by Ford, Mia
“So, what did he say?”
Pete Whitt, an employee with the company and my boyfriend of six months, asked as he came into my office a few minutes after I’d returned. I was sitting in my desk trying to get a handle on the fact that I was going back to Portsmouth when he burst through the door.
Pete was handsome, driven, and one of the funniest guys around. There’d been an instant connection the moment we met each other the first day I started working with the company. He had been there two years and was one of the fast rising hotshots. We had a good relationship.
But it wasn’t anything like what I’d had with Landon.
Wow… Landon… that name… I hadn’t actually thought about him in a long time. But I was going back to Portsmouth. He would be there. I thought he would anyway. I wanted to look him up when I was there. I knew I would. I had to see him.
And it wasn’t that I had forgiven him for what he’d done. I didn’t really think that was possible. He’d ripped my heart from my chest and just left me bleeding there. It was the type of pain that I would never truly get over, but I felt I’d done remarkably well at trying.
I’d worked hard, graduated, and I was now working harder on my dreams and goals than ever. I didn’t need Landon or the memories I had of our special time together. But now that I was thinking about him again, I couldn’t help but relive that pain. It was sharp, piercing in my chest.
I wanted answers. I wanted to know why he’d done what he did. Why wasn’t I enough for him? And I wanted to know if he’d ever even tried to reach out to me again after that. I just needed something to hold onto, so I could finally bury that chapter in my life in the past and hope to never have to open those wounds again.
I told Peter what Daniel had said.
“Wow! That’s fantastic,” Pete said. He walked over to me and planted a big kiss on my lips. I felt a little weird about that type of affection at the office, and he knew that. As I recoiled slightly he pulled back and shrugged in an “Oops” sort of way.
I shook my head with a smile. He could be pretty adorable at times.
“So, you leaving tomorrow?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh.
“Nervous?”
“Yes,” I laughed.
“Don’t worry. He wouldn’t give you something if he didn’t have full faith in you that you could do it well.”
“I know,” I said.
I understood where Pete was coming from, but he didn’t know the reason I was really so nervous. I’d never mentioned Landon to him. I didn’t really talk about Landon to anyone anymore. I hadn’t for a long time. And it had felt good to put it behind me.
But one word had just unraveled it all. I was going back to my hometown. I was going back to Portsmouth.
And I was going to face Landon once and for all and make him tell me face to face why he’d destroyed what I thought was the love of my life.
* * *
“That’s wonderful news!” Dad said popping the top off a can of beer. He sat down in his chair at the head of the table and began to scoop mashed potatoes from the bowl onto his plate before passing it to me.
I had dinner at my parents’ house at least once a week. I could never get enough of my mother’s cooking; besides I felt that our relationship had grown even stronger the past few years. They’d been so helpful and supportive during my college years, even though there had been some ups and downs. But in the end, I believed everything had worked out for the best.
“We don’t get down there enough,” my mother said. “The last time we went was to visit my sister, Ruth. You should definitely visit her when you are there, dear. She asked about you nonstop the last time.”
“Ok,” I said. “I’ll drop in on her.”
I hated my aunt Ruth. She was the most conceited, stuck up person I’d ever met and she treated my mother like she thought she was an idiot. Ruth was the older sister and to her my mother would never be more than that jerky little kid who kept following her around all her life. And Ruth didn’t like me, and I suspected it was because I’d never kissed her ass the way everyone else did.
“Good, dear,” My mother said. “So, you don’t think going back to Portsmouth will open up any old wounds?”
I looked at my mother. So, this thought was immediately on her mind, too? I found it odd. I didn’t think she ever even thought about Landon and what had happened. After all, it was four years ago.
“Why do you think that?” I asked. I wanted to probe her mind for a moment to just see where she was coming from with this.
My mother’s eyes went a little wide and she quickly glanced at my father.
“Oh, um… no reason, I guess…” She said.
I laughed. “Mom, you are a terrible liar,” I said. “But I love you anyway. Yes, I’ve thought about what happened with Landon since discovering I was going back there, but I don’t think it will be an issue. That is ancient history. I’m going to go there and put my mind into the work and then I’m coming back home. That is that.”
“Glad to hear it, sweetheart,” My father said.
“How are things going with Pete?” My mother asked. “We haven’t seen him in a while.”
I shrugged. I’d brought Pete home to meet my parents after we’d only been dating for three months. I’d felt that it was very immature, but they both agreed that they really wanted to meet him and they had basically grilled me constantly until I had relented. Pete, surprisingly, was fine with it. The guy was the best salesman I’d ever seen. He charmed my parents so much that my mother had not stopped talking about him since.
“He is doing fine,” I said. “He’s been busy and so have I, but things are going well.”
“And how about Miley? We haven’t seen her lately,” my father said.
“She is doing the same,” I said. “You know, I’d ask about your friends, but you don’t have that many.”
I smiled to let them know I was teasing.
“It’s true,” my dad said. “We don’t, really.”
He and my mother chuckled. I was going to miss not seeing my parents for a few weeks, but I was going to need to be near the site at all times. It was going to be weird being back in my old hometown, and not just because of Landon. There was a lot I’d left behind there. My childhood was there, my school, a lot of friends I’d lost touch with outside of my circle, people I’d known since childhood. And some of them had moved back. I wondered what the odds were that I would run into several of those people. I imagined it was pretty good.
I finished dinner and went home to pack. As I did so, I found myself thinking a lot of about Landon. Halfway through packing my suitcase I pulled up an image on my computer of the two of us on one of our first dates. I’d kept every photo that we’d ever taken together. I wasn’t sure why, but I was glad that I had. I could remember the night after I found out he cheated on me when I was looking through these pictures crying my eyes out with a broken heart. I was going to delete every single one of them. I’d come so close, but at the last minute I just couldn’t do it. No matter how much pain I was in, I still cherished those memories.
And now, four years later, I cherished those memories still.
I spent several minutes going through the photos remembering how happy we were once and how I didn’t think I would ever be that happy again. I’d been in several relationships of varying degrees of seriousness in the past four years, and none of them had come close to what Landon and I had shared in those few intense weeks. Well, our relationship was for almost two months, but it was still measured in just weeks. Wow… and that was the best I’ve ever felt. That was the happiest time of my entire life.
How could it have all gone so wrong so fast? I just didn’t understand it.
But the next day I would. Come hell or high water, I was going to get the answers that I needed.
Chapter 22
Landon
“Well, that was a new record for you,” Gabe Stuart said jogging up beside me.
<
br /> I smiled and he gave me a high five. We’d just finished playing eighteen holes of golf and I’d beaten my personal score by a couple of strokes. Over the past several years, I’d actually gotten really good at the game, even though I hated it. But I found that the more I played it, the more comfortable it felt and I actually started to find it rather relaxing.
Today’s game had been just a friendly game between friends, and not a business meeting disguised as something casual like most of my golf games. It was a fun afternoon in the sun and I’d needed it badly. I’d been working night and day for so long that I could hardly think straight.
Gabe and I had become friends through his father Trey Stuart, a long-time investor in the company. We’d gone into a few ventures together and when Gabe started getting into the action, we just kind of hit it off and became friends.
“I guess I’m finally getting good at this game,” I said. “All those business meetings have really started to pay off.”
“So, what’s the deal with you and your secretary?” Gabe asked.
“What deal?” I asked.
He was speaking about my new secretary Jackie. She was even more attractive than my last secretary had been, and though I’d caught her giving me the eye a time or two, so far she’d kept her thoughts to herself about whether or not she wanted to start anything with me. I wasn’t sure if she even found me attractive, but she was definitely a beautiful woman.
“She is so hot,” Gabe said. “Do you know if she has a guy or if she might go for me?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “I don’t get involved in the personal lives of my employees.”
“You should,” Gabe said. “You should totally, especially when they are that fine. I can’t believe you aren’t going after her. How long has it been since you had a steady lady?”
“I don’t know,” I lied. It had been over a year. I’d dated a few women but nothing had ever really worked out with any of them. I tried to tell myself that it was just because it wasn’t meant to be for me and these other women, but I wasn’t sure that was entirely true. While I’d moved on fairly well in the past few years since my breakup with Cora, I had never let her go. In my heart she was still there and would always be. I didn’t want to tell myself that all other women were ruined for me, and that I would never find happiness, because I didn’t want to believe that. But when I really thought about it and stripped everything else away, I knew that was the way it was.
The woman of my dreams was gone. I’d lost her.
And I still didn’t have the faintest clue why.
“You are so lying,” Gabe said. “Man, it is not healthy to work as much as you do. You need to wake up and live a bit. Do you even like what you do? You never really seem that happy.”
“Why are you so concerned?” I asked. “I’m ok.”
“I’m concerned because I’m your friend,” Gabe said. “Look, I don’t know what girl broke your heart, but you need to get over it. There is someone else out there.”
I laughed. “How do you know that someone broke my heart?”
Gabe shrugged and raised his arms. “Because I’m that good,” he said. “I can read people well.”
“Well, let’s get together and do this again sometime soon, but stay out of my love life. It’s fine.” I started walking away.
“Ok, but how about that secretary?” Gabe asked.
“I’m not sleeping with my secretary,” I replied.
“No, I meant for me. Put in a word, will you?”
I laughed and waved to him as I walked towards my car.
When I got home I took a hot shower and then came downstairs to make myself some dinner. I didn’t really feel like cooking anything or waiting for takeout, so I decided on the ultra-healthy option of a frozen pizza.
I preheated the oven and then popped the pizza inside. Then I grabbed a beer and got ready for an evening of relaxation, which I had not had in quite some time, but after my stunning golf game I decided I was going to give it a shot. Gabe was right about my hectic work hours. It was something I’d started obsessively when I’d lost Cora and somehow it had become a normal routine that now I couldn’t stop doing. Yeah, I was practically addicted to work. It was true.
I was just sitting down with my beer in front of the television for an evening of lazy enjoyment when I heard the doorbell. I groaned and thought about just ignoring it, but I still had about thirty minutes for the pizza to be ready and I was genuinely curious to see who was ringing my doorbell at this hour of the night. I should have had a much bigger property with a secured gate and an operator letting people in and out of my epic estate, like my father did, but I’d never reveled in that lifestyle. I liked to live more modestly, and so far no one had really figured out that I lived where I did. I’d gotten remarkably good over the years at camouflaging.
I opened the door and was surprised to see Andrea Sullivan, my ex-girlfriend standing there. She was dressed well, looking beautiful. Her hair was nice, but still casually flowing. She was wearing minimal makeup, as usual, and her tight T-shirt clung to her chest in just the perfect way to get my attention. And she was wearing a nice, loose fitting skirt that clung to her hips and thighs, slit up the side so you could see a little bit of sexy leg poking through sometimes. Yes, she was a beautiful, fun woman and we’d had a great relationship, but it wasn’t meant to be. I had broken things off because I didn’t want it to get any more serious when I wasn’t going to give it everything I had. I knew that she would never capture my heart the way I knew it could and I just didn’t feel it was fair to her to continue with it.
“Hello, Landon,” Andrea said. “May I come in?”
I sighed. I knew this was going to be an awkward, possibly intense conversation and I didn’t want to get into it, but I didn’t feel like fighting it.
“Sure,” I said.
Andrea entered and I closed the door behind her.
“Can I offer you a drink?” I asked.
“No, thanks,” she said. “Can we talk?”
“Sure,” I said. I led her into the living room where we both sat down on couches across from each other, divided by a large coffee table.
“So, how have you been?” Andrea asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. I was really agitated that she was there. We’d broken up almost a year before and since then she’d sent me emails, and letters—usually about once a month—and had constantly pleaded with me to give our relationship another chance.
“I’m just concerned about you,” Andrea said.
“Why? We broke up a year ago. Move on.”
“I don’t want to move on. And we didn’t break up; you broke up.”
“What’s the difference? I thought it was the right thing to do for both of us. We weren’t going anywhere.”
“I didn’t feel that way. I thought we were going great.”
“Why did you think that? We were stalling. And it was my fault,” I said.
“I tried to explain this to you. I don’t feel that way about us. I don’t see us going for the long haul. Why won’t you let it go?”
I was asking the question, but I knew her pain. It was almost the same way that I felt about Cora and the situation we’d been through.
“Because I love you,” Andrea said. “I love you and I know that you love me. But you are afraid. I can see that you are terrified to love anybody.”
I leaned forward and breathed into my hands as I tried to keep myself calm. This was not going to go well, but I needed to take my time and just let it be. She had to say what she had to say and I was going to hear her out.
“You’re right,” I said. “And that is my problem. It’s not yours. And you can’t fix it. It’s not fair to you for me to drag you through my shit.”
“I don’t mind being dragged through it,” she said wiping tears from her eyes. “Sometimes that is needed. When people love each other they go through whatever the other one does. They do things together, and that means every single tri
al and tribulation. I do not want to give up on us.”
“But I’ve given up on us,” I said. “I’ve given up on us a long time ago, and I’m ok with it. That should tell you something.”
“It just tells me that you are hurting. I know that someone hurt you, the same way you are hurting me, the only difference is that I’m not going to let it change me and make me ashamed of doing what I have to do to get the love I deserve. I love you and I know you love me.”
“I don’t love you,” I said. “And you think you love me, but if you really did then you would know that I don’t. You would be able to tell how I really feel about this. We are done. There is no going back. I need you to understand this. Why can’t you just understand this?”
Andrea stood up and started walking to the door. I followed her.
When she reached the front door she stopped and turned around. “I just hope you know what you are doing,” she said. “Because this may be your last chance. As much as I love you, I can’t wait around for you forever.”
“Good. I don’t want you to. I want you to go on with your life,” I said.
Andrea walked out the door and I closed it behind her.
Just then the oven timer beeped.
I walked into the kitchen feeling worse than ever. Was I doing the right thing? Was she right? Was I chasing something that I would never really have? Was I throwing away something that I could have, that was great, and that should be allowed to blossom and flourish?
I sat down with my pizza and my beer and felt sorry for myself. I really wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore, but somehow I felt that I was waiting for something right to show itself.
I had no idea how close I really was.
Chapter 23
Cora
It felt so strange to be back in Portsmouth. I’d woken up at five and made the three-hour drive starting before sunrise. And now I was there in town just as the hustle bustle of the early morning was starting to reveal itself. I’ve always loved watching a town like this one wake up. It’s fun to see everyone starting their mornings and the world just starting to get a little bit busier and a little bit busier until everything was in full swing.
