by T. L Smith
She squeezes her eyes shut, she’s trying to block her emotions, attempting to shut them down. She doesn’t want to feel the pain, but she needs to. It’s life.
“Did you live?” I ask against her lips. She keeps them slightly open, her hands on me, her breathing hard.
“I survived…” is all she answers then her lips are back on mine.
The dam we’re at is different from the lake. It has no high hills, no black hole down the bottom. It’s just green water, where you can step straight into. People are camping, fishing, but we’re in a quiet spot with no one around us so it’s just us. I don’t feel guilty about what I’m about to do next.
Her legs wrap on instinct, and I carry her to the edge of the trailer. I was laying down a blanket earlier so when her ass hits the edge it’s soft. She keeps me in the same position against her, and right now I wonder if what I’m doing is right. I wonder if I can be who she wants me to be.
Could I? Possibly, one day maybe.
Just not now.
I have those demons that need to be shut off, I have retribution to deliver. He will not be allowed to walk away like nothing happened. It's not the way I am, it would burn into my soul that someone could do something so sinister and be allowed to live. He isn’t allowed to.
“Can we, out here?” she says looking around.
“We can and we will.” Her hand slips into mine, our fingers interlocking with each other. She sits back and looks at me, her other hand comes up and traces my face, through my beard until she runs her fingers over my lips.
“I’m going to embed myself on you,” she says, her free hand starts running down further, to the bottom of my shirt, her hand is cold when she sneaks it up, letting my hand go free and lifting the shirt. I do the rest and throw it from my head. She sits back, looking at me, but not my eyes.
“Embed?” I ask. She nods her head yes.
“Embedded,” she confirms.
I don’t let her speak any longer, it’s not necessary. No more words can be spoken, only pain could come from words that need to be said. Pain I don’t want to inflict on her, pain that I know will happen once we go our separate ways.
Her hands skim my back, up and down, my lips on her collarbone, her lips on mine. Lips everywhere, hands everywhere. We can’t stop, not once we start. It’s impossible to. I want all of her, and she wants all of me.
She pulls her shirt free, lifting it from her head and comes straight back to me. Gives my body what it wants, her lips on me any way possible. She starts to get impatient, her body grinds on mine, her front causing friction in all the right places. She undoes my belt, pulling it free. She goes to drop it, but I take and place it behind her. Her eyes go wide, and she softly smiles. She pushes back from me, stands up on the back of the truck, she’s only in a pair of shorts, naked from the waist up. I take her in, and my face becomes tight, I don’t want the distance between us, I want it back, I go to move forward but she stops me with a shake of her index finger.
“Be a good boy.” She puts her hands in the waistband of her shorts, flicks them so they snap back to her skin. Her shorts aren’t super short, but they are tight and showcase her curves, her very sexy as hell curves.
“Rose,” I say, being impatient. Her breasts rise with each breath she takes, she isn’t hiding them from me. She knows they don’t bother me, I would never be bothered by them. They are, after all, my fault. If I didn’t take her that night, pursued her, she wouldn’t have the scars. So I treasure them, and her.
She drops them, revealing a soft pink G-string. I can’t take it anymore, I am up on that truck in a matter of seconds, grabbing her and slamming her back against the back window, her head drops backward, her long hair cascading over the roof of the truck, her legs secured around my waist. My pants come off in a matter of seconds, her G-string ripped off in the next second. Then she’s mine in that same amount of time, her arms are out to either side of her, her mouth opens in pleasure. I look down at her, she looks like an angel. But in ecstasy of the devil.
Her ass hits the glass window with each thrust, my finger rubs her clit, the other hand on her tit. Her hands scrunch up together, she’s in undeniable pleasure. I don’t want her there yet, I haven’t had my fill. I need her and want her all night long, no matter the cost, no matter the energy.
She screams my name twice, her eyes squeezing shut, coming down. My head lands between her breasts, the moon shines bright, I don’t even notice it’s gone completely dark, all I see is her.
I pull away, letting her come down, she doesn’t move, her legs stay the way they are, open. I’m getting hard again after fucking her hard. It can’t be possible.
I pick her up, my hands going under her ass. She lifts just barely to wrap her arms around my neck, as she collapses on me. Not a care in the world, I place her down on the bed I made in the back. She lies there looking up at the sky, not looking at me. Her naked body, beautiful and all mine.
A tear falls down her cheek, she doesn’t want me to notice but it’s hard not to.
How can you love someone so much and let them go? Is it possible to not shatter on the inside? To not self-destruct? I’m trying to work this out, but nothing is coming to mind. He’s looking at the sky, my body tired, and sore. He tied me to the truck, my hands were pulled above my head. I couldn’t do anything. He had all the power. I let him have all the power like I let him have anything of me he asks for or doesn’t ask for. Even, my heart.
A part of me wishes I could ask for it back—I want my heart back. I want to not feel broken inside. I want to feel me. I can’t, all I feel is for him.
He steals my thoughts.
He steals my heart.
He stole my soul.
He fucked me twice, there was no love involved, it was purely sexual. Though now when his hands skim over every part of me, I know it’s all love, it’s him trying to show me in ways he can’t explain to me.
The sun is rising, I awoke to his hands drawing on my back, tickling me. Now they’re on my sides, rubbing so tenderly, up and down as he slides in and out of me. We didn’t get much sleep, we hardly spoke, unless it was in cries of pleasure. Now our time is almost up, and it’s time to say goodbye. Till when? Well, that I don’t know. But I really want to.
I bite his lip, his hands gliding to my ass, pushing me to the brink and even further, deeper, harder, softer. All at once, his lips have touched every part of my body, loved every part of me. I watch him with interest as he does it. His eyes close with each kiss. Sometimes I hear him breathing harder, smelling me.
He picks me up, and I straddle his lap. His eyes, heaven and hell.
“What am I meant to do without you?” I ask him.
He lays his head on my shoulder, not knowing how to answer me. “Live Rose, just live. Without the dilemma that comes with loving me,” he speaks, his lips pressed to me, not lifting his head.
“What do you mean?”
He stays where he is, me on his lap, his cock still inside of me, and his head on my shoulder. “I damage people, I damaged you.”
I pull back, making his head snap up. “You damaged me?”
He nods his head.
I cover my breasts. He didn’t complain or look at them like they were damaged. He watches me and pulls my hands free and shakes his head.
“Your body is perfect. I’m talking about damaging you mentally, Rose. I have damaged you, made you believe in only loving me, and that you can only have me. You can have more, so much more.”
“You did no such thing! You can’t make someone fall in love, Liam. It’s nature, it’s who we’re pulled to. It’s who our heart wants. I am not damaged for loving you. No, if anything, I survived by loving you.” His lips are fast as they land on mine.
We packed up quietly, neither of us speaking again. I had to have time to process what he was saying. He thinks being with me causes me pain, that everything that has happened is his fault. I see it now, it’s not just the work, the life he knows. He’s afrai
d.
Liam Black is afraid.
He’s afraid of losing me forever.
It’s safer to keep me away.
But it doesn’t work like that.
I will give him the time he needs, then I want him back. I’ve done this before, I’ve survived without him, and I can do it again. This time better, because I know he’s alive.
His shades cover his eyes when he drives, so I don’t know what he’s thinking. You can read him better when looking into his eyes. His face never gives anything away. It’s always stoic. Never moving.
He comes to a stop in front of the house, looking at it and not me. I often wonder what goes through his head, I have a need to know what he’s thinking. He’s not good with words.
“Are you coming in?” I ask turning to face him. He doesn’t answer or look at me straight away. He sits there, quite still.
“Liam?”
“No.”
“When will I see you next?” He shakes his head at me. Telling me no. “You can’t cut yourself from me, Liam. I won’t let you do that. You can’t do that. You have a child.”
“That child has done fine without me, Rose.” He turns then, looks at me for a second and goes back to looking at the house.
“You’re his father, and you’re alive. Stop being a selfish prick and grow some fucking balls.” My outburst doesn’t affect him, but it makes me angrier. So when I get out from the car, I slam the door and don’t look back as I enter the house. I know I shouldn’t have, I should have said goodbye, and I should have kissed him one last time. Because when I look out my window, he’s no longer there.
You may find this odd, I find it odd. But in my room, in a drawer in a box, I have Liam’s cards. His play cards, ones that aren’t so much for play, but for destruction. Jake brought them to me after I asked him one day to get them. He didn’t want to, they’re not a keepsake, but they were to me. He always carried them around with him, always one in his pocket. I wanted them, I wanted them close to me. It was something he always had on him, even in his darkest moments, he still carried them around.
Jake is here, he always seems to be here. Lurking around. I wonder what he’s been doing these last past five years. He’s chugging a beer, watching some trash reality television show when I enter. He doesn’t even look my way but waves his hand in acknowledgment. I kick my shoes off, my boots clunking loudly to the floor. He turns the television off, his attention coming to me. We’ve spoken, briefly, he knows in pieces about where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing. Just not the full story.
“Are they your rivals?” He knows what I’m talking about, and he nods his head.
“Once he died, I cut them off. They were pissed, but now I think about it, they weren’t pissed to the extent that they should’ve been. Thousands of dollars being taken away from them, I guess you’re the reason why that is?”
“He’s in hiding. Sax has been looking for me, he couldn’t find anything.” Jake nods his head in understanding.
“I have contacts, deep and bad contacts. Pres handled that, but I have it all now.”
“You told her you were clean?” He’s referring to what Rose has said about his club.
“That’s the only way she could handle being around us. We do good Black, but we also do a lot of bad… that hasn’t changed.”
“How big have you taken it, Jake?” Shipments, guns, drugs. His father was a legend, always under the radar. No one caught him, until me, Jake’s smile is anything but pleasant.
“The whole country.” I shake my head at him, he shouldn’t be delving deeper into this, he should be backing out.
“Use your contacts, find him!”
“I’m leaving, Black.”
That takes me by surprise. He can see it on my face, his head shakes back and forth. “It’s not for the best that I stay. They are yours, not my family.”
“They know you.” He stands and walks closer to me.
“She loves you.” He does love her. I see the pain in his eyes when he said that.
“He lied to you.”
“Who?”
“Your father.” He takes a step back from me, having no idea what I’m talking about.
“Robbie, the Police Officer. Does he look familiar to you?”
“No.”
“He should. You have the same father.” He takes a heavy breath, then turns to the wall and slams his fist straight through it, a large hole left behind and his knuckles are bleeding.
“Tell me you’re lying?”
“How do you think Ru knew where we were that night? Why do you reckon your father was never the primary suspect in any of the killings? I set them up to trap him. My plan was flawless, everything linked to him. Except, he had an insider, someone to cover for him, to get rid of evidence.”
“He’s in her house, right now.” Jake pulls his cut from my kitchen bench, his shoes in his hands, a gun under his shirt. Then he’s gone.
It doesn’t take me long to follow him. He’s off his bike and at her door when I pull up. She smiles when she sees him, but her smile drops when she sees me.
“Liam,” she says looking at me, then back to a murderous Jake. “Jake?”
He calls the kids, I watch as they listen to his commands and all come straight away, he tells Rose to grab her car keys. She goes to argue but sees the serious look on his face and runs in and is out in seconds. Jake doesn’t speak, just waves them to their car.
“Liam, what’s happening?” I haven’t seen her for a day—one day and she’s even more beautiful. The kids look to me for answers as well, answers I can’t give them.
“Leave, now.” She doesn’t question me, they’re pulling out in the car as soon as Jake removes his weapon.
Robbie emerges, his steps are slow. He’s fully dressed in his uniform, Jake’s current look is lost. He isn’t seeing clearly, he’s lost in the haze of murder. Robbie doesn’t enter his space, he keeps a safe distance from him, and I’m impressed.
“Jake…” His tone is anything but pleasant. He looks to me, sneers and looks back to Jake.
“Drop it,” Jake commands pointing to his gun. I didn’t even notice. Robbie has his hand wrapped around the barrel, holding it tightly. He shakes his head, telling him no.
“Whatever he said, it’s a lie.” Robbie looks at me with disgust. Jake’s eyes flick to me for a second then back to Robbie.
“You think Black would lie to me?” He doesn’t hesitate as he nods his head.
“He hates me and he’d do anything to make sure I stay away from Rose.” That’s true, I do hate him. I thought he was helping me last time when I was trying to find her, but he wasn’t. He was stalling.
“You think I’m dumb enough to tell a lie from the truth?” Robbie doesn’t answer straight away, he knows he needs to tread lightly. Jake is like a bomb, and he’s about to explode.
“Jake…” is all he says, trying to make him see reason.
“Do you know what they did to me?” He steps closer, his voice lower, I can just hear him from where I am. “And it’s all your fault, isn’t it? You’re the one who told them about her. You’re the one who said I was helping him. You’re the one…” His gun raises, Jake’s doesn’t. His stays exactly where it is, tucked into his pants. He isn’t afraid, I sometimes think he welcomes death. He gets a look in his eyes that says ‘bring it.’ He’s been through worse, he has, I know he has.
“He shouldn’t have been with her, he should have stayed away. I could’ve made her love me. I could have made her forget him.” The gun is now pointed at me, a gun in my direction is anything but smart.
“No, you couldn’t have. Those two are two brands of their own crazy, two fucked up that only they can feed it.” Then his gun drops, and a cry screams from him. Jake turns to me, shakes his head, his gaze lifting. “Did you have to shoot him?” I shrug my shoulders. I did, he shouldn’t have pointed a gun at me. “Look, you need to leave if you are gonna shoot him again, it’s not your turn.” Robbie starts moaning
from clutching his hand.
“I didn’t even shoot him in a good spot,” I say pointing to the sack of shit on the ground, clutching his hand like a bitch.
“I don’t care, it’s not your turn. It’s mine.” I shrug my shoulders at him, he steps closer. “Black, keep your hand off the trigger or go home.”
“Even if he points it at me again?” I question him.
“Yes.”
“Even if he points it at you?”
“Yes.”
“Even if I am sick of his face.”
“Black…” I raise my hands.
“Got it, no more shooting the dickwads.” He nods his head like he’s happy, then walks back to Robbie and lifts him by the shirt and pushes him into my car.
“Hey, I don’t want blood in my car.”
“You shouldn’t have fucking shot him then.”
True. Next time all he will see will be my bullet.
Robbie is in between us, moaning and crying about his hand. We both ignore his cries, he won’t be getting any sympathy from either of us.
“When are you leaving?”
Jake turns to face me, a serious look on his face. “Soon.”
“Is it because of me?”
HHHe shakes his head. “You and her, it’s all I know. Yes, I have brothers, but I don’t speak or let anyone know me the way you do.”
“Why can’t you stay then?”
“Because I love you both. You’re all I know. She’s now all I know. How am I meant to move on, when I wouldn’t get what I want?”
“It’s her, you want her?”
He shakes his head, Robbie quiets down in the middle.
“Yes, and no. I wanted her because she’s all I’ve known for the past five years. I’ve comforted her and been there for her. She went to that place you go to when you kill, that haze, she was stuck in it. Your death really fucked her up. I brought her back from that.” He’s looking directly at me.
