But no, he could hardly give him that. Tejana’s instructions set a five-dollar limit and his better judgment told him it would need to be safely anonymous. Not that he’d likely gotten Finn.
He tore open the envelope: Don.
He gave a short laugh. Well then, an air freshener for his car, perhaps? Joshua had no idea, but at least it wasn’t Finn. He told himself he was relieved and ignored the stupid flare of disappointment.
Reaching up to the bookcase, he took down the photo. They both looked like boys, Finn’s face less angular than now and his eyes bright and laughing. As for himself, Joshua looked... He looked good. Happy. Optimistic. He remembered the day so well—on the spur of the moment they’d driven up the coast in his dad’s convertible and they’d been sitting on the hood at a rest stop when the photo was taken, the ocean glittering behind them. A soccer mom in her SUV had taken it for them.
She’d told them they made a cute couple. Finn had flushed, but in a good way, like he was pleased she’d guessed how things were between them. It had felt like the world was smiling on them back then.
“I miss you,” he told the Finn in the picture and stroked his thumb over the glass. Then he took the photo into his bedroom. Best not to leave it out now that the whole town knew Finn Callaghan.
The caroling took place the weekend before Christmas. Traditionally, they walked around the neighborhood near the school, stopping to let people come out and listen. Then they ended up on Main Street where Dee opened late and they sang until everyone was too cold and headed in for hot chocolate. Liz always came along to help, as did a lot of the parents. It was a genuine, old-fashioned community event.
Joshua loved it.
This year, the town’s A-list celebrities had come along too: Sean, Tejana and Finn. Joshua told himself he didn’t mind, that it was a good thing that Sean and Tejana were involved with the local community. And Finn...? Well, he was openly dating Liz Howard, so why wouldn’t he be there? Although Joshua had always assumed TV actors spent more time acting than Finn seemed to do—for a man bent on Hollywood success, he spent a lot of time in an off-season seaside town.
“Hiatus,” Liz explained, when he asked. “Finn doesn’t go back until after New Year’s.”
“Of course,” Joshua said with a fixed smile. Of course.
They started early, as soon as it got dark, with Joshua handing out lanterns on poles to the grown-ups and small jars with electric lights inside for the children. They made a great image, all standing there outside the school.
He had his guitar to help everyone stay in tune and they ran through a verse of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” to get everyone warmed up. He heard Finn’s voice immediately, a tuneful baritone that slipped right under Joshua’s skin. Finn held a lantern on a pole and when Joshua caught his eye he smiled before thinking better of it and frowning down at his music.
But it was enough to set Joshua’s stomach fluttering, fool that he was. At best, he and Finn could only ever be friends, and even that felt like a long shot. He’d be wise not to start hoping for more.
It took about an hour to walk the route, lots of people opening their front doors to listen, some coming out to give money and donate warm spiced cider and cookies to the singers. It was a joyful thing, this singing. He loved seeing the children’s excitement and the smiles on their parents’ faces—such a simple thing, not expensive or difficult, but so valued. At times like this he didn’t regret not seeking his own fame and fortune as a musician. What was music for, after all, but to bring people together?
A couple of times he glanced over at Finn, saw Liz standing with him and looked away. There were other times when he felt eyes on him, Finn’s attention slipping away when Joshua turned to look. He imagined, briefly, what it would be like to stand with his shoulder pressed against Finn’s, sharing smiles as they sang together, breath misting in the cold air.
Those were the dreams his joy was made of now.
By the time they reached Dee’s, Joshua had abandoned his guitar because his hands were too cold. He’d misplaced his gloves and hadn’t bothered to look for them since he couldn’t play wearing them anyway, but he regretted it now and pulled his numb fingers into his sleeves to try and thaw them out.
“That was great, Newt!” Liz beamed at him as the informal choir dispersed in search of hot drinks. “We’re gonna count the cash inside”—she rattled the collection bucket—“but this thing’s heavy. I think we did well.”
He smiled as she and Matt headed into Dee’s, and then shivered. His toes were numb too. Some people ran hot, Joshua had always run cold. He was contemplating the crush in the coffee shop, wondering whether he could brave it for something hot to warm him up, when someone said, “You need some gloves.”
Joshua turned, surprised to find Finn at his shoulder. Not too close, though, a careful distance away. Finn shoved his hands into the pockets of his heavy coat, eyes bright beneath the beanie he wore. He looked warm and inviting, and utterly out of reach. “Hey.” Joshua tucked his freezing hands under his arms. “Thanks for coming—nothing like a little Hollywood glitz to get the crowds out.”
Finn snorted a genuine laugh that made Josh’s gut pinch with want. “Hollywood, right,” Finn said with a shake of his head. “You, ah, you do this every year?”
“The last couple. Liz helps with the kids. She’s a very dedicated teacher.”
“Yeah...” Finn’s voice dropped away and into silence. Joshua scuffed his boots on the frozen sidewalk and Finn hunched deeper into his coat. “Huh,” he said after a while. “Snow.”
And so there was, a few flakes drifting through the still air and landing on the sleeve of Joshua’s jacket. “Perfect,” he said, smiling at the little flakes sitting on his arm. Then he looked up at the black sky and laughed to see the snow falling through the light of the street lamp, landing cold on his face. “I love snow.” Closing his eyes, he stuck out his tongue to catch a flake.
In a choked voice, Finn said, “Josh—”
And then Sean was there. “Hot chocolate all around!” He beamed over the cardboard tray in his hands, turning around to yell, “Hey, Tejana, it’s snowing!”
Joshua looked from Sean to Finn, who was scrubbing a hand through his hair, clutching his beanie in his other hand and stepping back and away. He looked stricken.
But, God, his voice when he’d said his name... Joshua wanted to reach out for him, but Finn turned away. “I, uh, I’ll go see how Liz and Matt are doing with the money,” he said, and bolted into the coffee shop.
Sean watched him go with a frown that didn’t fade when he turned back to Joshua. “Sorry, man, I swear he’s getting weirder every day.”
Joshua chased up a smile and reached for one of the hot chocolates. His hands shook when he picked it up.
“Joshua,” Sean said. “You’re freezing.”
“Yeah.” He watched with pinching envy as Finn slipped an arm around Liz’s waist. “Guess I am.”
* * *
Finn kissed Liz goodnight on the porch of her house like they were teenagers afraid of her father.
He sensed her confusion in the way her dark eyes scrutinized him. “You sure you won’t come in for a coffee? Matt’s heading straight to bed.”
“I’m good,” he said, like she was actually offering him a latte. But he couldn’t go in there, couldn’t sleep with her, not after what had happened—nearly happened—tonight. He needed to go someplace and think. “I’ll see you soon, okay? Definitely on Christmas.”
“Okay.” She did a bad job of hiding her disappointment, and Finn felt like a total douche about it. Fuck, what was wrong with him?
From Liz’s he planned to drive back to Sean’s, but ended up turning right and crawling down Sandy Lane. He didn’t stop at Josh’s house, even though the lights were on, even though a treacherous part of him yearned to finish what he’d almost started. Inst
ead, he parked at the end of the street. After sitting in the car for a long time, he got out and walked down onto the beach. It was dark as pitch. He fumbled for his phone and switched on the flashlight, sweeping it across the wet sand and up to the bank of dunes behind him. How odd to be down here in the cold of a December night. It felt like another place, a world away from the sun-drenched beach where he and Josh had lounged in the dunes. Hard to tell, now, which was the dream and which reality.
He hiked halfway up one of the dunes and perched amid the grass. It was still snowing a little, too cold to stay long. He wasn’t sure why he was there, what he was trying to prove, but he just couldn’t go back to Sean’s yet.
And he couldn’t go to Josh, no matter how much he wanted—He swallowed the lump in his throat, gristly and raw.
In the dark he could only hear the waves’ distant boom, could only see the snow blowing about in the wind. But in his mind’s eye he saw Josh smiling in the light spilling from Dee’s coffee shop, tipping his face to the sky.
I love snow.
There’d been flakes on his eyelashes as he’d stuck out his tongue like a kid, and suddenly the boy Finn had loved was right there in front of him. Everything he’d once felt rushed up like a flooding river. Everything he’d thought forgotten.
I love snow.
Something had overtaken him, some overwhelming force had urged him forward, intent on taking that once-cherished face in his hands and kissing those smiling lips. If Sean hadn’t interrupted—
He rubbed gloved fingers over his mouth, shivered as the snow settled on the toes of his boots. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to feel these things again, these echoes of that summer, because Josh ended it. Josh sent him away. And that still hurt. It still made him angry. And thank God for that, because if it didn’t...
He pushed to his feet. Enough. He wasn’t going there, he just wasn’t. He’d begged Josh once and that was enough. Whatever this was, this aching echo, it was just that: an echo. Those summer days were long gone and there was no way back to the kids they’d once been.
He stomped down the sand, felt it skittering away under his boots, and headed back to the car. He had a life now. He had fame and fortune, friends and girlfriends. Plenty of them.
He didn’t need Josh. He didn’t want him.
He didn’t.
By the time he got back to Sean’s, it was late. He’d hoped Sean and Tejana would have gone to bed, but they were sipping tea at the kitchen table when he slipped in through the side door.
Sean lifted an eyebrow. “So. Not staying at Liz’s, huh?”
“Why?” He glanced between them. “You guys want some alone time or something?” Sean rolled his eyes and Finn shrugged it off along with his coat. “I, uh, got an early start tomorrow, that’s all.”
A beat of silence followed while the lie settled into the room, then Sean said, “Uh, what early start?”
“I’m gonna hit Manhattan.” He flashed a grin. “Christmas shopping.”
Tejana shivered. “Two days before Christmas? It’ll be a zoo, Finn.”
“It’s always a zoo.” And he always hated it, but the idea of getting away from New Milton appealed. The last thing he wanted was to run into Josh or Liz tomorrow. “So, you guys got a list for Santa?”
Tejana snatched a little envelope from the kitchen table. “No, but you can get this while you’re there.” Her smile verged on the smug side of sweet.
He took it from her, grimaced at the twee little Santa sticker on the back. “Really?”
“Dude,” Sean protested. “We’re all doing it. Secret Santa is fun!”
“Fine”—he ripped open the envelope—“but don’t—”
Joshua Newton.
There it was, written in Tejana’s curling handwriting. Joshua Newton, of all the goddamned stupid pieces of—
“Problem?” Sean watched him with his sharp lawyer eyes.
“Uh—” He could ask to swap, but that would look too weird. For all Sean and Tejana knew, he and Josh were barely acquaintances and he didn’t want to make them curious. They were both way too smart. “No, it’s—I’m just thinking. Five-dollar limit, right?”
“Right,” Sean said. “So no one feels awkward.”
Finn folded the paper, slipped it into his pocket and pasted on a smile. “Guess I’ll see what Bloomingdale’s can do for five bucks.”
But as he headed to his room, he couldn’t ignore the treacherous flutter in the pit of his stomach—he got to buy Josh a Christmas gift.
Damn fool, he told himself as he climbed into bed.
He drifted to sleep thinking of falling snow.
Chapter Eleven
Christmas day dawned picture-postcard pretty, with a fresh fall of snow and misty skies in pastel shades of pink and blue.
Joshua took the drive slow—Finn was right about his tires—and pulled up in Sean’s driveway without incident. Frankly, he was impressed the car had started at all, but Don had promised him the new battery he’d installed would do the trick. So far so good.
He wasn’t sure what the dress code would be, so he’d opted for a smart shirt and then thrown a heavy sweater over the top. A little scruffy, but he liked it; it made him feel comfortable. God knew comfort was going to be in short supply for the next few hours.
He hadn’t seen Finn since the carol singing, three nights ago. Time had done its usual trick of stretching and twisting his memories, so now he couldn’t be sure if he’d imagined that needy rasp in Finn’s voice, or the startled look on his face as he’d backed away.
Even in the frosty morning, the memory made him hot all over. He wouldn’t allow himself to hope, but he couldn’t quash the feeling that something had almost happened.
So he approached the door to Sean’s house, bedecked by a generous wreath of real holly, with anxious anticipation. His fingers tingled as he pressed the doorbell. It played “Deck the Halls!” and Joshua grimaced. That was probably Finn’s idea.
“Joshua!” Sean grinned like the Ghost of Christmas Present when he flung open the door. “You came. Awesome!”
He smiled at Sean’s exuberance. “Of course, thank you for inviting me.”
Sean laughed and grabbed his shoulders, hauling him inside. “Hey, Joshua is here!” He called it out like the whole house had been waiting for the news. Joshua wondered how much he’d had to drink already. It was barely noon.
Tejana hugged him in the hallway, took his coat, and ushered him into the living room. It was unrecognizable from the austere space of his childhood, dominated by a huge Christmas tree that stood in front of the French doors that led out onto the lawn in summer. A couple of sofas and love seats were dotted around, a real fire crackled in the fireplace his father had never used, and boughs of holly lay across the mantelpiece.
Liz and Matt were already there, Matt plugged into his phone with headphones on while Liz talked to Don and his wife, Jude. Poor Matt—couldn’t be much fun spending Christmas with your mom’s new boyfriend. Joshua could hear Dee and her girls in the kitchen, and beneath their laughter rumbled Finn’s unmistakable voice.
“Hey, everyone,” Joshua said. “Merry Christmas.”
He shook hands with Don and kissed Jude on the cheek. Liz smiled and hugged him, then touched her son’s shoulder. “Matt—say hello.”
Matt glanced up and Joshua gave him a wink. “That a new phone?”
“For my sins.” Liz rolled her eyes and gave Matt’s hair an affectionate ruffle. “If he spent as much time practicing the piano as he does on Instagram...”
“He’d probably have no friends,” Joshua said. “Kids should be kids, right? Especially at Christmas.”
Whatever answer Liz might have given was forgotten as Finn appeared in the doorway, holding two steaming glasses of something potent. “My special hot Christmas punch,” he declared, crossing the room t
o Liz and handing her a glass. “Go slow. It’s strong.”
She smiled brightly as she curled a lock of hair behind her ear. “You know me,” she said. “I tweak the nose of caution.” She knocked back a long gulp. “Whoa, that is strong!”
Finn’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Uh, yeah. Easy there.” His attention flickered to Joshua and away. “Hey, Josh.”
“Merry Christmas,” Joshua said, for want of anything better. “The house looks great.”
“Beautiful,” Liz echoed. “So beautiful.”
“Yeah, my kid brother’s a regular Martha Stewart—minus the fraud conviction.” He darted a rueful look at Joshua. “Sorry, man.”
“It’s okay.” Into the awkward pause, he added, “My Martha Stewart crush is long over.”
For a beat they both looked at him, and then Liz laughed and even Finn cracked a smile.
“Right,” he said, “your sweet tooth—” He checked himself awkwardly, running a hand through his hair.
“My sweet tooth is legendary,” Joshua said, covering the slip. “Why do you think I work at Dee’s?”
Finn smiled again, aiming it toward the floor, and this time the tension between them felt different. Joshua didn’t dare name it, but something fluttered inside him and he wondered whether Finn had noticed.
“So, uh, Newt,” Liz said, slipping a possessive arm through Finn’s. “You need to put your Secret Santa gift under the tree.”
Grateful for the distraction, he recruited Matt to show him what was what and escaped from Finn and Liz. A number of gifts were already there and he slipped Don’s present—a miniature bottle of his favorite whiskey—in along with the rest. “We’re opening them later,” Matt explained. “After dinner.”
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