“What about Luke’s brother? You don’t know anything about him. He could be dangerous. Doesn’t that worry you?”
“Yeah, a little. But the kicker is, look here…” I held the note back up, pointing to one particular sentence. “He doesn’t know a thing. You saw the way he spoke to me, as if nothing is wrong – as if he’s not guilty of anything. Maybe there’s something bigger going on. Something he really, truly, doesn’t know about.”
“Dammit. It really is the dimples. You’re back on the bank robber’s side again? It’s that face. Boys shouldn’t get to have flawless faces like that. It isn’t right.”
“I still think he was involved somehow. He was at the bank that morning, there’s no denying his involvement there. But maybe that was it. Maybe he thinks it’s just some minor indiscretion I’ll never know about, he’s moved on from it, and now he’s on a clear path to an honest, civilian life. I’m not excusing what he did, but just hear me out. There has to be something else going on. My brother is way too interweaved in this somehow.”
I grabbed my phone, feverishly typing.
“What are you doing? What are you sending to him, are you texting Luke? Or Cade? Or a psychiatrist whom we will both need to meet with when this is all over?”
“I’m texting Cade. I’m going to thank him for grabbing his money. If he doesn’t respond, he has it. If the money isn’t in his possession, then you know he’ll text back immediately.”
“Shouldn’t we go upstairs and check it out first? You know, to make sure the money is even stolen to begin with?”
“I’m not going up there! Look at this place, it gives me the heebie jeebies. When I thought it was my brother, fine, but now? Clearly someone else was in my house tonight. I’m not going up there while it’s dark out.”
“Thank you for saying that, let’s get out of here,” she urged, grabbing her purse off one of my end tables. “We can figure all of this out from my house.”
“What am I going to do about the door? The lock is broken, and the hinge is all messed up.” For some reason, I pictured Luke in that moment, watching him kick in his grandfather’s door. The entire thing caved in so easily. I wondered if that’s what had happened tonight. Did someone kick in the door? Why was Luke here first? Why was he always there first?
“Do you want me to call the maintenance guy? He’ll ask questions for sure.”
“You’re right. I guess I’m not too worried about it,” I said, following her out the door. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted out of there as well. Everything wasn’t sitting right with me. I didn’t feel in danger per se, but I definitely felt too out of the loop to be comfortable in a house where a crazy person flipped all of my things over. The part I hated the most – being uncertain as to who exactly that crazy person was.
We drove back to Olivia’s condo in her car. Thankfully I had an extra bank polo for my shift tomorrow so I wouldn’t have to return to my apartment before work. My phone chimed as we were just a minute or two from her place.
Can you meet with me? It was a text from Cade. He didn’t sound panicked, so that was good. But it seemed like a strange response nonetheless.
Not home tonight, I have plans. I wanted to keep it vague for now. Did you stop by to grab your money?
Olivia pulled into her condo complex when my phone chimed again.
We need to meet. I can’t discuss this over the phone. Let’s meet at the old Wendy’s off Wilden Avenue?
I read it aloud to Olivia. “Hasn’t that one been closed down for a year or two? I think it’s vacant,” she suggested, parking the car.
“My brother has never suggested meeting in a spot like that before. Hmmm….” I thought about what to type next.
Let’s meet at Lookover Rock. 6pm tomorrow? I threw out that suggestion on purpose. Cade would know the exact spot – but no one else would. If the wrong eyes saw my earlier text about Cade’s money, I certainly didn’t want those same eyes to see this – and expect to show up instead of my brother.
We can’t meet there. I think they moved it, actually. Any other spot. You tell me.
Well, that was obviously very incorrect. The rock wasn’t moved in the last forty-eight hours. Not to mention the phrasing was off. That wasn’t at all how my brother texted. I thought that from the first message when he spelled out Avenue – perhaps that was a weird thing to pick up on, but it stuck out. My brother wasn’t nearly that articulate. Something was very off.
I needed to explain my thoughts to Olivia for her opinion. “It’s not my brother. Someone else wants to meet me.”
“Why?”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“No, Lex, this is stupid. This is dangerous! You think it’s someone other than your brother that you’re talking to right now, and you want to meet him somewhere? That’s every Dateline episode my mother watched on Friday nights.”
“I love that show,” I admitted, though she already knew it. She was always making fun of me for watching ‘old people TV,’ but I couldn’t help it – I loved crime documentaries, true stories, unsolved mysteries… “Look, what if my brother is in danger? I keep thinking back to the night he gave me that money. He said his life depended on it. He was serious, Olivia. It was a big deal to him. He also specifically told me not to tell Luke. Why is everyone telling me not to tell Luke? What if I’m blaming the wrong guy for all of this? I have to know.”
“I just think there has to be a better way,” she answered, looking as frustrated as I was. “Can we talk to my dad about it? He’s a resourceful guy. Maybe he has some suggestions.”
“He’ll tell me to call the police, you know that. I can’t.”
“He doesn’t exactly have the cleanest track record himself, Lex, hello? Remember where he was earlier this year? The whole money laundering thing?”
“Yeah, but he’s not a criminal. I mean, he is. Was. You know what I mean. That’s different. White collar crime is a different league from whatever my brother is caught up in, I can promise you that. I have a plan. What about Hayfield Park? No one is ever there, because it’s like a fitness playground, right? So kids hate it. But it’s wide open, so there won’t be any funny business. I’ll meet him there. You and Miles can hide out somewhere in case things go sideways. This person thinks I’m meeting my brother, so I don’t think he’ll expect that I’m being followed. We can do this. It’ll be like stalking out Dave Garrison’s house that night we all TP’d it and forked his yard, do you remember that? It’s just a reconnaissance mission of sorts. We used to do that all the time in high school. We were good at it, too. Let’s be good at this again. You and Sophia wanted revenge, right?”
“Yeah, but like, risk-free revenge, not meeting strangers in the park where people go to be kidnapped-revenge. There’s a difference.”
“We can do this. We’ve had training. We’re practically experts. You’ve hid in so many bushes without ever being caught, Olivia.”
“I am kind of proud of that,” she said with a giggle.
I texted Cade’s number back. Hayfield Park, 6pm. It’s on my way to a martini party I’m going to tomorrow night, so that’s the best I can do. You’ll have to make it quick. I have things to do and places to be, Cade. I don’t have a lot of time for your BS.
There was a thumbs up emoji in response – another thing my brother would never do. Olivia and I headed into her house, preparing to draw up an entire plan for the meetup. Miles was there when we walked in.
“What are you ladies up to tonight? I thought girls’ night wasn’t until Wednesday?” He pulled some leftover pizza out of the fridge to heat up in the microwave.
“Are you free tomorrow night?” I asked directly.
“Are you asking me out? You’ll have to check with my girlfriend first,” he teased, gesturing toward Olivia.
“We need you at six,” she stated, not saying too much more.
“I’m in. What are we doing?”
“Not arson,” she joked, knowing full
well he would be up for anything, even if it was setting fire to something. Miles was just as crazy as she was.
“Well, never say never,” he teased back. I loved them together. They were a perfect example of two imperfect people fitting perfectly together. They complimented each other in the best way, both alike and different in so many ways. That was what I wanted. Sophia and Lance, Olivia and Miles – it took some trials for them to find their happily-ever-after, but they did. I hated the way I felt light years away from mine.
“I’ll run you through the plans later,” she said, finally grabbing her own slice of pizza as we made our way out on to the back patio. She offered me a piece, but I couldn’t eat. My stomach was still in knots.
“Should I text him?”
“What? Who?”
“Luke,” I answered softly.
“What are you going to say?”
“I don’t know, but I feel bad for the way I kicked him out tonight. I feel bad for breaking up with him. I feel bad for not talking to him about everything.”
“Nobody does guilt better than you,” she taunted, pouring us each a glass of wine.
“I hate how I feel. Maybe I need the truth in order to get over it. Maybe if he told me everything, as much as I don’t want to hear it, maybe it would be enough to make me stop thinking about him every second of the day. If he admitted to it all, it would be like a cleansing. I could stop seeing him as the guy I want to see, and realize the person he really is. I can get over a bad guy, Olivia. I’m certain of it. I got over Nathan quickly. Luke helped with that, obviously, and he was also a d-bag, which made it easier. If Luke can just admit to me that he’s also a terrible person, maybe that will help me get over him.”
“I don’t know what the answer is,” she said warmly, taking a sip of her wine. “I’m not the one for advice, you know that. I’m reckless. Not always the best decision-maker. You’ve always been better than me at that.”
“You’re right about that.” We both laughed. “The only advice I ever trusted was from Grandma Eve. Now there’s a wise woman. She knew everything.”
“She still does, even in her madness. The way that Alzheimer’s has eaten its way through her, it’s devastating, but the way she still has that heart of hers – that’s the most beautiful part. After all, Lex, seventy years from now, what do you want your heart to emulate? Most people are miserable by then, right? But not her. She still has so much love in there. Harold loved her like no modern day man ever could, right? It seems like an impossible task. Except she’s honest about it. She always says love ain’t sunshine, right? She’s probably said that to us a thousand times over, every time we were over there crying in her kitchen back in high school over the dumbest boys who never deserved us. Now here she is well into her eighties, still heartbroken over a boy who left after sixty years. It never changes. There’s always more heartbreak to be had, even when you think you’ve had enough.”
“So why do people do this to themselves?”
“Because those few perfect moments in between make it all worth it.”
I knew she was right. My nights with Luke made up for all the chaos I felt now. I was certain about that. I needed more midnights. I needed more string lights, and starry skies, and pie – but what I ultimately needed to decide was whether or not those things would be with him.
Olivia and I talked for a while longer, but she eventually had enough wine to put her to sleep. Miles moved her from the couch into their room, asking if I needed anything else before he headed to bed himself. I already had a pillow and blanket laid out from the night before, but I wasn’t tired. Sleep was the furthest thing on my mind even though it was after eleven already.
My phone chimed, sounding louder than usual in the silence. Midnight doesn’t feel the same without you. You have no idea what I would give for one more.
I hated the way Luke and I had the same thoughts. What I would give for one more night in the back of his truck.
Perhaps it was all the wine I had with Olivia, but honesty felt like it was flowing out of me. I had to respond. I felt safe with you. Cared for. Important. Loved.
It wasn’t more than a few seconds before he responded. You are still all of those things.
My heart was aching in such a different way now. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to kiss my face and wrap me up in his arms. It seemed absurd that the only thing stopping us from making that happen was – me.
Despite my better judgment, I did it. I dialed his number, making my way out to the patio so I wouldn’t disturb Olivia or Miles while they slept.
“Hey,” he said softly into the phone as he picked up.
“Hi.” I wasn’t sure where to go from here. Maybe it was stupid to call. I was going to ruin everything.
“I hate this.”
“Me too,” I said quietly. “But I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I’d love it if you’d let me try. But you have to talk to me. I don’t know what’s broken. I thought what we had was...good. You are good. So all I can think is that I’ve done something wrong, but I don’t know what that is.”
“Maybe it’s not you. I have my own flaws. Maybe I’m not so good.”
“I think you’re too hard on yourself.”
“Yeah? How so?”
“I think you blame yourself for other people’s shortcomings. You have more faith in people than they have in themselves. You think people are better than they are. Stop doing that. It only leads to disappointment, Lex. We’re all flawed.”
“I definitely am.” My voice cracked, and I had a lump in my throat.
“But that’s just it. I don’t see your flaws as imperfections, Lexi. They’re not a crutch. Everything inside of you, wanting to be a different person – wanting to be reckless, or wanting to save the world even though you feel like no one else is on your side - you can choose that to some degree, but you can’t choose who other people are. You can’t choose how they make you feel, or decide how much they do or don’t appreciate you.”
“So what can I do then?”
“You can choose someone who sees you the way I do.”
“What if it’s not that simple?”
“What if it is?” He paused for a minute before he continued. “You can choose whatever life you want, Lex. You get to pick who’s in it. But you have to stop feeling bad for picking who you’ve chosen.”
“My brother might never change, Luke.”
“And I would never ask you to stop loving him for it. I would never expect you to stop being in his corner anyway, no matter how little he deserves it. But I get to pick who’s in my life too, Lex. And I’ve chosen you, a million times certain that’s what I want. And you can choose not to pick me, but you can’t tell me to stop loving you for it. You can’t tell me to stop being in your corner, because I’m already here. Real people aren’t fleeting, Lex. They don’t come in your life one day and disappear the next all because of an event or a bad day or a messy relationship you feel like you can’t clean up. The people really on your side pick up a damn broom and they sweep, whether they even know what they’re cleaning up or not.”
I smiled, thankful he couldn’t see my approval over the phone. I didn’t want him to know how much his words resonated with me, or how much more I was falling for him every time he spoke his truth to me.
“I realized something,” I said softly, changing the subject a bit.
‘What’s that?”
“You told me I never loved Nathan. That first night we hung out, do you remember? I thought you were pompous and sure of yourself.”
“And…I’m not?”
“Well, you probably still are those things,” I said with a slight laugh, “but you were also right. You told me I couldn’t have possibly loved him because my soul wasn’t crushed after it was over. My pride was crushed. As was my social calendar, and my volleyball team, and my trust in people and all that. But my heart felt the same. This, however…walking away from you…”
“If you
tell me you’re displeased, I’m hanging up,” he said, and I imagined him smiling through the phone.
“No,” I giggled, “I am every word worse than displeased. It’s hard to breathe. Nothing feels right. I’ve cried practically non-stop, and I’m a mess. Olivia probably can’t wait to get me off her couch. I’m not me anymore. I hate that. I’ve never felt this lost before. I can talk it through over and over with my friends, but there’s no answer. Not in logic, or reason, or a pros/cons list.”
“Tell me you’ve actually made a pros/cons list about me,” he said with a laugh.
“Not yet. That’s just the thing, it’s all one-sided.”
“We’re finally getting there.”
“What do you mean?”
“To the thing – whatever it is that you can’t say. The con, right? Whatever you can’t say to me, Lexi – whatever it is that’s eating through your heart right now, that you can’t tell me...”
“I know,” I whispered, still unable to say it.
“There’s really only one thing? One thing so bad, that it’s breaking you like this?”
I paused. “Yes.”
“Okay. Then don’t say it. If it breaks your heart to say it out loud, then don’t. You don’t have to do that for me so I’ll be satisfied. If not saying it – if keeping it in is what un-breaks you - then you can keep it.”
I was silent for a minute. He was right – I couldn’t physically say the words. I somehow thought that by keeping them inside of me, it could make them not true, kind of like a wish on a star. Secrets were lies in some form, right? Maybe silence could be my truth.
“Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you’re perfect as you are.”
Chapter 21
When I woke up the next morning, I wanted a new beginning. I wanted a new life. I wanted to wake up a brand new person, without all of this complication and chaos in my brain.
I felt like a robot throughout my entire work shift, going through the motions – smiling at strangers and familiar faces all the same. The pit in my stomach grew with each passing hour, knowing where I was headed tonight.
The Weight of Perfection: Grand Harbor - Book Three Page 16
