Although her mother wanted her to stay the night, she decided to return home. Maybe that had not been the best decision. At least with her family she could have pretended to be caught up in the holiday cheer, but there was no pretending in this empty apartment.
Leah had not put up any holiday decorations. There was no tree, no presents, no stockings, no reminders that this was Christmas morning. She certainly wasn’t feeling the holiday spirit alone in her apartment.
She thought about emailing Alex, but she’d sent him several emails since she learned he was in rehab, and he had yet to respond. There had been so much optimism after speaking to Deverson, but now it seemed like Alex was shutting her out again. He might have been getting better in rehab, but that didn’t mean he wanted a future with her anymore. Maybe sobriety was helping him see his life differently and in this awakening, he realized he didn’t want her to be a part of his new life once he was free. Why else would he not call or write?
She would not obsess over these negative thoughts as she’d done much too often recently. She always assumed the worst. There was no point dwelling on the unknown. She needed a distraction.
She dragged herself out of bed and made some tea. At least she could entertain herself with some mindless television. She curled up on the couch and flipped on the cable. Not much on at this time of the morning but silly infomercials. Mindless entertainment featuring some overly exuberant guy trying to pitch some diet pill guaranteed to result in the loss of at least three pounds per week. Not that that she believed this would work, but she jotted the name down just in case she struggled with excess baby weight.
She mocked herself before finding another infomercial about home mortgages. This would surely be the perfect cure for her insomnia.
Leah awoke several hours later to a loud knock at her door. She searched for the clock and realized it was nearly ten in the morning. The TV was still on, but no more infomercials.
The knocking continued. “Leah! Are you there?”
It was Claire. An unexpected surprise. Leah opened the door and gasped. Claire was dressed in what looked like a Santa’s helper suit at least two sizes too small. The red velvet skirt barely reached her mid-thigh, and the black fishnet stockings and thigh-high leather boots were definitely not something one would find in the children’s section of the store.
“Why are you dressed as Santa’s mistress?” Leah inquired as she opened the door, further allowing Claire to enter the apartment.
“What are you talking about? I am one of the elves.” Claire twirled around, showing off the tiny bits of her costume.
That might explain it. The outfit looked like it was made for someone half the size of Claire. “Claire, where did you get this from?”
“The Pleasure Palace.”
Leah just shook her head. “You purchased a Santa Claus outfit from an adult store?”
“Don’t be so judgmental. It was hard finding a suit like this on such short notice. At least they had this one available. They also had a cute reindeer costume which featured a red nose and very little else. I figured you wouldn’t like that one. I will use that for a special occasion.”
Claire would undoubtedly find a special occasion for that outfit. “So what brings you here on Christmas morning in your costume?”
“Well, it’s Christmas.”
“But you’re Jewish.”
“Only when it’s convenient.”
“You don’t sound very devout.”
“I’m flexible, at least that’s what all the guys say,” Claire said, winking.
“You’re incorrigible,” Leah laughed as she returned to her spot on the couch.
“You sound like my mother. She would have flipped if she’d seen this outfit, just like those old ladies I ran into this morning.” Leah knew this wasn’t going to be good. “I was on my way over here walking down Queens Boulevard minding my own business. I passed this church and a bunch of women glared at me as if I were like a Christmas hooker. One in particular was especially grumpy. I glared back at her and then one old hag had the audacity to huff at me. No one huffs at me. I huffed back.”
Please tell me she did not get into a fight with an elderly woman, Leah pleaded.
“Then her husband comes out and she whispers to him and points to me. Who does that? How rude?”
“You should have just walked away, Claire. She was just some stuffy old lady.”
“Just because you’re old, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to be obnoxious. Anyway, I could see her husband was digging my outfit so I decided to give him a little show. I flashed a little butt cheek and the old man turned beet red. Grandma almost had a stroke on the church steps. I just smirked and sashayed down the street to your block never looking back. It was a good morning.”
Leah buried her face in her hands. She just hoped she didn’t know those people and would never see them. She certainly would avoid that church.
“So, my BFF, I have a Christmas gift for you. Actually, it’s for my little goddaughter.”
Leah hadn’t officially asked Claire to be the godmother, but there was no better choice. Claire was so excited about the baby and Leah knew her friend would love this child like it was her own.
Claire pulled out a beautifully wrapped present from her Louis Vuitton tote bag and handed it to Leah. Leah gingerly opened the present, careful not to tear the rapping.
Impatient as ever, Claire yelled, “Would you just rip it open already?”
Leah rolled her eyes and continued to slowly open the present, to Claire’s dismay. Her devilish side enjoying rousing Claire’s impatience.
Finally, she opened the gift and revealed an exquisite crocheted baby blanket the color of lavender, light blue, and pink. The blanket was so soft that Leah wanted to wrap herself in it.
“Claire, this is gorgeous. Thank you so much.”
“I’m glad you like it. I made it myself.”
Leah eyes widened as she stared at her friend in disbelief. The blanket was clearly handcrafted, but Leah could not imagine that Claire’s hands could crochet something like this. Claire did not crochet or knit or do anything that domestic. “You did this?”
“Kinda sorta, but not really. I designed it and I tried to make it. I took a class. My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to find a healthy activity to release my stress and control my occasional bouts of temper. I figured crocheting might be good. I could make cute little booties and hats for the baby. I was really excited, but then I actually tried to crochet and it wouldn’t work the way it should. My instructor was completely useless. No help to me at all. So I threatened to stab her with the needles and she kicked out of class. I decided to hire someone to make the blanket based on my design. Just like that, my stress was gone. In an odd way, crocheting helped me after all.”
Leah’s head was spinning trying to make sense of Claire’s words. Her best friend was insane but she loved her anyway. Claire’s support over these last few challenging months had been a lifesaver for her. She wouldn’t trade in this friendship for anything. She just hoped that Claire would stay out of trouble so she could be there for the baby’s birth.
They spent most of the morning together sharing stories—or rather Claire shared and Leah just listened and enjoyed her friend’s escapades. Listening to Claire, it was hard to believe they were the same age. Their lives were so vastly different. Leah hoped they would never grow apart because she needed Claire’s recklessness as Claire needed Leah’s stability. Together they were a perfect fit.
“So, Leah, I don’t want to upset you, but I have to ask. Have you heard from Alex?”
Leah knew the question would come eventually. It was the question everyone asked and it was the one that was the hardest to answer because once she said no, she would get that sad, pitiful look from the person and then she would struggle to put on a brave face when inside she was breaking. At least with Claire, she didn’t have to feign courage. No need to be valiant in the face of agony. Claire wou
ld understand.
“I haven’t heard from him.” And she feared she never would again.
“You will,” Claire assured her with such confidence and belief in those two simple words.
She prayed Claire was right, but even if she did hear from him, would it be words she wanted to hear or rather words that would shatter her forever?
Claire didn’t mention Alex again and, after a couple of hours, she left. Leah had wanted her to stay longer, but she couldn’t cling to Claire in Alex’s absence. She would find her own way. At least Claire had made this Christmas bearable for her and had given her the perfect gift to remind her of the future.
She picked up the baby blanket Claire had given her and held it close to heart. She couldn’t wait to snuggle her child in this blanket. Soon enough, the baby would be here. This tiny little piece of her and Alex. No matter what would happen between them, this child would be a constant reminder of the love that they had shared since childhood. This child would be a product of that love.
Leah looked around her apartment. There was a lot that needed to be done to make this place ready for her daughter. She hadn’t purchased anything for the baby yet. She hadn’t even prepared a nursery. There was a small dining room in the apartment that she never used and planned to convert into a nursery. If she wanted to have it ready in time, she needed to get starter soon. March was right around the corner.
She started making a list of things to buy when her cellphone rang. She looked at the number, but it was restricted. She was about to press ignore, thinking it was a telemarketer or bill collector, but since it was Christmas that was unlikely. She answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“Merry Christmas, babe.”
Alex. He called. Leah bit back a sob as she tried to find words to say.
All she could manage was to say his name.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner, but I needed time.”
Time. What did he need time for? To reassess their relationship? Leah tried not to panic, but the calmness of his voice only heightened her anxiety. She wanted to ask him more but decided avoidance was the better option for now. She just wanted to enjoy this holiday moment with him. Even though it was only a phone call, it meant the world to her to spend at least part of Christmas with Alex.
She focused the conversation, updating him on her life. She told him about her mother and the surprise visit. Alex was just as stunned as she’d been when she saw her mother waiting for her at her apartment door.
Leah explained that they were taking tentative steps to building some kind of relationship. It wouldn’t be easy but she knew there was more to her mother than the cold mask of indifference she usually wore. Yet she wanted to break down the walls surrounding her mother’s heart because she knew that for her mother’s sake the unemotional life she opted to lead would one day destroy her. Her mother deserved so much more than she was allowing herself.
Alex asked about her father. That was a tougher relationship to explain. He had been fairly cordial Christmas Eve, but she could still hear the judgment and disapproval in every word he spoke. He only wanted perfection in his life and to him that meant he wanted a family that obeyed every command, stayed out of trouble and did whatever possible to maintain the perfect family image. He was all about appearances, and if his family complied with his wishes they would be rewarded with his bank account—but never his heart. It was almost as if he no longer had one or it was buried so deep that he couldn’t even find it.
In many ways he was the perfect match for her mother because he provided the life she thought she wanted and the security she craved, and his distance allowed her to bury the emotions she never wanted to surface. But it was an unhealthy pairing. He may have been naturally cold and unemotional, but Leah knew that beyond the mask, her mother was so much more. He was stifling her true self and she accepted that in exchange for money and the lifestyle he provided.
Leah had never really seen the cracks in her parents’ marriage as a child, but now she looked at them through newer, clearer lenses and was amazed to see how damaged they truly were. Although she and Alex had a truckload of problems weighing them down, she would never trade their life for the emptiness that defined her parents’ marriage. She wanted more. She wished for her mother’s sake that she would find more as well.
“My mother is such a complicated mess, but I’m glad she showed up at my door. Yes, I wish it were four years sooner, but at least she finally came and now we have a chance to build something. We’ll see what happens, but I’ll take something with her versus the silence of the last few years.”
“I’m glad for you and for her. You never said anything, but I always knew that you missed your mother even when you were still living under her roof. I always thought that your mother loved you in her own way. She just never knew how to show it. She’s impotent when it comes to emotional displays.”
Alex had always tried to reassure Leah of her mother’s love. Leah would protest otherwise, but Alex had never wavered. He told her many times that he sensed the feelings were there, but Leah’s mother was too weak to show it.
Leah finally believed he was right all along. She told him about her brother and his troubles in school. Nothing too serious, but typical rebellious behavior. He hated living up to their father’s high standards and he wanted to break free of the control, but not of their father’s financial support.
Her mother had confided that she was worried Tristan might get into more serious trouble with drugs and alcohol. Addiction certainly ran in her family, a point her father loved to throw in Francesca’s face whenever Tristan was caught drinking or smoking marijuana.
“I don’t believe he is in too much trouble yet, but I do worry about him. I promised my mother and him that I would keep up with him and be there for him. I will keep an eye out on my little brother.”
“Still saving everyone, Leah. You can’t help yourself. You’re a natural caretaker, which is why I know you will be a phenomenal mother.”
“As you will be a phenomenal father.”
Alex didn’t respond, but Leah didn’t need to hear the words to know that Alex wasn’t planning to be a father right now even though his child would be born in ten weeks.
“Tell me about rehab.” Leah changed the subject, trying to elicit something from Alex, who had gone hauntingly quiet.
Alex told her about Deverson’s offer to go into treatment. He had been reluctant to accept it first, not trusting Deverson’s act of kindness. “For all I knew, the guy wanted to get into my pants. I wasn’t desperate enough for that.”
Yet he had been desperate enough once before and accepted pills in exchange for sex from a fellow patient at the last rehab facility. They hadn’t spoken about that affair since Alex revealed the truth while in the hospital. Leah thought it was better to avoid the subject, but she knew it would haunt them forever unless they finally dealt with that painful wound.
Alex took the initiative before she could ask. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that mistake. I can’t ever make it up to you, Leah. I’ll never forgive myself for doing it. That girl meant nothing to me, but I was so desperate to get high that in that moment, nothing else mattered but the drugs. I didn’t care about you, us, or the future. All I wanted was that feeling of being high and I wanted the agony of withdrawal to go away. She was a means to that end and in that moment, I sacrificed everything that mattered to me for that momentarily relief from the pills. I would do anything to erase that moment, but it’s a mistake I have to live with forever. I hope one day, you can forgive me for it.
“Rehab has helped me reflect on my life. So much has happened the last few months and most of it wasn’t good, and that’s because of me. I can’t get let go of the conversation we had when I was in the hospital. I keep seeing your face. The mix of shock, hurt, disappointment, and anger as you finally learned the truth about me and all that I had done to us. I’ve spent so many years deceiving you and myself. I’m learning so mu
ch about myself here and I don’t like most of what I’ve discovered but I have to accept myself—the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to be a better person.”
“I forgive you, Alex,” Leah spoke, and as soon as the words escaped her lips she knew without a doubt they were true. She forgave him. “I forgave you long ago.”
“Even for the cheating? I swear Leah, it was only that one time and I can’t tell you how much I regret it.”
Leah had to admit that was the hardest part to accept, but she let go of it because she understood that it was his disease to blame. This disease of addiction that had taken so much of his life away. There was no point punishing him for those past mistakes when he was working so hard to heal himself.
“Yes. I won’t lie to you and pretend it didn’t hurt. It may always hurt to some degree, but I do forgive you for it, Alex. It’s time you forgive yourself.”
That would be the toughest challenge for him. Alex had always been harder and more unforgiving of himself than Leah ever had been. She hated the way he had mercilessly punished himself for his perceived failures. He held himself to his ridiculously high standard than chastised himself for never being able to achieve it. That failure would haunt him and the only relief was the heroin that would wipe the pain away.
“Leah, I have to go soon. There are others anxious to use the phone.”
“Can I see you?” she asked. Deverson said she couldn’t visit until the ninety days were over, but maybe they could make an exception for one brief visit. It would feel so much better to see he was okay. She would give anything just to see him again even for a few minutes. “I would really like to see you, Alex.”
“I’m not ready to see you,” he admitted.
Leah flinched as those words struck her. They stung deep. Her hands were trembling as she held onto the phone. As much as this killed her, she wanted to hear the truth from him. No more running.
“Where does this leave us, Alex?”
The silence on the phone was more of answer than any words he could say.
“I don’t know, babe. I don’t want to hurt you. I would rather die than hurt you, Leah, but I can’t tell you what you want to hear. One thing I have realized is that I cannot figure out how to live a life with you when I can’t figure out how to live with myself. I have to fix me in order to have a chance at fixing us. I have a lot of work to do to heal myself. Until I do that work, I can’t be any use to you. I wish I could say something more definitive. I wish I could say something to make you feel reassured, but I am not going to lie to you ever again. The truth is I am in no shape to make promises about the future when I am still not even certain I can have one. I love you, Leah. The one promise I can make is that I always will.”
For the Love of Alex Page 19
