I went over to have lunch with Mom at her place on Sundays whenever she didn’t have to work. I would go visit with Mrs. Iverson, who I had known since I was twelve, and sometimes Staci came with me. It was our weekly tradition and I appreciated the consistency of it in my life, especially now with everything going on between me and David.
I needed the stability of my mother’s quiet strength. My issues in no way compared to what she had gone through in her life and yet she persevered. I had no clue how she did it.
“I sure will. She’d love to see you,” she said and I could tell she was smiling. Then, “So, what’s the matter?”
I never could hide anything from her. Which was why I had been grounded so much when I was in high school; she had caught me in so many lies.
I sighed. “How’d you know?”
She scoffed. “A mother’s intuition. I’m all-knowing. You should have realized that by now.”
I smiled to myself. She didn’t know that I had went camping with Ricky Denman on prom night senior year instead of going to the all-girls slumber party like I had told her I was.
So mothers didn’t know everything.
“It’s about a guy,” I told her.
I heard a sharp inhale through the line. Maybe she was surprised since I didn’t come to her with guy problems very often. Not since high school, anyway.
“Go on,” she prompted.
So, I proceeded to tell her the whole story. About working for David, how we first met, and everything that I was feeling for him now. I left out some details about our night in April because it was my mom, after all. I hinted at what had happened but it wasn’t like she needed the details.
I finished relaying everything to her and waited for her response, ready for that mom wisdom that would solve all of my problems.
“Young lady, you are way too stubborn for your own good,” was what I got.
That’s what you get for talking to your mom about this.
You get the mom tone.
“Kind of hoping for something a little more encouraging, Mom.”
She sighed, long and deep and I could picture her settling down in her favorite arm chair in her living room. “You’re so much like your father.”
Her voice was sad and sorrowful, like it always was when speaking of my father. Not that she brought him up often because she didn’t, which was why I was shocked she did now. Especially to hear her compare me to him.
“What?” I asked. I didn’t have a lot of information about my dad. And even though he had walked out on us, I couldn’t deny that it would be nice to hear something about the other person I came from. “What do you mean?”
“He’s the most stubborn man I’ve ever known.”
She chuckled as if she were reliving old memories. It made my heart hurt knowing that we may have at one time been a loving family. That my mom had once been happy but had lost a big part of that joy in her life.
She continued, “He never liked admitting he was wrong. Never liked his pride being hurt. From the minute you started doing things on your own as a toddler, I knew you would be just like him. When you were learning how to walk, you would push me away every time I tried to help you. You slapped my hand away when I tried to feed you because you wanted to do it yourself. You even got mad at me when I tried to help you with your homework because you had to figure it out on your own.”
I laughed, remembering some of the arguments she and I had gotten into because I had to be little Miss Independent. I had no doubt that I was a difficult child, something I would probably pay for if I ever had a daughter of my own. That was how karma worked.
“So, what are you saying?” I asked, unsure of where she was going with all of this.
“What I’m saying is that you’re like him with relationships, too.”
My stomach sank at hearing that. I couldn’t be like him. He walked out on his family; I would never do that. How could she say that?
But she spoke again before I could defend myself. “It took him a good six months of dating to admit that he even liked me, you know. And he only told me that he loved me a handful of times.” Her voice started to crack but she held her emotions in check. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was to accept that the love of your life had left you and your child. “I never met his parents and he didn’t say much about them, but I don’t think he ever grew up around a lot of love. And to be honest, I think the idea of having a family who loved him and having the possibility of all of it taken away from him, scared him. So, he left it all before it could be.”
My breath hitched in my throat.
Oh my God.
I was like my father.
Those words had basically been plucked from my own head. What did this mean?
“What’s your point?” I asked, knowing exactly what she was going to say but needing to hear it from someone else.
“You have to take a chance at some point, Claire. Not every man is like your father. You’ll never know how wonderful being in love can be if you don’t allow yourself to fall first.”
That didn’t make sense to me, though. “He left you, Mom. You can’t tell me that didn’t destroy you. I was there. I saw how it affected you for all those years. How can I start something knowing that it could end just like that?”
“I may have had my heart broken, but I don’t regret how things happened. I wouldn’t change any of it because it gave me you. I wouldn’t have you today if I had never met him. And you are the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”
Oh, the tears. They were coming hot and fast.
I was going to have to make Mother’s Day this year the most epic holiday ever.
I grabbed the Kleenex off my nightstand and sniffled a few times before I could find my words. “So, what should I do?”
She laughed and the sound soothed me. “I can’t tell you what to do. You have to figure that out yourself. But I will say that you never know what will happen with anything life. That’s part of what makes every day exciting. But if you never put yourself out there, if you never put your heart on the line, you could miss out on something really great. I know I raised you to be an intelligent, strong-willed person who doesn’t need to rely on anyone but herself. But it’s okay to want someone. To need them. It doesn’t make you weak, Claire. To trust in someone like that, it makes you brave.”
Well, I was officially crying buckets now.
But I had gotten the mom wisdom I was looking for.
She was right, as she always was.
And now I was on my way over to David’s place to tell him the news…and ask for his forgiveness.
I had behaved really unfairly and had been completely insensitive to his feelings. Honestly, when he had first confessed everything to me in the break room, I had almost laughed because I assumed he was joking, playing some sort of cruel prank. After our tumultuous summer together, I wouldn’t have put it past him.
But then I saw his face, looking so conflicted and distressed, and I knew he was being perfectly serious.
And in my shock, I reacted stupidly.
If he let me, I would start making up for that right now.
Simon and I didn’t go out on another date. I thought back to the afternoon I told him as I rode the Metro over to David’s.
I kicked the vending machine in frustration when the release mechanism got stuck and it wouldn’t give me my Snickers bar. It had been three days since my debacle with David, I hadn’t seen him since, The Leaning Tower of Paperwork sat perched on my desk, waiting for my return, and I hadn’t had time to take a lunch break.
I needed my damn Snickers bar.
“Bad day?” came a voice behind me.
I turned around and saw Simon smiling softly at me while refilling his coffee mug. He could tell that I had been stressed out lately and hadn’t pushed for a second date, but I had a feeling that streak was about to end.
“You have no idea,” I grumbled under my breath, but when he chuckled, I knew that he had
heard me.
“Here,” he said as he walked over to me. He shook the machine a few times and gave it a good kick and a second later, my candy bar magically appeared on the other side of the chute door.
I sighed gratefully. “You’re a life saver.” I smiled at him and was about to walk back to my desk when he spoke up again.
“Listen, I know you’ve been really busy lately and you have a lot going on,” he said carefully, trying to appear casual about it, “but I was hoping that I could take you out on another date.”
The look on his face was sheepish when he raised his head to take in my reaction and my face softened. Simon really was a wonderful guy. We’d had a great time on our date last week and I had actually enjoyed spending time with him.
But just as friends.
Because that was really all the date had been. Two friends getting to know each other. There hadn’t been a lot of flirting, the conversations were completely devoid of sexual innuendo, and there was no kiss at the end of the night. Part of that was because there was never any pressure between us. From the beginning, there had never been any awkward tension or anything overtly sexual between me and Simon. Just comfortable friendship.
And that was just it.
Simon and I could never be more than friends. He was just one of those guys that I could never cross that line with. I valued his friendship too much, and I had never once felt myself attracted to him in that way. Sure, he was a good-looking guy, but I wasn’t drawn to him the way I was to David.
And because I respected him and our friendship, I gave him the truth.
“Simon, I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” A frown formed on his face but it wasn’t in surprise. It looked as if he had almost expected this, like he was prepared for it, which made me feel even worse. “It’s not that I didn’t have a good time the other night because I really did. You’re so much fun to be around. But I don’t feel this really going anywhere with us. I just think we work better as friends.”
He nodded in understanding and even smiled, a genuine one at that. “It’s okay, Claire. I understand. Really. It’s actually a good thing we didn’t go on another date because they say it only takes two dates to fall in love with me. And I just couldn’t stand to break your heart like that.”
He laughed and I rolled my eyes. Classic Simon, always making a joke, especially when things were taking a turn for Awkwardtown.
“You mean ‘they’ as in that legion of women you’ve left in your wake?”
He shrugged and took a drink of his coffee. “That’s what they tell me. I just can’t be tied down yet. Got too many years of debauchery left in me to commit to anything too early.”
The fact that he could be so self-assured when he was trying to lighten the mood, yet almost nervous when he was working up the courage to ask me out, blew my mind. It really did make him more adorable, though. It was too bad that I had no desire to take him to headboard heaven because I could see him being a very unselfish lover.
He made a couple more jokes and then I was heading for my desk, feeling much lighter, when his voice once again stopped me.
“Claire,” he called out, making me turn to see his curious eyes glinting back at me. “I’m not trying to pry or anything, but I’ve gotten the sense that there’s someone else you might be harboring feelings for.”
I could feel my face heat up and my panic flare. He quickly continued, “It’s none of my business but I just wanted to say that I hope it works out. If I never even had a chance with you, I sure hope this guy doesn’t blow his.”
Well, I sure hoped that I hadn’t blown mine with him.
I guess I would find out in the next few minutes since I was walking through the doors of David’s apartment building. My anxiety was starting to choke me up and I could feel doubt creeping in. I knew that it was just my fear getting the better of me because I was no longer doubting my feelings for David.
I wanted him and he wanted me.
I prayed that it would be that simple.
Be brave, Claire.
I rode the elevator to his floor and walked to his door on shaky legs. I only had to knock once before the door opened in front of me.
And there he was, standing there in the most casual clothes I had ever seen him in. I was so used to seeing him in his designer suits, but the worn jeans and t-shirt he wore were in no way unappealing. His hair was also mussed, looking like it hadn’t been touched since he crawled out of bed.
Annette told me that David had been working away from the office more this past week. And looking at him right now, I wondered if that had anything at all to do with me.
“Hi,” I said quietly, attempting a small smile.
He didn’t smile back. I think I was lucky to even get the “hi” that I eventually did get.
“Can I come in for a minute?” I asked hopefully.
“What do you want, Claire?” He sounded tired and not exactly thrilled that I was standing on his doorstep.
“I need to talk to you.”
It took him several seconds but he eventually opened the door wider and stepped aside, letting me in without another word. I had to block out all of the images and the scenes that overwhelmed my senses as soon as I stepped foot into his apartment. The last time I was here was under much different circumstances.
I turned around to face him and took a deep breath, readying myself for however this would go. He leaned against his kitchen counter with his arms crossed, a stern look on his face.
“So talk.”
“I owe you an apology for how I reacted last week. And the things I said.” His jaw clenched at the reminder of the ugly break room scene but he said nothing. I continued, “I’m so sorry, David. I didn’t mean any of that and you didn’t deserve it. I was just scared of where things were going with us. Pushing you away was a reflex and I just went with it without realizing what I was doing.”
His shoulder barely lifted in a shrug. “It’s over. No harm done. Let’s just move on.” He couldn’t have sounded more unemotional about it if he tried.
“I don’t want to move on. I’m trying to tell you that I want more, too. That I do feel this thing between us and I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I don’t want to deny what I’m feeling.”
His eyes flared with an almost imperceptible look of pleasure before he immediately wiped it away. The rest of his face remained stoic. “I was under a lot of pressure that day and acted without thinking,” he said in a low voice and I noticed that he had lowered his eyes to the floor, not wanting to meet my own. “Whatever I thought I felt was just brought on by heightened emotional stress and desperation. I should never have confronted you with any of it.”
I think a punch to the face would have been less painful. He said it in such a clinical way, like he had disassociated himself from the entire situation. I knew what he was doing, though. He was denying it, doing what I had done in the break room, and was protecting his pride by acting like he couldn’t care less what happened with us. So, he wouldn’t get hurt again.
We were so much alike it was scary.
Two stubborn asses stuck in an emotional vortex.
“I don’t think you mean that,” I replied, taking a step toward him, trying to coax him into dropping those walls. “I think you’re just afraid like me. Afraid of how great we could be together. Afraid of what it could mean for the future. But that’s okay, you know. It’s normal even. We can figure it all out together.”
I had taken several more steps and was now standing on the other side of the kitchen table from him. He had watched every step I took with narrowing eyes, suspicion flooding them. He considered my words and then slowly shook his head. My heart plummeted at the sight.
“No, Claire. You had it right the first time. The only relationship we need to have is a professional one. I don’t have time for anything more, so let’s just leave it at that.” He sighed and then added in a lower voice, “You should be with someone like Simon. Someone who makes y
ou laugh and can give you what you need.”
I felt hope stir at the dejection I heard in that statement. It was clear that he still cared. “That’s just it, though. Simon can’t give me what I need. I told him that. He’s never been, nor ever will be, anything more than a friend to me.” I took another step toward him—only two more until I reached him—and whispered, “He can’t give me what you can.”
One more step until I could reach out and touch him, hold him, kiss him.
His eyes snapped to mine. It looked like that had given him pause, possibly made him reassess things, but only briefly. “You don’t know what I could give you. We had one night together and like you said, you know as well as I do what it was. Just sex.” Anger laced his words and his tone dripped with bitterness.
“I didn’t mean that. It was more than that for me.”
He laughed mockingly, almost cruelly. “Please. Don’t fool yourself, Claire. You just wanted it bad that night and I was the most convenient option. You knew I wouldn’t expect more from you, so I was the perfect guy to satisfy your needs.”
My feet halted.
I stopped breathing.
And then I took a step back, away from him.
His attitude had shifted and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, how callous he was being. This was different than any other crass statement he had made to me in the past because this was personal. The things he was saying were personal. And it hurt to hear him talk that way about us.
“How can you say that?” I whispered at him, fighting back my tears.
He wasn’t stopping, though. “You can’t go backwards. You can’t look back and put more meaning into something where it didn’t exist in the first place. Your mind is telling you that it meant more because you’re hoping it did.”
My feet continued to retrace my steps backwards as I listened to his painful recounting of our relationship.
I shook my head, still wanting to believe that this was denial, his refusal to acknowledge what we meant to each other. “No. That day in the break room you said—”
He smirked and my words died on my lips. “I was just trying to get more out of you. Thought maybe you might be up for another night. You were good, so it’s not like I wouldn’t enjoy it.”
Stubborn Hearts (Timid Souls #1) Page 10
