by Paige Toon
‘Well, it would have been nice of you to tell us.’
‘I’ve already apologised for not calling. But, seriously, you’re starting to act like my dad.’
Strangely enough, this comment does not bring him any closer to forgiving me.
‘I won’t bother worrying about you in the future, then!’ he snaps.
‘Please don’t!’ I bite back.
We don’t speak to each other for the rest of the walk. In fact, we both continue to hold a grudge until later that afternoon when we see each other up ahead on the river. We’re going in opposite directions, and I glare at him as he gets closer, just as I’ve done on the last two tours I’ve taken today. Suddenly he punts straight into me.
‘Argh!’ I manage to keep my balance and am about to hurl abuse at him, when I see his expression.
‘Alright, China?’ he asks casually.
My face breaks into a smile. ‘Bugger off,’ I say jokily, digging my pole into the mud to punt away from him.
‘What time are we going to the movies tonight?’ he asks as I glide past.
‘Are we still going, then?’
‘Unless you’ve got other plans with Lukas . . .’ he replies in that same sardonic tone, completely disregarding the fact that both sets of passengers are listening.
‘No, I told him I was going to the movies with you.’
‘That was good of you.’
I glare over my shoulder at him, but he’s grinning.
‘Speak later.’ I return my attention to my tour as Trinity Bridge comes into view. I’ve been totally and utterly distracted today. I can’t think about last night – and this morning – without blushing. I really want to see Lukas again and I keep hoping he’ll be there on the bank each time I pass Trinity, but he never is. And once more I have to go past feeling deflated.
Going to the movies turns out to be a total waste of time and money because in the darkness of the cinema all I can think about is Lukas. His eyes . . . his lips . . . his body . . . what he did to me . . . I’m so turned on I can barely breathe. I’m not sure I can wait until tomorrow to see him again. I desperately want to drop by his room later, but I don’t know if I should play it cool. He wasn’t there on the bridge today. Didn’t he want to see me? Out of the blue I feel uneasy and anxious.
I never felt like that with Joe . . .
At this thought, my desire is replaced with a deep and aching sadness. Where is Joe? Why didn’t he come to find me, like he promised? My bottom lip starts to wobble dangerously and I have an overwhelming urge to go home and cry into my pillow.
What if he does still love me? What if he intends to come for me? What if I’ve just . . . What if I’ve just cheated on him? I feel sick at the thought. Yet it’s been well over a year . . . Surely he can’t expect me to wait forever? What if he’s found someone else? Pain shoots through my chest. The thought of him with another girl . . . Stop it, Alice! Stop thinking about this!
I try to concentrate on the movie, but it’s hard.
Emily is still up when we get home. She comes out of the living room looking remarkably bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for this hour of the night.
‘Do you want a cuppa?’ she asks us hopefully.
‘No, I’m shattered,’ Jessie mutters, heading for the stairs. ‘See you in the morning.’
‘Oh, okay.’ She watches him go, a hurt expression clouding her face.
I wanted to go to bed myself, but now I feel bad.
‘I’ll have one,’ I offer, but she continues to look disheartened as I follow her into the kitchen. ‘How was your evening?’ I ask.
‘Not bad.’
‘Not bad? That doesn’t sound too good.’
‘No, it was alright. It’s just my friend. She talks a lot about herself.’
‘What was she talking about?’ I ask.
‘Oh, just everything.’ The kettle boils and she sets about making us tea. I get the feeling she’s devoted more than enough attention to her friend tonight without talking about her to me as well. ‘How was your film?’ she asks, passing me a mug as we wander through to the living room.
‘Not bad.’
‘That doesn’t sound too good, either.’
‘No, it was good,’ I reply. ‘Weasley liked it. I was just a bit distracted,’ I add.
‘What with? Lukas?’
‘Mmm. And Joe,’ I admit, as the melancholy returns.
‘You do fancy Lukas, though, right?’ she asks.
I nod, but I can’t look at her. ‘I just feel so disloyal to Joe,’ I admit, my bottom lip starting to go again. I glance up at her sympathetic face and hot tears prick my eyes.
‘Alice,’ Emily chides. ‘Where is Joe? He’s not here. You’ll probably never even see him again.’
She says it in such a blasé fashion, yet her words cut me like a knife. I clutch my hands to my stomach.
‘Are you okay?’ she asks worriedly.
‘It really hurt when you said that,’ I whimper. She sits next to me, worry etched on her face.
‘When I said what?’ she asks.
‘About me never seeing him again.’ I can hardly speak.
‘But you probably won’t,’ she says gently.
‘Stop!’ I gasp, making her reel backwards.
I know my behaviour is freaking her out, but I can’t help it. ‘Alice . . .’ She touches her hand to my arm. ‘Alice,’ she says more firmly, trying to bring me round.
‘I think I should go to bed,’ I whisper.
‘No,’ she says in a commanding voice. ‘Stop this, Alice. Snap out of it.’
I open my eyes abruptly and stare at her, taken aback. She grasps my hand. ‘You’re a strong lassie,’ she says. ‘I know you are. So start acting like one.’
What’s happened to the meek little mouse who moved in with us? Calm washes over me. Her words somehow do the trick.
‘Okay?’ she asks.
I find my voice. ‘Yes.’
‘Good.’
She squeezes my hand and forces a smile. ‘Come on, then; tell me about Lukas. Was he a tiger in bed?’
I smile at her, but shake my head. ‘I don’t think I want to talk about it.’
‘Yes, you do. Does he have a fit body?’
I giggle. She has me laughing again by the time we call it a night.
‘Am I calling too early?’
My heart lifts when I hear Lukas’s voice. Last night’s insecurities had carried over to this morning.
‘Not at all,’ I reply with a smile. He sounds weird on the phone. We’ve only ever texted until now.
‘How was your movie?’
‘It was good. Did you go out with Harry and Matthew again?’
‘No. I stayed in my room and re-read Newton’s Principia.’
‘Wow. Fascinating,’ I tease, absent-mindedly twirling my hair around my fingers.
‘It was, actually.’ I can tell he’s smiling and all my worries fade away.
‘I suppose you’ll be too busy reading to see me today, then?’ I ask.
‘I might be able to squeeze you in.’
‘Sounds like fun,’ I joke. ‘What time?’
‘How long do you need to get ready?’
‘I can be ready as soon as you like,’ I reply.
‘Shall we go somewhere for breakfast?’
‘Um . . .’ I can hear the sound of an electric beater coming from the kitchen. I can’t ditch Jessie two days in a row. ‘Jessie is making pancakes. Why don’t you come over for a bit? We can go out afterwards.’
I go downstairs to fill in my flatmates.
‘Ooh, exciting!’ Emily enthuses. ‘At last we’re going to meet the mysterious Lukas!’
‘Woo-hoo,’ Jessie says sarcastically.
‘Oi,’ I warn. ‘You’d better be nice to him.’
‘Oh, I’ll be nice,’ he says in a tone that doesn’t instil much confidence. ‘I’m looking forward to checking him out.’
I roll my eyes, but don’t bother to comment.
&nb
sp; ‘I’m going to get ready.’
Luckily I waste no time, because Lukas arrives within fifteen minutes.
‘That was quick,’ I say as I open the door. I feel all weird and shy again.
‘I was already dressed,’ he replies, stepping over the threshold. He squeezes my waist and looks around the hall. The smell of pancakes is coming from the kitchen. He glances down at me and suddenly seems to remember something. ‘Hello,’ he says with a grin, cupping my face and kissing me gently on the lips. Some of my shyness dissipates. I smile up at him.
‘Come and meet my flatmates.’ I take his hand and lead him to the kitchen. Emily has clearly been watching the door with eager eyes and she smiles brightly when we appear. Jessie acts far less interested.
‘Jessie, Emily, this is Lukas.’
Lukas steps forward and offers his hand to Jessie. ‘Jessie?’ He sounds confused.
‘Yep. And she’s Emily.’ Jessie points at the table.
Lukas quickly recovers and shakes Emily’s hand too. He surveys the kitchen and I can’t help but see it through his eyes: it’s an absolute tip.
‘Sorry about the mess,’ I mumble.
‘Jessie’s been whipping up a storm,’ Emily explains. ‘Have a seat. Tuck in.’
‘Thank you.’ Lukas pulls up a chair and sits down.
I place my hand on his shoulder. ‘Do you want a tea or coffee?’
‘Coffee. Please.’
‘We only have instant,’ Jessie interjects.
‘That’s fine.’ Lukas nods awkwardly.
I glare at Jessie and hope Lukas doesn’t notice. ‘Be nice!’ I mouth. The little shit sniggers at me.
‘So . . . Alice says you’re studying Physics at Trinity?’ Emily asks.
Reading, not studying, I can’t help but silently correct her.
‘That’s right,’ he replies.
‘Wow. That sounds interesting,’ Emily says.
He smiles politely. ‘Are you at Anglia Ruskin?’
‘Yep. Sociology,’ she tells him before he can ask.
‘Emily is from Scotland,’ I say, passing Lukas his coffee and pulling up a chair.
Jessie grumpily plonks a fresh plate of pancakes on the table and scrapes a chair across the wooden floor before sitting down on it.
‘Milk? Sugar?’ I ask Lukas.
‘White, no sugar,’ he replies, glancing at Jessie with a frown. Gone is his polite smile. And why should it stick around when Jessie is being so rude?
I squeeze Lukas’s knee under the table. I’ll apologise to him later.
‘I’m sorry about Jessie,’ I say as we walk down the garden path and turn towards town. Breakfast did not improve with time and we left as soon as we could.
‘Mmm,’ he replies wryly. His tone does little to alleviate my unease. ‘What was his problem?’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘He’s probably still annoyed with me for staying out on Friday night.’
‘Is he your keeper?’
‘Of course not.’ I squeeze his hand and try to make amends. ‘He was only worried about me. Anyway, let’s forget about it. Shall we go for a walk along the Backs?’
‘If you like,’ he replies moodily. We walk in silence for a while. Finally he speaks. ‘When you said you were going to the movies with Jessie I thought you were referring to your female flatmate.’
‘Oh.’ Does that bother him? ‘Well, the name Jessie is . . . What’s the word? Both male and female.’
‘Androgynous,’ he replies.
Bloody hell, he speaks better English than I do. I glance up at him. ‘I was going to say “unisex”.’
He grins and steps in front of me, taking my hands and kissing me gently on the lips. I tilt my face up to his and then he lifts me in his arms so that my legs are wrapped around his waist. He stifles my giggles with his kisses. I’m aware of people walking by and I feel self-conscious as his lips move to my neck.
‘Shall we go back to mine?’ he murmurs in my ear.
I nod quickly. ‘Mmm.’ My heart is all aflutter as he puts me down.
‘I can’t believe I’m not going to see you at Christmas,’ I say sadly, resting my cheek on Lukas’s bare chest. He presses his lips to the top of my head. We’re lying in his bed, staring out of the window. It’s late afternoon and it’s already dark outside, but the Christmas lights on Trinity Street cast the room in a warm glow. He leaves to go back to Germany early tomorrow morning.
‘It will be good for you to go home too,’ he says. ‘How is your father?’
I had a shock a few days ago when Mum told me Dad hasn’t been feeling too well. She said he’s been under a lot of pressure at work and she wants me to come home for the duration of the Christmas holidays. Maybe part of it is emotional blackmail, but it’s worked.
‘No change,’ I reply to Lukas’s question about Dad. ‘I think he just needs to rest.’
He runs his fingers through my hair.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ I say quietly.
‘Me too,’ he replies, drawing me up to kiss his lips. A bolt of desire shoots through me. I haven’t seen much of him recently because he’s been snowed under with a research project and I’ve had assignments to hand in. He takes his studies rather more seriously than I take mine.
He slowly pulls away from me. ‘Do you want your Christmas present now or do you want to save it for Christmas Day?’
‘Depends what it is,’ I murmur, kissing him again.
‘Stop.’ He laughs under his breath.
I don’t know what’s got into me. I can’t get enough of him at the moment.
‘If you’re not going to give me what I really want,’ I pretend to be sulky, ‘then I’ll have it now.’
He reaches over to tug the curtains closed before walking, naked, to his wardrobe. My eyes follow him as he returns with a small, flat parcel wrapped in white satin paper with a red ribbon tied around it.
I sit up in bed. ‘What is it?’ I ask with a grin. It feels squashy when I press it.
‘Open it,’ he replies, sitting next to me.
I crack up laughing. It’s a Mr Bump cold compress.
‘You idiot,’ I say, thumping his chest.
‘Ouch,’ he says. ‘You’re going to have to use that on me now.’
‘Or I could just kiss you better, instead . . .’
This time, he lets me.
When I get back to Jessie’s that night, after we’ve said our goodbyes, I find in my handbag a slightly larger present tied in the same red ribbon. I stare at it, bemused. And then curiosity gets the better of me. I can’t wait until Christmas.
I open up the white satin paper to find a black velvet jewellery box inside. I gingerly lift the lid and there before me is a white-gold necklace with a diamond pendant hanging from it. I lean my back against the wall and slide down to the floor. The pendant sparkles under the bedroom light. I touch my fingers to the diamond and almost expect it to disappear in a puff of smoke. The cashmere scarf I got him is just not going to cut it compared to this. I can’t possibly keep it. It’s too much.
Jessie knocks on my door. ‘Can I come in?’ he asks, his eyes immediately falling to the box in my hand. ‘What’s that?’
‘My Christmas present from Lukas,’ I reply with disbelieving eyes.
He kneels on the floor to get a closer look. ‘Is it real?’ he asks with a frown.
I nod, looking back down at it.
‘How do you know?’ he asks. ‘Maybe it’s cubic – what’s it called?’
‘Cubic zirconia,’ I reply. ‘No. Lukas would never settle for anything less than the best.’
He humphs. ‘It’s alright for some.’
I don’t know what his problem is with Lukas. I think he must feel threatened, man to man. It would be hard not to feel insecure around Lukas, with his looks, wealth, intellect . . . I could go on. Luckily they’ve met only a few times, because Lukas and I tend to do our own thing. Emily once commented that Jessie is jealous, but that’s crazy and I to
ld her as much. He’s protective of me, true, but not jealous. Not in that way.
‘Why don’t you put it on?’ Jessie asks grumpily.
‘I’d be too scared of losing it,’ I reply, looking down at the box in my hands. I don’t want to admit that I’m thinking about giving it back. That would involve too much explanation.
‘You won’t lose it.’ He gets up and waggles his hand for me to pass over the box. ‘You’d be more likely to lose it in this tip of a bedroom,’ he adds wryly.
I reluctantly hand over the box. ‘I promise to tidy up before you get back.’
He lifts the necklace out of the box and drapes it around my neck, securing it from behind. It won’t hurt to see what it looks like on.
Emily appears at the door. ‘Hello!’ Her eyes flick between us with confusion, then she spies the diamond and her face falls. ‘What’s going on?’
‘My Christmas present from Lukas.’
‘There you go.’ Jessie pats my back and steps away from me.
‘Oh, wow.’ Emily’s eyes widen and she comes closer to scrutinise it. ‘Oh, my God, it’s beautiful!’
‘Right!’ Jessie interrupts. ‘Who’s for one last Christmas tipple before I bugger off to the snow?’
‘Me!’ Emily and I both say in unison.
‘Wait a sec,’ I add, retrieving two Christmas presents from my wardrobe: a bottle of Baileys for Emily – she loves the stuff – and a bottle of Advocaat for Jessie. He recently told me that he and his parents always drank Advocaat at Christmas, and as they’re not here . . .
He laughs when he unwraps it. ‘Woo-hoo! Let’s get this party started . . .’
‘I’ll be right with you,’ I tell them. First I need to call Lukas.
When he answers the phone I know instantly that he expects me to be gracious about his gift, and anything less he’d find discourteous and possibly even offensive. So, in the end, I don’t tell him I can’t accept the necklace. But I don’t feel entirely at ease about keeping it.
I turn in early that night – earlier than Jessie and Emily. I go to the mirror and stare at my reflection. My eyes fall to the glinting diamond, but my thoughts are of Joe, not of Lukas. I undo the necklace and put it away in its box, gently closing the lid. I rest my hand on the black velvet and close my eyes, and then I’m transported back to Dorset. I gasp for air and put the box on the bed before brushing away my tears. I can’t deny that I fancy Lukas, but I can’t honestly say that I love him, not like I loved Joe. Like I still love Joe. I suddenly miss him so much that my heart aches.
