I spent the rest of the evening cleaning, scrubbing, and organizing with Carole King making it all worthwhile in the background.
Jeannie came through the door, her husband close behind, around midnight. She was happy, if still sort of dazed. Danny took a look around the tiny house and was noticeably pleased, “Wow Sid. You’re the white tornado! This place looks great. Jeannie hon, what do you think?”
“I used to be able to do all this but I just can’t do that much now. You have a lot of energy.”
“Ha, yeah I guess I do. Well, I’m glad you guys feel good about it. I can really use the money right now, so I’d be happy to come back as often as you want.”
I got my coat, put on my hat, made sure I had my mittens. I said goodnight to Jeannie who was rummaging around in the refrigerator. I hoped I hadn’t moved stuff around too much for her.
Danny took me home in their big four-wheel drive four-door. I hadn’t been in a family car in a long time. There were car seats in the back. Danny seemed kind of drunk and he took the opportunity to give me some unsolicited advice on the drive.
“Sidney, if there’s one thing I’d say to a pretty young girl like you is take good care of yourself. Me and Jeannie, you know, we may never be the same again, I mean as a couple. You can’t drink and drive. You can’t do stupid shit. You gotta think first. You can really fuck shit up for yourself. And so many of the pretty girls, they get out of high school and they just start having kids and letting themselves go. Your life doesn’t have to be over once you graduate.”
I had never considered that anyone would think their life was over when high school ended. I had always thought that you didn’t start living until you got out of your terrible purgatory of a mandatory high school education. In Chicago I felt like everybody was just waiting to graduate and get started with their lives and their dreams. I thought the same was true in this tiny community, but maybe I was wrong.
Danny was still talking, “See like Jeannie and me, we were the homecoming king and queen. Everybody looked at us as the stars. We were on top of the world. We got married right after graduation. I got the mining job. Then Jeannie had little Cade and then we got this opportunity to help manage the resort. We had Mikey. We weren’t expecting nothing but blue skies and sunshine. Clear sailing. Straight through. Now the accident. Bam.”
He was pulling into my driveway and my dogs were running up to the truck.
“You got yourself these crazy dogs huh? They just puppies?”
“Yeah, they’re ridiculous but I love ‘em. They must have been off running around when you came before. They’re outdoor dogs. Well, thanks again and I’ll do this as often as you guys need me. I really had fun with the boys.”
“Yeah, great. We’ll do this a few times a week I think, okay? Listen Sidney, so I’m just saying to ya. It’s important to get out and do what you can with your life and not just settle down right away. And you know, you’re very attractive. You’re real pretty, you know. You gotta watch your figure. You gotta stay in shape. Don’t start eating too much. Take it easy on the pancakes.” He smiled a knowing smile and I nodded politely, “Don’t get fat. It’s easy to get fat up here. I’ve seen the girls at the high school. Most of them is way over what they should be. Don’t let that happen to you, I’m just saying it for your own good. I care about you. You got a lot of potential.”
“Thanks Danny. I really appreciate that. Yeah, I gotta be careful. Definitely. Okay, good night.”
I was shutting the passenger door and he said, “Yeah, I mean I hope I’m not saying too much, I mean I’m just trying to watch out for you.”
I ran down through the bitter cold to the cabin. The fire was almost out so I stoked it up. I took the dogs for a little jog around the drive. They followed me, nipping at my heels as I ran. I grabbed as much wood as I could carry and brought it in for the wood box. I went back out and peed in the snow with the pups. They were big now, eye-to-eye with me if I was squatting down. They licked my face while I maneuvered the toilet paper.
I said goodnight and they burrowed deep into the comforter in their box. Luckily they had each other. Luckily I had them. I went inside and looked at myself in the full-length mirror behind the bathroom door. Hmmm. Maybe I would have to get serious about what I was eating. I ate whatever I could get my hands on for the most part in an effort to conserve on cash. At school the only things I liked were the doughnuts that the town kids brought in small white paper bags from the bakery on Main Street. Somebody was always trying to get me to eat a doughnut and I usually said yes. At lunch the small cafeteria served meager rations but great french fries in red and white paper baskets. So a doughnut for breakfast, fries for lunch. When I got home to the cabin I usually only had pancake mix, which I’d stir up with one egg and some water. I had a big bottle of maple syrup and there was butter in the refrigerator. If Dale came to get me, which he did a couple times a week, then I had a real dinner.
At first I was doing so much skating and skiing that it didn’t catch up with me, but when the real winter set in, I became homebound. The skating rink had finally given way to the wreckage of Old Man Winter. The ice heaved and distorted the shoreline so drastically with its constant expansion and contraction that the ice that had been the rink was now forced five feet in the air in a great arching curve like a wave frozen high up in a picture of Hawaii, ready to crash to the rocky shore. I guessed the giant ice wave would only get more exaggerated until the big thaw in the spring. At night I could hear the ice groan and crack in the most eerie and ominous ways. The shoreline was transformed daily by the shifting of the ice.
The ski trails froze harder than I could ever have imagined. The snow changed into hard packed white styrofoam. My skis had nothing to grip, nothing to kick up. The world froze over and I felt claustrophobic in the whiteness as if I had been marooned on a glacier. My dash down to the bus at six a.m. and back again at four was becoming my only exercise which wasn’t enough compared to what I was used to.
To beat the threat of getting fat, on Saturdays I wore my denim shorts and old bandana halter-top, and started dancing to whatever music I could tune in to on the radio. I danced in front of the living room picture window so I could see my reflection and be reminded of the bulge that was threatening to form around my hips. If I danced long enough I’d get really hot and sweaty even in the chilly cabin.
Dancing in front of the picture window is how I first discovered what my dogs were up to out in the yard. A big fat snowy white and grey jackrabbit suddenly darted out from the brush and was running in clear view at one end of the snow-covered yard. The snow was so frozen that the rabbit was running along on top, his feet staying on the surface of what was probably three feet of snow beneath him. From the corner of my eye I caught Bow jumping off the kitchen porch out onto the snow, breaking through the hard crust and scrambling after the rabbit, her feet sometimes staying on top, sometimes breaking through. I was fascinated as she ran fast enough to get near the rabbit and then out of nowhere Ribbon came flying, lighter on her feet, faster than her sister. Ribbon quickly gained on the rabbit and Bow, and as Bow worked to keep the rabbit running straight by flanking the rabbit’s left side, Ribbon caught up on the rabbit’s right and then in one expert quick move Ribbon turned in on the rabbit’s path and caught it in her mouth. Within seconds as I watched with my mouth open, the rabbit was dead. The two dogs dragged and tore at the rabbit the rest of the day until they had gnawed all the bones clean. This scenario became commonplace.
The dogs took to a spot on the road where the sun shone against the back cabin wall. They enjoyed this location because they could watch for someone coming down the road, and be on the lookout for deer crossing on the paths across the road in the interior. When I got home from school or pulled in with Dale, they would almost always be gnawing on bones in front of the cabin. The carcasses of dead animals were starting to multiply. They killed a young deer at one point and the longer bones lying about really made the scene in front of the c
abin look gruesome.
FEBRUARY
I sat in chemistry class looking out the window at the white football field to the south of the school. The kids in this class were a year younger, mostly juniors, and there were twin sisters in the grade below me whom I admired a lot for their brains and beauty and fearless individuality. Today was my birthday. It was also the day before Valentine’s Day, and there were all sorts of silly rituals going on in the school to celebrate. Most of the pretty girls were getting anonymous Valentines asking “guess who” delivered by freshmen girls who were being given a lot of time off during school hours to go around interrupting any semblance of learning to deliver these random messages. The twins asked me about Dale.
“Yeah, he’s from Virginia,” I answered nonchalantly.
Both girls’ eyes got big. “That’s so huge. You’re dating an older boy and he’s already graduated? From Virginia? That’s so cool.”
I thought about Dale and I knew it wasn’t that cool, but if they thought it was cool that was great.
“Have you done it with him?”
That was always the next question out of these kids’ mouths and they were a year younger than me. In a school where the size of each graduating class was under twenty, there was at least one if not two pregnant girls in each grade.
“I haven’t done it with anybody.”
“You’re a virgin?!”
Both twins leaned in and stared at me.
“Isn’t anyone a virgin in this school?”
“Probably not,” they answered simultaneously.
“Well it’s my birthday and I’m eighteen now so maybe it’s time. Dale’s always talking about going all the way. Maybe I should just get it over with.”
“I would.”
“I would too.”
No hesitation. From either one of them.
“Yeah, well after a while it’s just like something to get over with. And Dale is the nicest guy in the world. I mean, I’m not that crazy about him, he isn’t exactly a rocket scientist, but he is sweet.”
One twin offered, “I’ve seen him, I think he’s gorgeous.”
The other added, “And he sings and plays guitar.”
“Okay well I guess you guys made up my mind for me. Thanks, girls.”
After school I went home and got ready. Dale was driving out to pick me up for a birthday dinner date. I wore my white cotton blouse with the high lace collar, which looked really cute with my extra short hair. I wore my tan leather Frye boots under the denim maxi skirt that I had recently bought. I wondered if I might have to wear my mom’s long shearling coat like I did at Christmas, but I didn’t want to because it looked so obviously expensive and like something an older woman would wear.
Dale was dressed up in a black wool turtleneck sweater and grey wool work pants that we had recently bought for him. He looked handsome and sophisticated, and showed up with a big box with a red bow. The card was full of handwritten sentiments about how wonderful our relationship was. I opened the box and was thrilled to find the rabbit fur jacket I had tried on so many times when we were at the mall in Virginia. The tan jacket was very warm and matched my leather boots. It looked perfect with my long denim skirt. I put it on and we headed out for dinner.
He took me to a really beautiful lodge on the far end of the lake that I had never even heard of. The restaurant served duck with wild rice and walleye with mashed potatoes. They had fresh broccoli which I couldn’t get enough of so we asked for a second order. They brought us a huge piece of chocolate cake at the end with a candy heart and a candle on top.
Dale sang “Happy Birthday” to me and I cried, “Dale, seriously, without you, my life would suck so bad right now. You’ve made this winter so much fun for me.”
“Good, because I feel the same way about you Sidney my dear.”
On the way back to the cabin, Dale held my hand tight and asked, “Well? Is tonight the night of all nights? Did you make up your mind? I brought the party favors if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t know, I mean, I guess. I figure, what have I got to lose, ha ha.”
“I mean, it’s a bigger deal for girls I realize, but I feel like you’ve given the whole virginity thing a respectable run Sid.”
“Oh brother.”
“I’m glad I’m not your brother, but I’m sure your brother would think it was time to join the twentieth century. I lost mine a long time ago. I’ve been looking for it ever since.”
“Dale, those jokes aren’t funny.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“No really. Not funny, Dale.”
We got to the cabin and we played with the dogs. We went in and Dale brought in as much wood as he could possibly carry and filled the wood stove and the box. I had made up my mind that I was going through with it. I decided we should get into an actual bed and my tiny pink bed was not going to work so I suggested we go into the room my grandparents, my parents, and most recently my mom and Seymour had slept in. I didn’t like to think of all those people, but I couldn’t get them out of my mind. Dale was eager and competent. He knew exactly what he was going to do and there was no hesitation. He wasn’t self-conscious and he kept saying how beautiful I was and how lucky he was, which definitely helped. Everything worked and it was over pretty quickly. I felt sort of shook up and got up to go to the kitchen. There was a bit of blood, which I wanted to clean up to make sure we didn’t mess up the sheets. Dale had used a condom, which he was fairly experienced with. He said it worked right and didn’t break.
I stood in the kitchen after peeing in the pan and dumping it down the sink. I put my hands over my face and cried. This was all too weird and too hard. I was alone with no parents. A guy who worked in an iron ore mine and was never going to college just had sex with me. Where the hell was this all leading? I was never going to college the way things looked now. There was no money, no father, barely a mother. What were Dale and I going to do, get married like the town kids? I would be a miner’s wife in Virginia, Minnesota? Or could we play music and make a living? Could we get famous like Dolly Parton or Willie Nelson?
Dale came in showing off his beautiful bare chest and his white wool long underwear bottoms. He looked gorgeous just like the girls had said.
“How’s the most beautiful girl in the world feeling now? Was that okay? Are you okay? What’d you think? How’d I do?”
“You were great. Thanks, Dale.”
“Happy birthday, Sidney. I love you.” He’d never said that before but I knew he did love me.
“I love you too, Dale.” He stayed the whole night with his arms around me and I shut my brain off. I was happy and warm and grateful.
The next morning was Valentine’s Day. I walked into the main hall off the school bus and some kid said, “The principal’s looking for you.”
The principal was never looking for me. I walked down to the office and stuck my head in at the door.
“Hi Mr. Harlan, the kids said you wanted to see me?”
“Sidney! Sidney, my dear girl. Come in and take a load off.”
He was in a good mood so I sat down in one of the wooden chairs, leaned it back on two legs and put my feet up on his desk, red laced hiking boots inches from his stacks of papers.
I smiled my biggest smile. He smiled back.
“You’re a great kid but get your feet off my desk.”
I laughed. “Sorry.”
“Listen Sidney, I’ve been thinking about your situation.”
“Good, at least somebody is.”
“You’re an excellent student. You have almost straight As with us.”
“Except calculus.”
“Except calculus, where I’m happy to say we are kicking your city-slicker butt.”
“Very funny. And true.”
“I heard that song you wrote for the talent show. And I’ve read a few of the papers you’ve written. You’re a real talent in the creative writing area I believe.”
“Thank you.”
/> “The point is you need to go to college.”
“I don’t think that’s a possibility at this point.”
“Why not?”
“My dad’s not going to pay for me to go to college now and my mom doesn’t have any money.”
“There are other ways to skin a cat, if you don’t mind the expression.”
“I think I do mind.”
I was getting uncomfortable. I was thinking of making money by getting Dale to quit his job and go on the road with me. Maybe we could get famous.
I hadn’t discussed it with Dale and I didn’t know if I even liked Dale enough to do that with him.
“Sidney, what I’m getting at is I have taken the liberty of contacting an old schoolmate of mine from up here on the Range. He and I went to the University together, first Duluth, then in The Cities. He is the head of the English department of a very fine liberal arts college in St. Paul. I told him about you and he is willing to meet with you.”
“I really appreciate this. I’m not sure how I’d get there or what he could do for me when I don’t have any money. I mean, I have like thirty dollars right now.”
“I am prepared to buy you a bus ticket to St. Paul from our needy student fund. We can use that money any way we see fit to help students who can’t afford something that is crucial to their academic advancement. I believe this would be good use of the money.”
“And then what? What if he likes me? I can’t pay for college. No way.”
“I talked to him at length and he feels that his school, because it’s small and privately run, has many financial opportunities for someone like yourself. He thinks you could maybe get a complete financial aid package. Sidney. This is your chance. Will you go? I can buy you a ticket and you can go down this Friday for the day.”
“Okay.”
I smiled. He smiled. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had never been to St. Paul. I had never gone to a college interview.
When I returned to the cabin that evening I called my mother and told her that I was taking a bus to St. Paul.
A Girl Called Sidney Page 24
