It was the best day of hers as well. At the time, she hadn’t known it was his birthday. She found out many months later. To make it up to him, she used her allowance and bought him a chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing. His favorite. And every birthday since, no matter where they went or what they ate, they ended the day sharing a chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing.
Today would be no different. “Wait a second for me, Alex. I’ll be right back.” She went to the kitchen and grabbed the small white bag she’d left in there earlier. She hadn’t known if he would show up today, but just in case, she wanted to be prepared. She opened the door. He was still sitting in the doorway. She sat across from him, not trusting herself to ask him in.
He looked so weathered. His eyes were glazed. His hands so swollen and scarred. He had lost more weight and looked so fragile, so broken.
He deteriorated so much in just a matter of weeks. Part of her blamed herself. Maybe if she’d let him stay he wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Her eyes began to fill with tears and she knew she was powerless to stop them from spilling over.
Alex erased her tears with his scarred fingers. As usual, he could read her thoughts. “You did the right thing, babe. I was angry at first, hurt and scared, but in the end it was for the best. I don’t want you to end up like me, like this. The baby has to come first. I am not fit to be anyone’s father or anyone’s husband. I’m sorry I didn’t leave on my own and that I had to force your hand. Don’t feel bad for this. This is my own doing.”
Leah fumbled with the bag in her hand and finally just handed it to Alex. Her eyes were so blurred from tears. She didn’t expect this reaction from him. Usually he was angry when he visited or hurt, but never so accepting, so resigned. This reaction scared her more. It was like his fire had been extinguished. Not even a spark of hope remained.
He opened the bag and saw the cupcake. That brought a brief smile to his face. “Will you share it with me?”
She could see the tears in his eyes and his desperation. He expected rejection, but she would not deny him this. Not today.
“First bite for the birthday boy,” she spoke, easing some of the tension. Alex took a bite and then offered it to her. She bit into the cupcake, savoring the rich chocolate but mostly just enjoying this moment with him. Right or wrong, she missed him. She loved him.
They ate the cupcake in silence, slowly trying to savor the moment. Eventually there was nothing left and she knew this moment, this truce between them, was over, but she didn’t want it to be. She was warring with herself and her heart was winning the battle. She wanted him to stay.
Before she could offer, Alex rose. “I have to go,” he spoke.
Leah scrambled to her feet. “You could…”
“No I can’t, Leah. I can see it in your eyes. We both know it would be a mistake. Don’t say the words. Once I hear them, I won’t be strong enough to walk away from you.”
She knew he was right even though she didn’t want him to be.
He placed his hand on the slight bulge at her waist. “Do you think it’s a girl or a boy?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Claire is convinced it’s a girl. I think she just wants it to be a girl.”
“What do you want it to be?”
“I like the idea of a boy who looks like you or a girl who looks like you,” she smiled. “What do you prefer?”
“A healthy, untainted child. That’s why I need to go.” Alex stepped further into the hallway, reinforcing the distance between them. “Look Leah, I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s very likely that I won’t be around much for this baby. I do love it, though. Please. Don’t let this child grow up thinking I didn’t care. No child deserves to grow up feeling like its parents didn’t care.”
They both had grown up feeling that way. Alex abandoned by his parents while she was forgotten.
“My words might not be enough. Your actions would make all the difference, Alex. Just be there for us. Show this child that you love him or her.”
He nodded, but she could see the resignation in his eyes. He wasn’t planning to be around and it was time for her to plan to raise this baby alone.
He turned to leave but then he stepped back in the doorway and grabbed Leah’s shoulders, tugging her to him. As if fearing she would reject him, he fused their lips together, holding her so close that she couldn’t push away even if she wanted to. She didn’t want to, though. She wanted this kiss as much as he did.
She poured every ounce of her love into that kiss, hoping it would give him strength to fight this disease and beat it. He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers as they both struggled to catch their breath. He traced kisses along her face and then found her lips again.
He released her more quickly than she would have liked and disappeared down the hallway without looking back. She wanted to call out to him, beg him to return, but she let him go.
She touched her fingers to her lips which were still searing from his kiss. She wanted to believe that kiss was a promise of what was to come, but rather it felt like a goodbye.
“Happy birthday, Alex,” she said one last time as she closed the door.
II
Two months and no word from Alex. She texted him, but he never responded.
Sick with worry, she had finally given in and called his adoptive mother Rose two weeks ago. That had been an expectantly unpleasant exchange. She listened as Rose berated her for abandoning her son and stealing his child away from him. If only things were that simple. For Rose, she needed things to be that simple. Alex suffered, it must be Leah’s fault. Alex used drugs, Leah drove him to it. Someone had to take the blame for Alex’s mistakes, and since it could never be Alex’s fault it had to be Leah’s.
The one good thing from that conversation was that she learned Alex had been staying with his parents. He wasn’t living on the streets. Having his parents enable his addiction probably wasn’t for the best either, but at least he was alive even if not exactly well.
She could take some comfort in that; enough to allow her to move on with her life. Her pregnancy was progressing nicely, even though she was still at risk for preeclampsia.
Work was her salvation. She resurrected her creative juices and started writing strong articles again about drugs, but now those stories were becoming more personal. They were becoming her therapy. She never spoke of Alex directly, but she started to write about the impact of drugs on those who loved the addict.
She was certainly qualified to write about this subject. She’d lived it most of her life, and probably would until the day she died. It was clear that Alex was no closer to sobriety and she was further away from dependency. She was healing even though he wasn’t, and that was creating an insurmountable wedge between them.
Leah’s healing was mostly due to her therapy. Dr. Lechter had suggested that she meet with a counselor to talk about her feelings. She hinted that Leah needed some rehab as well. Leah bristled at the suggestion initially. She was not the one on drugs, so she didn’t need to be rehabilitated, but she learned from the counselor that in many ways she was just as much of addict as Alex. She was addicted to him.
Leah was smart enough to realize that she’d become a textbook case of codependency, but she was so trapped in the cycle that she didn’t know how to break free. She took the first step when she asked Alex to leave, but that was only the beginning of her journey. She needed to figure out who she was apart from Alex.
That was the first question the counselor asked her. “Who is Leah Rhodes?” She didn’t know how to respond. She was Alex’s fiancé, his best friend, his caretaker, his supporter, his everything, but that didn’t really tell the story of Leah. It scared her to know that for all her passion for writing, she couldn’t even be creative enough to write her own story.
She had spent her life ignoring her needs and being obsessively consumed with his needs. It had reached a point where her needs were defined by his. She’d ceased to be her own person. Thanks to her c
ounselor, she was learning to focus more on her life beyond Alex. It was hard and she doubted she would ever fully be able to let go, but at least she recognized her behavior for what it was and could take some steps to heal.
She would find her own identity whether it was as a journalist, mother, or friend, but she would no longer live her life just as Alex’s lover. She would find her own passions in life. Even in simple things like movies, books, and television shows. Her life had become so intertwined with Alex’s that she no longer knew where Leah began and he ended.
Love should never be an abandonment of oneself. For Leah, the added layer of addiction to her love for Alex inevitably resulted in the sacrifice of her needs in favor of his. Part of her resented him for consuming so much of her life, but she finally recognized that it was her failure that had stopped her from living her life. Her counselor helped her see that regaining her own sense of self-worth was crucial for her healing. Until she healed herself, she could never help Alex heal. Two addicts couldn’t save each other. They could only bring each other further into addiction.
This time apart was a mixed blessing for Leah. It forced her to become her own person and focus on her own healing without having to sacrifice her recovery at the expense of helping him cope with his addiction.
The distance he placed between them made it easier. Even though she reached out to him on occasion, he never responded.
Her feelings for him did not change. She still missed him deeply and loved him as much as ever, but she was slowly learning to live without him. She didn’t like it, but she learned to accept it. Leah would never give up hope that he would one day break the bonds of this disease. She would be there for him when he did but she wouldn’t stop living in the meantime, not with a burgeoning career and, more importantly, a child on the way.
The baby was becomingly increasingly real. She could feel it growing inside her and it was starting to move. At first it was the tiniest of flutters, but now it was the occasional kick. A good reminder of her priorities. She wished Alex could enjoy this time with her, but she would enjoy it for the both of them. Her morning sickness was gone and now she felt more energized and more excited than she had in months.
Although she didn’t have Alex to share this time with, there was Claire and a few other friends she made at work. She even thought about calling her family, but she wasn’t quite ready for that yet. She would start with her brother Tristan and, if that worked, then consider her parents, but she still needed time. One day at a time.
Marcus invited her to a lunch meeting. It was her day off but he wanted to meet and she wasn’t about to refuse. He had been more than patient with her for months now, and she owed it to him to be available when he requested.
Their relationship seemed to be back on track as well. They were actually really becoming friends and that meant a lot to Leah. There was so much she could learn from Marcus and he seemed more than willing to teach her. He was just the kind of mentor she needed.
They met at a steakhouse in Forest Hills near her home. He claimed he did not want her to do any extra traveling in her condition. She often reminded him that she was pregnant and not an invalid, but he acted as if was one and the same. Men.
She arrived a few minutes after noon, and of course Marcus was already there. The man was a stickler for time.
“Sorry I’m late.” She greeted Marcus, who pulled out her chair for her.
“You’re not late. I was just early. Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for inviting me. I had to get out the apartment. I have become obsessed with cleaning. When I am not writing, I am scrubbing floors. I bet my mother wishes I would have had that problem as a child.”
Marcus grinned. “What kind of child were you?”
Leah was surprised by the question, but she no longer felt like keeping every detail of her life a secret. The worst had been exposed and she survived it. Everything else paled in comparison.
“I was actually pretty docile and quiet. I never wanted to cause a stir, so I stayed out the way. The only act of defiance was seeing Alex.”
Marcus sipped his wine. “Do you mind talking about him?”
“Not at all,” Leah responded. “I love Alex. I’m not ashamed of that love. I hate where we are now, but I am not going to pretend like all the years we shared didn’t happen.”
“When will you let go of him? How long will you hold out hope for him?”
Marcus wasn’t the first person to ask her that question, and he wouldn’t be the last. For now, her answer was the same. “I will continue to hope until I no longer have a reason to. As long as Alex is breathing, there is a chance he will get better. I am not going to stop living my life in the meantime, but I will wait for him.”
“That’s just it, Leah. By waiting for him you are not fully living. Will you never date again, hoping that he will one day appear at your door clean and sober?”
“Marcus, I can’t even think about dating and not because I’m clinging on to some hope of Alex recovering. I have been in love with the same man my entire life. I am now pregnant with that man’s child. I can’t even fathom the idea of loving another at this point. I have never wanted another man. Maybe one day I will, but for now, I need to focus on me and my child, not love and romance. There’s no place in my life for those things.”
“There would be a place in your life for both if Alex was the one offering,” he replied bitterly.
Finally, Leah could see that his interest for her was beyond friendship. He wanted more than she could give. Marcus was a wonderful man. The ideal man for most women, but not for her, not now. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she wouldn’t hurt him by lying.
“Maybe. Marcus, can you understand that Alex is all I know?” She would usually refrain from revealing so much of herself to someone, but as Marcus had become a good friend, she felt comfortable opening up to him. Besides, she wanted to be honest with him and not give him false hope of a potential future that she knew could never happen. “Think about it, Marcus. Alex was my first friend. He was the first and only man I have every kissed, my first and only love, and my first and only lover. It is possible he will not be the last, but considering that he has been my everything for 85% of my life, I can’t just move on after a few months apart. I may never be able to. That’s a harsh reality I have come to accept. That doesn’t mean one day I won’t try, but right now, my only concern is providing a good life for my child. Whatever happens after that is in the lap of the gods.”
“Queen fan?” Marcus quipped, easing some of the tension that had enveloped them.
“The biggest Queen fan ever. I have all of their albums and I know every word to every song.”
“I would not have pegged you for a Bohemian Rhapsody kind of girl.”
“Well, I am, but my favorite song is one of their less famous ballads, One Year of Love. I could listen to Freddie Mercury sing all night and never grow weary of his voice.”
“Does Alex share your love of Freddie?”
“Not to this degree, but he has always supported it. Most of the albums I have, he bought for me.”
Marcus watched her pensively and then his lips quirked in an adorable knowing smile. “I get it, Leah. When you talk about him, love just radiates from you. You simply glow. Alex is a lucky man. I just wished he realized it for both your sakes. What you two share is so rare. I wouldn’t give up on it either.”
“Thank you.”
They enjoyed the rest of their lunch, avoiding the topic of Alex and focusing on more neutral territory like work, sports, and Leah’s Queen obsession.
After lunch, Marcus walked Leah back to her apartment. They said their farewells at the door and made plans to do lunch again in a couple of weeks as friends. Exactly what Leah needed.
She went to charge her phone. The battery was completely drained. There were three voicemail messages waiting for her. All three were from South Shore Hospital. She dropped the phone, shattering it into pieces. She reached for her ba
g and ran out her apartment and down the stairs to hail a cab.
“Where to, Miss?” the driver asked.
“Please take me to South Shore Hospital. Drive as fast as you can, please.” She wept as the cab accelerated into traffic.
Chapter 7: Confessions
Leah awoke in a strange place, but the warm body underneath her was so comfortingly familiar that she no longer cared where she was as long as she could stay like this forever. She felt his hand gently stroke her back and she looked up into those familiar blue eyes—those eyes she thought she might never see again.
When she got that call from the hospital telling her that Alex had overdosed, she was convinced that when she arrived at the hospital all that would be waiting for her was his lifeless body to identify. He had been so frighteningly pale. His lips and nails had been tinged with blue, as if death were closing in on him. His heart had stopped twice, but the doctors were able to revive him. Twelve hours later, she was lying in his hospital bed with him, grateful that he survived but fearful that this would not be the last time death searched for him.
“Hey you.” He spoke with a casualness that belied the seriousness of their situation.
Leah sat up in the bed and stretched. “How long have you been awake?”
“On and off again for the last few hours.” He pressed his hand against her growing belly. “I don’t know how you sleep with that little one kicking you so hard. I thought I was hallucinating that something was crawling on me, but then I realized it’s the little soccer star in your stomach.”
“This baby is an active one for sure, but I don’t mind the kicks. It’s comforting to know that he or she is in there and getting stronger. I feel like I am doing something right.” Leah reached for the water and poured Alex a glass. He drank it all and then she poured herself one. “So, what do you remember from yesterday?”
For the Love of Alex Page 14
