap. If someone offers you something, you take it- no questions asked.” This time Hannah’s laughter was real, and a smile stretched my lips. Flicking on the radio, I surfed through stations before deciding on some hip-hop. My head bopped back and forth to the beat, and out of the corner of my eye I watched Hannah do the same.
Maybe she just needed a good dose of young adult partying to put everything in perspective. Drinking, dancing, glow sticks- those were the remedies of youth. Working my phone out of my jean pocket, I drove slow as I searched through my contacts for my latest girl.
She knows how to party.
Hannah
Carefully knocking on Nick’s door, I took a deep, stabilizing breath as I waited for him to open the barrier. My heart thudded hard in my chest, and I dug against my fingernails as anxiety knotted my belly. In mere seconds the hunk of wood swung open, and I went wide-eyed at the sight that greeted me.
Nick wasn’t wearing a shirt, and sweat gave his skin a glossy sheen as it stretched over rippling muscles. He wasn’t as bulky as his brother, but he was obviously strong. Pursing my lips together as he swiped back his damp hair, I blinked hard before blood rushed to heat my f
ace.
“I- I’m sorry- James… he’s not here, and I-“ Trailing off as Nick held up a hand to stop my pathetic attempt at speech, I clenched my jaw together tightly.
“I actually wanted to see you, Hannah. Come in. I have something for you.” Turning away, Nick sauntered into his studio apartment, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. He wore low slung jeans, and my gaze scanned him from head to toe before I noticed the work-out machine in the corner of his room. Forcing myself to put one leg in front of the other, I shut the door with stiff arms before he spoke up again. “I have a job for you.”
“A job…?” Surprise colored my voice, and Nick was nodding when I turned to him. Easily he pulled on a t-shirt, and I took a few more steps deeper into his space. A thick file sat on his bed, but there wasn’t anything to suggest he did any work here. Absent of even a coffee table, his room was bare, and I glanced around until he grabbed the manila folder and thrust it at me.
“Do it. You have two hours.” Propping open the file, I sucked in a sharp breath at the mess that waited for me. Everything was written in sloppy pen; some words I couldn’t even understand as I glanced over the top page. “Prove you can make up for your lack of people skills, and I’ll hire you, right here, right now.”
“Two… hours? This’ll take five- at least…” There had to be a hundred pages to transcribe, and I couldn’t even be assured there weren’t any errors. Glancing up at Nick, I opened my mouth only to get cut off again. He stood so close I could see the individual drops of sweat on his neck, and I held my breath while he cocked his head. His intense eyes sent a shiver down my spine, but he only furrowed his brows together.
“Do it in two, and you can start on Monday.” Jerking his chin behind me, Nick forced my attention away from him and to a small desk fit for a middle schooler. “You’d better start. Time’s ticking.”
The desk was outfitted with a pen, pencil, and notebook, and I sat in the uncomfortable, hard seat to dive into this project. My attention tunneled to the point where I didn’t notice Nick anymore while I tackled the first page. Grabbing my pencil in firm fingers, I started nibbling on my bottom lip as blood roared in my ears.
Crouching tightly over my work, I ignored the ache behind my eyes and against my spine. Where words were scratched out, I had to figure out what was originally there. Numbers and figures didn’t make sense, math was wrong, and I found myself constantly remembering to breathe. The handwriting was terrible, words flowing together to create one continuous line instead of letters.
“Time’s up!” Nick’s booming voice made me jump, and my head whipped up to watch him snatch the notebook I’d been writing in. Panic hit me hard; I was only three quarters of the way done, and I pushed myself up to grip the edge of the desk.
“I’m not done! I just need another half hour- forty-five minutes max.” Reaching for the folder, my fingers cramped at being outstretched, and I winced as Nick shook his head. Wandering over to drop onto his bed, he flipped open the book with practiced hands.
“I never said you had to finish it, Hannah. You just had to do it. And honestly, you got a lot farther than I expected you to. Now, sit down so I can go through this.” Blinking slowly, I relaxed a little at Nick’s assurance before sinking into my seat. In that moment it felt like a cloud, and I raked my hand through my hair before he spoke up again. “Your little talk with Ethan seems to be seeping in. I take it you decided to take whatever advice he gave you?”
“You know about that?” Without looking away from my work Nick scowled lightly, and I pursed my lips into a thin line. He sported faint tan lines on his back and biceps that were clearly visible in the bright lights of his apartment, and I shook my head hard.
“Of course, I do.” Nick’s answer was short, almost mocking, and I gnawed on my lower lip diligently. His expression evened out, becoming more focused on what he was reading, and I narrowed my eyes to watch each tiny change in his features. No shirt barred my view as my gaze trailed over strong shoulders, and if he noticed my intense stare, he didn’t speak up.
“What do you think?” Talking into the quiet room, I held my breath as Nick grunted absently, flipping back and forth between pages.
“Your math is perfect… some of these terms aren’t right, though. For what you did in the amount of time you had, I’m thoroughly impressed. I hope you understand that doesn’t happen often, Hannah.” My eyes widened, snapping to Nick’s face as he shut the book with a soft clap. “You start Monday. 8a.m..”
Shock rendered my body useless, and smoke would’ve poured out of my ears from how hard my brain worked. Questions circled raced around my skull, crashing with thoughts and creating a mess as I processed what Nick had told me. All the while he watched me, his expression guarded, and my lips twitched upwards before the spell he’d cast faded enough for a coherent statement to form in my mind.
I start Monday… At Dunn Financial Advisements International… My squeal was loud, and I sprung from my chair to bounce across the room. I must’ve been fast because Nick did nothing to stop me from hugging him, but in that moment I didn’t care that he was now my boss. The smile that stretched across my face hurt my cheeks, and I giggled in excitement even as his sharp, masculine scent slithered up my nose.
“Thank you! Thank you so much!” Squeezing around his neck, I shuttered my eyelids tight to keep my tears at bay. Nick patted my back stiffly, and he cleared his throat roughly. Slackening my arms, I couldn’t help but grin until his palm dropped from my shirt to slip between us.
“Get off my lap, Hannah.” Tensing at the demand, I jumped up as if Nick had burned me, and my face flamed. Standing up, he brushed himself off while studiously refusing to look at me. “I’ll call your school and let them know you’ll be finishing your semester out in the field.”
“O- okay… thank you, Nick. You have no idea how much this m-“ A soft knock cut me off, and I clamped my mouth shut as excitement sent tremors down my legs. Shuffling around me, Nick only nodded on his way to the door. Twisting to watch him open the barrier, I released a slow, heavy breath through my nose. My butt tingled, and I rubbed against my jeans absently to get rid of the sensation.
That chair was really uncomfortable.
“Thanks.” Nick’s tall, broad body blocked my view, but when he turned around the kick the door closed he had Chinese food bags in his hands. “You want any, Hannah? I got the good stuff.”
The smell of orange chicken filled the room, and my mouth watered; Chinese food was a guilty pleasure. Nodding as Nick set the bags on the counter of his kitchenette, I wandered over to watch him unload cheap, heavy boxes and tuber ware. Instantly I spied the one I wanted, and I reached to grab it with greedy fingers.
“…Have you gone pole dancing since you fell?” Pausing with my fork poised at my mouth, my gaze flickered to Nick to find him staring at me before he swallowed roughly. “I was worried about you. I can understand why it’s so important to you.”
“Eh… yeah, I have. A little bit. I just had an… off day. Everyone’s got them.” Shoveling my forkful of rice between my teeth, I set my utensil down as my lie turned my food to ash on my tongue. Staring down at my box, I chewed a few times to gulp down the grains and open my mouth. “I- I just told myself that my family didn’t like my dancing so much that it became true… Falling really opened my eyes, and then Ethan told me that the only person’s life I was affecting was my own… and- I guess it helped me start to accept that it wasn’t the dancing my parents didn’t like- it was college entirely.”
“Weren’t you on your way to see your father when Ethan bumped into you?” A small, guilty smile picked up the corners of my lips, and Nick hummed absently before continuing. “You were chickening out. That’s not a bad thing, Hannah- you shouldn’t waste your precious time and effort on people that don’t care about you.”
“Yeah… I’m starting to realize that. That’s actually why I was here. I don’t want to be in a relationship with James, but I do like him… He just…” It w
as hard to describe how I felt around James, and Nick was silent as our chewing resumed. James’ wasn’t the kind of man I thought I would be attracted to; he was crude but sweet, and the way he acted contradicted the way he talked to me. He wasn’t confusing in any way, but I just knew we wouldn’t go anywhere.
“He’s brutish and crude, and when he realizes it he’s sweet and charming. I know. That’s why he never has a steady girlfriend. I can see what he sees in you, though. You’ve got this thing in you that just sucks people in, and you can’t turn it off. So, the more he wants you, the less you want him- not because you don’t like him, but you don’t want to lead him on. Right?” Nodding miserably, I stabbed a piece of chicken and shuffled my legs as they rested, folded around each other. Nick’s bed was surprisingly hard, and I managed to scoop up some rice before opening my mouth.
“Sometimes I just don’t answer his texts, but I feel so bad after. He was so interested in me, and it just kind of happened, and now I feel like I’m in a hole I can’t get out of. I’m a terrible person, but James was a lot more interesting when I was being paid to listen.” My throat tightened even as I uttered the words, and I set my food down carefully to rub my knees. Guilt sloshed in my chest and twisted my stomach, and next to me Nick sighed heavily. Reaching for my hand, he straightened my fingers and fixed my palm up to drag his fingertip from my middle finger knuckle outward.
“There’s this… story, I guess. From your pointer knuckle up to your middle phalange-“ Tapping the underside of the middle bone in my finger, Nick paused for a moment as warmth spread up my arm to calm my guilt. “That’s how many people you’ll love, truly love, in your lifetime. Maybe it’s romantic or platonic- I don’t really know. I heard it when I was in Sicily years ago, and it struck me as one of the more realistic stories. It’s okay to enjoy someone for their company, but that doesn’t mean you have to have any strong feelings for him or her. That’s what I got out of it, at least.”
