“My inability to use harsher words?”
“No. Your genuine kindness. Look, maybe it’s not my place to say this, but – you didn’t love him.”
“What?”
“The guy in the orange shirt back there. You didn’t really love him.”
“Wh, uh, I…how would you know? I mean, we were together for a long time and everything, so…”
“It’s obvious. Someone breaks your heart, and you’re displeased? It makes you feel a little mean? Impossible. Kindness is one thing, I get it. But being slightly upset over someone crushing your heart? That’s not love.”
“And how do you know this?”
“Because real love is bigger than that. You can’t control how you feel when it happens. It pours out of you and you have no power over your reaction to it. It’s all-consuming. You do things you never thought you’d do because of it. You’re no longer predictable, because it changes you.”
I so badly wanted to ask how he came to form his opinion. Had he loved someone like that? He seemed so sure as he said it. Was it possible that I could love someone more than I loved Nathan? We were in sync. We spent a lot of time together. We had a lot in common. How would this guy know whether or not I really loved him?
“How will I ever know you’re right?” I said softly as we stopped by the end of the dock.
“The day you’re more than ‘displeased’ with someone for hurting you.”
“Now you’re just mocking me,” I said playfully. “If you’re so wise, then fix it. Explain it to me. Tell me what I’m doing here. I shouldn’t be jumping back into this all over again. I’m the cautious one, remember? Why am I here?”
“You want me to do something about it?”
“I don’t want you to hurt him or anything.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He reached out and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. He pressed his lips against mine, gently at first, then with more intensity. His firm body pressed against me, and admittedly, my ex was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.
He slowly pulled away and I sucked in my breath.
“What was that?”
“Sorry, I guess you didn’t ask this time.”
“Oh trust me, I’m not mad about it. I just…didn’t expect that I guess.”
“Here’s the deal. I’ve been asking myself the same thing all night. What am I doing here with a girl like you? I’m the opposite of cautious. I second guess everything, that was true, but I’m not a safe bet, Lexi. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but that makes me reckless. Maybe that’s not what you need.”
Oh, it was everything I needed all right.
“I think I need reckless,” I breathed quietly, still trying to gather my thoughts, though all I could think about was his body pressed against mine.
“Then maybe we’re perfect for each other, I don’t know. Or maybe this will all go up in flames and you’ll be displeased that you ever took a chance on me. But in the meantime, I don’t know. What are we doing? I’m just…drawn to you. Right or wrong, I just…I can’t walk away yet. So you tell me. You call the shots. Rebound? Friends? Something more? This can be whatever you want. I just want to learn more about you, that’s all I’ve figured out so far. Maybe some of your goodness will rub off on me.” He stared back at me with such innocent eyes, and I loved everything about his face.
“I call the shots?”
“Yes. It’s best that way.”
“Well, then I want to be reckless for once in my life. Teach me.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t want to change you.”
“Fine, then I’ll figure it out myself. Follow me,” I said flirtatiously, leading him back down the pier. He held on tightly to my hand, following me around the dock to a small beach area. The lights from the bar and the pier gave off enough of a glow for us to see where we were going, but it was still dark enough for us to see all of the stars overhead.
“What are we doing? Are we skinny dipping? This feels like a trap. Are we going in the water?”
I sat down on the sand and he followed my lead. I laid back, staring up at the sky.
“The meteor showers are tonight.”
“Your idea of living recklessly is watching the meteor showers?” He snickered. “I am in so much trouble.”
“Why?”
“I’m not ready to answer that yet.”
“Mockery, then silence. Excellent,” I jabbed. “Well it’s best around two a.m. so we may not even see a lot now, but there should be a few. You just have to be patient.”
“That’s not a trait I possess.”
“You don’t have any patience? You said it took you a week to ask me out, so then what do you call that?”
“That wasn’t patience, that was fear,” he admitted.
“I don’t believe you’re afraid of anything.”
“If you only knew,” he muttered quietly. We stared up into the night sky, looking for shooting stars.
My brother and I used to sleep out on the lawn every August to watch the meteor showers, and it was one of my favorite childhood memories. I hated how distant we were now, as if that connection never existed.
“I can’t let it go, I have to know. What are you scared of?” I didn’t expect the words to slip out of my mouth as I was thinking them, but they did. I wanted to know. He seemed too strong to be scared of anything.
“Letting people down.” His honesty came quick. “I’ve done it enough times, you’d think I’d know better, but I still do it somehow. What about you? What are you afraid of?”
“Not being good enough when people need me, I suppose.” My guard was coming down fast as well. That wasn’t something I usually said aloud. It wasn’t just this recent situation with Nathan – it was so much more. My brother, my parents – my heart hurt thinking about all of it.
“Can I ask you a serious question?” He leaned his body up, bracing it with his elbows in the sand as he looked at me.
“More serious than asking about my deepest darkest fears? What’s more serious than that?”
“Why did you agree to come out with me?”
I started listing things off in my head. Your smile. Your biceps. Your hair. The way you kissed me the first night I met you. The anticipation of you kissing me again tonight.
“You were really kind to me the first night we met. When I picked you out of the crowd, kindness was the furthest thing on my mind. I wanted someone strong and safe. And you were. You are. But most of all, you seemed kind, and that mattered to me.”
Kind. It seemed like a weird word to use for a guy who also punched two people in front of me and was escorted away by a cop, but I meant it.
“What if I’m not all that great?”
“What?” I sat up. “What does that mean?”
“You just seem like a certain kind of girl, and…”
“A certain kind of girl?” I didn’t mean to sound so defensive, but I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. “What are you saying?”
“You said it yourself, you’re a cautious girl. I just think…”
“That a cautious girl shouldn’t fall for a reckless boy? Welcome to every life lesson my mother ever tried to teach me.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “Look, Romeo, it’s only been four hours. You don’t have to propose. If you ‘forget’ to call me again after tonight, I’m not going to break. I’ll be mildly displeased, remember? But not destroyed. That’s the difference. Besides, maybe I need to make a change. I’m serious about being reckless, I think I need to try it. My friend Olivia is, and she’s one of the happiest people I know. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong. I just want to stop over thinking everything. Maybe make a bad decision or two. Be less…predictable.”
“I’m not trying to change you,” he repeated.
“Maybe you should,” I said quietly, staring back at him. “I don’t know what I want, honestly. I’m in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. You said it yourself, maybe this is a good idea,
or quite possibly the worst idea I’ve ever had, but only time will tell. All I really know at this point is that I want to eat that peanut butter pie on my balcony while watching the meteor showers at two in the morning. And I want you to join me. Stay over. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that, right?”
Wow, that was blunt. The words fell right out of my mouth. So far being reckless was kind of - - fun. I finally understood my friend Olivia a little better. She was fearless, and I loved that about her. Surely she’d experienced real love before – I’d seen her at rock bottom, yet she didn’t shy away from trying it again. She was reckless in the best way, and I did admire her for that.
“Come eat peanut butter pie with me under the stars at two in the morning. Please,” I repeated.
“Only because you’re asking me nicely.”
He grinned back at me, and I knew this night was about to get a lot more interesting.
Chapter 5
The soft morning sunlight woke me up. I stared out at the orange streaks spread across the sky, and I realized I was still outside on my balcony, wrapped up in a blanket on a futon mattress. It was Luke’s idea to lay the mattress on the patio outside while we laid underneath the stars watching the meteor showers. He was resting peacefully next to me.
I reached for my phone off a nearby side table, surprised to see it wasn’t even six a.m. yet. I hated how early the sun came up in summer. I tried to fall back asleep, but I was used to getting up early to be at the bank by seven-thirty during the week. Even though it was a Sunday and I had nowhere to be, it was still impossible to fall back asleep in this sunshine.
I stared back at Luke, watching him breathe softly as he slept. His hair was messy, his skin was tan, and his muscles still looked strong even when perfectly at rest. What was I doing? This was so unlike me. About a half hour later, long after my mind started to wander in all the wrong directions, he started to stir.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hi.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. This scenario was unusual for me.
“That was one hell of a rebound.”
“I, well, I…”
“I’m referring to the pie,” he teased. “Tell me that wasn’t the most amazing peanut butter pie you’ve ever had.”
“Are you sure we’re really talking about pie?” I had a suggestive tone as I said it. “It was all pretty amazing.”
“What are you doing today? You don’t work on Sundays, right?”
“Nope, the bank is closed, otherwise I probably would. I’m meeting my friends down at King’s Bay at one for some beach volleyball.”
“I love volleyball.”
I suspected that was his way of asking for an invite?
“You can join us, if you’d like.”
“Is that allowed?”
“What do you mean? We always let other people play with us, it’s not a set team thing or anything…”
“I thought I was just a rebound.”
“Well, volleyball is a sport, so the analogy kind of still works,” I teased. “In all fairness, I never called you a rebound. You did. Not my words.”
“I just don’t want to impose on you and your friends if they’re not expecting you to bring a plus one or whatever. I don’t want you to feel weird about it.”
“We could actually use another player. Sophia, Lance, and Miles are usually on a team, while me, Olivia, and…” I couldn’t say Nathan’s name. “Sometimes Lance’s brother plays, but he’s not going to be there today, so you could…”
“I can be a fill-in.”
“Not just a fill-in. I didn’t mean that. You can join us, more, um, permanently, if you’re interested. If it goes well…you know, if you like it.” I was trying to choose my words carefully. It was one night together for Pete’s sake, and although I wanted so many more nights with him, I didn’t want him to know that right off the bat. Olivia always beat into my brain that you couldn’t be too forthcoming with guys right away if you were interested. She always told me it would scare them off. Given the way he was looking back at me right now though, he didn’t seem scared at all.
“I would love to meet your friends and play volleyball today,” he said sincerely.
“Perfect. I can tell you right now though, they’re all going to ask you a million questions. They don’t take new people lightly. You may regret everything. Once Olivia gets going, she won’t stop. She’ll want to know every dark secret you have. Actually, maybe this is a bad idea. She may ask you things that make you uncomfortable. She’s aggressive.”
He laughed, pulling me in closer to him. “So give me some pointers. What do you want me to tell her? I can make up some good stories.”
“Nah, that will just encourage her. Keep it simple and she’ll back off. Say your intentions are noble, and maybe she’ll stop the inquisition.”
“Is that what you think? That my intentions are noble? Is this like the seventeenth century or something?”
“Fine, then don’t take my advice. Tell her your intentions are completely dishonorable. She’ll eat you for lunch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“So she’s the gatekeeper?”
“Since my parents live states away, pretty much. She’s scarier, believe me. She’s a little overprotective, but she means well.”
“Like I mentioned, I’m not claiming to be a good guy, Lexi. But I would never intentionally hurt you. I hope you know that.”
“No expectations, Luke. Flames or bliss, come what may. I’m trying to be reckless, remember? Don’t spoil it.”
“I know, but I’m just telling you, I would never…”
“No promises,” I cut him off. “It’s better that way.”
“Okay.”
*****
Volleyball went better than I imagined. Olivia was a little overbearing at first, but Luke must’ve passed her test, because she seemed to like him and things went smoothly. Around dinnertime, Sophia and Lance left to go have dinner with Grandma Eve at the center, and Olivia and Miles had plans as well. They left the beach, leaving Luke and I together.
“Do you want to grab some dinner?” Luke asked politely, grabbing his bag from the sand.
“I’m starving, yes.” I threw my swimsuit cover-up on and slipped on my sandals. “There’s a taco bar on the beach down that way where we can sit outside.” I pointed toward some bright umbrellas a few hundred feet away.
“Perfect.” He took my hand, which surprised me. Things felt comfortable. Almost – serious.
It’s just a hand hold. Get it together.
I liked how well he got along with my friends. Sure, maybe he was just a rebound. We joked about it, but truthfully that happened all the time after serious relationships. Maybe he really was just a bridge to help me get over Nathan before moving on to another relationship down the road. After all, he didn’t seem like a relationship guy. That seemed evident when he picked me up, given how nervous he was and the indecision about the flowers and all that. Clearly he didn’t do this often. Maybe this was just a fling for both of us. I loved everything about his touch nonetheless, whether this was just temporary or the beginning of something, so at the moment, I really didn’t care.
We ordered our tacos and sat at one of the outdoor tables on the beach.
“Do you have to work tomorrow?” I asked, curious as to what his day-to-day looked like.
“Yeah. I have to help my grandfather tomorrow. He has a couple of doctor appointments and I have a few projects to work on around his house. We didn’t really finish our conversation about that last night when I mentioned I’m working for family. That’s my job right now, helping out an eighty-two year old man, at least for the next month or two. Sounds pretty amazing, right?”
“You take care of him? That’s really sweet.”
“Actually, it’s terrible. He’s one angry SOB. He hates everyone, including me, so I wouldn’t say it’s going well.”
“Is he sick?”
“Kind of. Nothing terminal or any
thing, yet, but he’s on tons of medications. He does well on his own, mobility-wise and all that, but he got in a car accident a couple months back and they took his license. Glaucoma, diabetes, cirrhosis, there’s a long list. He has weekly appointments that he needs to be transported to. I handle his meds, but otherwise the work I do is primarily on the house. He needs to sell it, but it’s in pretty bad shape. I’m in between projects at the moment, so my mom asked me to help him and he’s paying me for the work. That sounds terrible, like I’m profiting off him or something. I offered to do it on the side for free while still working elsewhere, but he insisted I work on it full time to get it on the market quicker. My mom guilted me into it. It’s a little complicated.”
“Family is always complicated, isn’t it?” I thought of my brother in that moment. I felt guilty about him all the time, like there was more I should be doing for him, though it felt like I was repeatedly failing every time I tried.
“He’s a bitter alcoholic who hates the world. There isn’t an ounce of joy inside that man. It’s exhausting. I feel like it’s sucking the life out of me.”
“I think you’re still doing a good thing. It must make him feel better to have you there, right? Surely your help is better than a stranger.”
“The word help is subjective. He tells me all the time he’s only paying me because he doesn’t want some ‘poor swindling minority to take his money and do a subpar job.’ Did I mention he’s also racist and evil? Yeah, he’s a gem,” he added sarcastically.
“But you’re still helping him. That’s commendable.”
“For my mom,” he said with a sigh. “Remember how I mentioned I hated letting people down? She really needs the house to sell. I’m doing it for her.”
I appreciated the loyalty he felt toward his mom. It was sweet.
“Then what? What will you do when you finish work on the house?”
“Well, I probably need at least a month to finish everything. It needs a new deck, some new siding, and a ton of work on the inside. I’m not even experienced when it comes to that kind of thing, but I think I can figure it out. Then, well…I don’t know what’s next. I’m still working on that. I’ve had a few interviews recently. I’m trying to sort all of that out.”
The Weight of Perfection: Grand Harbor - Book Three Page 4
