“You didn’t do anything to her.” Joshua’s chest tightened at the pain in Finn’s voice. “Finn, Liz is a grown-up. She’s the one who—”
“I invited her here. I let her show off. And she wouldn’t have done any of it if I hadn’t made her think I—” His voice dropped to a desolate whisper. “Now I’ve got to tell her kid that they need to open his mom’s skull, and if it doesn’t work he might lose her.” His fingers fisted in his hair. “We both know what it’s like to lose your mom. How do I tell him, Josh? I don’t know how.”
“Hey, it’s alright.” Before Joshua knew what he was doing, his hand was on Finn’s back. They both stilled, Finn’s muscles tensing beneath Joshua’s touch before gradually relaxing. Joshua let his thumb move backward and forward over the ridge of Finn’s shoulder blade, the feel of him familiar even after their long estrangement. God, how he’d missed him. “I’m sure she’s going to be okay. Everything will be okay.”
Finn leaned into him, just enough that their shoulders touched. “Shit,” he whispered. “I’ve fucked everything up.”
“No.” With a pounding heart Joshua risked sliding his arm further across Finn’s back, drawing him closer. “Finn, none of this is your fault.”
He sighed, so close Joshua felt it against his neck. “Isn’t it?”
“No. It’s—” His breath caught as Finn’s lips grazed the bolt of his jaw in not-quite-a-kiss, one tentative hand settling on his thigh.
“Josh...”
Oh God. Oh God, what was this? He lifted a shaking hand to the back of Finn’s neck. “Shhh,” he said, stroking his warm skin, closing his eyes against the want in his heart. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” Finn’s voice cracked as he pulled him closer. “Josh, please...”
His need, his scent, his heat were overwhelming and Joshua’s body responded, surging to life like a desert after the rains. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to feel Finn’s lips against his own again, he wanted to taste his skin. And Finn needed him—Joshua could feel it vibrating through his shoulders, hear it in his quick, shallow breaths. Finn needed him and there wasn’t enough caution left in Joshua’s heart to resist, not when he’d dreamed of this for so very long. “It’s okay,” he whispered again, pressing their foreheads together in helpless surrender. “I’ve got you.”
With a harsh sob, Finn surged forward, covering Joshua’s mouth with his own in a clash of lips and teeth that flashed heat across every inch of Joshua’s skin. In the past, they’d been so tender with each other, but not tonight—tonight there was only need, brutal and brittle, as Finn knotted his fingers into Joshua’s hair and dragged fierce, urgent kisses across his skin. The only sound in the car was their harsh breathing, the frantic rustle of clothing, until Finn growled something unintelligible and snaked an arm around Joshua’s waist, hauling him half onto his lap.
The steering wheel dug into Joshua’s hip but he didn’t care. He took Finn’s face in both hands and held him still, drinking in the sight of him as if he were something from a dream—he could hardly believe this was real, feared it would be snatched away upon waking. Wanted it so desperately he could hardly breathe. In the half light of the night, Finn was all shadows and angles, beautiful and tormented, his eyes closed and kiss-swollen lips parted. And then his face twisted into a frown of distress and Joshua kissed him hard, licking deep into his mouth, losing himself in the moment, letting desire sweep away everything but the heat.
Finn gave a low, anguished moan as his hands ranged over Joshua’s back, sliding down to massage his ass through his jeans in delicious counterpoint to the slow, rolling rhythm of their hips. But Joshua needed more. More skin, more Finn. He was already hard, Finn’s thigh pushing up between his legs and his hips rocking helplessly against Finn’s stiffening cock. Fuck, Joshua wanted him. He wanted to tear aside his heavy clothes and feel him skin-to-skin, sweat-slick and hot like he remembered. But he didn’t dare break the kiss, certain that if they slowed this wild flight they’d fall back to Earth.
“God, Josh,” Finn gasped, breathing the words against his lips. “Josh, I—”
Light spilled across the drive, the front door swinging wide open. Finn jolted like he’d been shot, pushing Joshua away and wiping his ravaged mouth on the back of one shaking hand. His rejection stung so hard Joshua had to grip the steering wheel with both hands to keep from gasping out loud.
Sean loped down the steps. “Thank God,” he said, hauling open the passenger door. “Finn, you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” He cleared his throat. “Where’s Matt?”
“Sleeping. Dude, it’s past midnight.” He ducked to look in at Joshua. “You coming in?”
Joshua shook his head and got out of the car on shaking legs. “I’ll go home, unless”—he glanced at Finn—“you’d like me to talk to Matt?”
But Finn didn’t look at him. “Like I said, that’s on me.”
Whatever had happened between them in the car, whatever wild frenzy had taken Finn, it seemed to be over. Joshua felt dizzy, lost. “Okay, then. I’ll—I’ll head home. Could you call when you’ve got news about Liz?” This, he directed to Sean.
“Sure. And thanks, man. God knows what we’d have done without you tonight.”
He waved that away and tossed Sean the keys to his car. “Just let me know if I can help at all.”
With a parting nod, Sean shepherded Finn into the house and Joshua waited for him to look back before the front door closed.
He didn’t.
Chapter Twelve
The days between Christmas and New Year’s were short and bleak.
Sean texted a couple times with updates on Liz: she’d suffered a subdural hematoma; the surgery worked; she was out of danger; her mom had arrived to look after Matt; Liz should be home in a week.
Thank God.
Objectively, Joshua knew the news came as a relief. But he didn’t feel a lifting of weight from his shoulders. That night, that horrible night on the beach, he’d felt an echo of the connection he’d once shared with Finn, and their intense, confusing encounter in the car afterwards had only made it harder than ever to let go of the dream. He mooched about his house for a couple days, waited for a call from Finn that never came, and played too much Chopin. By the twenty-seventh he’d had enough of his own company and headed down to Dee’s even though he didn’t have a shift. He wanted to check up on Ali, anyway; he hoped she didn’t still blame herself for the accident.
When he got there he found her behind the counter, a little wan but smiling, and the coffee shop empty of customers. “Newt,” she said, and hugged him hello.
They talked about Liz, and Ali looked shamefaced and swore she’d never drink again. After a while, Lexa emerged from the kitchen to slump disconsolately at the counter. “It’s all over the news, you know.”
Joshua frowned. “What is? Liz’s accident?” It sounded unlikely.
“Her and Finn.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Hero actor saving his fiancée.”
“Oh.” Joshua’s stomach clenched, a sharp narrowing sensation. “They’re—Are they really engaged, then?”
Lexa shrugged and pulled out her phone. By “all over the news” she meant a couple of entertainment websites showing paparazzi pictures of Finn heading in and out of St. Theresa’s, beneath headlines about how Finn Callaghan “saved the small-town girl he loves.”
“I guess it makes a good story,” Lexa grumbled. “But, honestly? Liz is way too soccer-mom for Finn, don’t you think?”
“Lexa!” Ali objected. “They’re in love.”
“C’mon, Newt, you know what I mean.” She lifted a teasing eyebrow. “Finn’s hot. Too hot for a small-town schoolteacher, am I right?”
He knew that if she’d suspected his feelings for Finn she wouldn’t tease him, so it was easy to pass off the comment with a roll of his eyes. “I assume you think a small-town ba
rista is more his style?”
She winked. “You talking about you or me, buddy?”
Despite his best intentions, his cheeks flushed. “Just make me a flat white, will you? I’m a paying customer today.”
“Well, I think it’s beautiful,” Ali said. “Hey, maybe he’ll fly Liz and Matt out to LA when he heads back there. Maybe they’ll move there. Can you imagine?”
Joshua stared at the counter, tried not to remember him and Finn planning that very thing as they lazed in the sand dunes together. Instead, he forced himself to remember Finn’s anguish that night on the beach, holding Liz in his arms. That he’d turned to Joshua later, for comfort in his fear and grief, proved nothing—did it? No, because if it had meant anything more, Finn would have called. “He seems to care about her,” he said, and tried to make himself believe it. “I hope—I hope it works out.”
“And what about you, Newt?” Lexa slid his coffee over the counter and refused to take his money.
He blinked, eyes prickling, and breathed around the knot in his throat. “What about me?”
“Well, if Liz leaves, there’ll be a vacancy for a music teacher at the school.”
And he could see it, suddenly, all laid out before him. He’d take the job and for a while it would be great—he loved teaching, loved enthusing kids about music, and it would keep him busy, keep his mind off Finn. But thirty years later he’d be looking at early retirement, an inadequate pension, and back at a life that never went anywhere. He’d plotted a life with Finn, once—a gilded road that ended in LA, at Colburn, at a career as a musician—and that was a life he’d never live now.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a different life, even if it hurt to finally give up on that old and beautiful dream. He smiled at Lexa, took a sip of coffee to clear his throat, and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think it’s time for me to do something different.”
“Really? Like what?”
He shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet. Anything I like, I guess. What do I have to lose?”
He started his new life the next morning by emailing his brother.
Michael—
I’ve sold what I can of our father’s possessions. I’ll be out of town for a while and am leaving the rest for you to sort out. I enclose a list of everything that remains unsold.
Joshua
Then he emailed his aunt.
Hi, Ruth
If the invitation still stands, I’d love to join you in NYC for New Year’s. It’s a time for new beginnings and I think I’m long overdue. I’d appreciate your advice too, if you’ve got the time.
Yours,
Josh
Michael didn’t reply. Neither did Aunt Ruth; she picked up the phone and called him, ready to send her driver to collect him then and there. He dissuaded her, told her he’d drive down himself, and spent the rest of the day shutting up the house. He wouldn’t be gone long this time—he’d have pupils to teach when school went back—but it felt significant. This was the first step on the road to a new future, even though he had no idea where the journey would end.
He texted Dee to tell her he’d be away for a while and to ask her to send any updates on Liz, and then he packed up his car—crappy tires and all—and headed out of New Milton. He couldn’t help the ache in his chest as he saw Hanworth Hall in the rearview mirror and wondered whether Finn would be back there soon, with Liz.
But if so, it would be best to be gone. He wasn’t such a saint that he could stand to watch Finn’s domestic bliss unfold on his doorstep.
He put the radio on and drove without looking back.
* * *
Finn felt like the world’s biggest douchebag as he sat in Liz’s hospital room listening to her parents thank him for saving her life. With every warm glance from her mom and shy smile from Liz he felt his skin crawl. He was astonished they couldn’t see the deception in his eyes.
I’m a dick. A lying creep. A total fucking coward.
He’d flirted with Liz because he was too chickenshit to face up to his feelings for Josh, and now the whole world thought he loved her. Liz thought he loved her.
Worse than that, he had an almost irresistible urge to throw himself at Joshua Newton’s feet and proclaim his undying love. Hell, he almost had that night in the car. He’d almost said the words. Not that Josh was likely to believe him. Why would he, when Finn had been such a colossal ass these past couple months? Unforgiving, resentful, cruel. Yeah, Josh had gotten to see a whole new side of him.
Well, now Finn was paying the price because that night on the beach had changed everything. Kneeling in the freezing surf, mind gone blank with shock, Josh had come to his rescue. He’d pulled him to his feet, he’d brought order to the terrifying chaos. He’d just been there for him—on the beach, and later. Finn didn’t think he’d ever forget the sight of Josh, pale and anxious, striding through the hospital doors to bring him home. He’d looked like a knight in fucking armor and Finn had wanted nothing more than to fling himself into his arms.
In those moments all Finn’s petty resentments had fallen away and left him naked to the truth: Josh was the one he wanted at his side when everything went to shit, Josh was the one he wanted at his side when everything was fantastic. Josh was the one he wanted.
He was the one.
Only now the world—and Josh—thought he was in love with Liz. He wasn’t blind to the irony of being trapped in a lie born of his own stupid resentment, and he figured he’d earned the bad karma, but it didn’t make it any easier to figure out how to escape without leaving a tangle of hurt in his wake.
“Well, good morning, Miss Howard.” The doc swept into the room looking debonair and serious, but spared a smile for Liz. “You’re looking better today.”
Liz batted her eyelashes. “Thank you, Dr. Bentley, I feel better.”
Finn took the opportunity to escape, standing up to give the doc more room. “I’ll just go call Sean,” he said as he slipped out the door.
He headed to the hospital’s cafeteria as he made the call, wondering if it would seem odd to ask Sean for Josh’s number. He needed to speak to Josh after what had happened—what had happened?—that night in the car. Christ, Josh had been so tender, and Finn hadn’t even spoken to him since. But he’d been putting it off because he was a fucking coward, and didn’t know what to do about Liz, and every day that passed in silence made the call harder to make. What the hell must Josh think of him? Phone clamped to his ear, he updated Sean on Liz’s progress and worked up the courage to ask for Josh’s number.
But before he had the chance, Sean said, “Oh, by the way, Josh left town.”
Finn stopped dead. “What?”
“Yeah, it’s weird. He told Dee he was going away for a while. Doesn’t know when he’ll be back.”
Just like the first time, the world gave way beneath Finn’s feet. Only this time he knew he’d brought it on himself. He’d driven Josh away.
“Finn?” Sean’s voice sounded tinny in his ear.
He cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. I was, uh—Is he... Is he okay?”
“I dunno, man.” A beat of silence. “Finn, are you okay?”
He nodded, then made himself say, “Yeah, I’m good. I’m gonna—” Fuck. What could he do? “I’ll be back later. I’m gonna go get some stuff. In town.”
“Stuff?”
He hung up. Josh had left town. Josh, who’d looked at him with sad eyes for the past three months, who’d watched him parade Liz around like he was making a point, who’d offered him affection and comfort, and gotten nothing but silence in return, had finally given up on him and left.
Someone bumped into him and he realized he was still standing stock-still in the middle of the hospital corridor. He didn’t know what to do; he couldn’t go back to Liz when all he could think about was Josh.
Cowardly to the end, he si
mply walked out of the hospital and climbed into his rental. He had no plan when he started driving, but eventually found himself outside the Rock House. Drinking seemed as good a way as any to end a crappy day.
So he started in on the Jack Daniel’s and tried not to think about all the ways he’d hurt Josh, pushed him away when he could have pulled him closer. Finn didn’t know whether they’d ever had a shot at a second chance, but if they had he’d blown it now.
If his damned pride hadn’t been hurt, maybe he’d have known that Josh’s sonofabitch father had thrown him out. Maybe he’d have known years ago, when he could have helped him pick up the pieces instead of leaving Josh to sink or swim alone. Maybe he’d have called him when Josh came to LA and left his number at the studio. And then maybe he’d have figured out that they’d just been kids that summer, and forgiven Josh for not wanting to alienate his whole family for a guy he’d known eight fucking weeks.
He felt his throat tighten, tried to loosen it with another mouthful of Jack.
Maybe he could’ve been a fucking grown-up about it.
“Finn?” Kylee Adams eyed him across the bar, arms folded. “You wanna call Sean to come get you? Coz I just saw a guy in the parking lot with a hella big lens and I figure you don’t want to be all over Tumblr like this.”
“Fuck”—he waved a hand in apology—“I mean, sorry. Thanks. Fuck.”
Her lips twisted. “Come on around the bar, honey. You can wait out back.”
It took Sean fifteen minutes to show up. He said nothing, except to thank Kylee, as he guided Finn into his car parked at the back of the bar. As they pulled out of the parking lot, Finn saw the pap slipping in through the Rock House’s front door.
Perfect Day Page 14
