Those 365 Letters

by Ford, Mia

  “Not until you tell me where Cora is. I want to know. I want to speak with her.”

  “She doesn’t wish to speak with you. And I’m not telling you where she is.”

  I couldn’t believe what was happening here. This was insane.

  “What is going on? I demand an answer,” I said. My voice was coming through gritted teeth now. I was tired of being polite.

  “Move your foot now. Or would you like the police notified?” Mrs. Blair said. “You seem to be popular with them lately.”

  I removed my foot and the door slammed shut in front of me. I stood there for several minutes trying to figure out what had just happened. This was crazy. What had I done to anger Cora so much? And now her family was against me, too?

  I decided to try another tactic. I drove to Miley’s house. She refused to answer the door and told me to go away. She wouldn’t even speak to me. Then she threatened to call the cops as well. Did everyone have a meeting and decide that I was the world’s biggest leper and I should be locked up as soon as possible? Was there a meeting that I missed?

  I decided as a last ditch attempt to swing by Jacob’s house. He answered the door right after I knocked, which I found surprising, but not as surprising as the fact that he wanted to hit me.

  “You son of a bitch!” Jacob screamed at me as he roared his bulk through the doorway. He was only eighteen, but he was built like a bull.

  “Wait a minute!” I said holding my hands up. I didn’t want to mix it up with this kid, but if push came to shove I could throw down with the best of them. I’d studied Jiu-Jitsu since I was ten years old and I worked out at a mixed martial arts school several times a week without fail.

  “How dare you come here, after what you did!” Jacob screamed.

  He reared back and threw a hard punch towards my face. I ducked and he missed almost falling down. I couldn’t tell if he was drunk or not, but he looked fairly uncoordinated.

  “What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything,” I said. “I need to see Cora. Where is she?”

  “I’ll never tell you a damn thing!” Jacob yelled as he charged at me again.

  I sidestepped him easily and he fell to the ground. This was a waste of time. I ran to my car and drove off before Jacob could come at me again.

  “What the hell!” I yelled. It was like being stuck in some weird Twilight Zone episode. Had I died somewhere and gone to hell? Maybe the jet crashed somewhere in the Midwest and I just wasn’t aware of it. I thought I was a good person… but maybe I didn’t do enough and now I was going to spend all of eternity in this weird bizarre landscape of nonsense.

  I laughed about the scenario as I pulled into my driveway. But I didn’t feel like laughing. I was actually pretty devastated. The woman of my dreams, the woman I planned to spend my life with, hated me and I had no idea why and no way of finding out.

  I sat on the couch trying to think of some other way I could get Cora’s attention. I tried to reach out to her on social media but it seemed that she’d blocked me on everything. And when I called her friends, or reached out to them I got the same treatment.

  I sat there for several minutes trying to rack my brain for the right answer, but everything seemed futile. I had to get some answers and the only people I was able to contact were Cora’s parents and they were not speaking to me.

  I needed to try a different approach.

  I grabbed a yellow legal pad and a ballpoint pen. Then I sat down at my kitchen table. I thought about sending an email, because who writes letters nowadays? But there was something about the personal intimate act of sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper to pour my heart out onto the page that just felt right.

  I sat there thinking for a few minutes before I finally began writing. I had so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know quite how to say it. Finally, I just spoke from the heart. That was usually best.

  Dearest, Cora:

  I am writing you this letter because I am at a loss. I have no idea what I’ve done to hurt you like this. Whatever it is, trust me when I tell you that I would never do anything to hurt you or to harm what you and I have together. I love you more than words can possibly express, but I’ll try to anyway.

  Since the moment you came into my life, I have seen the world in ways I never thought possible. Everything is brighter, happier, the world is more vivid, it has far more color and meaning than it ever has before. I am a much better man just having you in my life. I didn’t know real happiness until I met you. I’ve never known how all-consuming love could be. But now I do. I owe it all to you, baby. I know it sounds cheesy, but it is the way I feel.

  I love you with all of my heart and soul. Please contact me. Baby, please just talk to me. Whatever is going on, I know we can fix it. I can do what it takes to make things right. I just need you to give me that chance, and just reach out to me. It’s killing me inside not knowing where you are or what is going on with you. Are you hurting? Are you sad? Are you scared? Baby, I need to know how you are. I just need to hear your voice once more. Please, give me that chance.

  Forever yours,

  Love,

  Landon Glatt

  I sat there staring at the letter, reading and rereading it over again about five times. It was as good as anything I’d written.

  I tried to think of something else I could put in that would plead my case more concretely, but in the end I felt it got across the very point that I was making.

  A few minutes later the letter was in an envelope and addressed. I thought about just putting it in the Blair’s mailbox, but I decided just to toss it in the old fashioned mail system. So, I drove it to the post office and dropped it in the mail.

  I felt good about it, even if a little strange. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d sent a regular letter in the mail, but it was a bit humbling. I just hoped that it did what I hoped it would do.

  And I was very aware of how much I was relying on Cora’s parents to actually give that letter to her. They were very much against me even trying to track her down or speak to her in any way. I knew I could find her with my resources. There were ways. I could have hired a private investigator, but I didn’t want to do that. I could have followed her parents or her friends and eventually they would have led me to her.

  But all that type of thinking made me feel like some kind of deranged stalker. That wasn’t me. I wasn’t going to put myself there. If Cora had her reasons for not wanting to speak to me that badly, then I was going to respect her wishes.

  I just hoped that the words of my letter would spark some kind of feeling, some kind of emotion in her parents, or that it would by some miraculous intervention find itself into Cora’s hands.

  If it didn’t, then I would send another letter. And another. Each day I would write to her. Eventually, something had to reach her. Something had to strike that chord in her that reminded her of how much she loved me and of what we had together.

  I felt like it was the only choice I really had.

  And I was going to take it.

  Chapter 17

  Cora

  I finished writing up the last bit of my notes from my English reading assignment and then closed the book. It was a nice day. Much too nice to be stuck with my nose in a book, but I was loving every minute of it. Being a freshman I had to take a bunch of boring prerequisite classes and general education classes, but I was fine with it. It reminded me so much of high school, but I knew there would be greener pastures in my future if I stayed the course now.

  I was sitting outside in the quad under a shady tree where I’d just finished my reading assignment for freshman English, which was composition number one. It was an easy class consisting mostly of reading essays and then writing our own versions of the type of essays we were reading. I had no idea there were so many different types of essays.

  My next class wasn’t for two hours, so my main goal for the next few hours was to find a way to entertain myself without retreating to my room and shutting myse
lf off from everyone.

  I had to keep pinching myself to remember that I was actually at Ohio State. I was living my dream. I was doing what I’d always set out to do. And it was going to be hard. The real work was just beginning. I had to stay focused and keep my eyes wide open to avoid distractions.

  But my mind was turning out to be the biggest distraction obstacle I had to overcome. I could not get Landon out of my mind. Just when I did manage to forget about him for a short period of time and I was finally feeling that I might be starting to get over him, his face would pop right back up in my head again and I’d feel this horrifying shriek in my heart, like a sharp knife really digging into me.

  Had I overreacted?

  No. I had not. The evidence was clear as light. Landon had cheated on me. My parents were right. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was one of the things that bothered me the most. I liked to think I was an adult and I was a grown up, but here I was still learning lessons from my parents. They were right and I was wrong. And now I was paying the price of heartache. I wished I’d listened to them. They still had a lot to teach me about the world.

  But I really thought that experience was the thing that I was learning to trust. My parents were right, but I had to test the waters and find out for myself.

  “Hey! Heads up!”

  I moved over and ducked afraid of what might be coming for me. A split second later a Frisbee landed on the grass beside my feet. I looked down at the flat piece of plastic and felt silly.

  “Hey, sorry about that,” the voice said above me.

  I looked up to see a handsome guy about my age standing over me. He was dressed a bit like a hipster, but only…nicer somehow. His hair was short, but wavy and he had a cute, easy going smile that made you want to trust him. But that smile somehow made me distrust him. I was so over charming smiles and cute guys. I was starting to become very embittered to it all.

  “No problem,” I said.

  The guy retrieved his Frisbee and started to walk away, but stopped suddenly to turn to face me.

  “Hey, you look familiar,” he said.

  I gave him a condescending look. “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah. Aren’t you in Political Science with me? Professor Fishman on Monday mornings.”

  I smiled. “Yes, I am.”

  Well, at least he did know me from somewhere.

  “What do you think? Pretty intense?” the young man asked me.

  “I guess. It’s tough to say after only one class, but so far I’m enjoying it.”

  “Right. I love how Fishman really gets animated and does all the different characters from history. It’s pretty fascinating.”

  “I guess so,” I said.

  “You aren’t a political science major then?”

  “No.”

  “Ah, well I hope you don’t hold that against me.”

  “I don’t even know your name; how could I hold anything against you?” I asked.

  “I’m Markus,” he said.

  “Ok,” I replied wishing I hadn’t just given him that invitation. What was I thinking? I was bored, I believed.

  “And you are?”

  “I’m late for something,” I said.

  I packed up my things and grabbed my book bag. Then I started to walk away.

  “Wait,” Markus said.

  “What?” I asked, getting a bit impatient. I wasn’t sure why I was being so rude to this guy who seemed like he was trying to be nice. I was fairly sure he was hitting on me, but there was no reason for me to put up such a shield.

  I tried to lighten myself up just a bit.

  “Well, we are playing some Frisbee and I was wondering if you’d like to play too? Always more fun with four people.”

  I stood there for a moment. I knew I was going to regret it, but I was a bit intrigued by the charming guy in front of me. Plus, it might have been a good distraction from thinking about Landon. I was so tired of thinking about him. I just wanted him out of my life. I’d told everyone I knew, everyone close to me, what he’d done and they were all supportive of my decision to keep him out of my life.

  Why was I having such a hard time doing the same?

  I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to play. I’d been at school for a week and a half and so far I hadn’t really made any friends, other than my roommate Toni, who was a little strange. We were getting along, but I did not see us becoming really good friends in the future. We just didn’t have anything in common.

  “Ok,” I said.

  Markus took me over to meet the rest of his friends. There was Kris, Joey, and Tracy. To my surprise they welcomed me with open arms and we started to vibe and get along right away. Soon, I was lost in the game and I was actually having fun. For the first time in a few weeks I had my mind on something other than Landon and an uncertain future. I was where I belonged and now I was starting to meet people and make new friends. I was moving on with my life.

  Soon, I knew I wouldn’t even be hurting.

  At least that was what I told myself. The pain I felt was probably never really going to heal. I was full of too much shame. I kept blaming myself for some reason. I wasn’t blaming myself for Landon’s actions, but the fact that I didn’t even see it happening right under my nose. If I hadn’t stopped by his house right then to pick up some things, would I still be clueless? Still be in the dark?

  After the game my new friends invited me to come to a local coffee shop with them to listen to some poetry and some singer/songwriter open mic stuff. It sounded like fun, but I had to get to class. Still, we made plans to get together again.

  I was glad that I’d met some interesting people. With my own friends at other schools, and my parents so far away, I’d started to feel pretty lonely at school. It made everything so much easier if you had people around you that you felt good with. Working on a dream was hard enough, but when you felt isolated and utterly alone, it was so much harder.

  I went to my next class and sat down ready to absorb the information that was about to be presented. It was an entry level drafting class, which was the one class I did not want to miss.

  As I sat there in class watching everybody pouring in and waiting on the professor to get there, an indescribable feeling of loneliness washed over me. It wasn’t loneliness just because I knew all of the people I really cared about were so far away, but because I knew that I was really going to have to get past Landon. I had to let it go, all that we’d been through and planned in our short time together. I was reeling. I felt like I’d been sucker punched and I couldn’t find my legs again to put them under me. I just wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to leave school and hide away somewhere. I wanted the freedom to do nothing and just dwell on how bad I felt.

  But then that moment was over. Those moments would come out of nowhere. It was such a strange rollercoaster. I would be fine for a bit, happy even, and then this emptiness would wash over me and I’d be thinking about how I’d never love anyone the way that I’d loved Landon. The way that I still loved Landon…

  Oh, wow… I did love him. I still loved him even after what he’d done. How could I still love that man? How could I love someone who had betrayed me and hurt me the way he had? What was wrong with me?

  And when… when dammit… when, oh when was the pain finally going to stop?

  Chapter 18

  Landon

  I opened up the bottle of scotch and poured myself about three fingers worth into the glass. Then I replaced the cap and sat the bottle back on the shelf. I sat there holding my glass, tilting it slightly back and forth, letting the whiskey warm the glass and mingle all the little scents and flavors back and forth with it.

  Then I sat down at my kitchen table and grabbed that same yellow legal pad, and that same ball point pen. I clicked the pen a few times, watching it jut out just a little bit, as if it was stretching, preparing to craft the perfect letter that would touch Cora’s heart and finally get her to reach out to me.

  It ha
d been five days since the first letter. And I’d written four letters. Each one I’d mailed to Cora’s parents, and each one I was sure had been thrown away by them to never see the light of day again. And that was ok. That was ok by me. I was sure that if I kept at it, eventually one of my letters would touch them and they’d give it to Cora, or somehow Cora herself would end up finding one of them.

  It was a futile hope, but it was all I had. It kept me sane anyway. My days had been filled with nonstop fear and turmoil. I was doing my best, but it was getting harder every single day. I knew nothing more than I had before.

  All I had were these letters. I decided that I would write a letter to her every single day until she finally decided to write me back or I ended up talking to her in person. Cora had to come back home eventually, right?

  I sat there for several moments, sipping the whiskey, letting my thoughts ruminate, trying to get to the jewels of the words waiting for my discovery and usage. I was tired, but I tried to ignore it. It had been a very long, arduous day at work and I wanted nothing more than to sit down and relax in front of the television for the evening, but this was more important. I found that I often wrote better when I was tired because I didn’t argue with myself. I just got out of the way and let the words come out.

  Dearest Cora:

  I don’t know if you’ve been receiving my other letters, but I’ve decided to keep writing. Even if you never read a word of these letters, it somehow is helping me to keep a hold on my own sanity. I am drowning in despair and sorrow. That is the only way I can describe it to you. I am distracted at work and people can sense it. I tell them all that I’m fine, hoping that they will think I’m just burnt out, but it’s you.

  Everything that is wrong with me is because of the way things ended between us. I’m not even sure they did and if they did, I would love to know why. I deserve to know the truth. No matter how awful what you think I’ve done is, you owe me an explanation. We felt too deeply for each other to just let it all fall that way.